Oh My God, Miss!!

Awhile back, Jayman introduced us all to his mean, troublesome, imaginary friend named, If.

Well, I have a friend I would like to introduce to you as well…

And while she is not imaginary, based upon what I am about to tell you about her, you would think she is, but no my friends, no.  She is all too real.

Her name is Missy, which of course is short for Melissa, well in most instances, however in this case, it is short for Michelle, because there was an obscure state law written in 1965 that required every graduating class of 1983 to consist of no fewer than 48 Missys, and being one shy, my friend was chosen to be the 48th Missy.

Of course around here at the Bagwine digs and within the confines of the IWS Media World Headquarters she is simply known as, Miss.

Personally, however, I refer to her as, Oh My God Miss, and let me tell you why.  I have never met a person who has had so many bad, strange, hilarious, and painful things happen to him or her in one, yet unfinished lifetime!!

And after each story she tells about her life’s happy accidents, I always say, “Oh My God Miss.”

Why?  Now dig it…

After a somewhat uneventful first seven years of life, Missy who was eight at the time, was enjoying a break from the teachings of a Catholic Jesus wannabe at St. Teresa Church while attending CCD classes.

The soon to be soldiers of Christ were playing dodge ball in God’s gym when a devil girl broke Missy’s arm in three places.  After a week in traction and nearly losing her arm to the less than healing powers of 1974 medical techniques, she survived.

All was well until three years later…When our sweet, sweet Miss turned 11, and life once again spiraled out of control.

Summer fun turned to embarrassment and heartache when while riding her bike down the busy street of Harding Rd. with her friend Amy, her jeans became entangled in the angry chain of her bicycle.

Unable to free herself, Amy went to get Missy’s mom and her mom, and together, with one mom holding up a towel to prevent a public viewing along the busy avenue, the other mom de-jeaned and then re-jeaned our tearful and woeful Miss.

I’m not sure because her personal tragedies comes so fast and furious, but this may have been the same summer that two of Missy’s friends tied her to a tether ball pole while they played a rousing match of said tether ball.

Poor Miss…she still weeps softly when she re-lives the sound of the whizzing and whirling of the cord and air-filled spheroid buzzing around her unjustly incarcerated body and incredibly vulnerable head.

And then that same year…three days before Christmas no less, our Miss was skating with a giant jawbreaker in her mouth when through an angry God’s intervention, a man fell in front of her, causing her to fall, and then a man behind her to fall on her.

She broke her jaw in three places, however, thankfully, the jawbreaker survived.

After seven and a half hours in surgery with her now all too familiar, 1974 medical team, her jaw was wired shut and saved, so she could one day experience the beauty that is speech.  However…

As Christmas turned in to the New Year and she went back to school, cruelty reared its ugly head…

Everyday at lunch, Missy’s friend, Ashlyn, would forcibly attempt to shove Doritos into her wired shut pie hole.

As Missy’s friend, I laugh cry openly when thinking of Missy’s eyes wide open in fear of being terminally asphyxiated by a Frito Lay product.

All of this and she was only eleven.  There’s much more to her story, but the word count grows long, so I will bring you more of Miss next month, but in the meantime, I will say this…

In spite of the wackiness that has and will undoubtedly happen to her in the future, she is a sweetheart, a devoted supporter of our IWS show and website, and a chick whom I just love to pieces, and call my friend.

So here’s to Miss and more of Miss in the future and in the meantime, you can listen to the IWS Radio Show we did yesterday.

It was all about the angst that exists on Social Media sites.  Let me tell ya, if nothing else, forward to minute 19 and go from there.  Things start a happening:

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws