Near Death Experience Causes Some Introspection

Hola y’all! You don’t know how lucky you are to be hearing from me today! That’s because I had a near death experience Wednesday evening. We had a couple of big storms roll through and they either produced very high damaging winds or a wee little tornado!! The atmospheric scientists haven’t made a final ruling on which yet, but judging from the twisted metal that was once the sign in front of the mall I’m guessing tornado.

There were also a couple of other billboards and signs in front of businesses blown over as well as some telephone poles and other damage to buildings. There were no injuries though, so that’s good. The damage stretches from the post office (less than ONE MILE from me!) to Daylight Donuts to the mall and then to Golden Pawn Shop. That’s a pretty sizable debris field.

Anyway, I didn’t know I had a near death experience at the time. I didn’t even know there had been a tornado. All I knew was that I was sitting here happily listening to some Aisha Tyler’s podcast “Girl on Guy” and watching the Corgi Cam (Yay! Pupp-EEEEEEES!!) when BAM! the lights went out.

I could have sat here and thought about my near death experience I had I known about it, but I was more concerned with my dinner being ruined. I was only about 15 seconds into cooking my minute steak. Luckily my baked potato was done so all was not lost. It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized I could have put the minute steak in the still hot oven to cook it even with the power off. I’m easily distracted and don’t think of things like that until it’s too late.

After I finished my potato I opened the windows so I could get a breeze through the apartment even it wasn’t exactly cool. That’s when my neighbor came home. She immediately got on her cellphone to tell someone there had been a tornado. Then, my upstairs neighbor yelled “did you say tornado?” and they yelled back and forth for a few because walking down the stairs to talk is just too much freaking effort, I guess.

This is when most people would realize they had a near death experience, but not me. I was too focused on the horrible possibility of my two neighbors joining forces. The one next door has a VERY loud voice and a terribly annoyingly bad Newton County, Arkansas twang. The guy upstairs stomps around his apartment, apparently while wearing combat boots, at all hours of the day and night. He runs from room to room and then paces and paces and paces for hours on end.

I call them “Hillbilly and Leadfoot.” Obviously, these two coming together would be a disaster.

The power came back on around 9:30 and I was able to get online and see pictures of the damage and get some information from local news sites. That’s when I realized Matt-Man told me that I had had a near death experience. When he pointed that out I was like “Whoa! Dude, that’s right.” Then Matt-Man mentioned that near death experiences are pretty traumatic and I should take some time to think about how I feel about having one.

So, I started thinking about my life and if I’ve basically wasted it and if I had died Wednesday night how would people react and how long would it take people to even notice I wasn’t there anymore and all that stuff. Then I thought that I can’t die now cause there are still too many of y’all I want to see naked meet in person and hug and hang out with. It was all getting pretty deep for a while, but I suddenly remembered to check and make sure that my ice cream sandwiches didn’t melt during the power outage and after I ate one I had totally lost my train of thought.

Oh well, some other time I guess.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Something Is Au Rotten Within the United States Department of Agriculture

This is Spuds Tuberosum for I’m…With…Stupid, and listen…

I have more than a few problems with the Obamas and the United States Department of Agriculture.

Tater Tot, by every slowly served Tater Tot, they are trying to limit the amount of starchy foods in school lunches, in favor of “more acceptable vegetables” such as brussel sprouts and broccoli.

Let me tell ya…

We potatoes Rawwwwwwk!!

We are a good source of Vitamins B6, C, Thiamine, and Niacin, and we have more than our fair share of Potassium working through us, as well as more than a little bit of Iron, to which I have to say…

Hey corn, move over and make room for the tuber, you winsome bitch.

And yet, while this go ‘round, the Obamas and the USDA have failed to stop our appearance in school lunches, my more than a few of my eyes have never seen such an attack on something as American as the potato.

I have never seen anything as un-American as attacking the potato since the days when The Brady Bunch was cancelled.

So goes Cindy Brady; so goes the Yukon Gold.

Listen President and Mrs. Obama, Secretary Vilsack, and my fellow Americans…This great nation was born and built on two staples of dietary ingestion, and two staples only…Meat and Potatoes.

Do you deciders of fortune in Washington, D.C. realize that if weren’t for the potato and it’s ensuing blight from dirty rot, taint, and curl, that today there would be nary a city in the United States that wasn’t well-manned by cops of Irish descent?

Sure, you talk a good game about the gloriosity of first responders, but you are trying to kill off the very life blood that brought them here.

I know, Mrs. Obama, you want to put an end to child obesity or whatever, but c’mon, who are we kidding?

You show me a kid who grows up eating bulgur wheat, brussel sprouts, and fruit during his or her formative years in elementary school, and I’ll show you a kid who gets his or her ass kicked every day by the time High School comes around.

Sad.

Seriously.  Do you suppose Daniel Boone passed on a twice baked potato in lieu of a half baked mention of asparagus with his deer brisket while running the gauntlet?

Do you think that Andrew Jackson said, “The Cherokee can stay where they are until I finish my sausage and endive casserole.”

Is it to be believed that on the day that the Berlin Wall came down, Ronald Reagan, said, “Man, I wish could celebrate the end of Communism by having a juicy steak with some fresh and slightly roasted eggplant.”

Ha-hooooo, I don’t think so.

No my friends, Boone ate raw potatoes while butchering the Shawnee…Jackson had French fries with his Trail of Tears entree, and the Gipper had several frozen patties of hash browns for every brick that came tumbling down.

So Real…So American…So Potato…

My friends…

From the Russet’s red glare to Yukon Golds bursting in air, I say to you…

Do not, like this administration has, dare to abandon the potato.

Totted, twice baked, or in chip form, we have, and always will be, here for you.

God Bless the potato, the National Potato Council, and above all…

God Bless the United States of America,

Spuds Tuberosum

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws