Matt's Least Favorite Words

Cheers Chuckleheads…Continuing the continuity of our posts this week…As Jayman posted yesterday his least favorite words, I shall today, offer unto you-ins, my least favorite words.

So, heretofore, and to wit, are Matt-Man’s least favorite words…

Panties:  I tried and tried not to duplicate Jayman, but I hate this word so much, and with such fervor, that I cannot allow it to go unreplicated.  Sure, I enjoy from time to time wearing Schmoop’s underwear, but that is exactly what they are. Underwear…or as Jay called them, skivvies.  The word “panties” gives me a serious case of the goo.

Bologna:  It’s lunch meat folks.  There is no sense, even if it is spelled pretentiously, to call baloney, Buh-Lo-Nuh.  If I hear a person refer to the poor man’s steak as, Buh-Lo-Nuh, I turn red, piss my pants, and look for a baloney rind with which to strangle them.

Pro-Active:  Uuuuuuuch!!  Pro-Active literally (sorry Jay) means for action, but you know what? Most people who claim to be Pro-Active, typically want to hold a meaningless meeting and talk about the action of which they are for, yet nothing ever comes of it.

Sorghum:  It’s a fucking grass…a grass that can be turned into a molasses type fodder thing.  Ick…Say it. Sorrrrrr Gummmmm.  Merely on the level of pronunciation, it's an icky and sticky word.  I bet sorghum is a big commodity down in Jay’s part of the woods, but I would never hold that against him.

Breast(s):  Seriously?  Breasts?  They’re boobs…tits…fun bags!!  To hell with the clinical and sterile term, breast.  They can spurt out milk and are fun to play with.  Boobs and/or Tits, are much better names for such a jocular and happiness yielding creation.

Another thing that Jayman mentioned yesterday…Sammy, addy, and pressie.  In that vein, I would like to add another…“Bestie”.

“I want to show you all a picture of my newest bestie.”  You mean your new best friend?

How’s about I pour a gallon of fucking sorghum all over you and your "bestie's" bodies and place you both on a fire ant colony you idiot!?  Fuckin’“bestie”.

Hitler:  Oh Dear God!!  I think I like Adolf Hitler more than all of these present day politicians and political pundits who invoke his name in order to elicit outrage and score a political point that is always way off base. Hitler was a nut, who had one nut, and killed millions.  Neither George W. Bush nor Barack Obama is a, Hitler.

Blanch(e):  When cooking it is blanch; as a name, it is Blanche.  Either way, it is a discordant sounding word/name that makes me want to vomit (sorry Jay).

Christian:  Do I really need to say why I hate this word?  Okay, I will.  Because many people define it as, and live it as, a person who knows best for you, all the while, not observe the teachings of Christ by dictating to others, judging others, and cheating on their spouse.  Christian?  What a joke that word has become.

And there you have it folks…My list of least favorite words.

And if you’d like to hear some poetic words, you can catch the show that Jay and I did yesterday on Blog Talk Radio.  As usual, we were epically funny, and you can catch it all right here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Cheers!! Matt-Man mattmaniws@ymail.com @MattMan_IWS

Christmas Is For Everyone...At Least It Should Be

Cheers, Merry Christmas Eve, and here’s hoping that all y’all have a most wonderful Christmas celebration tomorrow should you be one of the Christian faith, but then again…

Does one really have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas?

My answer is no…and please, if  you will, allow me a moment of your time to ‘splain.

Not too long ago, Bill O’Reilly was interviewing an Atheist, and Bill-O remarked that Christianity was not a religion, but rather a philosophy.

Much humorous scorn was cast upon The O’Reilly of The Mighty Ego for saying that, but you know what?

O’Reilly was right.  Well…er…half-right.

Philosophical schools of thought attempt to boil down what is best (or not so good) for humankind in regards to conduct behavior, and the greater good, through the use of critical thought.

Religions do the same, however; religions oft times invoke a person and/or deity as a symbol of their philosophical teachings, and let loose the free radical of anti-philosophy known as, “faith.”

In order to set the record straight for Bill O’Reilly and host of other religious fanatics, the teachings of Jesus are a philosophy.

The worshiping of Jesus, is a religion…and in my opinion, one can celebrate, and have a very fine Christmas regardless of whether they believe in Jesus as the Son of God or not.

And that is where Bill O’Not-Einstein misses the point.

Ol’ pointy head Bill in all his bullying, bluster, and War on Christmas, doesn’t realize that Jesus isn’t the reason for the Season, the reason for the Season is that Roman Christians were morphing the birth of Christ into a replacement for all of the Pagan festivals that transpired around the Winter Solstice.

And ya know?  Here’s what people like O’Reilly will never understand…

Does it really matter if one is a Christian or not and believes that Christ was born on December 25th?  Does it even matter if one believes in Jesus Christ at all?

Of course it doesn’t.

Hell…In my book, I would appreciate people more if they treated Christmas Day less as a day to celebrate the birth of a savior who wasn't born on this day nor would he want you to celebrate it anyway, if they would take the time to honor his teachings.

Namely, The Sermon on the Mount….The Beatitudes, from the Book of Matthew…

the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (5:3)
those who mourn: for they will be comforted. (5:4)
the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. (5:5)
they who hunger and thirst for righteousness: for they will be satisfied. (5:6)
the merciful: for they will be shown mercy. (5:7)
the pure in heart: for they shall see God. (5:8)
the peacemakers: for they shall be called children of God. (5:9)
those who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (5:10)

If we all took the time to make sure that the Beatitudes were followed, every day would be Christmas Day regardless of what “righteous” being one follows and believes.

Many religions profess to hold the same ideals, but many followers of organized religions get caught up in the, “my dogma is better than yours” crap.

While Bill O’Reilly doesn’t truly believe it, he was right when he said Christianity is a philosophy, and if we were to all adhere to the aforementioned words of Christ, the world would be better off.

I don’t say that matter of factly…I am experiencing that very fact this Christmas.

And to those of you who have helped us out and know what I am saying…God Bless You.

And to all, Have a Very Merry Christmas be it religious, secular, or just good-willed.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@yahoo.com
@MattMan_IWS

Annnnnnnd...To make your Christmas happier, give a listen to Jay and I yukking it up Yuletide style with Dianne from Saturday night...it was a Christmas miracle!!

Christians Dumping Jesus for Tim Tebow

Many Christian Americans say Jesus just doesn’t do it for them anymore. So, they’ve dumped the son of God for Denver Bronco’s QB Tim Tebow. Turns out people are finding Tebow to be more reliable and more responsive to their prayers. Now that the Broncos have won six in a row and seven of their last eight games since installing Tebow as their QB, people are starting to become true believers.

“There’s something special about him,” said George McMartin of Arvada, Colorado, “he’s not winning these games with luck or skill. He’s doing with … well … something else.” That “something else” seems is an uncanny knack for sucking worse than any QB in the history of the NFL in the first three quarters of games and then suddenly being John Elway, Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas all rolled into one in the fourth quarter and crunch time.

He’s also benefited from some pretty strange happenings like opponents inexplicably running out of bound to stop the clock, dropping open passes and fumbling at critical moments. But, for many out there, there’s nothing strange about it at all. According to Tiffany Walters of Spartanburg, South Carolina it’s pretty obvious what is going on here. “These things happening once or twice could be just a coincidence, but every week? There’s something else going on. And that something else is God’s will.”

For most people though, their reasons for dumping Jesus for Tim Terrific are much more practical. “I’ve been praying to Jesus ever since I was a little boy,” says Willard Parsons of Blue Ball, Pennsylvania “and he hasn’t answered me yet. I’m tired of waiting. I get answers from Tim Tebow every Sunday afternoon.”

Others, like Amanda Ferrari of Pocahontas, Arkansas, Tebow is just more believable. “I’ve read the bible and I know all about Jesus turning water to wine and walking on water, but there’s no proof. I mean, there aren’t any YouTube videos of it or anything like that. I’ve seen the miracles Tim Tebow has performed. They’re real and I can actually relate to them. Plus, Jesus was a long haired-hippie looking foreign dude while Tim is a clean cut, all-American white boy. I can relate to him better.”

But, according to Carlos Garza of Del Rio, Texas, it’s clear that Tim Tebow is the real son of God. “I like Hey-Zuss berry mucho, but Teem Tebow, he performing miracles right before our very eyes. I not want to believe at first, but now? I no can deny it.”

The faithful aren’t the only ones who have taken notice of Mr. Tebow either. Paul Smudders, a leader in the World Atheist Society says his group is keeping a close eye on the Mile High Messiah. “Obviously, we’re prepared to discredit any claims people might make that Tebow is some kind of spiritual being worthy of being worshiped. The things that have happened that have led to the Broncos’ recent dramatic victories are easily explained. The opponents have simply sucked worse than Tebow does. And that’s something we’re about to start pointing out; that Tim Tebow really does suck.”

Smulders went on to add that he’s not impressed with Tebow and doesn’t think you should be either. “He has a string of bullshit wins and anyone who can actually think for himself knows that. We can’t control weak-minded uneducated cult followers out there though. All we can do is state the facts. State them in as loud, obnoxious and rude a way as possible. And while doing that we need to remember to be smug and condescending dick bags. It’s a style we’ve used for years with great success.”

So it looks like a new front has been opened in the great religion war going on in America. The only question now is: Will Jesus come back to stop all this ‘Tim Tebow is the new Messiah’ talk or is he happy to have the attention on someone else for a while, giving him a bit of a break?

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS