Vacation Is Over...Ammo Up Christians; It's The War on Christmas 2014

Cheers and Hola.  We here at IWS Radio hope that all of you enjoyed your Thanksgiving week as much as we did.  As you can tell, or maybe not, since you don’t visit the website that often, that Jay and Matt were pretty much off this week.  In fact…

They didn't even do an IWS Radio Show last week.  Well…let me tell you.  They are back tomorrow…

WITH A VENGEANCE!!

Even Rolling Stone magazine has something to say about tomorrow’s IWS Radio Show:

“Recently thankful Americans are cursing all of their Thanksgiving leftovers. Hopeful bargain hunters spent Black Friday cursing each other, and in Ferguson, MO., people are cursing their pizza cravings after burning down their only Little Caesar’s. People are angry man; they’re really angry, and it all stems from a common thread…

People are once again hating on the Holy Baby Jesus and his upcoming birthday, so…

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio players recap the recent Thanksgiving holiday, analyze the current and ongoing outbursts of anger, and kickoff the 2014 War on Christmas. No nativity scene is safe from secularists and any bell ringer or Wal*Mart greeter who utters Happy Holidays will be promptly pummeled by a soldier of Christ.  

Jay and Matt try to make sense of it all, rein in the madness, and take your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as IWS Radio braces itself and America for the 2014 War on Christmas.”

High praise indeed coming from a secularist, rock ’n’ roll publication. And, well…We are comfortable with that.

So…

Join IWS Radio tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as Jay and Matt recap recent events and suit up, arm up, and prepare for the War On Christmas 2014.

To listen LIVE click HERE!!

I Love Summer!!

Y’know?  Today is the first full day of Summer, and we are gonna have some fun, in fact…

The other day, a post that Jayman wrote reminded me of a good time summer time dream that I had had some years ago.

And please…allow me to tell to tell you how it all went down..

I was at picnic fundraiser for Sarah Palin. It was a first, kinda summer day, and …

True to her folksy, homespun carnival act personality, there were all sorts of activities that one might find at a small town America cookout during the summer.

I signed up for the three-legged race. I’ve always kinda dug that. We all threw our names in a hat and Sarah drew names to see who would partner with whom.

I was excited because I knew that if I had a decent partner I had a good shot at winning. My excitement soon became despair when Sarah named who would be tied up with me…

Stephen Fucking Hawking!!

“What a disadvantage that puts me at.” I muttered to myself.

While other pairs are running the race with three good legs, I’m going to be draggin’ Hawking down Lane 4 for 50 yards.

I was thinking to myself, “Holy Shit…Having Heather Mills as my partner would be a step up.”

Anyhoo…Hawking comes rolling up to me, and in his creepy McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker voice, said…

“Let’s kick some ass, Matt-Man.”

So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape.

I dragged him and his useless body over to the starting line. There were six teams in the race, but one team in particular was giving me and The Hawk-Man the stink eye.

It was the team of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

After we stared them down (well, after I stared them down, Hawking’s face was in the dirt, mumbling some incoherent bullshit about supernovas and their effect on the space/time continuum), I turned my eyes to the prize and the finish line that was 50 yards away.

Palin with bullhorn in hand, shouted, “Ready, Set…” and then several rounds from her AK-47 set each team into motion.

Despite the dead weight attached to me, I was bolting like lightning down the course…
Hawking beside me and behind me all the way, his face being bloodied by the ground as he drooled and continuously muttered, for whatever reason, “Deus ex Machina!!”

O’Reilly and Beck were leading, but as we neared the finish line lagging behind those two nut jobs, they abruptly stopped in order to deeply kiss and fondle each other’s dick.

As they engaged in their ego and cock stroking man love, I sped passed them hauling Hawking’s bouncing, crippled body beside me.

As we crossed the finish line in triumphant fashion, I realized the brilliance of Hawking. O’Reilly and Beck’s public display of depravity had been our Deus ex Machina.

I cut Hawking loose from me, gave him a bottle of Gatorade, and proceeded to have obligatory winner’s sex with Bristol Palin.

Hawking? Unable to put himself into his wheelchair, he lay there calculating exactly how long it would take him to die from over-exposure to the hot summer sun. And you know what?

That brilliant bastard predicted his sunstroke induced demise right to the nano-second, and that in itself, is pretty God Damn brilliant…and funny.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook page

Comedy Tips From Dennis Miller, Asshole

Cha Cha and a Ciceroan-type “Bonum Mane” to all of you fatuous and quixotic perusers of the Rosetta
Stone of satirical websites that is IWS Radio.

Dennis Miller here with some comedy and joke-telling tips for all of you should you heed Jayman’s clarion call from yesterday to participate in the 3rd Annual IWS Radio Joke Show which will air LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 P.M. ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Why am I, Dennis Miller, star of TV, Radio, and oft times acerbically jocular comic relief to Bill “The Castor to my Pollux” O’Reilly, offering tips to those of you who may be neophytes in the realm of cracking wise?

Because…

When one wants want to find out how to discover Cesium, one goes to Robert Bunsen or Gustav Kirchhof.

If a person would like to know how to successfully force Israelites to commit mass suicide, one would dialogue with Lucius Flavius Silva.  However…

If a potential humorite would like to be funny and find out how to cast a well baited hook of a joke on to the seas of social media, they need to, and currently are, communicating with me, Dennis Miller, and I, Dennis Miller…

Am the funniest man to walk this big, blue, oblique spheroid since Edward of March, who in 1461 after the Battle of Towton said to the disembodied head of John Clifford, the 9th Baron of Clifford…

“Roses?  We’ve been fighting over Roses?" 

Cha Cha and Bada Bing, Baby!!

If you have been able to glean a trend in my aforementioned essay, you can see that one key to being funny is to use and dare I say (mouthwash please), use liberally…obscure and arcane historical references when making a joke along with words that only turgid Ivy League professors and society’s more cultured idiot savants use.

People love that type of thing and will love you for it.

When I make a joke that includes words such as, moribund, truncated, and phalanx accompanied, with a reference to people such as Madame Curie, The Borgia Sisters, and/or Zarathustra, the audience laughs effusively, because they don’t want the person next to them to know that they have no clue as to what I am talking about!!

And the joke is…The person next to them has no clue either…nor do I!!  Cha Cha Baby!!

Ha…The joke is on you, and this Sunday, if you follow my advice, you can put the joke on Jayman and Matt-Man by calling into their show and sharing your favorite jokes.

Here’s an example…

Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss are the only two people to lose more money and franchising power than John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, who said unto his chef in 1738 when the chef served him a meal consisting of pepperoni, ham, cheese, sauce, and banana peppers between two pieces of French bread, and the Earl said...

“This is a submarine!!  Submarines have yet to be invented!!”

Cha Cha!!

See what I mean?

So there ya go; you can see why I am on with Bill O’Reilly.  I’m not only profound; I’m a pundit as well.  You could call me…

A Profundit!!

Cha Cha,

Dennis Miller

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

People I Can't Get Enough Of

Last night on Facebook, I asked for suggestions as to what to write about for today, and I received a modicum of suggestions, but none better than the one provided by Jayman.

After last week of the IWS site trumpeting posts about people and things that Jay and I have had enough of, Jayman thought that perhaps I could write about people and things of which I cannot get enough.

Say no more Jayman, and let’s get to it!!

First and foremost, and without hesitation…My best friend evah, the uber-lovely Schmoopster.

Ahhhhhhh, Schmoop.  I enjoy how she never tires of making fun of me and telling me what an egotistic asshole I am, but…She never fails to impart that fact upon me without love. And well…she may be the only person I have ever known where I can just sit with her, say a nary a word all night, and consider it a good time.  I love her.

Of course there is also the aforementioned Jayman. He is one funny fucker, and you people don’t know the half of it.  Oh the things I could tell you, but I won’t, because, well…I like him, and respect him and his love of history, because I am a history FREAK as well.  I like Jayman so much that I overlook his taste for Vienna Sausages.  Man, those are as nasty as Jayman is a sweetheart.  Uuch.

How can I do a post about people that I cannot get enough of without mentioning Missy?  She is one hot Miss. Ha.  See what I did there?  Miss is one of my best friends ever and has the uncanny knack of offering up quotes which when taken out of context, are hilarious (see right sidebar).  And well…she’s hot.

You know who else I can’t get enough of?  Katherine Webb.  She is so hot and talented.  I found this out the other day when my TV told me so.  She is just so super crazy good looking and knows how to work a microphone.

I can’t wait for her insight on the Super Bowl which she will cover for Inside Edition.  I bet she will have it going on, and probably win a Peabody Award like Bill O’Reilly did.  She’s…that…good.

Seriously though?

I can’t get enough of Jon Meacham.  I love him and hate him at the same time.  He's 43, acts likes he’s 63, and has an IQ of 8,000.  He is my man crush.  I only wish he would add an “h” to the spelling of his name.

Chrissie Hynde and Dolores O’Riordan.  If someone pulled a Manti Te’o on me and lied to me by saying that those two vixens were coming over for a three way with me, I would have a stroke due to all the blood rushing from my brain down to my naughty bits.  I listen to those two every night on You Tube.

SPAM, Johnsonville Brats, and Hamburger Helper, they're not people, but…Love them all. You say it’s not good for me?  Maybe not, but try to tell me that when I am sopping up the residue of each with a heavily buttered Pillsbury Grands biscuit..  Uh-huh, thought so.

Eh, there a lot of things of which I can’t get enough, but mainly, I can never have to much friendship, and I have received  a lot of that lately, especially through the recent, "Schmoop Scare of Aught 12."  I like it, and thank you.

I can be one sarcastic prick, but really?  I treasure my friends, and while I can be a jerk from time to time even where my friends are involved, well…I love you guys and can't get enough of you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Annnnnd...If you missed the IWS Radio Show LIVE on Saturday, you can catch all the angst ridden hilarity right c'here...

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Christmas Is For Everyone...At Least It Should Be

Cheers, Merry Christmas Eve, and here’s hoping that all y’all have a most wonderful Christmas celebration tomorrow should you be one of the Christian faith, but then again…

Does one really have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas?

My answer is no…and please, if  you will, allow me a moment of your time to ‘splain.

Not too long ago, Bill O’Reilly was interviewing an Atheist, and Bill-O remarked that Christianity was not a religion, but rather a philosophy.

Much humorous scorn was cast upon The O’Reilly of The Mighty Ego for saying that, but you know what?

O’Reilly was right.  Well…er…half-right.

Philosophical schools of thought attempt to boil down what is best (or not so good) for humankind in regards to conduct behavior, and the greater good, through the use of critical thought.

Religions do the same, however; religions oft times invoke a person and/or deity as a symbol of their philosophical teachings, and let loose the free radical of anti-philosophy known as, “faith.”

In order to set the record straight for Bill O’Reilly and host of other religious fanatics, the teachings of Jesus are a philosophy.

The worshiping of Jesus, is a religion…and in my opinion, one can celebrate, and have a very fine Christmas regardless of whether they believe in Jesus as the Son of God or not.

And that is where Bill O’Not-Einstein misses the point.

Ol’ pointy head Bill in all his bullying, bluster, and War on Christmas, doesn’t realize that Jesus isn’t the reason for the Season, the reason for the Season is that Roman Christians were morphing the birth of Christ into a replacement for all of the Pagan festivals that transpired around the Winter Solstice.

And ya know?  Here’s what people like O’Reilly will never understand…

Does it really matter if one is a Christian or not and believes that Christ was born on December 25th?  Does it even matter if one believes in Jesus Christ at all?

Of course it doesn’t.

Hell…In my book, I would appreciate people more if they treated Christmas Day less as a day to celebrate the birth of a savior who wasn't born on this day nor would he want you to celebrate it anyway, if they would take the time to honor his teachings.

Namely, The Sermon on the Mount….The Beatitudes, from the Book of Matthew…

the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (5:3)
those who mourn: for they will be comforted. (5:4)
the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. (5:5)
they who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be satisfied. (5:6)
the merciful: for they will be shown mercy. (5:7)
the pure in heart: for they shall see God. (5:8)
the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God. (5:9)
those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (5:10)

If we all took the time to make sure that the Beatitudes were followed, every day would be Christmas Day regardless of what “righteous” being one follows and believes.

Many religions profess to hold the same ideals, but many followers of organized religions get caught up in the, “my dogma is better than yours” crap.

While Bill O’Reilly doesn’t truly believe it, he was right when he said Christianity is a philosophy, and if we were to all adhere to the aforementioned words of Christ, the world would be better off.

I don’t say that matter of factly…I am experiencing that very fact this Christmas.

And to those of you who have helped us out and know what I am saying…God Bless You.

And to all, Have a Very Merry Christmas be it religious, secular, or just good-willed.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@yahoo.com
@MattMan_IWS

Annnnnnnd...To make your Christmas happier, give a listen to Jay and I yukking it up Yuletide style with Dianne from Saturday night...it was a Christmas miracle!!

Matt Said, Jay Said XXX.XXX.XXX

Jay speaks, Matt speaks, You listen.

*ring* *ring*
Matt: Yo
Jay: *heavy breathing* what are you wearing *heavy breathing*
Matt: Oh, Schmoop it’s for you.
Schmoop: Hello?
Jay: *heavy breathing* what are you wearing? *heavy breathing*
Schmoop: Oh hi Jay!
Jay: I’m not Jay! I’m a Mysterious Stranger.
Schmoop: Oh, right. Matt, it’s for you. It’s Jay.
Jay: Dammit!
*click* 

*ring* *ring*
Matt: Howdy Ho
Jay: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AN SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK!
Matt: Jay, what are doing?
Jay: I’M NOT JAY DAMMIT! CALL ME THAT NAME AGAIN AND SUFFERE THE CONSEQUENCES!
Matt: Jay … Jay … Jay … JayJayJayJayJayJayJayJay
Jay:  I said I’m not Jay! I’m … I’m … It doesn’t matter who I am!
Matt: You really should have thought this out better.
Jay: Bite me! I’ll cut your throat while you’re sleeping.
Matt: Well just remember Schmoop is the one on the couch and I’m in the bedroom.
Jay: Okay! Prepare to die!
Matt: Could you let me know when?
Jay: NO! That would ruin the surprise.
Matt: Okay then.
Jay: Okay then!

Matt: It’s margarita night, isn’t it?
Jay: Yeah.
Matt: Maybe you should stick to wine?
Jay: Wine makes me too mellow. I lose my edge.
Matt: Well, you could probably stand to lose it.
Jay: That kind of hurts.
Matt: How bout beer?
Jay: That just makes me all sloppy and shit.
Matt: Hmm … well, margaritas it is I guess.
Jay: Or maybe just sipping on bourbon?
Matt: That might work.
Jay: Hey! Can I talk to Schmoop.
Matt: No, she’s in a good mood. I don’t want you to ruin it.
Jay: Again, that’s a bit hurtful, but I understand.
Matt: It’s the best I can do.

Jay: So War on Christmas this week?
Matt: Saturday NIGHT at 11 PM ET!!
Jay: What side are we on?
Matt: I dunno.
Jay: Both? Neither?
Matt: Something like that.
Jay: I’ve already got some material.
Matt: Really?
Jay: Yup, a couple of reports from the brave journalists covering the War.
Matt: Always useful.
Jay: They’re like Hemingway.
Matt: I hope not cause Papa sucked.
Jay: Oh yeah, I keep forgetting.
Matt: The War on Christmas is very complicated.
Jay: People need us to break it down for them.
Matt: We’ll identify the combatants and what’s at stake.
Jay: And make fun of them.
Matt: Noooooooooo. This is serious shit.
Jay: War is Hell son.
Matt: Damn right it is.
Jay: And we’ve experience a bit of Hell ourselves.
Matt: And now we’re gonna bring Hell to the masses.
Jay: Just like Doc Holiday.
Matt: Exactly. Actually, I have no idea what you mean by that.
Jay: The move Tombstone? “Tell ‘em I’m coming and Hell’s coming with me!”
Matt: Oh. Okay then. That works. I guess.
Jay: Totally.
Matt: Alright! Another #1 show, coming right up!
Jay: Brilliant!

There you go kids. Another fun and exciting peek into the world of IWS show prep. And, don’t forget to tune in at our new time on Saturday NIGHT at 11 PM ET for our War on Christmas Extravaganza! It’s gonna be a blast!

Bill O'Reilly and the War on Christmas: The Spin Stops Here

Caution!!  The spin stops here!!

Bill O’Reilly here for I’m With Stupid, and you’re probably already asking yourselves…

“Why would a man of O’Reilly’s, grandiose and soon-to-be cast in bronze on public squares image, go slumming for attention on this internet rag sheet?”

Because folks, I’m looking out for you, and must call a pinhead a pinhead when I see one, and yesterday?

I’m With Stupid’s Senior War on Christmas correspondent, Marty Martstein, showed through his idiotic elocution, that he is indeed, a pinhead.

You see, like most socialist progressives…

Mr. Martstein via his IWS article yesterday, attacked Christians as being hypocrites and savages because there were a handful of minor incidents and injuries on Black Friday as 80% of America rushed to get jawbone of an ass dropping deals on today’s versions of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, in order to celebrate the birthday of Christ.

Mr. Martstein reported that during the Black Friday for Christ festivities, a grandfather in Phoenix was beaten by security, a man in Oakland was shot, customers in LA were pepper sprayed, and in Little Rock, fights and ass cheeks broke out over two dollar waffle irons during what appeared to be a plumbers’ convention.

All very cutesy of our secular friend Mr. Martstein, but all in all, not very fair and balanced.  You see…

What Mr. Martstein fails to report is, that without injury to body or soul, millions of Christ-Loving Americans made their epic journeys to the stores in order to “pay it forward” in His name, and like Mary and Joseph were counted as Christians in the cultural census in spite of throngs of Herod worshipping secularists and shopkeepers.

So typical of Mr. Martstein and the loony Left, and it speaks volumes of their drug-addled, hippie upbringing.

I don’t know what went on at Christmas in Mr. Martstein’s household when he was a kid, but when I grew up in a working class neighborhood of Levittown NY., and my father worked his middle-class job as a currency counter for an oil company, Christmas meant Midnight Mass, praising the birth of the Christ child, and reviewing my first term grades that I had earned while attending the non-government supported, Chaminade High School in Mineola.

Christmas also meant that mom would serve sauterne punch and rum soaked petit fours, but that’s a story for my next book, which of course if you are a premium member of The O’Reilly Factor, you will be able to receive at a steep discount…anyway…

After Mass, we would all meet on the steps of the Church, and in our sauterne and rum induced jocularity, say, “Merry Christmas” to one and other, and let me tell you…

Back in those days, had Mr. Martstein been around to protest our Merry Christmases to one and other, I would have punched him in his pinhead, and shoved a crucifix and an Advent candle up his ass.  That’s just the way it was back then.

But now, we Christians aren’t permitted to do such things.  We Christians, in the name of tolerance, are expected to sit in silence and embrace cultures and religions that get their feelings hurt if we dare mention the birth of Jesus Christ.  And boy do they get all bent out of shape when we do that.

I have done research that shows that 99% of atheists, secularists, Muslims, and other anti-Christ store goers get their burkas in a wad over store employees saying "Merry Christmas" to them this time of year.*

Well you know what?  Fuck it…The fucking thing sucks…I’ll write it and we’ll do it live.  Right here and right now.

We Christians can now tell pinheads like Marty Martstein that the shoe of the fisherman is on the other foot and we have the upper hand.

The Jesus hating progressives may be the 99 per centers, but we are the one percent of Americans that will get Raptured up…and we are occupying righteousness.

Merry Christmas, and bring me the Head of Bill Mahar,

Bill O’Reilly

To reach Bill-O, contact Matt-Man @:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
www.twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

*Research provided to Bill-O by President of the Catholic League, Bill Donohue, over fried tilapia bites, and a fifth of Jameson’s at O’Leary’s in Secaucus, NJ.  Neither left a tip.

Bill O'Reilly: Lincoln Had it Coming

Hola Bitches! Bill O’Reilly here!

As you probably know I have written a book about the Lincoln Assassination and as always, the Liberal Elite are right there to nitpick. They’re all up in my grill over these ridiculous things that they call “facts” that they claim I got wrong. So typical of these people! They love to scream and yell about stupid, useless stuff like getting names, dates and events factually correct. Like anyone gives a shit!

The liberal elites ask me if I did any research for my book. Who has time for that? Research means going to libraries and interviewing people and reading, right? I’m not into that kind of stuff. I’m more of a gut feeling kind of coach than an X’s and O’s guy. And, I take that same successful approach to my books.

Also, I’ve found that the liberal media isn’t a big fan of facts that don’t fit their ideological world view. This is something that conservatives don’t do. We know the facts intuitively and don’t need some pinheads telling us we’re wrong just because they can’t handle the truth.

The liberal intelligentsia are coming after me just like they did Lincoln. Trying to assassinate my character and hard work by creating an atmosphere of hate so bad, that they’re hoping someone will put a bullet my head just like Hollywood Leftist and Al Qaida member John Wilkes Booth did to Lincoln with his high powered rifle from the 6th floor of Henry Ford’s Theater as the president was arriving on the red carpet at the premiere of My Cousin Vinny.

But you know what? I have far superior security than Lincoln had. Hell, his Cadillac limo wasn’t even armored. And, I’m more careful than he was. Is it really any surprise that he was killed not long after pissing off the Black Panthers by signing the Missouri Compromise? And good grief, his attempts at nationalizing healthcare simply destroyed job growth. And, since he was president during peacetime, there was really no excuse for having a poor economy.

And let’s not forget about Lincoln’s strong support for gay rights and his vow to repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the Defense of Marriage Act. It’s that kind of casual dismissal of states' rights that put his name high on the ACLU’s hit list. Not to mention his fighting the War on Christmas and not allowing America hating atheists to ruin our celebration of the birth of America’s savior Jesus Christ down in Birmingham, Alabama. Boy did that piss off the communists who control the Democrat party!

Finally, the manner in which Mr. Lincoln went about putting together the “Coalition of the Willing,” the group of countries that teamed up with the Northern States to launch an unprovoked attack on the peace-loving and human rights respecting Confederacy which posed no threat whatsoever to the North was completely unnecessary. No wonder Move On was running those ads attacking Lincoln and that ruthless bastard General George McClellan!

Look, I’m not saying President Lincoln deserved to be shot. Just that he had it coming. Look, if you spend all your time antagonizing liberals, eventually something bad is going to happen. Just look at JFK! Not to mention all the people Bill Clinton had whacked. This is why I have to spend tens of millions of dollars to pay to have former Mossad agents to head up my security. It’s a dangerous world out there and getting on the wrong side of lefties is by far the most dangerous thing you can do.

If you would like to opine on this further, just hit up my man Jay.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws