I Love Summer!!

Y’know?  Today is the first full day of Summer, and we are gonna have some fun, in fact…

The other day, a post that Jayman wrote reminded me of a good time summer time dream that I had had some years ago.

And please…allow me to tell to tell you how it all went down..

I was at picnic fundraiser for Sarah Palin. It was a first, kinda summer day, and …

True to her folksy, homespun carnival act personality, there were all sorts of activities that one might find at a small town America cookout during the summer.

I signed up for the three-legged race. I’ve always kinda dug that. We all threw our names in a hat and Sarah drew names to see who would partner with whom.

I was excited because I knew that if I had a decent partner I had a good shot at winning. My excitement soon became despair when Sarah named who would be tied up with me…

Stephen Fucking Hawking!!

“What a disadvantage that puts me at.” I muttered to myself.

While other pairs are running the race with three good legs, I’m going to be draggin’ Hawking down Lane 4 for 50 yards.

I was thinking to myself, “Holy Shit…Having Heather Mills as my partner would be a step up.”

Anyhoo…Hawking comes rolling up to me, and in his creepy McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker voice, said…

“Let’s kick some ass, Matt-Man.”

So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape.

I dragged him and his useless body over to the starting line. There were six teams in the race, but one team in particular was giving me and The Hawk-Man the stink eye.

It was the team of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

After we stared them down (well, after I stared them down, Hawking’s face was in the dirt, mumbling some incoherent bullshit about supernovas and their effect on the space/time continuum), I turned my eyes to the prize and the finish line that was 50 yards away.

Palin with bullhorn in hand, shouted, “Ready, Set…” and then several rounds from her AK-47 set each team into motion.

Despite the dead weight attached to me, I was bolting like lightning down the course…
Hawking beside me and behind me all the way, his face being bloodied by the ground as he drooled and continuously muttered, for whatever reason, “Deus ex Machina!!”

O’Reilly and Beck were leading, but as we neared the finish line lagging behind those two nut jobs, they abruptly stopped in order to deeply kiss and fondle each other’s dick.

As they engaged in their ego and cock stroking man love, I sped passed them hauling Hawking’s bouncing, crippled body beside me.

As we crossed the finish line in triumphant fashion, I realized the brilliance of Hawking. O’Reilly and Beck’s public display of depravity had been our Deus ex Machina.

I cut Hawking loose from me, gave him a bottle of Gatorade, and proceeded to have obligatory winner’s sex with Bristol Palin.

Hawking? Unable to put himself into his wheelchair, he lay there calculating exactly how long it would take him to die from over-exposure to the hot summer sun. And you know what?

That brilliant bastard predicted his sunstroke induced demise right to the nano-second, and that in itself, is pretty God Damn brilliant…and funny.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Analysis: Summer Sucks

Holaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, we might have had a mild spring down here, but it looks like summer is going to be a scorcher! Temperatures here in the Greater Redneckville Metropolitan Area have already skyrocketed into the mid-nineties and humidity seems to have set in for the next few months at least. Of course, for many people this is good news. People love to get out and be active in the summertime and let me tell ya, there are lots of great places for that around here.

Some people like to go up to Bull Shoals Lake and go fishing, boating and swimming. I’m good with the

fishing and boating thing, but I don’t know about swimming. I mean, have you gotten a whiff of the lake water lately? It’s pretty stank. Besides, fish poop in there and I’m not a fan of swimming in fish poop. Also, please practice catch and release because there’s no way I’m eating anything that comes out of that cesspool. My fish comes frozen and breaded from the store thank you very much.

A lot of people also like to go down to the Buffalo River and go canoeing, tubing and swimming down there. The problem with that is that the further you canoe or tube down the river, the further you have to have to haul that shit back to your car. Oh sure, you can hire folks to do that for you, but that’s expensive. I think spending that money on a beachfront condo in Ft. Walton Beach sounds like a much better idea.

As for swimming in the Buffalo? No thanks. Again, fish poop all over the place. Plus, people always want to jump off cliffs or swing off the cliff on a rope and then into the water. Sounds like a great way to bang your head off some rock and get knocked to stupid, so I’ll pass. It also just looks snakey to me down there.

There are also many great hiking trails all around the Ozarks. Boy what fun that is, huh? Getting out there during the heat of the day walking along some trail deep into the woods in the American South? What could possibly go wrong? 

Oh gee, I don’t know! Maybe you could get mauled by a black bear? Or bitten by one the handful of poisonous snakes in this area? Or maybe a big old Elk will take a dislike to you and trample you without warning? Those things have been known to be pretty unpredictable, ya know! Or maybe you’ll just get lost and wander onto someone’s property and get blown up by a booby trap they have set up around their marijuana fields?  Sounds like so much fun huh? Yeah, no.

Another option would be to just to the pool here at my apartment complex. This isn’t too bad of an idea. I enjoy lounging around the pool and swimming. It’s good to get out there and just lay back and catch some rays to get that “healthy glow.” A bonus is all the Cougars and MILF’s running around in bikinis. That definitely makes things more enjoyable. Of course you can’t spell MILF without the “M” and that means kids. Obnoxious, screaming, crying, pissing in the pool kids! *sigh* So much for hanging out at the pool.

The only thing left is cooking out. This is something I can totally support. Cooking hot dogs, brats, burgers, chicken, pork chops, potatoes, veggies and all kinds of other stuff on the grill is one of the great summer traditions that we can all enjoy. What’s really great about grilling is that you can drink beer while doing it and when the food is done you put it on a platter and go back inside where the air conditioning is blasting away and there is comfortable seating. 

Now THAT’S how you enjoy summer folks!

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