Open Letter to Frank Bonner

Dear Mr. Bonner,

Holaaaaaaaaaa! My name is Jason Adams AKA: Jayman and I, along with my radio and comedy partner Matt Mahoney AKA: Matt-Man would like to invite you to be a guest on our I’m With Stupid podcast.

As a fellow Arkansawyer (or Arkansan, if you prefer) I have been a big fan of yours since you played Herb Tarlek on WKRP in Cincinnati. I can’t tell you how much pride I felt the first time I watched that show as kid and saw that Arkansas Razorbacks coffee mug on Herb’s desk. I remember excitedly telling my mother to check that coffee mug and she too was very proud to see it. I think her words were “Hey! That’s pretty cool.”

Also, I was born in Yellville, Arkansas, which is, as you know, home to the annual Turkey Trot Festival and National Wild Turkey Calling Contest featuring the Ms. Turkey Trot and Ms. Drumsticks competitions. My mother, the JayMom, was actually on the Turkey Trot committee for several years and my grandmother, Nana Creta, was the Grand Marshal of the Turkey Trot parade in 2010.

I tell you all about that because every year up until 2011 they threw live wild turkeys from airplanes over the Turkey Trot Festival. This is something you probably already know and was the inspiration for the greatest episode of any sitcom in the history of television. That would be Season 1, Episode 7 of WKRP in Cincinnati  titled "Turkeys Away" where the Pinedale Shopping Mall was bombed by live turkeys and ended with Arthur Carlson uttering one of the most memorable lines ever:

“As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

While I have continued to follow your career after your WKRP days, through Sidekicks, Just the Ten of Us, Saved by the Bell right up to today as I eagerly await the 2013 release of the feature film Living the Dream, it is your iconic role as Herb Tarlek that I truly love still today. I’m With Stupid internet radio show is broadcast LIVE every Wednesday at 11 am ET and Sunday at 12 Noon ET. The show is recorded and available 24/7 through the show archives. The show is also posted on our official website, Tumblr and Facebook page. It is also heavily promoted on multiple social media platforms.

IWS is currently the NUMBER ONE rated comedy show on Blog Talk Radio and our vast and diverse worldwide audience is growing by the day. We have consistently been in the top five of the comedy ratings for months now and have no intention of slowing down. Mr. Bonner, it would truly be the highlight of my internet radio career if you could find the time in your very busy schedule to come on our show. I know you get requests all the time and I know they can’t all be filled, but it would mean so much to me both as a fan and fellow Arkansawyer (again, Arkansan, if you prefer) if you could be our guest the I’m With Stupid podcast. If neither of our regular program times is good for you, we can do a special episode of IWS to accommodate you. I look forward to hearing from you and will provide the call in number and other details as soon as we are able to confirm your appearance.

Your biggest fan, Jason Adams

 Jayman

Jayman3768@gmail.com

@Jayman_IWS 


Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

 

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Dear Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie,

I hope this letter finds you healthy and in good spirits. I’m sorry I didn’t begin it with my usual fun and festive “HOLA!” but as I’m not feeling particularly fun nor festive at this time, I felt it would be wrong to do so. I would never want to mislead you as to my emotional wellbeing.

The reason for my lack of festive feeling is the news of your sudden nuptials which I read about online the other day. It wasn’t so much that you married that piece of stanky of Euro trash another man, I knew in my head, if not my heart, that would happen someday, but why did I have to find out from a disgusting online celebrity gossip site? I feel like just another guy and not someone who once shared a beautiful romance with you. It was just so hurtful.

Please don’t think that I’m being impolite or trying to ruin your big day, because I’m not. But, as someone who has shared such a close and personal relationship with you since I first saw you in Léon: The Professional Mars Attacks you turned 18, I just feel that I deserved a little more consideration. Remember that rainy day when we just held each other and watched Garden State? That was so beautiful. Or the way you stared longingly into my eyes while giving me a lap dance in Closer? So hot and sooooooooo perfect. What happened to those days?

I mean, let’s not forget I was even willing to convert to Judaism for you. And, no disrespect or anything, but I think I would have made a better Jew than you. Sure, I’ve been a little slow to commit begin the process, but I was nearly there. I have even started learning Hebrew. Again, I realize that so far I haven’t gotten much past saying “Boker Tov” in the mornings and “Shalom” in the evenings, but it’s a start!

I know I should have known it was over when that disgusting French twinkle-toes creep knocked you up, but I guess the heart doesn’t always give up so easily. But, seeing you in your wedding gown looking so happy made it all really hit home. Nat, I just want you to know that I have accepted this and am ready to move on. You can be sure that you won’t have any trouble from me. None at all.

I promise to keep my distance and not use my position as a world famous internet radio star to meddle in what I hope is a long and loving marriage with that Frog. I promise not to speak ill of him or you in any attempt to cause problems in your relationship, even though I’ve heard he has a thing for Mila Kunis. That just wouldn’t be right. Even if Mila is hotter than you.

Okay, that wasn’t nice. I shouldn’t lash out like that just because you ripped my heart out, threw it on the sidewalk and stomped on it. I should be more considerate and not point out what a CRUEL AND HEARTLESS CUNT YOU’VE BEEN TO ME. So, I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll just suffer in silence for a while and then I will somehow climb out of this canyon of despair and emerge on the other side a stronger and happier man.

So, I say to you in all sincerity that I HOPE YOU GET FAT AND LOOK LIKE GOLDA MEIR BY THE TIME YOU’RE 35 you and Jacques or Marcel or Pierre or Thierry or whatever the fuck that asshole’s name is Benjamin have a beautiful, loving and emotionally fulfilling marriage that lasts a couple of weeks for the rest of your lives. I only want to be vindicated in my belief that you’re making a huge mistake you to be happy Natalie. That's all I have ever wanted.


Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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Welcome Home Amanda Knox

Hola Bitches! American’s Sweetheart, Amanda Knox, is a free woman! Hell to the YES! And, to celebrate I thought it would be appropriate for IWS to welcome this sweet and INNOCENT young lady home to the good old U. S. of A…

Buongiorno! Amanda!! It’s so great to see you again. Congrats on beating the rap over there in Italy. I mean, being proven innocent.  That was quite an accomplishment. Normally the only people to do that are Mafia dudes. And since you’re not actually Italian, which means you can’t be in the Mafia, then that pretty much guarantees you really are innocent of the charges against you.

Not that I ever doubted it for a second. The very first time I saw you on the TV and looked into your loving and caring eyes deep into your soul I said to myself “SELF! That hot, sexy girl is innocent!” And I was right! I love being right. Don’t you?

Anyhoodle, now that you’ve been released from the Grande Casa, I thought I could help you assimilate back into society here in the states.  I was thinking you could come over this weekend and we’ll talk.  Maybe I’ll make you a big plate of spaghetti? And we can watch a Soproanos marathon on HBO Go? Ha! Just kidding. I bet you’ve had all the Italian you can stand for a while. Not to worry. I’m a good, decent Irish-American who you can trust. I’ll make you a big bacon cheeseburger and serve up some Dos Equis beer and we’ll watch The Wire. Oh yeah, that might be a bad idea too. I know! Boardwalk Empire … no.  We’ll watch Disney movies!! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Oh, I have to ask. Did you have sex with Silvio Burlusconi to get out of jail? I’m sorry, and I know that’s a rude question, but if you didn’t, and I totally believe you didn’t, you’re the only really hot chick he hasn’t banged. Although, you are probably right, you are a bit old for him.

Okay, so there are a few things you should know about immediately. First, yes, we really do have a black president. Crazy huh? But, that’s not what is most important. The most important thing for you to know is that going around in public wearing bikini tops and cut-offs is totally in. Even in Seattle where I know it’s rainy and cold most of the time. Also, high heels with those cut-offs.

No, this isn’t just something I’m a big fan of or fetishize, this is important fashion advice. I don’t want you to be criticized by Joan Rivers as some fashion disaster your first week back. Yes, Joan is still alive, hard as it is to believe.

I know you’ll be tempted to cash in on your fame by doing photo shoots for Maxim and other “men’s” magazines. And this is a great idea! But, first you should do some interviews so people will know what a smart and thoughtful person you are. No, Oprah retired. Sorry. So did Larry King. Larry was replaced by Peirs Morgan who is a prick. So, that’s not gonna be much help. But, I have an idea!

You could appear on I’m With Stupid internet radio show! You’ll be given the whole 45 minutes to tell your story. We have a vast and diverse world-wide audience who I’m sure would love to hear from you and would be very respectful towards you. Think about it! It’s a great opportunity.

Amanda, we have so much to talk about. So just come on over and I’ll help you deal with the media and all the expectations of the people. As a world famous internet radio host, I have a lot of experience in this field. I’ll bring you into the warm embrace of the IWS family. You’ll be safe from here.

Go ahead and ask around Amanda, we here at IWS are very loyal to our friends and will fight with everything we have to protect and defend you. And best of all, we do it out of love and friendship and expect nothing in return. Except for that one unfortunate incident with Summy George. But, that was an aberration. Not anything to worry about.

Again, welcome home Amanda! We’re your friends and are so glad you’re home.

P.S. Did you know that Hayden Panettiere played you in the made for Lifetime Network movie? How do you feel about that? We might need to invite her over sometime too.

Be sure to check out the I'm With Stupid podcast for EVEN MORE hilarity!

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Grazie! Jayman jayman3768@gmail.com www.twitter.com/jayman_iws Amanda Knox Defense Fund

Some Open Letters From IWS

A few open letters to some folks who might have been unintentionally offended or upset by some of the things said on the I’m With Stupid podcast, or here on the blog.

Mr. CW McCall,

We here at IWS would like to apologize for the unacceptable and horrendous mangling of the lyrics of “Convoy” by Jayman on the IWS podcast. How can anyone screw up the words to one of the greatest songs of all time? It’s a mystery to us too.

Thinking he was on a roll, and instead of writing out the lyrics in his show notes, Jayman thought he could just wing it. Sometimes he bites off a little more than he can chew. This was probably the most embarrassing moment of his otherwise stellar internet radio career.

Ms. Stacey Dash,

On Sunday, you were named IWS’ Babe of the Week. While we know that this was a tremendous honor for you and you were very flattered, we also know that you were bothered a little bit by it. We understand you were a bit upset by Matt-Man’s apparent focus on your impressive physical assets and ignoring your professional accomplishments.

Well, let us here at IWS assure you Stacey, that Matt-Man, just as everyone else here, is a man of substance. He never meant to appear to be slighting the outstanding acting work you have done over your brilliant and distinguished career. We absolutely know and respect the fact that there is much, much more to you than that truly spectacular ass of yours.

Ms. Anna Kournikova,

Please see the letter above note addressed to Stacey Dash. Simply replace her name with yours, and Matt-Man’s with Jayman’s. While you also have a wonderful ass, Jayman mostly focuses on your legs, so make the appropriate changes where necessary for that too. Also, he has a hair fetish so add a third paragraph dealing with that bit of weirdness.

Mr. Daryl Dragon,

As if screwing up “Convoy” wasn’t enough, for the second time in a little over year, the hosts of the wildly popular and well respected, I’m With Stupid internet radio show attempted to have some fun at your expense. Jayman, again feeling like he was on a roll, brought up the time that he had mistakenly thought you were dead. While funny to us, we do acknowledge that this kind of joking around may not be all that funny to man of your age who has undoubtedly lived a pretty fast and hard Rock ‘n Roll lifestyle. So, for that we apologize. Again.   

Mr. Herman Cain,

It has been pointed out to us that we have, with good reason, been treating your campaign for the GOP nomination for president as a bit of a joke. I mean, one could hardly blame us, especially with your latest claim that you would give “Hail to the Chief” a “fresher sound” and a few of the other loony things you’ve proposed.

But, we would like to apologize for our behavior. We know that you, much like Stacey Dash and Anna Kournikova, well, at least like Stacey, are a person of substance and impressive professional accomplishments. This suddenly became obvious the entire staff of IWS Entertainment when you said “our leaders are stupid.” 

Not only is this a very true statement, it’s the most insightful thing any GOP candidate has said all year. For this, we salute you and apologize for failing to take you, and your campaign, seriously.

--

And if you’d like to hear all those crazy antics like attempting to sing “Convoy” or a discussion about Daryl Dragon’s wellbeing and Matt-Man and Jayman taking on the haters out there AND hanging out with Dana_Lu, then you can using this handy-dandy BTR player. And I highly recommend you do so. Especially if you’re a hater. We might change your whole outlook on life. (And yes, the show WAS posted yesterday, but this episode was so nice, we thought we would post it twice.)

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