Holaaaaaaaaa! I know what you’re wondering. You want to know
what show I am watching now that I’ve finished with Dexter. Well, I’m glad you
asked. I’m just started season three of “Six Feet Under.” It’s a show about a
family that owns a funeral home, and yes, it has got me to thinking about my
own mortality. However, I do want to make it perfectly clear that while I am
not afraid of death, I am personally opposed to it.
I've known a few people who were obsessed with death and
dying. In fact, they were more afraid of dying than anything else in the world,
and not just because they knew that their families would find that stack of
magazines and, you know, “stuff” they keep in a special box in their closets,
either. Nor am I talking about those Goth freaks who walk around wearing black
and put on makeup that makes them look like death warmed over all the time
either. Some of those chicks are actually pretty hot. No, I'm talking about perfectly
healthy people who actually sat around and worried about how and when they
would die.
That’s pretty crazy, why would anyone worry about THAT? Once
you’re gone you won’t be there to be embarrassed. You might as well just let
your family and friends have fun with it. Same goes for your browser history.
People will need a little comic relief at a time like that anyway. You know?
Dying can be pretty funny if you think about it.
You know what else should be funny? Funerals.
When I was in college I had a professor of a team management
class ask us to imagine our own funerals. It was a pretty depressing exercise
for most of us. We all sat there thinking of a traditional funeral with huge
crowds of mourners there bawling their eyes out. Everyone pretty much imagined
the same thing. I think only a couple of us said we would do the cremation
thing, and the rest of the class was evenly split on whether or not the casket
will be open.
I gotta tell ya, since that time I’ve attended a few funeral
and my views on how I would do mine have changed dramatically. The first thing
was the realization that my funeral will NOT be a major social event. In fact,
it would be very lightly attended. Well, IF I have one, that is. I doubt I will
though.
Funerals are a huge racket. Why spend that kind of money?
Just burn me, put me in a box and pour my ashes out along the cliffs
overlooking the Pacific Ocean near Monterey California. That would be pretty
nice. Or you could have my ashes blasted off into space. THAT would be pretty
cool. I don’t think I would be happy with a burial at sea because I have had
nightmares about being eaten by sharks, and that would suck. As for being put
in a casket and being buried, I’m a bit claustrophobic and caskets cost more
than a decent used SUV.
Instead of a big, fancy or formal funeral I just want
everyone to go somewhere and have a few drinks and some laughs. Maybe have a
wake at someone’s house and crank up the karaoke machine. Everyone can dedicate
a song to my memory. Another good idea would be for people to get up and do a
comedy routine. Have some fun with the whole thing. Make it a night no one will
ever forget. Oh, and don’t forget the dancing girls either!
Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’m gonna die alone and my body
won’t be discovered until my hillbilly neighbor complains to management about
the smell coming from my apartment. Then my body will be sent to the state to
have medical students practice on.
