Weddings Don't Have to Be So Stressful

You know? There’s just no reason weddings should be so stressful. That was the basic theme of this week’s Wedding Season Extravaganza on IWS Radio. Matt-Man and Jayman dispensed all kinds of great advice for people planning a wedding along with some other stuff they needed to discuss …

BTR was in rare form this weekend with tech problems galore, but Matt and Jay improvised, adapted and overcame.

Matt-Man has been singing the new cash register blues down at the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rds in Bagwine, Ohio).

Jayman had a rare deodorant emergency this week.

IWS Radio is HUGE in the Philippines and Filipinos are delicious.

Matt and Jay were both mostly impressed with American Pharoah’s Triple Crown win.

Food is a big deal at wedding receptions, but can you ever go wrong with pizza, chicken nuggets, jo-jo’s and brats? No, you can’t!

You need entertainment and for that you should turn to DJ Cheezy-B!

You need music at your wedding too. Be sure to avoid the bad love songs though.

Robert the Taylor brought everyone to tears with a beautiful love story.

Guy Ahnurdyck’s sister Flipper got married and Guy was there. Maybe.

Rev Moneymaker presided over Flipper Ahnurdyck-Twoinfro’s wedding. Maybe.

George is getting married!

Five Star Facebook Comment of the Week!

Sarcastic Sam is bitter and thinks marriage is a trap

Robert the Taylor made yet another appearance with a beautiful love song he wrote and performed.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadn so much more …. 

                             

IWS Is Always Thinking About The Children

Hey there! Mr. Garrison from “South Park” and “Gilmore Girls” hottie “Rory Gilmore” here to help Matt and Jay celebrate the kids! Just take a look at what they’ve got brewing for this week’s show…

"Join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang as they celebrate the end of the school year and offer fun and educational ways for your children to spend their summertime of freedom outside of the house and away from the wet nurse of their iPhones, their iPads, and what-have-yuz.  Jay and Matt are all about the children and want to let them know how to have fun in the summer sun.

The 2015 Atlantic Hurricane season kicks off this week as well, so they'll throw out plenty of preparation tips that may or may not save your life.  And as always, Jay and Matt will discuss the latest headlines from around the world with a cynical and satirical eye, and take your calls at 661.244.9852."

So gather your kids around the internet radio as IWS Radio presents, The Teacher Let The Monkeys Out at 12 Noon ET! 

A Smartass Looks At Fifty

Cheers and greetings to you all on this Thursday edition of the IWS Radio website.

Today is a special day, well not really a special day, but a day that will pre-emptively note a landmark event that will take place on Saturday.

I turn 50 years old on Saturday, and let me tell ya…over the past half-century, I have learned some valuable lessons, so let’s get to them in order for generations to read and learn.

YOU are not the best at what you do. Oh sure, I write pretty well, but I know that in the world there are more than a handful of better writers than I…or is that me?

Seriously folks, no matter what you do, somebody can do it better, so just forget about the others, and work on improving yourself.

No…no…not all babies are cute. Including yours.  Just like mine, he came out of the womb blue.  Babies may grow up to be cute, but most babies are born post-partum ugly.

When in a relationship, never be afraid to say what is on your mind.  In my marriage, I was afraid to do that. I was the peacemaker. When things are bad, don’t hold your tongue. I held my tongue for many years and all it left me with was bitterness and a case of thrush.

Do not, and I repeat…Do NOT EVER…eat Vienna Sausages.

It is claimed that Facebook, Twitter, and social media are filled with drama. Not true…PEOPLE are filled with drama, so choose your social media friends carefully, and if one appears to be filled with drama, needle the hell out of him or her without regret, because it is fucking fun.

Miracle Whip is a salad dressing and it sucks.  Hellman’s Mayonnaise is the way to go.

If someone who is close to you tells you to shut the fuck up because you are being an idiot? They are probably one of the closest friends you have.

If your children don’t love you…Quit making drunken calls to them on Sundays to berate them...move on with your life, and instead, marry some hot chick from a major grocery store deli.

Never ask a hot chick from a major grocery store deli to marry you.

Never cook liver in a crockpot.

Most of all, remember this…

It’s fine to have hundreds of friends on Facebook, and thousands of followers on Twitter, but more importantly, it is imperative that we all have a handful of close friends.

After 50 years, I am glad to say that I still have a few close friends, and really?  That’s all that matters, because whether I have two years left or twenty years left, my small circle of close friends will be there for me, and I for them.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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A Message to Recent Graduates

Holaaaaaaaa! I thought maybe I should take some time out of my busy schedule and give some advice to the recent graduates.  And, since I'm no P. Diddy and I wasn't given an honorary doctorate or invited to speak at any graduation ceremonies, I guess I will have to do it here.

To the high school graduates...

- Most of you have now turned 18. Except for the football players who were held back when they were six so they could win a Pee-Wee Football Championship, who are now 19.  This means that you can now buy cigarettes and porn.  Congratulations!  That's pretty much the only significant thing you have going on right now.

- Well except for you 18 year old boys with 17 year old girlfriends.  You can now be prosecuted for SEX CRIMES and be branded a Sexual Offender for the rest of your life by a holier-than-thou District Attorney and local judge.  Both of whom are too busy running for higher office to be concerned with the fair and equal administration of justice.  So, good luck with that.

- Most you will be going on to college next year.  Of those who do, only about half will graduate.

- Those that don't go on to college will be competing for the same few jobs that are available against both the college drop outs and recent graduates.  Hope that works out okay for ya.

- And for the girls who have already had a kid?  Umm .. I dunno.  I guess you can start a Mommy Blog and pretend that you invented motherhood and act as if no other kid has ever done all the cute little things that your kid does every day. 

Ok so here's my real advice to you recent high school and/or college grads…


- Don't pass up opportunities because you think they'll always be there. They won't.

- Do NOT feel pressured to conform to societal "norms."  You don't HAVE to go to college.  You don't HAVE to get married by a certain age.  You don't HAVE to have kids.  You don't HAVE to live your life according to other people's expectations and wants. And NEVER do something like having kids to make others happy.

- Start your retirement planning the minute you join the workforce. Start an IRA or 401K as soon as possible and NEVER let up on it.

- Live below your means.   Don't buy the maximum amount of house that you can afford. Go a little lower than that and save the rest.  Same goes for "toys" like cars, boats and "stuff."

- Be humble.  It's amazing how far showing manners and respect towards others will get you in life.

- Seek diversity in your life.  Seek out people from different backgrounds and different cultures.

- "Think Globally, Act Locally."  Okay, it's a cliché, but it's true.  That $10 you gave to the relief effort in Haiti was nice and it made you feel good.  But, spending a few weekends a year helping to build Habitat for Humanity homes in your town will have 10 times the impact that your $10 to Haiti did.  In your local area there are food pantries, homeless shelters, abused women & children shelters, youth centers, senior centers and many other places and organizations that need your help.

- Be kind to animals, children and elderly people.

- Read and travel.  They both expand the mind and expose you to new ideas, people and places.

- Don't follow one political party or ideology 100% of the time.  Political parties exist to get people elected. They don’t give a shit about the people they supposedly serve.

- Don't be afraid of change and advancements in technology.  Instead use them to expand opportunities for both work and fun.

- Don’t be judgmental of others.  Everyone is just trying to get through life and live their lives to the fullest.  So maybe some people don’t live their life the way you do.  Not your problem.  Live and let live people.

- Take care of the environment.  Don’t throw trash on the side of the road or in the waterways and crap like that.

- Enjoy life.  Take advantage of all the fun it has to offer.  Watch great movies.  Attend great sporting events.  Take in scenic views.  Sit back and laugh with friends and family rather than rushing through and missing out on the fun stuff.  

Okay, so that’s my brilliant advice.  Follow it.  Don’t follow it.  Whatever.  It’s your life after all.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Women Deserve a Real Man!

Hola y'all! I was going to do a post today about how men should treat women, but I decided that the internet could articulate it so much better than me. So ....

And, most importantly ...

I suggest all you men out there take this advice to heart!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Let's Make 2014 the Year of the Quitter!

Holaaaaaaaaaa! Yesterday Matt-Man posted his 2014 BucketList. I was going to do the same today, but decided to do something a bit different. Instead of making resolutions about the things I’m going to do, I’m going to invite everyone to join me in doing something: LET’S QUIT!

That’s right kids, I’m encouraging myself and everyone else to be a quitter…

- Let’s all quit bitching and whining about every little thing.

- Let’s all quit being all OUTRAGED at shit that has no effect on our lives.

- Let’s all quit deciding if something is “good” or “bad” based on our political world view.

- Let’s all quit being negative about EVERY GODDAM LITTLE BITTY THING.

- Let’s quit getting pissed off when someone is getting something we don’t think they DESERVE.

- Let’s quit pushing our religious beliefs on others.

- Let’s quit being intolerant of people of faith.

- Let’s quit being racist, bigoted, homophobic assholes.

- Let’s quit telling other people how to live their lives.

- Let’s quit feeding the trolls.

- Let’s quit being so politically correct all the time.

- Let’s quit holding others to standards we don’t hold ourselves to.

- Let’s quit accepting the dumbing down of America.

- Let’s quit giving people a pass for being shitty to others.

- Let’s quit ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT THE CHEEEELDRIN!

- Let’s quit paying so much attention to the carnival barkers who host cable TV “news” shows.

- Let’s quit getting all butt-hurt when someone doesn’t like the band, movie, TV show or sports team we like.

- Let’s quit being so damn judgmental.

- Let’s quit being angry when good things happen to other people.

- Let’s quit bashing success.

- Let’s quit being so selfish.

- Let’s quit being haters.

- Let’s quit being so damn impatient.

- Let's quit being so miserable all the time.

- Let’s quit settling for less than we deserve.

Let’s just fucking quit! Happy New Year everyone!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

2014: New Year, New Attitude! (Kinda)

Hola bitches! It’s almost 2014 and websites are out there giving everyone great advice on how to make this next year your best year EVAH! Here are some suggestions from a site called MindBodyGreen with my response in italics …

1. Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong. … Okay

2. Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do. … This one is aimed at Pee Wee Herman and Fred Willard.

3. Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself. … What about the known unknowns? Or the unknown knowns?

4. Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted. … We’ll see.

5. Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want. … What do you have against praying? Freaking atheist.

6. Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it. … LOL! Like that’s gonna happen.

7. Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are. … Oh now the whole damn world needs me? I can’t handle that level of stress!

8. Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart. … I recently dreamed that I clobbered Vladimir Putin with my mother’s walking cane.  

9. Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter. … I’m nobody’s “go-to person” and it hurts.

10. Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you. … But, they ARE!

11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life. … IT’S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY BITCHES!

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story. … Hey now! I’m no cheater!

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go. … I want to go to the strip club.

14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong. … Fuck them!

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough. … This blog post is the very best I could do and it’s okay!

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way. … I don’t know how to make it happen, but I can make it rain at the strip club!

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance. … But, I don't have any money woes because I don't have any money!!   

18. Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others. … Oh sure, become a selfish bastard!

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding. … You say “uniqueness” others say “creepiness.”

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you! … But self-hate is what gets me out of bed in the mornings and is what drives me to be …. Well, ME!

Yeah, I’ll get right on that guys.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

How to Be a Famous Mommy Blogger

Hola all you folks hanging around the slowly dying Bloggerhood to the bitter end. IWS has a very special treat for y’all today. I’m joined by my very good friend, the super smart, funny, sweet, clever, talented and HAWT Gnetch AKA: Little Miss Sunshine!!! IKR???!!!!  Anyway, we’re here today to give some of you budding Mommy/Daddy Bloggers out there some free advice on making it in the Blogging World.

Gnetch: That’s right Jay and hello to the IWS world! Blogging may be dead but not for mommy blogs. Seems like mommy blogs will stay with us forever, at least until they stop having babies or their babies grow up. Since mommy/daddy blogs are pretty common, I have a few tips on how to be an EXTRAORDINARY mommy/daddy blogger.

Jay: That’s right Gnetch babe! We are freaking EXPERTS on this shit. I mean just look at us, the happy mommy and daddy with our beautiful United Nations looking family which is a HUGE advantage in the mommy blogging world for obvious reasons…

Anyway, here’s some very good advice for you other mommies and daddies out there.

Gnetch: Giving your readers the impression that your baby is extra smart because they learned how to say "dada" at such an early age is pretty common. Readers have higher standards now. They're not impressed with "dada" anymore. Unless "dada" really means "fuck off", then that's extraordinary.

Jay: You’re absolutely right on that. One of the biggest mistakes I see mommy/daddy bloggers make is they brag about some of the most mundane things their little snowflakes do that really aren’t all that special. Kids do cute shit all the time and they pretty much all do the same cute shit. You gotta make sure your kids stands out!

Gnetch: Darn right! What’s important is for mommies and daddies to make readers think your baby is better than theirs. Do not just rely on them developing naturally. Teach them and let your readers think they're just naturally talented.

Jay: What kinds of things should people be teaching their babies?

Gnetch: In their first month, while your baby is still trying to adjust to this strange new world, teach them how to twerk. Oh, don't use the "they're just babies, their bones are still weak" bullshit. It's a tough world out there. Better train them early. Anyway, teach them how to twerk. This may take time, because one-month babies can't stand by themselves yet BUT it will be worth your effort. By the age of 3 months, they'll probably be twerking their way to you to ask for milk.

Jay: That would be a pretty special baby right there!

Gnetch: Oh, there’s more. In their third month, when your baby is strong enough to hold their head steadier (and can twerk), teach them how to pole dance. Install a pole in their crib and let them figure out what to do with it. They'll figure it out. The kid will reach for the pole, learn how to stand while holding on to the pole, and eventually learn how to dance. You’ll be surprised.

Jay: This when mom and dad need to get the video recorder out and make their kid a star right?

Gnetch: Dude, you are so right. Make sure you document these talents on a video and post it on your blog. OHMYGOD, your baby has natural talent. Of course no one should know that you're the one who taught your baby. Our aim here is to make your baby sound special and be on Ellen before the age of 1.

Jay: Special but not “SPECIAL” right?

Gnetch: Ha! Right, we’re not talking hockey helmet special here. We’re talking Miley Cyrus special talent here. Most importantly though, to stand out as a mommy/daddy blogger, you have to make sure your baby reaches fame and popularity. Add a few drops of alcohol in their milk and have them snort a pinch of coke. You're gonna get hate for this, that's for sure. But what matters is that you and your baby are famous. Bad publicity is still publicity, right?

Jay: Hell yeah! Rehab at the age 12? That’s gonna get your kid talked about on social media a lot and that’s where fame starts. From there make sure the kid relapses so they can go on Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab and then what happens?

Gnetch: Your kids go on Oprah and then they get their very own reality show! And THAT’S how you measure success as a parent!

Jay: Damn right babe! Thanks for sharing all your brilliant insight with us here today.

Gnetch: No, thank you! Anytime dude.

Jayman3768@gmail.com                   
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Help With Facebook Comments

Hola y’all! You know, social media can be pretty complicated, especially Facebook. Some people post so often and such a variety of stuff that sometimes you just don’t know what to say in the comments. Sure, the vast majority of the time all you need to do is “like” someone’s status update, but sometimes it’s necessary to actually say something.

So, I’ve decided to make a list of comments that you can just copy and paste as needed. This way you don’t have to stop and think of something to say and can keep on scrolling and sending out game requests…

- FAKE!

- Oh BullSHIT!

- Eww

- Well if it’s on the internet, it MUST be true.

- How YOU doin’ huh baby?

- LOL!

- My deepest condolences to you and your family.

- Outstanding! You really nailed the contrast on that one.

- People! They’re the worst!

- What a cute kid!

- You're a hot mess! 

- Congrats!

- WTF is wrong with him/her? (Editor’s Note: You’ll almost ALWAYS use “him” in this reply.)

- Oh that’s a bummer!

- That looks delicious!

- Woo-Hoo!

- That’s hot.

- Nice legs.

- Way to go!

- Loser

- You know what? Fuck you!

- Passive aggressive post is passive aggressive.

- HA! Well done!

- Nice Ass

- Fuck that.

- I love you.

- It’s always something, isn’t it?

- Do I know you?

Well, there you go. This should cover most situations for ya. You’re welcome.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, on IWS we talked about travelling, road trips, summer fun and more this week! We also checked in with Party Marty up in Put In Bay, Ohio, Billy the Kid down at the Beer Mine, and then a special call from Seal Coat Guy! Totally check out the Ratchet Summer Show!

Listen to internet radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Strip Clubs Rules

Once again, someone out there needs IWS’ help, and once again, we are here for them.

Yo, Viking Dude, first of all I just wanted to let you know that you’re my fucking hero.  I’m serious.  I fucking love IWS Radio and think you and the Matt-Man are the coolest cats around. 

Here’s my situation.  I think I’ve finally worked up the courage to go to a strip club this weekend.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

Thanks,
G-Dawg

G-Dawg,

Thanks for the kind words.  It’s nice to actually get positive feedback every once in a while.  I mean sure all those sexy pics and love letters that women email me are awesome, but sometimes having a stranger take the time to tell me how awesome I am is really nice too.

So, as for your question you’ve come to the right place dude.  Here is the information you need.

- First I recommend that you go during the day until you learn the ropes.  Things are usually more laid back during the day, the crowds are smaller (and less scary) and you can settle in better.

- BE NICE TO THE GIRLS.  I can’t stress this enough.  For the most part the girls are friendly and nice and they take a lot of shit from douche bags.  Don’t be one of them.

- TIP!  Go up to the stage, stand where you’re supposed to stand (learn from watching other people) and tip the girl.  And then … SAY THANK YOU to the girl. 

- Don’t drink too much.  I know from personal experience that people say and do stupid things when they’re drunk.  By not drinking too much you won’t risk doing something that will get you physically removed from the club.

- Don’t start going to the club every single day.  That’s pathetic.  At least don’t go to the SAME club every day.  You don’t want the girls to look up and say “OMG, him AGAIN??”

- Fee free to ask the girls what the “rules” are.  They’ll probably ask you if you’ve been there before and then tell you the rules when you say “no” but if they don’t just ask.  They’ll appreciate your consideration.

- Don’t get all grabby.  Let her do her thing when getting a lap dance.  Also, keep your fucking tongue to yourself you sick fuck.  And don’t try to kiss her either (they all have herpes).  The dancer sets the rules and you just follow her lead.

- Do not. I mean DO NOT bitch about the prices to the girls.  Anytime you complain about the price of a lap dance you are basically telling the girl she isn’t worth it.  That’s rude.  Besides, complaining about the prices also tells the girls that you’re a cheap bastard.

- TIP!  This one bears repeating. The girls are working hard. They’re trying to make sure you have a great experience and their time is worth paying for.  

- Maker her laugh.  Dancers put up with the absolute worst of society. Every single kind of asshole and rude, arrogant fuck come into their clubs every single day.  Instead of being one of those guys, be the one who made her laugh and feel good.  Compliment her and be casual and comfortable around her and just be a gentleman in general.

Okay, so the last thing you probably want to ask, or maybe the ONLY thing, is whether or not it’s okay to ask for “extras” in the VIP room or even ask her on a date.  Well, that’s an easy one. The answer is an emphatic NO. There isno sex in the Champagne Room.

And one more time … TIP THE DANCERS … This is their job. They’re there to make a living and pay their bills.  You are the customer and you are getting something from them of value (there time and the chance to see their boobies up close).  Expect to pay for it and be willing to do so.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Jayman's Relationship Advice

Hola y'all! From time to time people ask me for advice. And, being the world famous internet radio star, I know that I should be there for them. Today someone emailed me about a very serious dilemma and I felt like I should answer him publicly because it might help many more people out there.

Anon asked:

So, there’s this chick that I really REALLY like.  She’s super cute and I think we would make a great couple together.  Problem is, I can’t seem to figure out how to get her attention and get her to notice me.  Got any ideas?

You’re in luck.  I’ve been in this same situation and I know just what to do.  First thing you do is google this chick.  See how much you can find out about her.  If you’re lucky you’ll find her phone number and maybe even home address.  Also, she might have an old Myspace page that she just left sitting there when she moved over to Facebook.  This is always a great place to learn more about your new victim love.

On that Myspace page you will probably find pictures of her. Maybe even some of her in a bikini.  Save those so you can make your shrine to her.  Also, you will find out who her friends are and what kind of music she loves and shit like that.

Then start learning the places she likes to hang out at.  Like coffee houses, bars, restaurants and if she likes to go for walks at the local park or whatever.  After you do this, start scouting those places out at different times of the day and find out when she’s there.

Don’t go in immediately.  Just sit back and watch.  It helps to wear a disguise and park in an inconspicuous location while doing your research.   Gather all the info you can.  Take pictures, make notes and be thorough.

Now that you have all this down, formulate your plan.  Start showing up at her favorite places and bumping into her.  Be like “HEY! Didn’t I just see you at Starbucks earlier today?” And she’ll be like “Oh yeah! I saw you there!”

You know why? Cause she noticed that you were wearing a t-shirt of her favorite band and ordering the exact same thing she was about to order.  THIS is where your research is paying off.  And, now? Now you’re at the park, staying shape like she likes to do and you’re walking your pet bulldog that you just got at the local animal shelter after reading her blog about how she still missed her pet bulldog “Brutus” that died when she was 12 on her old Myspace page that she forgot she had. 

This is important.  Don’t use her current Facebook page, blog or Twitter for research.  It needs to be on that old page she forgot about.  That way it won’t seem weird or creepy. Women don’t notice things like this and won’t put all the pieces together until it’s much too late you guys are already in love

So, now you can ask her for her phone number and you’re in!  Just start calling her like every half hour asking her out and telling her how much you love her and how you can’t live without her.  Tell her how you saw her at her favorite bar the other night with her friends and how her ass was looking delicious in that short dress.  And then ask her about that guy she was grinding on while dancing.  Be forceful wanting to know who he is and stuff.

Then, tell her about how you were driving by her house every hour or so all night long and noticed that she seems to go to bed around midnight cause that’s when the lights go out.  And you saw that she leaves the house at around 7:30 in the morning.  But that you noticed that she didn’t get home until around 5 am the night you saw her at the bar and ask just what she was doing all night.

Finally, tell her about how you fantasize about her while you’re masturbating every single night.  Be graphic.  Don’t leave any details out.  Chicks really love that. 

Hope this helps.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

A Few Life's Lessons

Hola bitches! Over my forty-four years on this Earth, I have accumulated a decent amount of knowledge about life. I feel that since I am now a wise and distinguished older gentleman this would be a good time to dispense some advice to the good people all over the world who read this blog. I do this not for money (unfortunately) or for adulation (cause I don’t get any), but to help out mankind. Because that’s just the great kind of guy I am.

The first bit of advice is a little gem I dropped on my good friend, the lovely and talented Little Miss Sunshine who the rest of the world knows as Gnetch, the other night on Twitter:  “When searching for a place to live, make sure it’s near a 24 hour market that has a bakery and carries alcohol, a good dive bar and burger and pizza joints that are open late.” I think we can all agree that those are the most basic staples in life. Well, unless you want to add strip clubs to the list.

Anyway here are a few other things I’ve learned along the way:

- Flexibility is almost never overrated.

- While you shouldn’t go out of your way to offend someone, don’t censor yourself because you’re afraid of offending someone either.

- You can launch any vile, hateful personal attack on a skinny person you want to and almost never be called on it.

- Asian chicks rule!

- Latinas are pretty freaking awesome too.

- If you disagree with someone over anything, no matter how minor, it’s okay to just call them Nazis.

- Ignorance of history is totally acceptable these days.

- Our society has an endless appetite for zombie and vampire books, movies and TV shows.

- Once you turn 40 life is just an endless series of strange new pains and ailments that come and go with no rhyme or reason.

- Simply ReTweeting, ReBlogging and Sharing information about a “cause” on Facebook in now considered being involved in it.

- The Fake Outrage Machine can be turned up to 11 over anything no matter how insignificant.

- Yet, it takes hundreds of thousands of people pounding away on the media and govt to get them to finally investigate a vigilante gunning down an unarmed teenager in Florida who was just walking home.

- Mormons make great neighbors because, much like the Mafia, they don’t do any “business” in their own neighborhoods.

- People take it very personally if I don’t like their favorite singer, group, movie, tv show, book etc.

- People can’t quite grasp the concept of Homer Simpsons’ greatest piece of philosophy ever: “Just because I don’t care, doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

- Adding a little extra pepperoni and cheese to a frozen pizza makes it dramatically better.

- Preheating the oven is still bullshit.

So there you go kids. A few basic pearls of wisdom that you might not have known, but probably should.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

And in other news, here’s our “Molotov Mocktails” segment from last week’s Dixieland Delight episode of I’m With Stupid. If you aren’t listening to IWS each Wed at 11 am ET or Sunday at Noon ET or anytime in the archives, then you’re totally missing out. And causing us heartache. I know you don’t mean to, but well, it’s the truth. We miss you when you’re not there.

Anyhoodle, here’s the 4.5 minute segment that I edited up just for you guys. And I’ll even give you a DIRECT LINK to the video. Damn, I thoughtful!

Mr. Advice Giver

Hola Bitches! You know, one of the burdens/benefits of being a world famous internet radio host is that people often times write me for advice. Now, I try not to get too involved in the lives of the little people, but I am a man full of deep thought and wisdom, and I guess that really shines through here and on the show. Every once in a while I feel that I should help a few people out and hopefully others who have the same problems will get some help too. So here are a few emails I have received recently from people in need of good advice…

“Hey Jay, this might seem like I’m overanalyzing things, but I need your advice on something. There’s this chick I met on the internet who I’m kind of smitten with and I’ve been trying work slow so as to not mess things up. I haven’t been getting much feedback and I’ve been worried it’s because she didn’t like me.

Then I sent her a “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” email and tried to make it pretty clear that I wish I was spending the holidays with her without saying anything too corny, you know? Anyway, she emails me back thanking me and then says “I hope you get everything you deserve in the New Year.”

At first I thought this was really nice, but now I’m wondering what she meant by “deserve.” I mean, if she doesn’t like me and thinks I’m a creep, she might think I deserve to have my ass kicked by some gang members or something. What do you think? Was her holiday wish good or bad?”

- Worried Willy in Wilmington

Dear Willy, I’m afraid you’re fucked. More than likely she thinks you’re a weasely stalker type who is too much of a pussy to just come out tell her how you feel. She figures she would be able to walk all over you and women hate that. Best thing to do is to send her an email telling her that you’re sick and tired of the way she treats you like shit and you can do so much better than ghetto trash like her. She’ll rent a car or get a plane ticket to come visit you and beg you to be her man.

“Hola Jayman! I have a major decision to make and you’re the only one who can help me out. I’m a high school senior and I have to decide between the Air Force Academy and West Point. Which one should I go with?”

- Patriotic Paul in Peoria

Dear Paul, more like “Pretentious Paul” amirite? That email was the most pathetic HumbleBrag email ever. But, in the outside chance that you aren’t just trying to remind me of my past and present academic and professional failures, I would say go with the Air Force. The army might send you to some pretty unsavory locations while you could get stationed somewhere really mysterious and exotic in the air force like Minot, ND.

“Jayman! I need your help sooooooooo bad! I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and we finally started having sex. But, there’s a problem. He’s really HUGE. I mean freaking HUNG dude. And, it just isn’t comfortable for me. I don’t know what to do? Will it get better?”

- Sore Sherry in Sheridan

Dear Sherry. Leave him now before you become more attached to him. It won’t get any better at all. His best option is to just admit that he’s gay and come on out of the closet. I know this is shocking, but we all know that all men who are really well endowed are gay. It’s a proven fact.

So, there you have it folks. As you can see I’m a brilliant advice giver and am great about staying completely impartial and never let my emotions or biases get the better of me. So, if you have any big dilemmas that you’re facing, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me and I’ll do the best I can to help you out.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook: Jayman68
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

How to Create a Wildly Successful Podcast

Hola kids! You know one of the biggest benefits of being a world-famous internet radio and social media star is being asked for advice by strangers all the time. Of course, I’m always willing to share my knowledge and insight into the world of podcasting with anyone who asks.

Which brings me to today’s blog post. I thought I would run down a list of ideas that will help those of you out there who are wondering what the secrets to a really successful podcast with a vast world-wide audience are.

Don’t bother with guests: Nobody wants to listen to fucking experts on any subject. You can do just fine discussing anything from rare medical conditions to high finance to sports to relationships. Just do a few Google searches, write up a few notes and roll with it. Experts usually full of themselves anyway. Also, they bring in new listeners and it could get really uncomfortable with all those strangers out there. 

Don’t worry about audio quality: People claim that they turn off shows where one host is really loud and the other is really quiet or where the audio is breaking up. And they might, but so what? They were there for the beginning of the show and you got credit for the listen, so it’s not really your problem. If they want good audio quality, they can pay to listen to crap on XM Radio.

Include some moments of dead air: Your listeners need a chance to catch up with you. They’re probably aren’t as mentally flexible and might get stuck on something brilliant you said a few minutes ago. So, every once in a while you should just stop and sit there in respectful silence while they catch up to you. They’ll appreciate it. 

Don’t worry about alienating entire demographics: Look, you have to be true to yourself, right? So, if you think it would be hilarious to do a show with some guy faking a really bad Chinese accent, do it. So what if it causes all Asians to turn off your show. How much could it hurt? So what if they make up more than 1/3 of the people on Earth? 

Stick to religion and politics: It’s important to talk about subjects that callers and hosts won’t get angry over. So, religion and politics are perfect. Open up the show by explaining that certain religions and/or political parties are bullshit and the people who practice them are going to hell, and you’ll get flooded with people ready to engage in smart, thoughtful and well-reasoned debate. 

Just ignore your chat room: Just because the show has a chat room, doesn’t mean you HAVE to interact with them. Marie Antoinette had subjects, which are basically the same as listeners, right? And she sure as hell didn’t interact with them, did she? Also, it kind of works the same way as it does with women. The more you ignore them, the more they want you. It’s weird, I know.  

Your show title doesn’t have to match what you talk about: People loved being tricked and fooled. And pulling the old switcheroo on them is a brilliant show idea. Title the show something like “Expert Pet Care” and then actually talk about keeping your genitals clean and ready for action. The listeners might be a little confused at the beginning, but once you hit that first moment of dead air and they get the chance to catch up, they’ll love it.

Okay, there you go folks. If you follow these simple rules, you too can have a wildly successful and critically acclaimed podcast just like “I’m With Stupid.” 

Speaking of “I’m With Stupid” we had our brilliant and oh so clever Show Prep Show this morning. Listen in as we meander from one thing to another until we finally arrive at our destination of a show topic for Saturday.  Along the way we talked about Glen Rice posting Sarah Palin up down low (allegedly) and we MIGHT have mentioned Scarlett Johansson’s nude pics which were leaked to the internet this morning. One of which you can view on the official I’m With Stupid Tumblr Page. It’s NSFW. 

Anyway, check out the show cause it was fun and because we love you.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws