THE OSU Uber-Fan Frank Blatz Is Befooted By Tragedy

Good Morning IWS Radio listeners, or in this case…readers…or whatever.

THE Ohio State University football uber-fan Frank Blatz here, with my take on the tragedy that has befooted itself upon our world in recent days.

Okay…so over in Iraq, I guess there is the group of hooligans called ISIS or ISIL or whatever…I wish they’d make up their mind as to what to be called…I think I’ll just from now on refer to them as Izzle.  Anyway…

Seems that Izzle is running roughshod over and through innocent Iraqians and has been and continues to blitz some group called the Yassidians who are looking for a little pass protection from the United States and a group of indigent Iraqians called the Curds.

I don’t understand why people have to hate on others.  I mean, maybe I’d know more about this situation and would have a clearer take on what’s going on over there, but the Big 10 Network doesn’t carry a lot of world news.

I do know that an American reporter type guy was beheaded the other day by these Izzle folks.  I saw the video.  It was nearly as disturbing as when Tim Krumrie of the Cincinnati Bengals broke his leg during Super Bowl XXIII, and it was floppin‘ around like a dead fish on national TV.

I actually was more disturbed by the video of the guy getting his head chopped off because he was a true American, and Tim Krumrie?  He played football for the University of Wisconsin.  So c'mon…there ya go.

Oh…And what is it about all this shit going on in Ferguson, Mo.? People looting, shooting, fighting, and what not.  Have people lost their minds?  I know that tragically, an 18 year old black kid got terminally shot by a white cop, but man…Can’t we let the justice system figure this out without burning down the entire community?

You folks in in Missouri need to figure this out pronto because THE Ohio State University football season is but nine days away, and I don’t want any of the games I watch being interrupted by BREAKING NEWS from Ferguson!!  If that happens?  I may come to Ferguson, Mo. and break a few windows myself, you SEC bastards!!

Finally…Here is without a doubt, the penintimate…um…penticular…wait…biggest tragedy of the day.

THE Ohio State quarterback and assuredly 2014 Heisman winner Braxton Miller, re-injured his shoulder and will be out for his entire senior season.  What the Hell!!?  Why does God hate THE Ohio State University? IT’S NOT FAIR!!  IT’S OUR TURN!!  WE ARE THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY!!

How are we to capture the Golden Fleece that is the Big 10 title with a red shirt Freshman named J.T. Barrett at quarterback?

The boy hasn't had taken a college snap and he will be standing behind four new starters on the O-Line. When we go to Michigan State J.T. is going to feel the same way a black dude in Ferguson, Mo. must feel…Like he is looking across the line and eye to eye with a line of angry, grain-fed white guys who want to rip his head off.

Let’s just hope it is quicker and less painful than the decapitation of that reporter type guy who was decapitated by that un-American Michigan State bastard of a basketball coach, Tom Izzle.

For IWS Radio this is Frank Blatz…

Lovin’ the Urban Meyer, and Smellin’ like Woody Hayes…

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GOP Debate Series Part II

Welcome once again folks to our GOP Debate Series. You may recall that we started things off with a question about the economy and our recovery from a recession. In today’s installment we’ll be talking about foreign relations and the various wars and military actions that the US is currently involved in. Okay, let’s get after it!

Q: We are currently embroiled in two wars, Iraq and Afghanistan, and several military actions that aren’t official wars in places like Libya, Yemen and Somalia. How would you extricate the US from these countries and improve our standing with other nations in the world? 

Mitt Romney: Well, luckily I’m a very handsome, extremely charming man with impeccable manners. That’s why everyone all around the world will like me and want to be my friend. I also have a great deal of experience in taking over operations and shutting things down. I know I did it in the corporate world, taking over a company and shutting it down and kicking the employees to the curb, and it will work here too. I’ll just shut things down. We’ll sell of any assets over there and send all the Americans home.  

Rick Perry: I think this is a situation where you need to kick ass and take names. I think the thing to do is to go over to these countries and stand tall and yell “I’M RIGHT HERE BUDDY! YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME? COME AND GET IT! LET’S GO!”  I think that’s what people respect. Nobody wants to hear a bunch of talk and attempts at being friends. They’ll respond to a little kick in the behind. 

Michele Bachmann: Oh I tell you what, this is a very important question. It’s too bad Obama is such a failure and has created this problem by sending all those troops into places like Iraq and Afghanistan and those other places you mentioned that I will go and look up on Google Maps right after the debate. But, what I think is most important is to be firm with these people just like I have to be with my 27 foster children. Sometimes they don’t want to do their chores around the farm. But, you just have to keep after ‘em and remind of what God wants them to do. 

Herman Cain: Uh, well. I think that it’s important for us to lighten the mood a bit over there. Maybe try to tell a few jokes and get them laughing. Once you do that, you can sit down and talk to them. Well, YOU can. I don’t talk to Muslims. 

Rick Santorum: I would tell them that we already have some common ground upon which we can build a new relationship. Our shared hatred for gays. *shudder* OH MAN THEY CREEP ME OUT!!! 

John Huntsman: I too have excellent speaking skills and my multicultural family allows me to be much more comfortable with people who aren’t like me. That, along with my diplomatic experience, will allow me to forge new relationships with the people of the Middle East and around the world. We’ll bring back the troops and wind down military activities in an orderly, proficient manner. 

Ron Paul: What the hell are these morons talking about? Bring them all home. Cut off all foreign aid. These people should be left to deal with their problems on their own, just as we should be too. They don’t like us, we don’t like them. So fuck it. 

Newt Gingrich: As a historian I can tell you that Obama is doing everything all wrong. Obama had the chance to turn the entire Middle East into a bastion of Democracy. Instead, he chose to coddle those people and try to be their best friend. Just like the Nazis did back in the day. 

Well, there ya have it folks. I hope you appreciate this public service that we here at I’m With Stupid are providing as much as we are. This is truly fascinating and educational. We’ll be back to talk social problems next week.

Jayman
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