Super Bowl Forty-Eight Extravaganza

Hola Sports Fans! We are only a few days away from one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world, Super Bowl XLVIII! At 6:30 (ish) pm ET on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos will do battle in front of hundreds of millions of people all over the world. Only a handful of those people will actually give a damn who wins, but it will be fun anyway.

The NFL continues to be far more marketing style over actual football substance. The product on field rarely even comes close to the hype, although this match up does look like a great one. Despite the fact that NFL ratings continue to go up, up and away, the league is not without its problems. Chief among those problems is how much more dangerous the game is today and how much more we know about those dangers, especially to the brain. While the ratings go up, more and more parents are questioning whether they will allow their sons to play football.

There is also the problem of the game becoming increasingly too expensive for people to attend. Tickets aren’t cheap, parking is an outrage and if you want a hot dog or beer from the concession stand you’ll need to take out a small loan. Combine that with the fact that watching the game form home on your own large HDTV is soooooo much more comfortable and it’s easy to see a real attendance problem developing in the near future for the NFL. This is especially true as the phrase “in this economy” stretches into its sixth year of being a legitimate excuse not to spend money on “luxuries.” And of course, this is where the NFL’s idiotic blackout policy drives people to watch games via illegal online streaming.

And let’s not forget that every season we are subjected to the most moronic “analysis” from all the brilliant football pundits out there. The same pundits who marvel at the “athleticism and football instincts” of black players while extolling the “high work ethic and intellectual approach to football” of white players. According to them, this is still a game where black QBs like possible first round draft pick Teddy Bridgewater of Louisville is hilariously labeled as a “running QB” while so-called experts marvel at the fact that Indy’s white QB Andrew Luck “is so big and can run so well.”

Oh and let’s not forget about HGH and the fact that the NFL is probably going to have to find a way to deal with it that allows players to use it when injured to help in their recovery. They do anyway, so why not make it so that it could be monitored and less dangerous? Same goes for medical marijuana. Come on, WE ALL KNOW IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!

Over the top marketing and commercialism, classism, racism, violence and ignoring problems until they’re almost too big to deal with them and the NFL truly is American’s Game. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Anyhoodle, as usual I have not been invited to any Super Bowl parties so I went to Walmart today to get the stuff I needed for my own little party. I’m going to have nachos, taquitos baked in the oven and a burrito. Oh wait, I guess I won’t be having a burrito because NOBODY in town had what I wanted. I don’t need a package of 12 burritos, I just need one. So, I’ll have to live without the burrito and the disappointment is mad real y’all.

Believe it or not though, there are lots of people out there who don’t give a damn about the Super Bowl or football at all. We call these people America-hating, terrorist-loving, pinko-commie panty-wastes. No offense intended, of course. But, if you happen to be one of these people, I have you covered.

Maybe you could watch a movie? Perhaps, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead?”

Or you could read. Possibly the “Undead Kama Sutra” by Mario Acevedo which is set in Denver, or go all out and read “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James which is set in Seattle?

Maybe some TV would be more fun? Well, you could watch a bunch of episodes of “South Park” created by Coloradans Trey Parker and Matt Stone or, if you prefer humans, you can binge watch “Community” starring Seattle native (kinda) Joel McHale.”

BONUS: Community’s Alison Brie…

Let’s see what the late, great Nipsey Russell thinks …

Super Bowl forty-eight is all set for the Meadowlands
Fans, celebrities and dignitaries will be on hand
But you should just stay home with a bunch of beer in your fridge
You never know when Chris Christie will close another bridge

Denver is a 2.5 point favorite, but I really have no idea who will win. I suspect that the Broncos just have a little too much offense for the Seahawks and will win something  like ….

Denver 27
Seattle  17

Enjoy the game everyone! Or don’t, what do I care?

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS

Super Bowl XLVIII: Only the Slyder Knows

Hi Sports Fans…IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock coming to you LIVE from Next Life Stadium in East Brotherhood, New Jersey breaking down the upcoming Super Bowl for you.

Super Bowl Excelvie, pits the defensively dangerous Legion of Bomb of the Seattle Mariners, against the holds no-bar offense of Eli Manning and the Mile High Broncos.

Broncos fans haven’t been this worked up since Floyd Little was still looked upon with a distrusting eye in Denver restaurants, and these days, the giddiness of Mariners fans surpasses the joy felt even when Starbucks came out with a Strawberry Mocha Café Latte in April of aught eleven.

When there is a Super Bowl, shenanigans and excitement abound.

And let me tell ya, when a team from the Pacific Time Zone meets a team from the Mountain Time Zone, it gets really ugly when they play the Super Bowl in the Eastern Time Zone, and it doesn’t seem fair!!

For instance…

Let’s say that Eli Manning goes all Mustang on the Mariners, and does a hurry-up offense…How can Seattle who is a time zone behind, respond with a defense that can defend their play?

And here’s a real kicker…if the Broncos run a delay draw play…the Mariners may be even more than an hour behind.  It doesn’t seem fair, but Mariner fans, have no fear.

If the game goes into overtime, the Seattle grid-ironers have a better chance to win because they have an extra hour to play the game.

And now, for my sumulation and prediction…

The boys of the Nile High City are pretty good.  Eli, along with Jenarious Thomas, Eric Becker, and Wes Walker baste a formidable pass attack…although…

Seattle has legendary actor Kurt Russell at quarterback, his step-child, Golden Hawn at wide-receiver, and the ever inflammatory Richard “Tecumseh” Sherman at cornerback.

My prediction?

If Eli can put more points up on the board than Snake Pliskin, the Broncos will win, but let me tell ya…

Eli doesn’t always have it going on, however…

If the late, great Ernest Borgnine shows up in that ratty-tatty Escape from New York car, and responds to a play action pass from Eli…it’s all over.

My Super Bowl prediction?

In sumulation…Ernest Borgnine kicks a three point safety and blocks a hand off to secure the win for the Mile High Broncos, even though Ernie plays for the Seattle Football Giants.

Have a great Super Bowl Sunday, and as always…

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ for the showers!!

But for more Super Bowl insight, you stay right there…

Slyyyyyyyyder

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Christians Dumping Jesus for Tim Tebow

Many Christian Americans say Jesus just doesn’t do it for them anymore. So, they’ve dumped the son of God for Denver Bronco’s QB Tim Tebow. Turns out people are finding Tebow to be more reliable and more responsive to their prayers. Now that the Broncos have won six in a row and seven of their last eight games since installing Tebow as their QB, people are starting to become true believers.

“There’s something special about him,” said George McMartin of Arvada, Colorado, “he’s not winning these games with luck or skill. He’s doing with … well … something else.” That “something else” seems is an uncanny knack for sucking worse than any QB in the history of the NFL in the first three quarters of games and then suddenly being John Elway, Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas all rolled into one in the fourth quarter and crunch time.

He’s also benefited from some pretty strange happenings like opponents inexplicably running out of bound to stop the clock, dropping open passes and fumbling at critical moments. But, for many out there, there’s nothing strange about it at all. According to Tiffany Walters of Spartanburg, South Carolina it’s pretty obvious what is going on here. “These things happening once or twice could be just a coincidence, but every week? There’s something else going on. And that something else is God’s will.”

For most people though, their reasons for dumping Jesus for Tim Terrific are much more practical. “I’ve been praying to Jesus ever since I was a little boy,” says Willard Parsons of Blue Ball, Pennsylvania “and he hasn’t answered me yet. I’m tired of waiting. I get answers from Tim Tebow every Sunday afternoon.”

Others, like Amanda Ferrari of Pocahontas, Arkansas, Tebow is just more believable. “I’ve read the bible and I know all about Jesus turning water to wine and walking on water, but there’s no proof. I mean, there aren’t any YouTube videos of it or anything like that. I’ve seen the miracles Tim Tebow has performed. They’re real and I can actually relate to them. Plus, Jesus was a long haired-hippie looking foreign dude while Tim is a clean cut, all-American white boy. I can relate to him better.”

But, according to Carlos Garza of Del Rio, Texas, it’s clear that Tim Tebow is the real son of God. “I like Hey-Zuss berry mucho, but Teem Tebow, he performing miracles right before our very eyes. I not want to believe at first, but now? I no can deny it.”

The faithful aren’t the only ones who have taken notice of Mr. Tebow either. Paul Smudders, a leader in the World Atheist Society says his group is keeping a close eye on the Mile High Messiah. “Obviously, we’re prepared to discredit any claims people might make that Tebow is some kind of spiritual being worthy of being worshiped. The things that have happened that have led to the Broncos’ recent dramatic victories are easily explained. The opponents have simply sucked worse than Tebow does. And that’s something we’re about to start pointing out; that Tim Tebow really does suck.”

Smulders went on to add that he’s not impressed with Tebow and doesn’t think you should be either. “He has a string of bullshit wins and anyone who can actually think for himself knows that. We can’t control weak-minded uneducated cult followers out there though. All we can do is state the facts. State them in as loud, obnoxious and rude a way as possible. And while doing that we need to remember to be smug and condescending dick bags. It’s a style we’ve used for years with great success.”

So it looks like a new front has been opened in the great religion war going on in America. The only question now is: Will Jesus come back to stop all this ‘Tim Tebow is the new Messiah’ talk or is he happy to have the attention on someone else for a while, giving him a bit of a break?

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Tim Tebow Has Returned To Save Us All...

Hola faithful followers! It is I, your savoir, Tim Jesus Christ II Tebow, and I’m here to lead all Denver Broncos fans to the Promised Land. On Monday morning my father God, acting through Broncos coach John Fox named me the starting quarterback. All your prayers have been answered.

On Sunday, Oct 23, I will travel across America to the city of the Jews, Miami. Along the way crowds will gather and cheer with glee, singing songs of praise and pleading to be saved.  Then, despite the fact that there will be many doubters there, and may people who seek to do me harm, I shall ride the on the shoulders of Ryan Clady, who is hung like a donkey, past the palm trees and into the stadium.

Man, it’s gonna be a beautiful day. I can’t wait. Did you see that comeback I made against the Chargers this last Sunday? It would have been complete if Brother Brandon Lloyd hadn’t dropped that two point conversion.

At first I was angry. I know it’s wrong to express anger in that manner, but defying me the way Lloyd did is unacceptable. I, like my biggest disciple Skip Bayless, believed that Lloyd dropped that two point conversion on purpose. He betrayed me. Dude gave me the football version of the Judas Kiss right there in the end zone.

But, then I realized that wasn’t the case. No, Brandon didn’t want to drop that pass. He had no control over it. He didn’t have a crisis of faith as I feared. He tried to the best of his ability, but just couldn’t quite haul it in. And why, couldn’t he make the catch?

EL DIABLO! That’s why.

The Devil himself took over Brandon’s hands and forced him to drop that pass. It’s the only explanation. I was being tested. And I passed that test. Just like the person who took my tests at the University of Florida for me passed all those tests. Once again I showed the world that I cannot be defeated by evil.

I cannot promise that we will make to the Super Bowl this year. For our journey will be long. There will be many great challenges along the way. But, if you keep me in your hearts and never lose faith, then we will make it someday. You’ve just got to believe.

Pay no attention to people like Merril Hoges. The doubters. The people who seek to diminish me and who I am in your eyes. There will be many of them. Most will come in the form of so-called “football experts.” They will say that I have bad mechanics, which is 100% not true. My new Mercedes has a maintenance plan with it and the mechanics at the dealership are outstanding.

They will say I have bad footwork. Again, not true. I’ve been working on both the Tango and the Pasodoble with Karina Smirnoff of Dancing with the Stars to improve my skills and make me lighter on my feet.  So, remember my brothers and sisters, they don’t know what they’re saying when they speak ill of me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

God Bless.
Tim Jesus Christ II Tebow

P.S. If you feel the need to contact me, you may do so through Brother Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
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