Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Stealing is a Sin


Hola good upstanding citizens! We have a bit of drama brewing here in Redneckville and I’m going to have to think carefully how to proceed. Someone is stealing the morning paper and I have an idea who is doing this dastardly act. Not every day, but a day or two each week. It may not seem like a big deal, but people taking shit that isn’t theirs is one of my big pet-peeves.

So, I have few ideas of what to do next, but I’m not sure idea is best...

1. I could set my alarm for like 5 am and set up a stakeout and watch to see if Suspect A (the neighbor) is actually the one taking the paper. And if he/she is, I could then confront him/her and say “EXCUSE ME? DID YOU PAY FOR THAT FUCKING PAPER YOU THIEVING CUNT? NO? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE TAKING THAT PAPER? YOU KNOW IT’S NOT YOURS! I MEAN JESUS CHRIST YOU FUCKING GODDAM SHITBAG … FLAUNTING THE LAW … STEALING OTHER PEOPLE’S SHIT! HERE, LET’S JUST OPEN UP THE APARTMENT … GO ON IN … TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT … HERE WANT MY WALLET? WANT THIS SHIRT I’M WEARING? TAKE IT … FUCKING TAKE IT ALL!”

2. Or, I could wait for Suspect A to grab the paper and then jump him/her and beat the crap outta him/her all while playing “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.” You know, to teach ‘em a lesson and send a message to the rest of the hood.

3. I could booby-trap the paper. Maybe a small explosive that would go off as soon as Suspect A opened the paper would work. Not too big of an explosion though, just enough to scare the person and maybe leave their fingers burning a bit and a ringing in their ears. Or maybe poison! Ohhh yeah!

4. Go buy a Ken Doll, give him a Columbian Necktie and cut off his hands and feet and place it in a box next to Suspect A’s door. In that box will also be a note that says “This is what happens to people in the hood who steal.”

5. Maybe a more subtle approach is needed. I could set up a stakeout and wait for Suspect A to leave and then “accidentally” run into him/her on the sidewalk. Then I could be nice and charming as always and ask him/her how he/she is doing, and talk about how hot it’s gonna be and “Oh hey, I was wondering if you’ve noticed anyone out on the patio in the early mornings? I ask because someone is swiping the morning paper and thought maybe you might have seen someone around?”

6. There IS no option #6.

7. I could type up a really passive aggressive note about people taking other people’s shit and nobody having any respect for their neighbors and how this shit won’t be tolerated and put the note in the doorway of every apartment in the building including mine.

8. At around 4:30 am I could Ninja Creep up to the apartment and place a note on the paper stating “You did not pay for this paper so LEAVE IT ALONE.”

9. Cancel my newspaper subscription and make sure I get the chance at some point to let Suspect A know I had to because some worthless piece of shit kept stealing it.

Since I just finished watching the entire series of The Wire (AGAIN) I’m kind of leaning towards the more violent options. But, as someone who has been involved in social media for many years, the passive-aggressive ideas look good too. Man, dealing with this situation is gonna be tough. I’ll have to think about it some more.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

12 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I like Option #1 because you and your subtle southern draw saying the word, "cunt" always makes me laugh. Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Anonymous said...

I like option 1 & 2 but option 6 was funny as hell!! Just knab em Jay!! :) Missy

Beth said...

You know I'm all for violence babe, but I agree with Matt on option one. Cussing with your accent is priceless;)

Dana said...

I'm thinking a passive-aggressive sign on your front door - made of GIANT, hot-pink posterboard - that says "Smile as you steal my newspaper ... again. I'm taking your picture as you read this!"

Knight said...

I think you just walk up to suspect A like a rabid animal and say "Have you been taking my paper?" Maybe even put a foaming tablet in your mouth for effect. They will probably leave you alone for awhile.

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt: Yeah, but after I stand there screaming at them, they'll just laugh. Not sure that's what I'm going for. ha

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: How 'bout cussing WHILE committing an act of violence??

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: I did consider taking video through the peephole. It would be evidence and really creepy at the same time.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Missy: Ha! Option 6 is probably my best plan. haha

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Knight: That might be a great idea too. Of course, my concern in simply confronting anyone is that they might kick my ass. That could make this whole thing a bit more challenging. haha ;-)

Jay

Jo said...

#1...and you need to record it. Also, might as well skip wearing pants, that's about as effective as waving around a gun or crack-pipe.

I would probably do #8, but write directly on the paper in fat marker. I suggest using the phrase "sticky-fingered scoundrel".

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: I like the idea of writing all over the paper. That's brilliant. Also, "sticky-fingered scoundrel" might be a good name for a band.

Jay