Monday, September 26, 2011

Herman Cain 2012: Pillsbury Ghedough Boy

Help me lift that old rugged cross.  Shed that precious blood with me.  Come out of the political wilderness and with me, bathe in the amazing grace.

Praise Jesus my friends, and Halleluiah to the Republican voters of  the Sunshine State…

I am Herman Cain, and I won the GOP Florida Straw Poll this past Saturday, Amen my brothers and sisters…Amen.

I have been running for the GOP Presidential nomination for months now, and yet after several debates and Saturday’s huge win some of you may be unfamiliar with me.  

To some of you, I am like one of those old negro spirituals you’ve heard sometime, somewhere, but you don’t know why or where. Allow me, Herman Cain, to introduce myself to you, the deeply intellectual readers of I’m with Stupid.

At my root and core, I am a mixture of Steve Forbes, Chef Boyardee, and Rick James.  In other words…

“Bring on the flat tax, condividere la pizza del successo, ‘cause I’m Herman Cain, Bitch!!”

Many people learned just that about me at last Thursday’s GOP Debate, I was wild and the others were mild.

While, as Brit Hume said, “Perry really threw up all over himself.”, Michele Bachmann talked about the health of potentially cancerous cooters of pre-teen girls, and Ron Paul stared wildly into the camera while adjusting that hair hat some bitch sewed to his misshapen head, I, Herman Cain, was shining…


I was shining like the black light of common sense upon the canvas of the psychedelic 70’s poster that is the Tea Party.  I was rockin’ da hizzy, and electrifying the electorate.

The only ones not excited about my performance were Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman.  Me being a black man with the name, Cain, those two Mormons were looking at me like I was the one who killed Abel.  I don’t know what that means, but Matt-Man thought it would be funny.

Anyways…

Let me say…I am not a politician; I am a problem solver, and all problem solving skills can go back to the making of a pizza.  Fortunately, I used to be CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, so I have the skill set to make America the great 16” deluxe pie it once was.

Obama has spent three years making economic crazy bread, which only proves that Kenyan Muslims don’t know shit about making pizza.  That wouldn’t happen in a Muslim-Free Herman Cain Administration.  

I’d be spreading my sauce, cutting my cheese, loading my meat, and delivering a delicious economy to you in thirty minutes or less.

And the deliciousness of my economy pie all goes back to the dough.  How so, you ask?  Allow me to asplain…

I don’t care how hard one works the dough of the economy.  How diligently one works the dough, coddles the dough, loooooves the dough.  Much like the economy, no matter how much attention one gives the dough, it won’t rise without that one special ingredient.

Yeast.

My friends, I Herman Cain, want to be your Commander-in-Yeast.
I want to infect the economic machine that is America with a yeast infection so widespread and virulent, that nothing and no one can cure it.

America has been going hungry for a long time my friends, and she wants to eat.  It’s time to dial up the Pizza Man.

It’s time to dial up Herman Cain 2012.  Yeast at last, yeast at last…Thank God Almighty, we have yeast at last!!

Your contribution to the Herman Cain 2012 campaign can be sent to:

Matt-Man

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

And while you’re making it out, please listen to Jayman and Matt-Man doing Saturday’s Big Gay Show on Blog Talk Radio…


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10 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

Herman Cain IS pizza. You get a little taste of him, and you start craving more and more. And, he goes great with beer.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: He's a party in a box. Let's celebrate our future by ordering a large Herman Cain with double cheese. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Beth said...

I'm sold. Bring on the deep dish!

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: Speaking of Deep Dish, why don't you warm up your Merry Widow. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

The state of Florida is fucked.
When I heard he won I just shook my head. Casey Anthony is free, W won from hanging chads and now Hains.
I am not going to retire in Florida. In fact think I'm moving to Canada. I need health care...STAT

I'm With Stupid said...

Peg: Don't despair...Florida is not that much of a nut job state. After all, they had the sanity and where with all to elect Gov. Rick Scott who by the way looks and acts like Max Headroom or Jim Carrey from The Mask. It's all good. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

Herman who?

MysteryChick said...

For the love of Mary, where do these nutjobs come from? Is it me or has it become socially acceptable for the certifiably insane and moronic to run for office? Or are those the requirements now?

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: The Godfather of Pizza. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man

I'm With Stupid said...

Chick: The nutty candidates are simply a reflection of who and what the idiots in this country support. Makes perfect sense. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Matt-Man