I Love Conspiracy Theorists

Hola conspiracy theorists! I’m a magnet for weirdos  freaks, creeps, punks, geeks, sportos, motorheads, dweebs, dorks, sluts, butt-heads and mentally unstable. I’m not complaining because that’s what makes life interesting. Also, I often times have very serious concerns about my own mental well-being until I meet one of these people and I feel better about myself. Anyway, people feel free to share their conspiracy theories with me all the time. I thought I would share a few of them with you guys.

Space Junkie: I was walking into Walmart one very hot summer day and there was a truck driver right next to me. I gave him the bro-nod and said “hi” to him and he then asked me “hot enough for ya?” I answered in the affirmative and he then said “I tell you what! If they don’t stop shootin’ stuff off into outer space, they’re gonna make it too damn hot to live here on this planet.”

I told him I always thought it had something to do with the positioning of the Earth and Sun during the summer months here in the Northern Hemisphere. “Well, that’s what they tell us, isn’t it?” was his response as he shook his head in bitter disappointment that I had fallen victim to the government weather propaganda machine.

Miss Independent: I met a coworker’s mother once who spent every single day of her life defending American Independence from the threat posed by the United Nations. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind that the U.N. was working to take over America first and then the rest of the world would fall into line under a ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT! In fact, for a while in early 1992 she was sure that the great U.N. Coup was underway right under our noses.

“If you drive past the National Guard building near the airport, coming from Highway 65, really slow” she told me in hushed tones “and look behind the building … *looks around to see if anyone is listening* … you will see two white Jeeps with blue ‘U.N.’ lettering on them.”

I stared at her slack-jawed with wide eyes and loudly whispered “NO SHIT?!?” She nodded knowingly so that I knew that she understood how much fear I was in and she then shushed me in case anyone was listening in.

Sovereign Citizen: This guy was my neighbor for a while back in the day. He had a new cell phone and was talking about how he could sign up for alerts from the Power Company and Cable Company when there are outages and stuff. I told him he could also get emergency messages in case of bad weather or even terrorists attacks. Before I could even finish talking he was shaking his head.

“I’m not giving the government my phone number dude. No damn way that’s happening!” He fired back. “Hell, I refuse to even give them my social security number when they ask for it on different forms. They just don’t need to have any kind of access to me and my life like that.”  I asked him how giving them his phone number would hurt he replied “If they get my phone number, they can track me pretty easily.”

And there are lots and lots more. Most of them pushing some variation of the U.N. takeover of America and even a few who told me about Mexico taking Texas back after the Latino Power Structure takes over the Texas and federal governments. And, there was the barber who explained that all of our problems can be traced to “bad Americans” buying all these foreign cars. Like I said, I love each and every one of these people and thank them for entertaining me so much over the years.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Eliminating People Would Make Life Easier

Hola! Welp, it was 85 degrees here today. I know that it snowed once back in January and that proves there’s no climate change or global warming or anything like that, but this is a bit extreme. In fact, it’s so warm that I had to crank up the air conditioner at the palatial estates. Unfortunately, this means that I have to make my annual trip up to the office Thursday morning.

As always, I’ll have to ask for a maintenance work order, get an eye roll from the girl working in there, and then fill it out explaining that my a/c is blowing warm air. It is out of coolant, I’m sure. This isn’t really a big deal, but why I fill out the maintenance request online? I just hate places that won’t join the 21^st Century and make me deal with other people.

Life is full of all kinds of little annoyances. In addition to the a/c in my apt needing coolant, the a/c in my car will need some soon too. It has a leak, so it needs coolant three or four times a year. Worse than that, it needs an oil change too. GOD I hate doing that.

Oh sure, all I do is drive up to Super Spiffy Fast Lube place or Walmart and have them do the dirty work, but again, it’s a hassle. First they ask me like a million questions and give me a half million options. Then, I feel like they’re judging me when I just get a basic, everyday oil change. They look at me and shake their head like “Man, I guess you don’t love your car.”

Wouldn’t be great if we could do these little things without any hassle at all? And by “hassle” I mean “dealing with people.” It would be so cool to just go online and let the Rapid Fire Quickie Lube know that my car needed an oil change. Then they would send Bubba out here who would put the car up on some jacks and change the oil and filter and add coolant without me having to do anything at all. They could then just charge my credit card. No dealing with people necessary.

I realize this is the ultimate First World Problem, but it would certainly make my life less stressful. We can already do this when we order pizza. Sure, I have to open the door for the delivery guy. And, they always want to know if I’m having a good night and blah blah blah. Small talk bores me. But, at least I can just sign the slip and tell the guy to “take it easy” and close the door.

There are some areas where people can buy their groceries that way. Oh man wouldn’t that be cool? I wonder if they would design their website so that every once in a while an image of a little old man popped up while the site buffered before loading the virtual produce isle. That way I could get the real life feel of shopping without actually having an old person in front standing in front of me blocking the canned vegetables. That would be a pretty funny feature.

Again, I would have to deal with the delivery person. And, that delivery person would probably judge me by what I bought just like the clerk at Walmart does. I swear, they always look at me like I’m some kind of freak when they scan my Great Value Swiss Rolls Snack Cakes. I know they’re not a real food product, but they’re sooooo yummy!

Well, I guess this not having to deal with people utopia will never be fully realized. At least not until I win the lottery and can afford to be a total recluse like Howard Hughes was. So, I’ll still have to get up and go deal with miss Eye Roll in the morning. But, I’ll get a small measure of revenge against her for her attitude. I won’t shower before I go up there.

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

--

In other news, on Wed Matt-Man and I broke down the Mississippi and Alabama primaries and talked about how wonderful the south is on IWS. You won’t get expert analysis like this anywhere else folks.

We also unveiled our new segment “Molotov Mocktails!” Surprisingly enough, it turned out pretty damn funny. So, check it out!  

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio