The Nipsey News Report

Holaaaaaaaaaa! In honor of April being National Poetry Month, we’re introducing a new feature here on the website. The late, great Nipsey Russell gives his rhyming commentary on the news!

UConn defeats Kentucky for the NCAA Championship…

Congrats to Kevin Ollie and Huskies on your victory
You stayed calm while Calipari and the Cats looked jittery
UConn’s basketball prominence we can’t overrate
Just hope no one notices your EIGHT PERCENT graduation rate

Al Sharpton was an informant for the FBI...

So, Reverend Al was an FBI rat
The mafia thought he was just goofy and fat
After reading this story I’m fairly confident
Al Sharpton’s death is going to be no accident

Bain Capital has bought Maineschwitz...

Mitt Romney’s old company now owns all the matzo and kosher wine
For the Jews this must be a sign
Rabbis and Jewish scholars
Say give the Mormons all your Jewish dollars

Michael Hayden says Sen Feinstein is “too emotional” to investigate the CIA...

Gen Hayden might have gone too far with his taunts
He can apologize and explain all he wants
His comments stirred up a hornet’s nest
Women’s groups will never let him rest

Louisiana Congressman Vince McAllister was caught on surveillance cameras kissing one of his staffers …

Yet another married family values politician gets caught cheating
From some media and political groups he’s gonna take a beating
That Good Christian Vince will become a punch line
Luckily for him when republicans cheat they never have to resign

Rand Paul says Dick Cheney pushed for war with Iraq to make money for Haliburton …

Rand Paul’s accusations against Mr Cheney are very serious
Some people think he’s just delirious
But in fact these accusations aren’t all that new
And we all know they’re true

Jay Z sparks controversy by wearing Five Percent Nation bling at a Nets game …

Jay Z wore an oversized medallion that some people found offensive
Many of supporters today are feeling a little defensive
Some people think this controversy will ruin Jay Z’s day
Instead he’ll just roll around on a bed made of money and have sex with Beyonce  

Draft Day with Kevin Costner and Jennifer Garner opens this week …

Kevin Costner may have struck gold once again with another sports movie
Even if the movie’s concept seems a little looney
Personally I don’t care if the movie is bad, average or really good
Jennifer Garner is the most underrated MILF in Hollywood

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Super Bowl Forty-Eight Extravaganza

Hola Sports Fans! We are only a few days away from one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world, Super Bowl XLVIII! At 6:30 (ish) pm ET on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos will do battle in front of hundreds of millions of people all over the world. Only a handful of those people will actually give a damn who wins, but it will be fun anyway.

The NFL continues to be far more marketing style over actual football substance. The product on field rarely even comes close to the hype, although this match up does look like a great one. Despite the fact that NFL ratings continue to go up, up and away, the league is not without its problems. Chief among those problems is how much more dangerous the game is today and how much more we know about those dangers, especially to the brain. While the ratings go up, more and more parents are questioning whether they will allow their sons to play football.

There is also the problem of the game becoming increasingly too expensive for people to attend. Tickets aren’t cheap, parking is an outrage and if you want a hot dog or beer from the concession stand you’ll need to take out a small loan. Combine that with the fact that watching the game form home on your own large HDTV is soooooo much more comfortable and it’s easy to see a real attendance problem developing in the near future for the NFL. This is especially true as the phrase “in this economy” stretches into its sixth year of being a legitimate excuse not to spend money on “luxuries.” And of course, this is where the NFL’s idiotic blackout policy drives people to watch games via illegal online streaming.

And let’s not forget that every season we are subjected to the most moronic “analysis” from all the brilliant football pundits out there. The same pundits who marvel at the “athleticism and football instincts” of black players while extolling the “high work ethic and intellectual approach to football” of white players. According to them, this is still a game where black QBs like possible first round draft pick Teddy Bridgewater of Louisville is hilariously labeled as a “running QB” while so-called experts marvel at the fact that Indy’s white QB Andrew Luck “is so big and can run so well.”

Oh and let’s not forget about HGH and the fact that the NFL is probably going to have to find a way to deal with it that allows players to use it when injured to help in their recovery. They do anyway, so why not make it so that it could be monitored and less dangerous? Same goes for medical marijuana. Come on, WE ALL KNOW IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!

Over the top marketing and commercialism, classism, racism, violence and ignoring problems until they’re almost too big to deal with them and the NFL truly is American’s Game. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Anyhoodle, as usual I have not been invited to any Super Bowl parties so I went to Walmart today to get the stuff I needed for my own little party. I’m going to have nachos, taquitos baked in the oven and a burrito. Oh wait, I guess I won’t be having a burrito because NOBODY in town had what I wanted. I don’t need a package of 12 burritos, I just need one. So, I’ll have to live without the burrito and the disappointment is mad real y’all.

Believe it or not though, there are lots of people out there who don’t give a damn about the Super Bowl or football at all. We call these people America-hating, terrorist-loving, pinko-commie panty-wastes. No offense intended, of course. But, if you happen to be one of these people, I have you covered.

Maybe you could watch a movie? Perhaps, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead?”

Or you could read. Possibly the “Undead Kama Sutra” by Mario Acevedo which is set in Denver, or go all out and read “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James which is set in Seattle?

Maybe some TV would be more fun? Well, you could watch a bunch of episodes of “South Park” created by Coloradans Trey Parker and Matt Stone or, if you prefer humans, you can binge watch “Community” starring Seattle native (kinda) Joel McHale.”

BONUS: Community’s Alison Brie…

Let’s see what the late, great Nipsey Russell thinks …

Super Bowl forty-eight is all set for the Meadowlands
Fans, celebrities and dignitaries will be on hand
But you should just stay home with a bunch of beer in your fridge
You never know when Chris Christie will close another bridge

Denver is a 2.5 point favorite, but I really have no idea who will win. I suspect that the Broncos just have a little too much offense for the Seahawks and will win something  like ….

Denver 27
Seattle  17

Enjoy the game everyone! Or don’t, what do I care?

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NCAA Championship Extravaganza

Hola casual and fanatical sports fans! It’s time once again for the NCAA Men’s Championship Game. This year it features the Louisville Cardinals against the Michigan Wolverines. As usual, I’m here to break the game down for you scientifically.

Drink every time ….

1. CBS shows Kevin Ware
2. Someone misses a free throw. Wait, drink when they MAKE one. I want you to live.
3. Clark Kellogg makes up a word like “Suprtability”
4. Jim Nantz reads a promo for a CBS show.
5. There’s a controversial charge/block call.
6. They talk about how “young” Michigan is.
7. CBS shows a Master’s promo
8. Someone dribbles the ball off his foot out of bounds.
9. They talk about a players “length”
10. There’s a timeout called, either by a team or a TV timeout.

Chug an entire beer if…

1. A player actually hits BOTH free throws.
2. NEITHER Jim Nantz NOR Rick Pitino cheat on their wives this weekend.
3. Doug Gottlieb tells a race joke.
4. The game is over before 11:30 pm ET.
5. CBS shows a Big Bang Theory promo featuring Kaley Cuoco’s Big Bang Boobs!

If you just don’t care for basketball or just can’t stand the squeaky sneakers, you have other entertainment options:

Read “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” by Louisville’s own Hunter S. Thompson…

Read “Death of a Salesman” by University of Michigan alum Arthur Miller …

Watch “Return of the Living Dead” which is set in Louisville, KY…

Watch “The Bill Chill” as all the main characters met while attending the University of Michigan…

Let’s see what the late, great Nipsey Russell has to say about this game ..

“Louisville and Michigan will get it on for the title
Speed, experience, shooting and coaching are all vital
Look for the Cardinals to pull away late
And leave UK fans stewing in their bowl of hate.”

And what does legendary basketball analyst Dick “Dickie V” Vitale have to say…

“Well I tell ya, this is going to be an absolute war out there. You’ve got all the Diaper Dandies for Michigan against Louisville’s Glue Guys who are so disciplined and go so hard for forty full minutes. It’s down-right scary how well these two teams match up with each other. It’s unbelievable how many P-T-P-ers there will be on that floor Monday night. And of course we’re talking about two of the real legends of college basketball coaching this game. Both are all-timers. I don’t know who’s gonna win, but IT’S GONNA BE AWESOME BAY-BEEEE!”

As for my pick? Vegas installed Louisville as a 3.5 point favorite. I say take the points and run ..

Louisville 79
Michigan  68

Enjoy the game everybody. Or don’t. I don’t really care.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS

Also, be sure to check out "Hookers and Blow" on IWS Radio from Sunday. We talked about so many different things including Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon, The Master's, Media Whores and more! Also, Slyder Balzcock, Kirk Douglas, Paul Piatt and the rest of the gang. Check it out! 

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