Excuse Me; Could We Please Be Happy For A Second!?

Cheers!!  Greetings!!  And welcome to the IWS Radio website, and a happy Friday to you all.

This past week, Jay and I have been nothing but cynical, satirical, and sarcastic.

We have made fun of Ann Coulter, people with two first names, list makers, and Donald Sterling just to name a few…albeit Mr. Sterling has a last name that is not his actual last name, but it makes him happy, and we are all about the happy.

However, this week was a big downer, and not a very joyful week, so…

It’s time to shed the yoke of cynicism and sarcasm, have some fun, and delight in the joy that are the people who are good, and things that make me happy aside from Schmoop. Jayman, Jamie, my family, my IWS family, and what not…and by golly, I have a list.

Last night?  I had no clue as to what we should have for dinner, so?  I called up the Pizza King, Vic Cassano, and lo and behold, thirty minutes and $25.00 later, I had the best pizzas in the freaking world delivered to me.  I love Cassano’s Pizza.

And speaking of food, you know what else elicits a happy, happy joy, joy feeling into my digestive core being? SPAM.  Sure, people make fun of SPAM for being the non-meat, but let me tell ya, I LOVE it.  It is delicious, nutritious, and versatile.

Of course, when eating, one needs a beverage with which to wash all the deliciousness down, and what is my liquid of choice?  Steel Reserve.  The 211, Baby!!  I know, I know…that’s ghetto beer you say, but let me tell you…if hanging out with Malcolm in the projects at 2:15 PM and drinking a 211 is wrong?  I don’t want to be right.

I haven’t mentioned many people that I actually have love for, but here is a guy who is gold.  Nigel.

He lives with me, doesn't say much, and brought his own beer and smokes.  If someone shows up on your doorstep with those attributes, bring em’ on in.

As for other house guests?  I’m not a fan, however if I was to have one?  It would be Missalicious.

That chick has a whole lot of 5’3” hotness going on, and…She can always request to call me at 12:15 in AM demanding some venting time, and oh yeah, I listen.

Seriously though, just like all of the aforementioned things, I love the Miss and yeah, other than knowing her for 35 years, the reasons for my love for her are inexplicable, except for one…she makes me smile every time we talk.

And really?  That is all any of us needs.  Good food, good drink, and good people…Well…we all need one other thing, music...and that is where these guys come in.

Another group of people that I heart and always have is, The Cars.

Now that we have everything for a good time, I wish you a wonderful Friday, a wonderful weekend, and a wonderful life.  I hope to ‘see’ you on the radio Sunday as we continue this love fest, but until then…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Matt on Twitter
Matt on Facebook

IWS Radio IS Ready for Primetime!!

Happy Friday, Second Day of Kwanzaa, and National Fruitcake Day to one and all, and I hope that
everyone reading this, had a wonderful time celebrating the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus this week.

I know I did.  I spent Christmas Eve at my brother Marty’s house and my son was actually there, and he had a present for ME.  It’s true!!

It was a Christmas miracle, and really?

The entire evening there was quite fun, because unlike many families, me and my brothers and sisters, get along pretty well.  But you know what I told my son Ryno Christmas Eve because I found it to be somewhat disturbing?

When I am with my brothers, even at six feet tall, I am the shortest Mahoney man in the room.  Hey, I know I was the baby of the family, but Mom and Dad, could you have spared an inch or two for me?

Wait…That didn't sound right, did it? Oh well, and anyhoo…

I, and certainly Jayman as well, hope that all of you gorgeous miscreants had a delightful Christmas.

Religious affiliation (or not) and/or whatever type of observances that you may or may not have had aside, Christmas is a great touchstone and catalyst for having fun with friends, family, and the ones whom you love.

Unless of course you send a very dear friend a picture of hot dog to their Facebook page as a token of Christmas joy and they end up deleting your wiener.  That right there is just plain, hurtful bullshit, but I digress, but I may discuss this issue further this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show, which by the way…

Is going PRIMETIME!!

Dat’s right Bitches!!  IWS Radio is going to be airing LIVE THIS SUNDAY from 8-10 PM ET, and probably will have that same time slot for at least 10-12 weeks.

Y’see?  The President and CEO of Blog Talk Radio Alan Levy approached Jay and I about going to a primetime slot because in his words…

“Primetime in the winter on BTR really slows down.  It has no pizzazz.  We need you guys….We need the IWS Radio team…We need you guys to be the straw that stirs the BTR primetime drink.”

So…I begged Drive-By Mikey to allow me to work the Beer Mine seven days a week, so that I would be sober at 8 PM ET on Sundays in order to do the show and help Alan Levy out.

Mikey put up a struggle, but he acquiesced and said to me…

“As much as I enjoy working Sundays, if you do an 8 PM show on a day that you are off, you won’t be able to dial in to the switchboard let alone talk coherently on the air.  Don’t get all gushy and thank me, but Sundays are all yours from now on Matt-Man.”

And there you have it.

So…Join us LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET as we go primetime and look back on 2013 and look ahead to 2014 during the IWS Radio 2014: Bigger and Stoopider show.

Me, Jay, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Rev. Moneymaker, Drew Peacock, Dana, Malcolm Eckstein, and a host of others will be on hand to celebrate the New Year and Kwanzaa!!

To join us LIVE this Sunday, you can click HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

People I Can't Get Enough Of

Last night on Facebook, I asked for suggestions as to what to write about for today, and I received a modicum of suggestions, but none better than the one provided by Jayman.

After last week of the IWS site trumpeting posts about people and things that Jay and I have had enough of, Jayman thought that perhaps I could write about people and things of which I cannot get enough.

Say no more Jayman, and let’s get to it!!

First and foremost, and without hesitation…My best friend evah, the uber-lovely Schmoopster.

Ahhhhhhh, Schmoop.  I enjoy how she never tires of making fun of me and telling me what an egotistic asshole I am, but…She never fails to impart that fact upon me without love. And well…she may be the only person I have ever known where I can just sit with her, say a nary a word all night, and consider it a good time.  I love her.

Of course there is also the aforementioned Jayman. He is one funny fucker, and you people don’t know the half of it.  Oh the things I could tell you, but I won’t, because, well…I like him, and respect him and his love of history, because I am a history FREAK as well.  I like Jayman so much that I overlook his taste for Vienna Sausages.  Man, those are as nasty as Jayman is a sweetheart.  Uuch.

How can I do a post about people that I cannot get enough of without mentioning Missy?  She is one hot Miss. Ha.  See what I did there?  Miss is one of my best friends ever and has the uncanny knack of offering up quotes which when taken out of context, are hilarious (see right sidebar).  And well…she’s hot.

You know who else I can’t get enough of?  Katherine Webb.  She is so hot and talented.  I found this out the other day when my TV told me so.  She is just so super crazy good looking and knows how to work a microphone.

I can’t wait for her insight on the Super Bowl which she will cover for Inside Edition.  I bet she will have it going on, and probably win a Peabody Award like Bill O’Reilly did.  She’s…that…good.

Seriously though?

I can’t get enough of Jon Meacham.  I love him and hate him at the same time.  He's 43, acts likes he’s 63, and has an IQ of 8,000.  He is my man crush.  I only wish he would add an “h” to the spelling of his name.

Chrissie Hynde and Dolores O’Riordan.  If someone pulled a Manti Te’o on me and lied to me by saying that those two vixens were coming over for a three way with me, I would have a stroke due to all the blood rushing from my brain down to my naughty bits.  I listen to those two every night on You Tube.

SPAM, Johnsonville Brats, and Hamburger Helper, they're not people, but…Love them all. You say it’s not good for me?  Maybe not, but try to tell me that when I am sopping up the residue of each with a heavily buttered Pillsbury Grands biscuit..  Uh-huh, thought so.

Eh, there a lot of things of which I can’t get enough, but mainly, I can never have to much friendship, and I have received  a lot of that lately, especially through the recent, "Schmoop Scare of Aught 12."  I like it, and thank you.

I can be one sarcastic prick, but really?  I treasure my friends, and while I can be a jerk from time to time even where my friends are involved, well…I love you guys and can't get enough of you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Annnnnd...If you missed the IWS Radio Show LIVE on Saturday, you can catch all the angst ridden hilarity right c'here...

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Brick and Mortar Friends...Meet Virtual Friends. You Both Are Awesome!!

Cheers Chuckleheads and Happy Friday to you all.

The past couple of days both on the IWS website and Wednesday’s IWS Radio show, Jayman and I covered the topic of Human Trafficking.  It is an important topic to cover, to expose, and we are glad that we did, but, well?

It’s not the most joy inducing topic to cover, so today?  I’m going to write about something that is just plain syrupy sweet, and smile bearing.

Many of you know that my BFF/OSP got very sick in late October, had major surgery in mid-December which was quite successful by the way, but we had an incredibly difficult time getting unemployment for her due her to her dickhead of a boss and thus she had and has, yet to receive any type of paycheck or unemployment compensation since November 9th.

Prior to her illness, Schmoop and I had it going on financially.  We had just paid off the car, and while not rich or even well off, we were, “we can occasionally order a pizza on a weekday without the worry if we have the money” comfortable.

And then…

Like many Americans, our financial comfort zone, which relies on two people working to make ends meet and occasionally having the aforementioned pizza, took a nosedive due to an illness.

With this knowledge in hand, my dear friend and radio partner Jayman, along with the wonderful, yet never get drunk with her on your couch, Dana, set up the WeLoveSchmoop fund on PayPal, in hopes of getting Schmoop and I through the time until she would get some type of compensation.

Well, you lovable incorrigibles, it worked!!

Schmoop is going back to work for 25 hours a week for awhile starting Monday.  Yes, we could fight the appeal to her unemployment leveled by her inconsiderate, and selfish boss, and win, but that could take another six weeks, and we can’t afford that, but…

Thanks to Jayman and Dana starting the WeLoveSchmoop fund, we can somewhat relax, thank them, and thank all of you for your generous response to it.

Because of your kindness, we made our December rent, our bills, and we should squeak by this month as well. And for that, and to all of you, we are eternally grateful.

In addition to Jay and Dana who began the fund, I want to thank those of you who contributed, but in order to avoid awkwardness, I will thank you by first name only.

Jamie, Katherine, Mike, Dana, Jon, Jay, Katherine, Russel, Sherri, Angie, Rene, LMT, Linda, Kelley, (a different) Katherine, and Sarah.

We would not have made it if it weren't for the generosity of you fine folks, so may your God bless you, and thank you.

In addition to all of you, Schmoop’s brother David and my brothers were incalculably helpful and thoughtful throughout this situation. So to them, as I would say to any good Irish Catholic man…L’chaim, and Praise Blitzkrieg Benny!!

I also want to thank all of the neighborhood Beer Mine patrons for bringing me food (yes, even the deer meat, D-Law), and affording me rides home from work as David drove Schmoop to C-Bus and stayed in Columbus with Schmoop the entire time, leaving me transportationless.

I thank all of my friends on Facebook for the kind words and especially the words from Stephen and Emily, who knowing me from nowhere else other than Facebook, offered to let me stay with them while Schmoop was in the hospital and the hospital was close to their home.  That…is…kindness.

Lastly, I would like to thank a former IWS guest and one of IWS’ best friends, Missalicious.

Throughout this entire ordeal, especially during the days prior to the surgery when no one knew if it was cancerous or not; be it on Facebook or over the phone, Miss would talk to me everyday, and she made sure we had Thanksgiving dinner.

So to all of you wonderful people, Schmoop and I say thanks, and you better make damn sure, that if you ever need help in a situation like this, let us know, because we will pay it forward.

Cheers and Thank You,

Matt-Man (and Schmoop...by Proxy)

mattmaniws@ymail.com
MattMan_IWS

MSJS 2013

Matt gives you Cliffs Notes.  Jay gives you Cliffs Notes.  You, pass the test.

Y’know what?  Some people think it’s easy to be an international internet radio star, but really?  It’s not.  For instance…

Jayman and I talked on the phone yesterday in order to come up with new topic ideas that would continue to provide you with quality entertainment at a fair price over the course of 2013.

Allow me to illustrate how tough it can be as I transcribe parts of our aforementioned phone call…

Matt:  So…this Saturday…What should we do?
Jay:  I dunno.  It’s January and the physical clift problem has been solved, so there isn't much going on.
Matt:  I know.
Jay:  We could piss Schmoop off by doing another Joke Show.
Matt:  No…She’s pissed off enough today.  It’s only 10:30 and she’s already told me to go to hell 3 times.
Jay:  That’s unfortunate.  I hate it when sick women begin to recover from their ailments.

See what I mean?  Even Schmoop, whom we both love and adore, provided us with no help other than saying...

“You two buffoons want a show topic?  How about a topic revolving around as to how tired of your show I am, and I wish you guys would just end it?”

See folks?

Comments like that are not helpful, even if Schmoop did later retract her comment by using her oh so overused, and pedestrian, “I have three tubes jutting out of my stomach.” defense.

Of course this line of conversation gave rise to an idea in Jayman’s mind…

Jay:  Y’know…We could do a three way show.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  Yeah…Schmoop and Miss could talk.  Or Jo and Warrior Kat could talk.
Matt:  That’s hot.
Jay:  I know right?

Of course, I talked to our lemonade friend Missy and to Schmoop about this idea and what did they do?

Uh-huh…They shot it down.  Prudes.  So, we were left with few ideas, however…As dickhead Sean Hannity would say, “Do not let your heart be troubled.”

Eventually, Jayman and I did come up with some great show ideas.  No, seriously.

This coming Wednesday, January 9th at 11 AM ET, we have a guest lined-up who will discuss the hideous problem of Human Trafficking.

On Saturday January 12th at 11 PM ET, Jayman and I will be doing a “local news” show, as we illustrate how screwed up our communities are.

And hopefully, on either January 30th at 11 AM or Saturday February 2 at 11 PM we will have a VERY special guest on with us who will  help to make your Super Bowl Party menu tasty and surreal.

See?  We’re not just a couple of adorable goofballs, babies…We plan this stuff out!!*

And …If you’d like to be a guest on our show or have a show topic idea, get a hold of either one of us.  We are always open to new ideas, new guests, and new and interesting sexual propositions and positions.

Oh and by the way…Today’s show?

It’s all about HEARTACHE.

We will be talking heartache that we have personally endured and talking heartache we would like to impart upon others, so join us LIVE tonight Saturday January 5th at 11 PM ET as we let our souls bleed.

Join the IWS Radio fun LIVE tonight at 11 PM ET by clicking HERE, and/or by calling in with your personal heartache at 661.244.9852.

Cheers!!

* to a degree

Schadenfreude

Hi Kidz.  I know this is late but, I got up at 5:38 AM on Sunday, did a radio show, and my brother came over, I had a fridge full of beer, and THAT..?

That is not a good combination for meeting a Midnight deadline.

Anyhoo, here’s the thing.  We’re Number One.  IWS Radio is Number One today, was yesterday, and looking at yesterday’s initial show numbers, that show will be Number One in the near future.

Hell.  Our shows have hit Number One in the Blog Talk Radio Comedy category every day for the past month.

But…Success is a double-edged sword.  While many folks love us, others who burn with inglorious envy, dream to take us down, and invoke the self-serving power of…

Schadenfreude

Yes my friends, during yesterday’s IWS Open Phone Line Sunday Show, hundreds listened live and several inglorious bastards called-in in order to belittle us, throw us off our Number One game, and denigrate us.

It was, in a word, hurtful.

However, we adapted, overcame, and sallied forth with our mission of providing quality entertainment at a fair price.

Being the professionals that Jayman and I are, phone calls sullied with contempt for our achievements cannot keep us from filling your Sundays and Wednesdays with a smile, nor a laugh, or merely a chuckle.

We…are…that…good.  And Number One as well.  Have I mentioned that?

On the upside, our IWS friend and uber-hottie Missy, had her daughter Regan call-in and tell us of her trick and treating exploits which was quite nice, and…

We spent some time talking to the baaaaaaaad boy of Social Media, Dr. Mike Sevilla, who while not providing a diagnosis for our sickly friend Schmoop, was as charming as always.

So, if you care to hear what a Number One BTR show sounds like, listen to yesterday’s show and hear why others of lesser talent are hating us, envying us, and want to be like us.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Babe of the Week: Stacy Keibler and George Clooney? WTF?

Now dig it...It's not that George Clooney doesn't already have everything in the world available to him...Now rumor has it that Stacy Keibler is moving in with him...

I mean c'mon...Stacy Keibler?  She's nasty looking...

For heaven's sakes...Why would George Clooney want a chick like Stacy Keibler?

It's not like this WWE chick is anything special...

Pffffft....I don't understand the attraction, but what I do understand is that Jay and I will be interviewing this hot babe today LIVE at Noon ET on Blog Talk Radio....

Damn right...IWS is proud to welcome the uber-lovely Missalicious to the studios to chat it up on your Sunday afternoon.

For those of you out there, who say, "This could only happen to me?"  You listen to Miss today, and you are going to go..."Holy Cow, that could only happen to her!!"

She's hot, funny, and has a lot a stories to tell, so join us LIVE Today at Noon Et on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents.....One HOT MISS.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Groupies...We Want Them...Now!!

Cheers, Hola, and Happy Friiiiiday, Bitches!!

This is the Matt-Man com---oh sorry, this is the IWS website not the radio show.  I apologize.  Sometimes, I forget where I am.

In fact, sometimes I forget who I am, because sometimes I think, dream, and hope that one day I am an uber-famous internet radio star who is involved with the Number One rated comedy show on Blog Talk Radio.

Ha Ha….I am, and true to form, and excellence on Jayman’s and my part, IWS is the Number One rated comedy show on Blog Talk Radio and has been during four of the last six weeks.

Like yeah….and Word!!  So shut up, haters.

Indeed, IWS is Number One, and has been for weeks now, and my cohort Jay and I want a little sumpin’ sumpin’ for our efforts.  We can’t figure out how to make money off our success yet, so Jayman and I thought…

“Hey, if we can’t reap some Benjamins from our show, can we at least secure some sexy groupies who would provide us with cheap, guiltless sex, wholesale-priced booze, and undying adoration?”

In silence, Jay and I, albeit hundreds of miles away from one and other, pondered this, and then simultaneously tweeted to each other…

“Yes.”

Until we make some money off of this venture it would be nice to have some more than moral support in the form of groupies.  And what is a groupie you ask?  Well according to the Urban Dictionary it is…

“The individual, or group of individuals, involved in obsessive adoration of entertainers such as musicians, actors, athletes, and even political figures…often with lustful sentiments.”

Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh….

I think you know what part of that definition Jayman and I are focusing upon, and you know what is funny?  I don’t usually speak on Jayman’s behalf, but I know he is right there with me on this one.

Oh sure… We have chicks who dig us, and find us amusing such as, Miss…

And then there is Sunshine State Shirley (whom I refer to as, Snake) who finds us adorable…

Of course, as much as she makes fun of us, Schmoop thinks we‘re ‘aight…

There is everyone’s favorite IWS 4th of July Girl who always lights it up, Tamra…

And of course, last but never least, and Oh My God, there is the uber-lovely Jooooooooooo…

Sure these more than HOT women like us and like IWS Radio, but?

Jay and I want that obsessive adoration that defines a groupie.  He and I have so little, so seriously?  Is that too much to ask?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Let's Hear it for the Boys

Hola, Cheers, and Hi?  Mischie here for I’m With Stupid.

I want to s….hold on…I have to say first and foremost that I hate the name, Mischie.

I understand why Jayman bequeathed that upon me, but I hate it; however, you can all call me Miss or Missy, or as Matt-Man calls me…

“That chick I wanted to make out with in the janitor’s closet in 7th grade.”

Anyway, tonight as I type this, the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon is going on, and that’s cool, I like helping out people with physical difficulties, however…

Have you ever thought about helping out a couple of kids with emotional difficulties?  With mental difficulties?  With, “I am being exploited” difficulties?

Unfortunately, I have…and yet?

I am going to do something to help a couple of folks who have a more profound problem…two guys who have moral and societal impairments.

This coming Sunday, September 9th, my lazy ass, is going to take itself and my two cute, yet unappreciative of how awesome their mother is daughters of mine outside on the curb, and have a Lemonade/Bake Sale for these two hipster harlequins that we call, Jay and Matt.

I mean c’mon folks, they hit Number One without any help whatsoever from BTR.  Can you imagine if they had 400 dollars in order to become a Premium Show and get advertisements, a rolling ad, and free calls to their guests?

They’d be Number One every fricking week!!  I mean, listen to the show they did yesterday for Godsakes:

Jay and Matt have done their best to be Number One…

Okay maybe not their best, but they take a lot of time to make us laugh or just smile, and I for one, want to make them a premium show so they can do even more. I am going to force my daughters to hold a Bake Sale/Lemonade Stand with me this Sunday, September 9th, and I hope to hell that you do the same.

I am Missy….and I’m With Stupid.

Cheeers!!

Lulu and Lizzy

A wonderful pal of the IWS website and radio show asked if we would give her some time, and of course, because she is uber-hot and listens to us twice a day, we said, "Yes, and we also said, how you doing, baby?"

As a woman who has lost a little sister, a sister who has left behind two daughters no less, one of IWS’ faves, Mischie, has written something for her nieces.

It’s cute as hell, and the story not only speaks to her sister’s kids, but to any child who has ever lost a parent…


A Journey for Lulu and Lizzy

Lulu and Lizzy are little bears with lots of family who love and care,
but Mommy isn’t with them now,
not right here, not right now.

In search of a kinship to their mother; they planned a journey with one another.
They wandered down a little path,
hopes held high, hands still clasped.

A bird was singing in a tree,
she sounded a lovely melody.

They listened with a grateful heart,
her song so soothing right from the start.

They watched the bird fly way up high,
and what was that up in the sky?

A great big rainbow that stretched for miles,
and when they saw it, they had great big smiles.

They climbed across a pile of rocks,
Lulu tore her jeans, and Lizzy tore her socks,

But when they reached the other side,
right before their very eyes,
a single daisy grew in the dirt,
it rose between them, almost a foot.

It grew alone, there were no others.
It was a favorite of their mother’s.

They wandered over to a stream.
They washed their clothes and got them clean.
They leaned against a tree to rest,
and couldn’t believe what they saw next.

A brilliant, sparkling firefly,
it buzzed around; it lit the sky.
She told the bears…

“I’ll lead you home,
no longer will you have to roam.

For she will watch you everyday,
and be proud of you in every way.

She’s not here the way you are,
you cannot see her, but she’s not far.

You are loved, both here and there.
Your family's love is everywhere.

She was here, and still your mother,
and what she gave you, was each other.

Never doubt, that you are loved,
that gift is free from up above."

© 2012 Michelle A. Burr

And folks...after a HUGE show last Sunday, we had one this Sunday...Mainly, it was huge because Matt-Man wasn't involved.  Jayman got hot and heavy with the Schmoop and they lit it up, so give it a listen:

Poetry 'n' Such With Paul Piatt

Gentle, yet heartfelt greetings to all of you discerning drinkers of the warm and aromatic coffee of life, that is the IWS website.

Renown poet and IWS Literary Editor, Paul Piatt here once again in order to share with you some of today’s finest in the world of poetry, prose, and people.

I was at odds as to what to pen for today’s literary repast, when while catching up on my scheduled reading, I intersected with Matthew-Man’s eloquent and deliciously ribald entry from Monday, which with exacerbated clarity, he spoke of his of his friendship with a woman who is neither his wife nor his girlfriend seemingly lovely muse named, Miss.

Upon completion of the reading of his witty musings, a spontaneous bolt of serendipity struck my creative juices and they began to boil over into a bisque of beauty and beneficence that is today’s offering.

You see, I too, have a special friend…a friend that has for years, and will for years to come, be the pacemaker of my heart, the peacekeeper of my soul, and in more colloquial terms, my pal o' pals.

His name is Thomas Dylan, a more than spectacular poet in his own right, and we recently reconnected after weeks of painful, personal, and professional separation.

As the comical kismet of irony would have it, we ran into each other this past Monday which would have been Tennyson’s 203rd birthday, at The Lady of Sha-Latte Coffee House in Yellow Springs, Ohio.

Oh my goodness.  Only my haughty stoicism and introspective nature prevent me from publicly laughing with vigor and alacrity over the myriad of ironic vagaries that could be made as a result of our jocular concurrence.

Thomas Dylan and I have known each other for nearly fifty years, and get together often, however, recently there developed an abyss between us that was perpetrated by a deep and profound tragedy in Thomas’ life.

He at long last, graciously shared his feelings with me Monday in the form of a hauntingly beautiful, yet painful poem that he recently penned…

The Greyhound Has No Eyes

Somewhere between dusk and dawn,
lies the night.

The night.
Where underneath its ebony foulard,
lies the “me.”

The me.
A creature blinded by darkness and fear,
awaits the dawn.

The dawn.
Illuminates my heartache as I rise once again,
to catch the bus.

The bus.
Rabid, speedy, and clad in steel; which ran over my lover,
six months ago.

Six months ago.
The last time I laughed.
The last time I loved.
The last time I lived.

© 2012 Thomas Dylan

You can read more of my friend Thomas Dylan’s work in his new book, Life is not Fare.

Also, I will be back here next month with a few excerpts from my newest, soon to released book of poetry…

Crabcakes and Unicycles

And now gentle readers, I bid you adieu, and look forward to once again offering you the best of the written word.

For now, as I travel the road less traveled,

Paul Piatt

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Oh My God, Miss!!

Awhile back, Jayman introduced us all to his mean, troublesome, imaginary friend named, If.

Well, I have a friend I would like to introduce to you as well…

And while she is not imaginary, based upon what I am about to tell you about her, you would think she is, but no my friends, no.  She is all too real.

Her name is Missy, which of course is short for Melissa, well in most instances, however in this case, it is short for Michelle, because there was an obscure state law written in 1965 that required every graduating class of 1983 to consist of no fewer than 48 Missys, and being one shy, my friend was chosen to be the 48th Missy.

Of course around here at the Bagwine digs and within the confines of the IWS Media World Headquarters she is simply known as, Miss.

Personally, however, I refer to her as, Oh My God Miss, and let me tell you why.  I have never met a person who has had so many bad, strange, hilarious, and painful things happen to him or her in one, yet unfinished lifetime!!

And after each story she tells about her life’s happy accidents, I always say, “Oh My God Miss.”

Why?  Now dig it…

After a somewhat uneventful first seven years of life, Missy who was eight at the time, was enjoying a break from the teachings of a Catholic Jesus wannabe at St. Teresa Church while attending CCD classes.

The soon to be soldiers of Christ were playing dodge ball in God’s gym when a devil girl broke Missy’s arm in three places.  After a week in traction and nearly losing her arm to the less than healing powers of 1974 medical techniques, she survived.

All was well until three years later…When our sweet, sweet Miss turned 11, and life once again spiraled out of control.

Summer fun turned to embarrassment and heartache when while riding her bike down the busy street of Harding Rd. with her friend Amy, her jeans became entangled in the angry chain of her bicycle.

Unable to free herself, Amy went to get Missy’s mom and her mom, and together, with one mom holding up a towel to prevent a public viewing along the busy avenue, the other mom de-jeaned and then re-jeaned our tearful and woeful Miss.

I’m not sure because her personal tragedies comes so fast and furious, but this may have been the same summer that two of Missy’s friends tied her to a tether ball pole while they played a rousing match of said tether ball.

Poor Miss…she still weeps softly when she re-lives the sound of the whizzing and whirling of the cord and air-filled spheroid buzzing around her unjustly incarcerated body and incredibly vulnerable head.

And then that same year…three days before Christmas no less, our Miss was skating with a giant jawbreaker in her mouth when through an angry God’s intervention, a man fell in front of her, causing her to fall, and then a man behind her to fall on her.

She broke her jaw in three places, however, thankfully, the jawbreaker survived.

After seven and a half hours in surgery with her now all too familiar, 1974 medical team, her jaw was wired shut and saved, so she could one day experience the beauty that is speech.  However…

As Christmas turned in to the New Year and she went back to school, cruelty reared its ugly head…

Everyday at lunch, Missy’s friend, Ashlyn, would forcibly attempt to shove Doritos into her wired shut pie hole.

As Missy’s friend, I laugh cry openly when thinking of Missy’s eyes wide open in fear of being terminally asphyxiated by a Frito Lay product.

All of this and she was only eleven.  There’s much more to her story, but the word count grows long, so I will bring you more of Miss next month, but in the meantime, I will say this…

In spite of the wackiness that has and will undoubtedly happen to her in the future, she is a sweetheart, a devoted supporter of our IWS show and website, and a chick whom I just love to pieces, and call my friend.

So here’s to Miss and more of Miss in the future and in the meantime, you can listen to the IWS Radio Show we did yesterday.

It was all about the angst that exists on Social Media sites.  Let me tell ya, if nothing else, forward to minute 19 and go from there.  Things start a happening:

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws