A Long and Difficult Day

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! So I get up this morning and had a few things to do and I had to go get the Jaymom’s birthday cake at Walmart. I get all ready and make myself presentable and shit and head out of the house ready to take on the day! First thing I had to do was turn around and come right back in to get my hoodie because holy crap it was cold!

I get my hoodie and head back out still ready to get things done and get back in time for a very special event that was going to happen today which I will tell you about in a minute. I get in my car and ………….. *clickclickclickclickclick* *brrrrrcoughcoughbrrrrr* *clickclickclickclick*

OHMYGOD! CARMELA!! NOOOOOOOOO!

Suddenly Dr. Leonard McCoy appeared hovering above Carmela and said …..  

I sat there for a minute sad and depressed that the batter in my precious Carmela had died, but I knew it was going to happen eventually. I gathered myself together and commandeered the Jaymom’s car and proceeded to complete my tasks. What else could I do? The world wasn’t going to wait for me.

Since I was already in Walmart to pick up the cake, I ran by the automotive section to check on the price of a new battery. After I fainted and came to, I got the cake and some Pepsi which Walgreen’s has 3-12 Packs for $11 this week which I knew Walmart would match, and they did and took the cake to the Jaymom.

About a half hour after getting back, our special guest arrived. Yup, you guessed it. M.E. came over. Remember her? The old lady who got a new laptop and I had to teach her to use it and it has been a complete cluster fuck? The old lady to just rambles on and on and on about something and gets caught in a loop and just keeps repeating herself for long periods of time? Yup, that one!

Hooooooooo boy, she was on today y’all! I really should take notes when talking to her because it’s impossible to remember all the crazy. The highlight of the day was when we were discussing looking up our family histories. M. E. has decided that she’s part Jewish. She will not even consider the possibility that she isn’t. She’s convinced that she is and that’s why she hates herself so much. When we looked up the name Goheen we found that it’s a Dutch name. This didn’t seem possible to her at all. I pointed out that she grew up in Pennsylvania and this exchange happened:

ME: No, no Dutch there.
Jay: Where? In Pennsylvania?
ME: Yeah. No, there aren’t.
Jay: In Pennsylvania? The state? In America?
ME: Yeah.
Jay: Okay.

Anyway, we looked up some of her family whom she said lived in a little bitty town in Pennsylvania and found them. We found her aunt (I think it was her aunt), her aunt’s brother, mother, father everyone else. She recognized all the names. Suddenly M.E. says “No, that’s not them.”

Apparently she thinks that there are two separate families all with the same first and last names living in a town of just a couple of thousand people in rural Pennsylvania and the OTHER ONES are probably her family.  I’m not making any of this up.

Anyway, I put the new battery in my car and am now drinking heavily.

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P.S. You should totally listen to Aunt Jackie rocking the IWS Radio house covering John Mellencamp's "Hurt so Good!" 

I'm So Going to Heaven

Hola bitches and welcome to the further adventures with my mother’s friend M.E. You remember M.E. from Thanksgiving, right? Well after a year of talking about it M.E. finally decided to get a laptop computer. She hasn’t ever used a computer before in her life. Okay, she did use a computer in a very limited manner back in the early 90’s, but that doesn’t really count.

Oh, and she’s never been on the internet either. Of course, she’s pretty sure she knows all about the net and … it’s the devil. But, she’s ready to take on the devil anyway. She asked me to go with her Walmart to get a laptop and “whatever else I’m going to need.”

Surprisingly enough Walmart wasn’t too difficult. We had a short discussion about whether she needed a desktop or laptop …

M.E: “I’m pretty sure I want a laptop.”
Jay: “They both have their pros and cons.”
M.E: “I think I’ll put it on the desk in the spare bedroom because there’s no TV in there.”
Jay: “So you want a desktop?”
M.E: “No, because I want to use it in the living room and downstairs.”
Jay: “Uh you just said … okay.”

So, we get her an HP laptop, a wireless router, a mouse and she also finds this portable tray that she thinks she’ll put the laptop on. It went smooth, no arguments or strange questions. Then we get back here so I can set her laptop up and show her a few things and get it registered for her. She also called the cable company and they will be out next Thursday to turn on her internet.

I get the thing out of the box and go through the set up process and then I decide to show her the internet. I figured the best place to go to first would be YouTube which leads to this conversation …

Jay: “What is your favorite musical act?”
M.E: “Oh I don’t know.”
Jay: “Do you like Dean Martin?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Sinatra?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Tony Bennett?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Barbara Streisand.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Willy Nelson.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Miley Cyrus?”
M.E: “GOD NO!”
Jay: “Hey! That hurts! Rolling Stones?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Huey Lewis and News?”
M.E: “No … I just don’t listen to music at all.”
Jay: “Umm … Okay, puppy vidoes.”
M.E: “Puppy vid? … Ohhhhh they’re so cute!”
Jay: “Internet, M.E. M.E, Internet.”

Then I put some of the games icons on the desktop so she can find them easily and play games to get used to using the mouse and all that shit. As I putt the laptop back in the box so she can take it home and all that and I show her where to plug the mouse back in at and I say “since you’re right handed just plug it in on the left side and run the cord around the back.” She says okay and gathers her stuff and says she’s going to go home and will “practice on the computer.”

About an hour later she calls and says “How come just because I’m right handed that means I HAVE to plug the mouse in on the left side? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” I told her I was just doing what seemed most obvious and easiest to me and she could plug it into any of the plugs it will fit in. She said okay, but was clearly a bit skeptical that I wasn’t trying to set her up for something.

That’s how day one went. God only knows how it’s going to go from here, but I’m pretty sure this is going to get me out of God’s doghouse.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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In other news, on Saturday Matt-Man interviewed Jayman on I’m With Stupid Podcast. It was light-hearted yet thoughtful and at times deep. We talked about growing up in Arkansas, religion, politics, writing and all kinds of other topics that Matt probed. So, check it out. Matt-Man actually kind of made Jayman sound interesting.

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