Hanging Out with Santa Claus

Hola y’all! Santa came over tonight and hung out with me and agreed to do a Jay Said, Santa Said for the blog cause he’s cool like that.

Jay: Hola Santa!
Santa: Beer please. And some chips. I’m hungry.
Jay: I’ve already got them for you; uh please don’t smoke in here.
Santa:  I’m Santa Claus I can smoke anywhere I fucking please.
Jay: It’s bad for you though.
Santa: So is sliding down everyone’s filthy chimney but nobody tells me not to do that!
Jay: Good point.
Santa: Nobody cares about my wellbeing.
Jay: Now, that’s just not true.
Santa: Really? Everyone leaves cookies, fudge and cake for me.
Jay: I’m sure some people in Cali leave granola and soy milk.
Santa: Yes and that shit is disgusting!
Jay: I know being Santa isn’t easy, but not THAT bad.
Santa: Nobody ever asks what I want for Christmas.
Jay: That’s only because you can have whatever you want.
Santa: Yeah, but having someone else get it for me would be nice every once in a while.

Jay: But, you’re Santa Claus. You do this out of the goodness of your heart.
Santa: I should sell ads.
Jay: Really? Sell out like that?
Santa: Nothing big. Maybe just some small ads on the wrapping paper?
Jay: Maybe on the tag?
Santa: That’s brilliant! “To Timmy … From Santa brought to you by Tostitos” or something.
Jay: I’m thinking Johnsonville Brats.
Santa: I like the way you think.
Jay: With your sophisticated marketing operations, you should be able to target ads.
Santa: I’m thinking of asking Google to help me with that.
Jay: You’ll get some criticism for this.
Santa: Only from the pink-o, panty-waste, atheist, baby-killing liberals who hate me already.
Jay: That’s true.
Santa: So fuck them
Jay: Hell yeah! You go Santa!

Jay: So how’s the Christmas season been this year?
Santa: Same as always. Greedy, spoiled kids demanding expensive toys.
Jay: Gets worse every year.
Santa: Damn right it does. And I get pissed on at least four times a day.
Jay: Is your suit water proof?
Santa: I spray it down with a special formula so I don’t smell like piss all day.
Jay: Well if you did, you could just take the bus and fit right in.
Santa: Hey-OOOOOOOOO!
Jay: Is there anything good about being Santa?
Santa: Well there are a few things.
Jay: The joy of the season? Happy children smiling and laughing?
Santa: Well that and a few “fringe benefits.”
Jay: Oh really? Like groupies?
Santa: Dude. Every hot chick in the world wants to sit on Santa’s lap.
Jay: That’s awesome.
Santa: It’s crazy. Hell, I can go to any strip club and get a free lap dance for every single girl there.
Jay: I’m so jealous.
Santa: You should be. In some of the dodgier places I can get a free handy too.
Jay: Santa! I’m so disappointed in you!
Santa: Oh please! Spare me your fake indignation. I never claimed to be a role model.
Jay: Well, that’s true. I guess anyone would take advantage of being Santa a little bit.
Santa: I’m only human dude.
Jay: Good point.
Santa: Well, I better be off.
Jay: Got big plans?
Santa: Getting pissed on by kids and free lap dances from strippers.
Jay: Typical weekend then.
Santa: Yup.
Jay: Well, Merry Christmas and safe travels Santa.
Santa: Thanks my friend.

There you go. As you can see, Santa is a very complicated, yet fun and thoughtful guy.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

I'm So Going to Heaven

Hola bitches and welcome to the further adventures with my mother’s friend M.E. You remember M.E. from Thanksgiving, right? Well after a year of talking about it M.E. finally decided to get a laptop computer. She hasn’t ever used a computer before in her life. Okay, she did use a computer in a very limited manner back in the early 90’s, but that doesn’t really count.

Oh, and she’s never been on the internet either. Of course, she’s pretty sure she knows all about the net and … it’s the devil. But, she’s ready to take on the devil anyway. She asked me to go with her Walmart to get a laptop and “whatever else I’m going to need.”

Surprisingly enough Walmart wasn’t too difficult. We had a short discussion about whether she needed a desktop or laptop …

M.E: “I’m pretty sure I want a laptop.”
Jay: “They both have their pros and cons.”
M.E: “I think I’ll put it on the desk in the spare bedroom because there’s no TV in there.”
Jay: “So you want a desktop?”
M.E: “No, because I want to use it in the living room and downstairs.”
Jay: “Uh you just said … okay.”

So, we get her an HP laptop, a wireless router, a mouse and she also finds this portable tray that she thinks she’ll put the laptop on. It went smooth, no arguments or strange questions. Then we get back here so I can set her laptop up and show her a few things and get it registered for her. She also called the cable company and they will be out next Thursday to turn on her internet.

I get the thing out of the box and go through the set up process and then I decide to show her the internet. I figured the best place to go to first would be YouTube which leads to this conversation …

Jay: “What is your favorite musical act?”
M.E: “Oh I don’t know.”
Jay: “Do you like Dean Martin?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Sinatra?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Tony Bennett?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Barbara Streisand.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Willy Nelson.”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Miley Cyrus?”
M.E: “GOD NO!”
Jay: “Hey! That hurts! Rolling Stones?”
M.E: “No.”
Jay: “Huey Lewis and News?”
M.E: “No … I just don’t listen to music at all.”
Jay: “Umm … Okay, puppy vidoes.”
M.E: “Puppy vid? … Ohhhhh they’re so cute!”
Jay: “Internet, M.E. M.E, Internet.”

Then I put some of the games icons on the desktop so she can find them easily and play games to get used to using the mouse and all that shit. As I putt the laptop back in the box so she can take it home and all that and I show her where to plug the mouse back in at and I say “since you’re right handed just plug it in on the left side and run the cord around the back.” She says okay and gathers her stuff and says she’s going to go home and will “practice on the computer.”

About an hour later she calls and says “How come just because I’m right handed that means I HAVE to plug the mouse in on the left side? That doesn’t make any sense to me.” I told her I was just doing what seemed most obvious and easiest to me and she could plug it into any of the plugs it will fit in. She said okay, but was clearly a bit skeptical that I wasn’t trying to set her up for something.

That’s how day one went. God only knows how it’s going to go from here, but I’m pretty sure this is going to get me out of God’s doghouse.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

--

In other news, on Saturday Matt-Man interviewed Jayman on I’m With Stupid Podcast. It was light-hearted yet thoughtful and at times deep. We talked about growing up in Arkansas, religion, politics, writing and all kinds of other topics that Matt probed. So, check it out. Matt-Man actually kind of made Jayman sound interesting.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio