What IWS Fans Are Saying

Showing posts with label Cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cancer. Show all posts

Monday, December 10, 2012

Living in a Van Down by the River

Cheers Bitches, and Happy Monday…Matt-Man here.

There are quite a few things going on and going down in my life this week, so I’d thought I’d do a pre-cap of all the action that will be unfolding, so when I go over the edge, you’ll know what is going on and why I will have lost my mind.

Found out yesterday that my BFF/OSP Schmoop who hasn't worked since October 22 due to health issues, has been denied at least her first two weeks of unemployment compensation, and may not get any whatsoever.

Apparently, her newly former boss who laid her off, claims to the powers that be, when questioned by the those who give the thumbs up or down to a claimant’s request, that…

“Laid her off!?  Oh no, that’s crazy talk.  There’s plenty of work for her to do here.”

The whiplash that I incurred when Schmoop informed me that that is what the folks at unemployment told her that that is what they had been told by said boss left me feeling and sounding like Dr. Phil.

I…was…STUPIFIED!!

The entire thing would be inexplicable except for one incredibly undeniable and transparent fact…her newly former boss is, and always has been, a completely selfish and self-centered dick who has no regard for anyone unless they are making money for him.

And here is what really disconcerting and foremost in my mind…This Friday, the lovely, yet soon to be indigent Schmoop is going under the knife at OSU Medical Center.

She will be on the table and under the knife for anywhere from 4-7 hours, as Dr. Rawalpindi removes a mass from her bile duct.

It’s bad enough that she has to worry about that, but due to the actions of her newly former boss, she has to worry that after her discharge from the hospital, which will take anywhere from 7-10 days, Schmoop will have to worry if she and we, have a home in which to stay come January.

Am I being hokie?  Am I being melodramatic?

No.

During the chaos surrounding her surgery , the battles over not being compensated, and the trepidation she has over the possibility of having cancer, Schmoop has had only one overriding fear and a singular point of ultimate sorrow…

She said to me…

“This apartment, for as small as it is, is home. I never felt that way at my house growing up, nor when I lived with John, but this is our home, and I don’t want to lose it.”

Here is what this unfeeling, un-thinking, ego-centric, self -serving jerk of a boss doesn’t understand…

With the arrogant and flippant statement he made to the folks at the unemployment office, he not only prevented Schmoop from garnering her opulent unemployment salary of $230.00 per week, he may have kicked her out of the home she loves as well.

Perhaps he doesn't realize that, or…perhaps he does.  Either way…

Even after twelve years of dedicated and loyal service on Schmoop’s behalf to him and his company, confidence is high that he doesn't really care.

And sadly, because of his actions, instead of merely worrying about her surgery, Schmoop has to worry about the financial situation as well.

Well…As I am not one to stand idly by, I will make sure he has to worry about his as well.  Letting his customers know the truth about him and his business practices is one way to do just that.

It won’t make our financial situation any better, but when Schmoop and I are living in a van down by the river, it’ll make me feel much better.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

On a lighter note…Jay and I broadcast a most festive and astounding celebration of Hanukkah on the IWS Radio Show Saturday night.  We had music, frivolity, and a regaling of all things Jewish.  We also checked-in with Dour Mike and Ariel Sharon.  If you missed it live, you can catch the magic right here:


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

He's Not Even Black, but Dr. Rawalpindi Will Cut a Bitch!!

Salutations and a joyous and effervescent day after Monday to all of you most well perusers of the IWS blog web.

I am IWS staff medico, Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi, here with an update on the adorable yet less than affable, personage called Schmoop.

I witnessed her in my office yesterday at the fifteen minute interval that follows the ten o’clock hour of AM.

On the upside, her neon yellow skin tone has salvaged itself all the way down to what a painter would refer to as, a dull ochre, or in my terms, a Cambodian yellow softened a tich by the subtle maize-like sheen of Guamanian pigment.

Medicinally speaking, this is much above average in its goodness.

Anyhoodle…

The day before the one in which we are currently residing, I explained to Schmoop the vastness and invasiveness of the acts I shall perform upon her with stealth, acumen, and a very pointy scalpel on a day in December numbered the 14th.

I put her at ease as I told her that her surgery will transpire at the half past seven hour of AM which means instead of anesthesia she can just be euphoric from the fact that she won’t encounter heavy Columbus traffic on her sojourn over here.

Ha Ha…I jested with her.  That is the nugget of my charm that excoriates me to others, but I digress, and need to allow myself to task to you what is at hand.

Schmoop’s bile duct is plugged.  Plugged tight.  In fact, it is plugged so tight that I can’t see if the pluggage in question is cancerous or not until I rip her open and take a look see.

Man, this entire thing is going to take a goodly amount of time and labor.  Schmoop could be on the bed of operations for three to seven, sixty minute periods.  Do you realize how many Indians are born every three to seven sixty minute periods?

Enough Indians to fill every God Damn call center in the world and still have ranch hands available to wash every God Damn sacred cow in in the Punjab region.  Wait?  Where I was?  Oh…Schmoop…

She will remain mostly fine as we seize the maleficent intruder from her sexy, even at the age of two score and six, nubile body.  I shall not let you lovers of Schmoop cascade downward in your mood from up.

That is where we stand erect at this point.  Myself and arraignment of medicinal cohorts will do all we can to make Schmoop whole again even though we will be removing vital organs.

That’s right IWS fanaticals…Even though she will actually be half the person she was prior to surgery, she will be more complete, or as Matt and Jay say…or something.

Annnnnnd….After her post-operative stay of 7-10 days, Matt-Man may very well have her home for your traditional war on holiday known as Christmas.

If that doesn’t put a smile on your Christmas tree, my name isn’t…

Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws