Expert Analysis of All 32 NFL Teams

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! The NFL returns this week so now is the perfect time for the most comprehensive analysis of EACH of the thirty-two teams in the league and some predictions. Okay, here we go…

AFC East:

New England Patriots – They will be the same as always
Miami Dolphins – They will also be the same as always
New York Jets – They suck
Buffalo Bills – The suck harder than the Jets even.

AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals – Decent team just good enough to disappoint their fans.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Pretty average at best
Baltimore Ravens – Slowly deteriorating
Cleveland Browns – GAWD-awful

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – Excellent, but boring as hell. Also, fans are horrible people.
Houston Texans – The Ryan Mallett Era doesn’t look good
Tennessee Titans – Steady mediocrity
Jacksonville Jaguars – So bad that Cleveland fans can make fun of Jags fans

AFC West

Denver Broncos – Very exciting high-powered team that’s fun to watch
Kansas City Chiefs – Good, but not good enough.
San Diego Chargers – Lots of talent! (As always)
Oakland Raiders – I don’t want any trouble with Raiders fans.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles – Lots of potential and fun to watch
Washington Redskins - *clap clap clap clap* OVER-RATED *clap clap clap clap*
New York Giants – Ugly … Just ugly!
Dallas Cowboys – This team and its fans can go straight to hell

NFC South

Green Bay Packers – Healthy and ready to make a run!
Chicago Bears – They’ll find a way to lose when it matters most
Detroit Lions – So much talent with so little payoff
Minnesota Vikings - *YAWN*

NFC South

Carolina Panthers – They’re so close, but management is afraid of the big time.
Atlanta Falcons – Play in the shittiest sports town in America
New Orleans Saints – Like the city they are exciting, but suffer from neglect
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Bucs are still in the league??

NFC East:

Seattle Seahawks – The best team and best organization in the NFL
San Francisco 49ers – Their window is closing rapidly
Arizona Cardinals – Steadily getting better.
St Louis Rams – Will always be a doormat

AFC Championship: Patriots vs Broncos
NFC Championship: Packers vs Seahawks

Super Bowl: Broncos vs Seahawks

Winner:  Seattle Seahawks!!! 

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Matt Said, Jay Said...XLVIII

Matt kicks off.  Jay runs it back.  You throw a flag for delay of the IWS Radio Show.

Matt: Hellroooooooo?
Jay:  Glad you finally realized that today is Show Prep Day.
Matt:  Well with Schmoop here everyday, I never know what day it is.
Jay:  Yeah…When she was working, and was home during the day, you knew it was Saturday or Sunday.
Matt:  I know, right?  And now?  I am completely lost, day of the week wise.
Jay:  Man…it’s hard being you.
Matt:  Pffffffffffft.  Don’t I know it.

Jay:  So, I guess we should not do a show this Sunday since it’s Super Bowl Sunday.
Matt:  Yeah…It’s a shame, but for some reason the Super Bowl is more interesting than our comedy.
Jay:  I don’t get that.
Matt:  Me neither.
Jay and Matt:  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Matt and Jay:  Plus, it would be nice to be able to watch the big game ourselves.  Hey-Ooooooooooooo!!

Jay:  Super Bowl Sunday is a good time…a few drinks…
Matt:  Some salty snacks…
Jay:  America coming together for four quarters…
Matt:  The dulled excitement of Joe Buck calling the game…
Jay:  If only Troy Aikman would feign a post-concussion seizure and deck that idiot.  That would be awesome!!
Matt:  Joe Buck’s neutrality as a human being, needs to be punched.
Jay:  Word.

Matt:  On the upside, Pam Oliver will be on the sidelines.  Mmmmmmmmm, Pam.
Jay:  Oh Hell Yeah…So will Erin Andrews; I hope the angry black man doesn’t frighten her again!!
Matt:  If he does, Sean Hannity will be all up in his ass.
Jay:  Ha…Sean Hannity couldn’t kick Erin Andrews’ ass, let alone Richard Sherman’s.
Matt:  Ha.  Word.

Jay:  So no show this Sunday, but we will be back February 9th.
Matt:  Damn straight, and it will be our Valentine’s Day Show.
Jay:  The Day of Heartache for female office workers who get one-upped by their female co-workers.
Matt:  It’s so sad when a chick feels less loved than her next-door cubicle buddy.
Jay:  It’s a fucking shame.
Matt and Jay:  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Matt:  Alright then…We’ll take this Sunday off during Super Bowl XLVIII, and come back February 9th.
Jay:  Sounds like a good plan.
Matt:  Enjoy your snacks and all of the gridiron action.
Jay:  You do the same, and pray for a costume malfunction involving Pam Oliver.
Matt:  I always do.

Jay and Matt:  Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
   

Super Bowl XLVIII: Only the Slyder Knows

Hi Sports Fans…IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock coming to you LIVE from Next Life Stadium in East Brotherhood, New Jersey breaking down the upcoming Super Bowl for you.

Super Bowl Excelvie, pits the defensively dangerous Legion of Bomb of the Seattle Mariners, against the holds no-bar offense of Eli Manning and the Mile High Broncos.

Broncos fans haven’t been this worked up since Floyd Little was still looked upon with a distrusting eye in Denver restaurants, and these days, the giddiness of Mariners fans surpasses the joy felt even when Starbucks came out with a Strawberry Mocha Café Latte in April of aught eleven.

When there is a Super Bowl, shenanigans and excitement abound.

And let me tell ya, when a team from the Pacific Time Zone meets a team from the Mountain Time Zone, it gets really ugly when they play the Super Bowl in the Eastern Time Zone, and it doesn’t seem fair!!

For instance…

Let’s say that Eli Manning goes all Mustang on the Mariners, and does a hurry-up offense…How can Seattle who is a time zone behind, respond with a defense that can defend their play?

And here’s a real kicker…if the Broncos run a delay draw play…the Mariners may be even more than an hour behind.  It doesn’t seem fair, but Mariner fans, have no fear.

If the game goes into overtime, the Seattle grid-ironers have a better chance to win because they have an extra hour to play the game.

And now, for my sumulation and prediction…

The boys of the Nile High City are pretty good.  Eli, along with Jenarious Thomas, Eric Becker, and Wes Walker baste a formidable pass attack…although…

Seattle has legendary actor Kurt Russell at quarterback, his step-child, Golden Hawn at wide-receiver, and the ever inflammatory Richard “Tecumseh” Sherman at cornerback.

My prediction?

If Eli can put more points up on the board than Snake Pliskin, the Broncos will win, but let me tell ya…

Eli doesn’t always have it going on, however…

If the late, great Ernest Borgnine shows up in that ratty-tatty Escape from New York car, and responds to a play action pass from Eli…it’s all over.

My Super Bowl prediction?

In sumulation…Ernest Borgnine kicks a three point safety and blocks a hand off to secure the win for the Mile High Broncos, even though Ernie plays for the Seattle Football Giants.

Have a great Super Bowl Sunday, and as always…

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ for the showers!!

But for more Super Bowl insight, you stay right there…

Slyyyyyyyyder

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