Some Questions Have No Answers

Holaaaaaaaaaa all you deep thinkers! You know, sometimes there are questions that just don’t have an answer. Here are a few of them that keep me awake at night ….

What food can NOT be improved by covering it with cheese or chocolate?

Why does God let bad things like Kim Kardashian happen to good people like Kanye West?

What ARE we supposed to turn down for?

Who DID let the dogs out?

What the hell is wrong with you people?

Why is it that when I drop my toast or English muffin it ALWAYS lands butter side down?

Why do so many people post pics of their nasty feet online?

What is at the bottom of the black hole that is Ann Coulter’s soul?

What if this is as good as it gets?

Is there intelligent life out there? How ‘bout semi-intelligent life like say “Scott Baoi Just Below Average” intelligence?

If a train leaves Philly at 4:22 am and travels west-southwest at 49.5 mph and another train leaves Las Cruces, NM at 6:18 am and travels north-northwest at 81.2 kph at what time will I sit in front of flashing red lights screaming COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!

Who’s a good dog?

Couldn’t the show “Unsolved Mysteries” just have been called “Mysteries?”

Why do I forget every clever or funny thing I think of before I get a chance to write it down?

Can God create a hamburger so big he can’t get it in his mouth?

What the fuck do people actually see in Julia Roberts?

What is it that Meatloaf won’t do for love?

how YOU doin’?

Who put the ram in rama lama ding dong?

Why do I bother?

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Cheesy Chicken and Rice Food Porn From IWS!

Holaaaaaaaaaa y’all! As you probably know, I’m quite the culinary genius. Okay, maybe genius is going a bit too far. That word is reserved brilliantly creative cooks like Matt-Man and his “Hot Dog, Tuna and Chili Supreme Pizza” masterpieces. Also for people like Sandra Lee who is sooooo much more than a “seems like if I just flatter her for a few minutes and get her to finish off three drinks I’ll get lucky” lush. Her food assemblies creations are AMAZIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Last night I might have taken a very important step towards joining Matt-Man and Sandra though. As if often the case, my culinary delight came about because of a mistake. A mistake in the form of my inability to get everything I need at the store even when I make a freaking list! Anyhoodle, after realizing I didn’t have everything I needed, I made something up. Here’s what I made.

Cheesy Stove Top Chicken, Rice, Peas and Mushrooms Casserole!

Here’s the ingredients list …

1 lb Boneless Skinless Chicken Tenders

1 Cup Minute Rice

1 Can of Peas

1 Can of Mushrooms

A Handful of Shredded Colby/Jack Cheese

1 Cup of Chicken Broth

Drain the peas and mushrooms and then chop the mushrooms up. Put one cup of chicken broth in a covered medium pot along with the peas and mushrooms and heat them through and then bring it to a boil. Throw in the cup of rice, stir thoroughly, cover again and remove from heat for at least five minutes. (Unless you use fancy rice that takes lots of time and effort to make, in that case just figure it out.)

In a skillet pour a bit (just eyeball it) of vegetable oil to lightly coat the pan. Season the chicken tenders with some garlic powder and Cavenders (or whatever crap you use on chicken) and blacken those things on medium heat cause chicken has no real flavor to it. Be sure to turn the chicken over and season both sides evenly and keep flipping the chicken so it will cook up nicely on both sides.

Now, simply cut up a couple of the chicken tenders on a plate, pour a decent amount of the rice concoction on it and then grab a handful off the shredded cheese and cover it with as much as you like. Be sure to put the cheese on while everything is still hot so it will melt. Stir it all up on the plate to ensure even cheese covering to hold it all together and then TA-DAAAAAAAA:

Now you can eat it with your mouth. Mmmmmmmm! (I should have put more cheese on it.) It serves a few to several people depending on how much you eat and how hungry everyone is.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Fifty Shades of Jay

I was sitting alone in my apartment watching Family Guy when there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and it was Miley Cyrus! I stepped aside to let her in and started to tell her how surprised I was to see her there when she pushed me against the door as it closed. She put her left hand on my chest and slowly ran it down to my belly which she rubbed lovingly as she stared into my eyes for a moment.

Then Miley grabbed my hand led me over to the dining room table. She grabbed me and forced me to sit down in the chair. I exclaimed “But Miley! You’re engaged now. We shouldn’t be doing this.” She said nothing as she stood there with her still perky barely legal teenage breasts at my eye level.

Then Miley straddled me and sat on my lap. As I again attempted to stop what was happening, she put her finger on my lips and leaned in so close our lips were almost touching. Then she whispered “Shhhhhhh” as she moved her hand around the back of my head and put her lips against my ears.

“I’ll be getting married soon, but there is something I have to do before that happens.” She purred.

I put my hands on her thighs and sighed deeply. “Anything you want Miley.”

Miley kissed me softly on the cheek, smiled and said “I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SOME MEATLOAF BABY!”

My desire rose rapidly as Miley marched into the kitchen, reached into the bag she was carrying and placed one pound of ground beef, an onion and some eggs on the counter. I could barely think clearly when she asked where a big bowl, the knives and a cutting board were. Miley then chopped up the onion with abandon, placed them and the meat into the bowl, cracked a couple of eggs and threw them in too. She then grabbed the meat gently and began to massage it, mixing everything together until it was eventually a long, beautiful, stiff log which she placed strips of bacon on and placed on a rack inside of a cake pan and into the oven.

While the meat loaf was cooking Miley moved immediately to peeling the potatoes. It was no time at all before she had them cut up and sprinkled with some salt and pepper and boiling in a covered pan on the stove. Miley then sang “Can’t Be Tamed” and cleaned up the kitchen while everything cooked. When the potatoes were done she quickly drained them and threw them back into the pan along with ¾ a stick of butter, more salt and pepper and a splash of milk.

Then, as my head was spinning from excitement and desire Miley mashed the potatoes. Her hair was flowing and body shaking as she shook and bounced up and down to mashed the taters. She was breathing heavily now, mashing the potatoes harder and faster until finally she took a deep breath, smiled said “Oh yeah … That’s soooo good.”

Miley placed my plate in front of me and sat on my lap. Once again I was rubbing her thighs as she fed me the first taste of meat loaf. I could barely contain myself anymore. I let out a groan and pulled her closer to me. My senses were all fully engaged now. My heart was racing. The meatloaf tasted so good. The tangy A1 Sauce was the perfect complement to the subtle flavors of the meat and potatoes.

After finishing the whole plate Miley and I just held each other right there in the chair basking in the post cuisineal glow. We were barely able to move at all. All we wanted to do was cuddle and remember this beautiful moment, our last, together. Then Miley again kissed me gently on the neck while she pressed her firm body against mine, sighed and haltingly whispered …

“I … Want … Dessert.”

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Matt Said Jay Said XXXIX

Matt 会談, Jay 会談, You 聞く.

Matt: “You again? This is getting to be a habit.”
Jay: “I’m a man of many bad habits.”
Matt: “Don’t share them with me you sick fuck.”
Jay: “I’m sure you already dream about ‘em.”
Matt: “I’ll dream about my final Google Image Search of the night.”
Jay: “Midget porn?”
Matt: “Noooo”
Jay: “Clown porn?”
Matt: “Horrifying!”
Jay:  “IKR?! Just mentioning it will leave me scarred for life.”
Matt: “No, I search ‘Pizza.’”
Jay: “Mmmmmm … Cheese oozing off the sides.”
Matt: “I really don’t like the word ‘ooze’ if you don’t mind, but greasy is sexy.”

Jay: “Our Mother’s Day show is #4!!”
Matt: “We’re blowing up!”
Jay: “We’re, as the kids say, killin it!”
Matt: “Do they say that?”
Jay: “Of course they do.”
Matt: “I’ll take your word for it.”
Jay: “I have my finger on the pulse of pop culture and all that stuff.”
Matt: “Be careful where you put that thing.”
Jay: “I’ve always been super careful ever since that incident in grade school.”

Matt: “OH MY GOD!”
Jay: “I’m joking. Sheesh.”
Matt: “No, no that. Schmoop is devouring some chicken nuggets and fries.”
Jay: “That’s hot!”
Matt: “Yes it is! She’s so aggressive.”
Jay: “Like a lioness tearing into a zebra?”
Matt: “Kinda.”
Jay: “You need to get some video.”
Matt: “She would be famous.”
Jay: “I’m gonna dream about THAT tonight.”
Matt: “You and me both.”

Matt: “I have a couple of ideas for this Sunday.”
Jay: “Lay it on me stud.”
Matt: “You know Mitch Albom’s 7 People You Meet in Heaven?”
Jay: “I hate him, but go on.”
Mat: “Well, we could do People You Meet on Earth.”
Jay: “You mean people who influenced us in some way.”
Matt: “Yeah!”
Jay: “Like good advice and mentored us and shit.”
Matt: “Exactly. Or bad advice.”
Jay: “And we can pay if forward with our own great advice.”
Matt: “If we have any.”
Jay: “We’ll think of some by Sunday.”
Matt: “Sounds good!”
Jay: “Another MONSTER show coming up!”
Matt: “That’s hot.”

And there you go kids, another sneak peek into the world of IWS staff meetings. Be sure to catch us LIVE on I’m With Stupid this and every Sunday at 12 Noon ET talking about great advice and all that stuff. It’s gonna be fun!  

Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

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Crying Rangers Kid Learns a Good Lesson

Hola over privileged entitled crybabies! By now most of you guys have probably seen the video of the couple at the Texas Rangers game who grabbed the ball tossed into the crowd by a Rangers player right in front of a little kid. Whether the ball was intended for the kid isn’t known, but he very clearly believed it was. What followed was a world-class fit by the boy and the couple literally mocking the kid by taking pictures of themselves with the ball and laughing.

If you haven’t you can see the video HERE.

Now, the couple is taking a lot of flak over this today. People say they are mean and rude and all that. Others claiming that it’s an OUTRAGE! It seems like everyone is trashing them for not giving the ball to that kid. Well, everyone except me.

Why should they give him the ball? Does he have some God-Given right to it? Do we know for sure the Rangers player was throwing to that kid? I don’t really think he was. He seemed to me to just be chucking the ball into the stands. And you know what? Sucks for him that he’s just a little guy with a short reach and his dad wouldn’t knock anyone out of the way to get the ball for him.

I’m not one of these people who believe we should all kowtow to children. Or even really care about their delicate psyches. Or that they are all special. Or that they should all be allowed to do whatever they want, whenever they want to. The sooner they learn that life isn’t fair, the better. We don’t need to let them live in some fantasy world where they start believing that the world is a decent place and life isn’t going to be hard. That kid at the Rangers game got his first lesson in how brutal life is.

Well, he did until some pansy-ass guy came down and gave the kid a ball. I can’t stand it when people give into these entitled little brats. In fact, that’s the very reason the other couple was right not to give him the ball. If you watch the video, after the man grabs the ball, the kid reaches out like it’s his. He seems to think he deserves that ball. Talk about your sense of entitlement! Go back to all the rest of the hippies at the Occupy Dallas camp kid!

Besides, we don’t know the whole story. This happened in the 8^th inning so that couple had been sitting next to the whiny spoiled brat for two plus hours already. God only knows how much crap they had already had to put up with. They probably had to pretend to be nice to the kid as he kept turning to them saying “Hi! I have a glove!” 893,519 times. The kid probably was allowed to kick the chair in front of him repeatedly with mommy doing nothing bus saying “No, no honey, we don’t do that” but not actually making him stop. I have doubt that this kid probably pees in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. 

Hell that was probably the kids fourth or fifth fit of the night. Every time the guy with the candy, hotdogs and cracker jacks came by and mommy and daddy said no, the kid probably started screaming and throwing his usual entitled fit. I’m sure mommy and daddy gave in to each of those fits and got him something. Trust me, this kid has his parents trained. Or worse, they’re New Age parents who just let the kid run free and wild so he can “experience” everything and then just hold him while he throws his fits so he can get in touch with his feelings.

Fuck those parents and fuck that whiny, bratty little shit. I say good job older childless couple who swiped that ball right in front of the little kid and then mocked him. He had it coming and he’ll be a better person in when he grows up for it.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

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In other news, on Wednesday we held the first ever IWS Food Draft! It. Was. EPIC! We quickly hit on a couple of other topics like Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Deion Sanders, Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III. But, then got down to business with the Food Draft and made some really yummy radio magic. Be sure to check this one out!! 

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