Dear Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie,

I hope this letter finds you healthy and in good spirits. I’m sorry I didn’t begin it with my usual fun and festive “HOLA!” but as I’m not feeling particularly fun nor festive at this time, I felt it would be wrong to do so. I would never want to mislead you as to my emotional wellbeing.

The reason for my lack of festive feeling is the news of your sudden nuptials which I read about online the other day. It wasn’t so much that you married that piece of stanky of Euro trash another man, I knew in my head, if not my heart, that would happen someday, but why did I have to find out from a disgusting online celebrity gossip site? I feel like just another guy and not someone who once shared a beautiful romance with you. It was just so hurtful.

Please don’t think that I’m being impolite or trying to ruin your big day, because I’m not. But, as someone who has shared such a close and personal relationship with you since I first saw you in Léon: The Professional Mars Attacks you turned 18, I just feel that I deserved a little more consideration. Remember that rainy day when we just held each other and watched Garden State? That was so beautiful. Or the way you stared longingly into my eyes while giving me a lap dance in Closer? So hot and sooooooooo perfect. What happened to those days?

I mean, let’s not forget I was even willing to convert to Judaism for you. And, no disrespect or anything, but I think I would have made a better Jew than you. Sure, I’ve been a little slow to commit begin the process, but I was nearly there. I have even started learning Hebrew. Again, I realize that so far I haven’t gotten much past saying “Boker Tov” in the mornings and “Shalom” in the evenings, but it’s a start!

I know I should have known it was over when that disgusting French twinkle-toes creep knocked you up, but I guess the heart doesn’t always give up so easily. But, seeing you in your wedding gown looking so happy made it all really hit home. Nat, I just want you to know that I have accepted this and am ready to move on. You can be sure that you won’t have any trouble from me. None at all.

I promise to keep my distance and not use my position as a world famous internet radio star to meddle in what I hope is a long and loving marriage with that Frog. I promise not to speak ill of him or you in any attempt to cause problems in your relationship, even though I’ve heard he has a thing for Mila Kunis. That just wouldn’t be right. Even if Mila is hotter than you.

Okay, that wasn’t nice. I shouldn’t lash out like that just because you ripped my heart out, threw it on the sidewalk and stomped on it. I should be more considerate and not point out what a CRUEL AND HEARTLESS CUNT YOU’VE BEEN TO ME. So, I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll just suffer in silence for a while and then I will somehow climb out of this canyon of despair and emerge on the other side a stronger and happier man.

So, I say to you in all sincerity that I HOPE YOU GET FAT AND LOOK LIKE GOLDA MEIR BY THE TIME YOU’RE 35 you and Jacques or Marcel or Pierre or Thierry or whatever the fuck that asshole’s name is Benjamin have a beautiful, loving and emotionally fulfilling marriage that lasts a couple of weeks for the rest of your lives. I only want to be vindicated in my belief that you’re making a huge mistake you to be happy Natalie. That's all I have ever wanted.


Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

The Art of Low Expecations

Hola Bitches! One of the few things in my life that I have actually committed myself to is making sure that I keep expectations of me and others low. I do this because I hate letting people down. Also, I like to keep my life as simple as possible.

There’s actually an art to this. I want to keep expectations low, but I don’t want people to think I’m a total fuck up or anything. A loser is okay. But, being a fuck up is unacceptable. So, there’s a line I have to be careful not to cross.

I started my life of Low Expectations in college. I always liked to miss the first week of each semester. Then I would come strolling in on week two and tell the instructor I had planned on dropping the class but “it didn’t work out.” There wasn’t much they could do about it other than be pissed. But, it did set the tone for the rest of the semester.

When I meet someone for the first time, the first thing they will notice is my “Modern Homeless” fashion style. This is a very strategic move on my part. You’re not shocked by a guy wearing an old, cheap t-shirt and jeans having a lack of social skills. And, I make sure it isn’t too long before I say something inappropriate or offensive. The longer I wait the worse it will be, so sometimes I just get it out of the way immediately.

This plan works when I meet someone online too. An example would be if I’m playing Words With Friends against a chick and she plays a word I can make a sexual joke about. Say she plays the word “oven.” I might message her and say “Oh yeah! I’d like to preheat your oven babe.” Sure, that makes no sense, but that’s part of why it works.

Another example would be right after adding a much younger woman as a friend on Facebook, I might go and “Like” each and every one of her pics of herself on there. I always make sure to do it at around 3 am on a weekend night/morning. This cranks up the creepy factor. Of course, sometimes I run into babes who just refuse to be creeped out no matter what I do. Eventually, I give up and start acting like a normal person when that happens.

A great benefit of this is people rarely ask me for advice, and when they do, they do it only once. I’m careful not to give advice that will result in someone getting emotionally or physically hurt, but I make sure people realize asking me was a bad idea. They usually respond to me by saying “Uh, yeah. Okay, thanks. I’ll think about it and try to figure what I want to do.” When they give me that line, I know it’s no longer my problem and not to worry about it.

And of course, this system works beautifully for most employment situations. It’s important to get off to a good start at a new job, but you don’t want it to be TOO good of a start. If you’re working at a manufacturing job, check out what the quota is and hover around it each day. Never exceed it by a lot. Make sure your average is slightly above, but don’t get them to thinking you can do a lot more. You’ll pay for that dearly. Hell, asking your new boss “What’s the minimum I can do and still get buy?” isn’t really a bad idea. Much like missing the first two weeks of class, it lets the person in charge know where both of you stand.

In addition to keeping other’s expectations of me low, I like to keep my expectations of other people and life in general low. If I have something big planned, I fully expect something to come up and ruin it. I’m genuinely surprised each morning when my car starts because I’ve convinced myself it is about to crap out at any moment. Each day that doesn’t happen, is a happy day. And when I check to see who has unfollowed me on various social networking sites and just as with the car, I’m shocked when no one has.

Again, this works with pretty much anything. If you read my tweets during Arkansas football games, you would think the Hogs were winless on the season instead of being 7-1 and ranked #8 in the BCS. It’s just the best way I’ve found to get through life. Keep expectations low and I’ll never disappoint anyone, or be disappointed by anyone. It works for me.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/jayman_iws