Chris Christie on BridgeGate...Yes I Did It!!

Happy Friday to all of you IWS Radio fans.  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie here to guest write on the
monumental pages of the IWS website.

Seems that Matt-Man watched my entire Sen. Ted “I’m One of the Few Gay Men in Texas” Cruz length press conference that I held yesterday and called me shortly afterward, to berate, belittle, and beseech me to be myself, and tell the truth.

Well, thanks to the, “Come to Jesus” phone conversation we had…yeah, a phone call…I no longer like e-mails, y’know Ha!!…Matt-Man convinced me to come clean, and as he put it in lingo I can understand, said…

“You fucking pussy, Scots-Irish, self-proclaimed Sicilian badass, you…tell the truth and quit being such a fucking Mary.”

He’s right, and today?

I am here to tell you…I did indeed orchestrate this entire bridge closing thing, but not because I’m a bully, which I’m not; nor is it because I am a politician with high aspirations, which I am…

It’s because I am at the very heart, soul, and core of my being, a speculative ironic comedian, and my ironic humor is lost on people.

Hell, this entire humorous bridge closing caper that left Ft. Lee, NJ. an island unto itself, and left a soon to be dead woman…well dead, was thought of because my now unemployed Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Kelly’s name is, BRIDGEt.

Ha…Was that fact lost on you non-ironic picking up motherfuckers?  Holy Cow people, I even have a daughter named BRIDGEt for God Sakes, could we pay attention to my humor, please!?

As for Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich? Don’t you people see the statement I was making with my bridge closing to Ft. Lee?

Mayor Sokolich is of Serb-Croat descent and I was, for a short time, dividing up New Jersey into isolated and autonomous principalities, just like when Yugoslavia broke up.  I was ironically, and whimsically making the ungrateful bastard feel at home. And what do I get?

Heartache and disrespect!!  I swear to God; if Rodney Dangerfield was a Governor, he’d be me.

You know, people give me shit for being anti-gay marriage to an extent.  Do you not see the humor in that? Have you people seen my wife?  She’s a man, Baby!!

Do you think that happens by accident?  Hell NO it doesn’t; I meticulously plan these ironic events and punch lines of life.

I am sooooooo wayyyyyyy fucking ahead of the general population, humor wise!!

Do you think I am fat because I’m just fat because of an uncontrollable urge for delicious, deep-fried food? Hell no…I worked on that as well, you know why?

When some asshole state legislator approaches me and asks…

“Hey Governor Christie, shouldn't you like…um…work a salad into your diet?”

I respond by saying…

“I would, but I have eaten so much of your wife’s pussy that I don‘t have room.”

Ha!!

See?  See?  I am dynamic, ironic, and funnier than fuck, and you guys?

Well…you just don’t get it, and that hurts to some extent, but hey…

I’ll live to joke another day, because, well…that’s what I live for…to make people smile, laugh, and who knows?

Maybe instead of being elected President in 2016, I’ll get a late night comedy show called, Bridge-It With Chris Christie.

I’d like that, now…

Thanks, and go fuck yourselves.  Ha!!  I meant that ironically!!

Gov. Chris Christie

mattman@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

It's President's Day, Hail to the Chef!!

What better way to laud our Presidents than to create an Executive Office restaurant with a full menu of culinary delights in their honor?

So to wit, and heretofore…

Welcome to the best eatery anywhere…Air Force Yum.

Ready for breakfast? How about trying an Abra-Ham and Cheese Omelet? Instead of eating it along with boring slices of toast, try our Mary Todd Lincoln Crazy Bread.

If you phone ahead, you can even reserve the coveted John Wilkes booth.

Eggs not your first choice? Perhaps you are more of a pancake and sausage kind of person, and prefer JFK to Honest Abe. No problem...

Order a plate full of our Bay of Pigs in a Blanket. The cakes are fluffy and the sausage has a hint of Cuban spices. Bueno!!

You can always stop by for lunch as well.

If you like a good hamburger try our Cow-Vin Coolidge Burger. We cook the beef until well done so the meat doesn't make a sound. Silent Cal would have it no other way.

A well made Club Sandwich is increasingly hard to find, but not at our place. We use three layers of the best turkey, ham, roast beef, and the freshest tomato and lettuce in ours.

This is a giant sandwich inspired by a giant in American Politics, Franklin Roosevelt.

Order this, and the only thing your hunger will fear will be the deliciousness of our Cripple-Decker Club.

Maybe you’d like to nosh on a few appetizers. We got ’em. Try our Teddy Roosevelt inspired, Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fried Cheese Stick.

Another popular snack is our William McKinley Buffalo Wings. They are to die for.

Another appetizer was recently added in speculative honor of the man who may be elected President in 2016.  We are now offering deep-fried whale nuggets.  So ahoy and climb aboard, as you delight in our new, Crisp Christie Bites.

We have plenty of dinner entrees from which to choose as well. One popular dish is our Chester A. Arthur Mutton Chops. These mutton chops are big and delicious just like Chester’s…minus the hair.

Not a glutton for mutton?

A rising star on our dinner menu is the other white meat in the form of our uber-juicy James K. Polk Chops.

These chops are butterflied and stuffed with spinach, bleu cheese, and seasoned with copious amounts of obscurity. Who knew that our eleventh President tasted so good!?

We also offer tribute to former White House Wizard, George W. Bush. For a big, Texas-Sized appetite try our Iraq of Lamb. Upon trying this dish, President Bush said, “Dang, these is some good.”

We offer some great Italian fare too. Start off with our Benjaminestrone Harrison soup, followed by a James A. Garfield of Arugula salad, and top your repast off with our award winning Harry Trumanicotti.

Are you more a fan of seafood and Obama? We've got you covered. Try either our Oysters Barackerfeller or our Deep Fried Mishellfish Platter.

Ready for dessert?  Delight in our Andrew Johnson Impeachment Cobbler, Sherbet Hoover, or even our world renown Hasty Tasty Pasty Cakes in honor of our only gay President, James Buchanan.

Well there you have it, a menu fit for a President. And don't forget...

If you like the food here and want to come back again and again, sign up for huge discounts by purchasing our William H. Taft Frequent Diner Card.  And folks…

Celebrate President’s Day by having a cocktail at Air Force Yum, as well.

We mix blue vodka, a splash of sweet Vermouth, a dram of Manischewitz, a shot of ego, and voila…

Mmmmm...I love a good Bill Clintini in the morning. Happy Presidents Day!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
.

Chris Christie for President 2012

Ummmmm settle down, and listen up…Gov. Chris Christie here.

I have a huge announcement to make, and Matt-Man convinced me to use the incredibly wide expanse of the I’m With Stupid media empire from which to make it.

I agreed, because Matt-Man, Jayman, and the staff of I’m With Stupid are not the types to slovenly devour people with cheap shots by throwing out seemingly delicious red meat to the masses. So here I go…

The calls for me to run for the GOP Presidential nomination have swollen to the point where the weight and gravity of the cries for my candidacy, have convinced me to finally step up once again, to the plate.

My friends, I am doing it.  I am putting my skin into the game and will be walking semi-briskly for the office of President of the United States of America.

Look at the menu of candidates from which we Republicans have to choose.  I get a better line-up of choices at the Denny’s in East Brunswick.

Bachmann?  Her intellect is thinner than the, “Great Chefs of Ireland Cookbook.”
 

Herman Cain?  Ha, Godfather’s Pizza genius prefers deep dish pizza.  We’ve had enough of Chicago style politics under Obama; we don’t need Chicago style pizza under Cain.

Boy Toy Rick Perry is a shit-ka-bob.

Romney and Santorum are as exciting as broccoli.  Ron Paul’s mind is like goulash.  Newt Gingrich always leave you hungry for something else, and Jon Huntsman…um…c’mon, he’s a glass of skim milk.

See what I’m saying? The current field of Republican candidates blows more than a Jersey girl.  My party needs me.

My country needs me.

Democrats…Republicans…all politicians in Washington are interested only in reelection, while ignoring the 800 pound gorilla in the living room of our nation…Economy and Jobs.

My friends, I want to be that 800 pound gorilla.  

I want to jump up and down, rattle some cages, turn the White House into 1600 I Don’t Give A Fuck About Your Reelection Avenue, and rebuild the breadbasket of America into a gourmet bakery full of delicious smells of success and cupcakes heavily frosted with prosperity.

Believe me.  I can almost feel your pain, and I want to help you.

I know that you and your families are doing without and pinching every penny.  If elected…

I will make sure I cut out the fat and tighten the belt on the out of control pork fest that is taking place in D.C.

Unlike me, our current leaders and politicians are nothing more than line cutters at The Old Country Buffet, feeding their faces with the fresh Salisbury steak and still steamy mashed potatoes, while you are left with nothing but cold peas and hard toast.

If elected, I will make sure that you will be first in line enjoying hot gravy and beef tips while the career politicians are gnawing on cold broth and gristle.

I want to thank I’m With Stupid for allowing this perfectly seasoned political discourse by me without taking any cheap shots. 

I’ll be having Matt-Man and Jayman over for manicotti soon, and if you’d like to help me out please contact Matt-Man at:

neshobadude@yahoo.com
http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

Gov. Chris Christie