Time to Start a Twitter War With a Celebrity

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You might remember that two days ago I did a post about people who might go a little overboard with this whole Favstarthing. Well, my good friend, the very lovely and talented Katy Anders said in comments that she would really like to get into a Twitter war and seems to think it would be a good thing for her. My reaction to this was “Hey! Thanks for the great idea!”

A Twitter war might be just the thing to snap me out of my early summer malaise that I’m not really in, but might fall into without something fun and interesting happening. The question is with whom should I get into this big Twitter war? It can’t be with Katy Anders cause she gave me the idea and she might use big hurtful words when she ruthlessly returns fire. It can’t be Matt-Man cause we’re creative partners in this IWS World Media Entertainment thing and that just wouldn’t work out well at all. Really, anyone who isn’t famous or a public figure wouldn’t be a good idea because a nobody fighting a nobody isn’t interesting.

Mick Huckabee, Salman Rushdie and Scott Raab are out because those wusses have already blocked me on Twitter.

So, I made a list of possible targets:

1. Joan Rivers: Joan is a very mean-spirited old hag and I doubt too many people would come to her defense. The worst thing about Joan is that she’s a huge hypocrite. She can dish it out, but she can’t take it. She says nothing and no one is off limits, which I agree with, but if you take a shot at her or tight-skinned double-digit IQ daughter she freaking loses it! So, she’s on top of the list of potential Twitter enemies.

2. Touré: My GAWD what a pretentious asshole this guy is. In addition to being a very intelligent guy who has done some deep thinking on big cultural and political issues he is a raging egomaniac with a superiority complex that would embarrass Donald Trump. Fuck this guy.

3. David Frum: What a worthless piece of human debris David Frum is. The only way he can get an erection is by watching videos of brown-skinned people being killed by bombs and missiles. Just having a quick back-and-forth with him would leave me feeling like I should take a Lysol shower. There’s also the problem that anyone who ever disagrees with him over any little thing is suddenly a Jew-hater.

4. Marc Maron: Okay, I like Marc’s WTF Podcast. Well, when he has good guests on at least. He’s a very good interviewer. I usually fast forward through his monologue cause I don’t give a crap what’s happening in his pathetic life. I also like his TV show cleverly titled “Maron” on IFC. But, Marc is VERY touchy and it doesn’t take much to drag him into a pissing match. Especially when someone points out that his show, Seinfeld and Louie are all pretty similar. He’s a very legit target.

5. Roland Martin: Idiot

6. Ezra (AKA: Ethra) Kline: I could just RT him and change his tweets to depict his lisp. That would be easy.

7. Dennis Miller: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

8. Seth MacFarlane: What a schmuck!

9. Glenn Greenwald: America-hating scum!

10. Jason Whitlock: Maybe too easy, but another disingenuous prick.

11. Jay Mohr: Corporate whore and complete sellout who isn’t funny and his impressions are all old and stale.

12. ESPN’s Michelle Beadle: Sports Bimbo who might have great legs but is so full it with her fake feud with Erin Andrews. Plus she says she won’t root for the Jets anymore since Mike Vick is their QB now, but she’s showers Floyd Mayweather who has a loooooooong history of beating up women with praise. She might be too easy. (Actually, I’ve heard she’s VERY easy, ifyouknowwhatImean.)

13. Michael Ian Black: Another unfunny comedian who is totally full of himself. God I can’t fucking stand this fuck!

14. Jerry Seinfeld: He’s just not funny and honestly, it’s a little sad. Seeing him trying to do standup after all these years is like watching Michael Jordan playing for the Wiz … wait … he was never Michael Jordan level in the comedy world.  

15. Patton Oslwalt: Hmmmm … Okay, Patton is a pretty smart guy, but there’s a lot there to mock. He’s short. REALLY SHORT! He’s got a stupid haircut. He’s totally full of himself. He’s thin-skinned. He’s a hipster wannabe. Oh, this has potential!

There are others, but this is going to go down as my longest blog post ever. Anyway, when I pick a victim I’ll use the IWS Radio Twitter account cause this is all about publicity and really, I’m a nice guy who wouldn’t do stuff like this.

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MSJS: Our Cable News Debut

Matt Speculates, Jay Speculates, You shake your head in amazement.

As was bound to happen at some point Matt-Man and Jayman have now become more than just International Internet Radio Stars and have become Media Personalities and Current Events Commentators. We made our debut this week on cable news and here’s the transcript …

Monday Night: Cable News Ninny: We now welcome Matt-Man and Jayman from IWS Radio. What is your take, gentlemen, on what happened in Boston?

Matt: I think this is domestic terrorism.
Jay: Naw … It’s foreign.
Matt: Happening on the day of the background check vote? In the most liberal city in America?
Jay: Yeah, I get that, but domestics usually go for government buildings.
Matt: True, but foreigners usually claim responsibility.
Jay: Hmmm … Buuuuut, a bomb in a crowd? Sooooo Al Qaeda!
Matt: Maybe, but think about all those foreigners racing? Right-wingers hate foreigners.
Jay: Damn. This is a tough one.
Matt: I say look for white guy w/ crew cut and owns a dozen or so guns.
Jay: No way man. Dark-Skinned all the way!  
CNN: Okay guys! Great insight!

Thursday Night: CNN: With us again are Matt-Man and Jayman from IWS Radio. You’ve seen the video and the pics of the suspects, what do you make of all this?

Jay: Suspect #2 is looking pretty swarthy to me.
Matt: They’re white.
Jay: I dunno dude. That’s a big Arab nose.
Matt: Maybe, or possibly … Well, you know WHO ELSE has big noses.
Jay: Jews? MOSSAD?????
Matt: Wouldn’t that be a game changer!
Jay: Damn, yes it would.
Matt: Other people have big noses too though.
Jay: Lebanese do. Danny Thomas, Jamie Farr
Matt: Jamie Farr! Has anyone checked on him? Hmmm ….
Jay: I think we’ve about got this solved.
Matt: Well, hold on. I just thought of something. Italians
Jay: Oh dayum! A mob hit?
Matt: Boston Mayor Tomas MENINO??? Huh??? Huh??
Jay: Holy shit dude! …. Mind. Officially. Blown.

Friday Morning: CNN: We’re here once again with Matt-Man and Jayman of IWS Radio. One of the bombers, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, is dead and the other, his brother Dzhokar A. Tsarnaev, is on the loose. What do you guys make of this?

Matt: They’re white. I called that one!
Jay: Uhhh .. White MUSLIMS! Boom!
Matt: But, still white.
Jay: Swarthy white!
Matt: I’ll give you that one.
Jay: What have they been doing since Monday though?
Matt: Flew to Texas to blow up a fertilizer plant?
Jay: I like it!
Matt: Clever move by them. Quite the distraction.

CNN: Guys, speaking of distraction, I’m going to bring in Schmoop now to talk about another possibility.

Schmoop: This is all obviously a FALSE FLAG! The government did this to prey on American’s fears and use our natural instinct to come together in times of crisis and increase Obama’s poll numbers giving him the opening he needs to come after our guns.

Matt: *rolls eyes* You’re obviously a nutcase.
Jay: *head nod* How YOU doin’ huh babe?
Matt: PUH-LEEZE … What an amateur!
Jay: IKNOWRITE? I mean, I can see Muslims trying to help Obama’s popularity.
Matt: Now THAT makes sense!
Jay: Muslim Brotherhood agrees to launch LIMITED attack.
Matt: Kill just enough people to get everyone’s attention.
Jay: The cop was just an opportunity kill.
Matt: Obvs. Anyway, Obama goes tough guy. 
Jay: Muslims take the heat. Again.
Matt: Obama consolidates power.
Jay: Quietly uses new power to start implementing Sharia Law.
Matt: HOLY SHIT! We really have figured it out!  
Jay: This is some scary shit here.
Matt: Hell yes it is.
Jay: Damn, this TV thing is going great!
Matt: We’re naturals.

CNN: Okay guys, thanks for your very unique insight. What do you guys have coming up this Sunday?

Matt: The NFL draft is next we’re gonna draft stuff we like.
Jay: Yeah, Monarchs, Writers, Poets, Favorite Ethnic People
Matt: Sportscasters, Flowers, Beer
Jay: Yeah, we will DRAFT BEER … Heh .. Get it?
Matt: Hey-OOOOOOO
Jay: And other stuff.
Matt: Paul Piatt, IWS Products, Bobby Kraft
Jay: And so much more!
Matt: Totally!

So, join us at 12 Noon ET on Sunday for our “What’s On Tap” episode of I’m With Stupid!

Matt Said, Jay Said: 904.33

Matt mutters, Jay mumbles, You struggle to hear what was said ....

Matt: You’re phone bill is going to be enormous!
Jay: Parts of me already are.
Matt: Ewwwwwwww!
Jay: Don’t pretend that you’re not excited.
Matt: That’s what bothers me.
Jay: Stop fighting it and just accept it.
Matt: I will eventually, but I have to do these things at my own pace.

Matt: Where have you been tonight?
Jay: On Twitter.
Matt: Doing what?
Jay: Conversing with someone.
Matt: Oh really? Do I know him/her?
Jay: Oh yeah! Ms. Edita!
Matt: That’s hot!
Jay: Damn right. She listened to our Wed show and Tweeted it!
Matt: I think I’m in love.
Jay: Totally. I’m trying to get her to call in sometime.
Matt: Did she say she would?
Jay: She said she might “surprise” us.
Matt: I love surprises.
Jay: Maybe we’ll do a fashion show and feature her.
Matt: That’s a brilliant idea.

Jay: Who’s gonna win on Tuesday?
Matt: Well, I saw 973 pundits on TV today and they couldn’t agree.
Jay: Morons
Matt: I can’t believe how low the bar is to get a gig as a “pundit.”
Jay: We should make fun of them on the show.
Matt: We can do it!
Jay: And make our own predictions.
Matt: About the election and what will happen afterwards.
Jay: And things we would do if we were president.
Matt: And we just have to make fun of Dick Morris.
Jay: What a tool!
Matt: He’s a fucking moron.
Jay: Maybe we’ll come up with other great predictions he has made over the years.
Matt: Perfect.
Jay: And people can call with their predictions.
Matt: Phone lines are always open!
Jay: Just like our hearts!
Matt: And minds!
Jay: And legs!
Matt: Exac … what?
Jay: Sorry, I got carried away.
Matt: You need to learn some self-control.
Jay: I’ll work on it.
Matt: That’s all I can ask.

Okay kids, there’s another behind the scenes look at the making of the NUMBER ONE comedy show on Blog Talk Radio! Be sure to join us for “Pundits and Pinheads” on Sunday at 12 Noon ET (and don’t forget to fall back an hour). It’s gonna be another classic!

And, while you’re waiting for that show, check out Wednesday’s fun and games when we talked about Halloween, Hurricane Sandy and took a call from our favorite Canadian babe Jamie! It was a good time.

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