What IWS Fans Are Saying

Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Let's Make 2014 the Year of the Quitter!

Holaaaaaaaaaa! Yesterday Matt-Man posted his 2014 BucketList. I was going to do the same today, but decided to do something a bit different. Instead of making resolutions about the things I’m going to do, I’m going to invite everyone to join me in doing something: LET’S QUIT!

That’s right kids, I’m encouraging myself and everyone else to be a quitter…



- Let’s all quit bitching and whining about every little thing.

- Let’s all quit being all OUTRAGED at shit that has no effect on our lives.

- Let’s all quit deciding if something is “good” or “bad” based on our political world view.

- Let’s all quit being negative about EVERY GODDAM LITTLE BITTY THING.

- Let’s quit getting pissed off when someone is getting something we don’t think they DESERVE.

- Let’s quit pushing our religious beliefs on others.

- Let’s quit being intolerant of people of faith.

- Let’s quit being racist, bigoted, homophobic assholes.

- Let’s quit telling other people how to live their lives.

- Let’s quit feeding the trolls.

- Let’s quit being so politically correct all the time.

- Let’s quit holding others to standards we don’t hold ourselves to.

- Let’s quit accepting the dumbing down of America.


- Let’s quit giving people a pass for being shitty to others.

- Let’s quit ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT THE CHEEEELDRIN!

- Let’s quit paying so much attention to the carnival barkers who host cable TV “news” shows.

- Let’s quit getting all butt-hurt when someone doesn’t like the band, movie, TV show or sports team we like.

- Let’s quit being so damn judgmental.

- Let’s quit being angry when good things happen to other people.

- Let’s quit bashing success.

- Let’s quit being so selfish.

- Let’s quit being haters.

- Let’s quit being so damn impatient.

- Let's quit being so miserable all the time.

- Let’s quit settling for less than we deserve.

Let’s just fucking quit! Happy New Year everyone!





Thursday, December 5, 2013

Springfield Icon and Adored Secret Santa, Dead at Age 67

(AP) Springfield, Ohio
Chuck Abernathy, Reporter

“Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many, and his passing will be felt the world 'round.”

That was the comment from one, Dex Lexler.  Mr. Lexler age 51, was a close friend to Springfield, Ohio icon and self-proclaimed Santa, Harley Rusbam, also known as Bagwine Kringle, and more simply, BK.

Mr. Rubsam, 67, of 819 Cedar St., was pronounced dead yesterday at Springfield Regional Medical Center due to an accidental ingestion of fish bones.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves”, Tina Trinity and the aforementioned Mr. Lexlar, were hurriedly wrapping Christmas presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Ms. Trinity and Mr. Dexler selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Bagwine Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone.  When Dexlar and Trinity returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Mr. Lexlar called the paramedics while Tina attempted to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that was described as, “a poorly made Sterno sauce with a stench reminiscent of Steel Reserve urine.”

Although nearing death, Bagwine Kringle was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is, “Bowling Ball.” Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary.  Some women can spread their legs incapably wide, but Tina, she can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or “Sarge”, as BK called him.  Dex was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

True, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. The two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they used to be…or something like that.

When paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his one good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge ‘n’ Tina.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You

Cheeeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

Do you realize what day it is?  It’s exactly three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, and I always observe December 3rd as my…

What Do I Want for Christmas Day!!

Why do I observe such a day three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, you ask?

Well…

Three weeks may be plenty for a normal person to decide what they want for Christmas, but as I am one who procrastinates, that extra day provides me with a much needed buffer between Christmas joy and being left with an empty feeling when I receive nothing but leftover love from my son on Christmas, as Jay and I discussed on Sunday’s, IWS Radio broadcast.

Anyhoo…

If I really were to want something for Christmas, I would want a Grade A microphone/headset combination.  I mean, the one I have is okay, but it sounds “tinny” no matter what adjustments I make to it.  I have a whiny voice to begin with and the tinny sounding microphone doesn't help to improve my voice nor my rep.

New speakers for my computer would be nice as well.  The speakers that I currently have, are getting a little tired.  I think that perhaps, too many Stubby Stonehenge replays through their tiny tweeters and woofers have distorted their sound.  Yeah, new speakers would be nice.

There’s one last thing I would like…okay two actually.

A block of Velveeta “cheese”, and a Cassano’s pizza or sub.

I know…boring, right?

Perhaps to some of the younger hipsters, but I have discovered something as I type this two months shy of my 49th birthday.  As I get older, Christmas means something much different than it did when I was a kid or even ten years ago.

I’m not talking about having a liturgical type of religious experience or anything, but Christmas has become, in a way, a time of year and day, that as my age rears its ugly head, a time that I also recognize all of the old friendships that grace my life.

The first time that Christmas made me feel old was about ten years ago.  My mom called me and asked what I would like for Christmas.  I didn't ask for a cool and hip toy, game, or latest what have ya like I did when I was a kid.  Noooooooo…I said to Mom…

“I could really use some new socks, or maybe a new white dress shirt, or a tie.”

IKR?  That’s pretty sexy.  Nearly as sexy as wanting a block of Velveeta or a Cassano’s pizza, but here’s the thing.

As I get older, if someone asks me what I would like for Christmas, it is always something I need, because as for me, the excitement of Christmas has become not the gift, but the rekindling and reconnecting with people that I like and I love.

My favorite part of Christmas is going to my brother’s house on Christmas Eve and partying with my family, all the while exchanging gift cards that we would probably buy ourselves for ourselves, and then…

Spending Christmas Day with Schmoop as we play music, eat way too much, drink way too much, and laugh way too much (if that’s possible) all damn day.

I don’t believe that Christmas as observed is the actual day of the birth of Jesus, and I do believe that if Christ were alive today, he would be appalled by its celebration, but I do think one thing.

Be it a hoax, a religious event, a secularist party, or just another day on the calendar, Christmas is an excellent time and/or excuse to reconnect with, and drunk dial those you love.

And if that’s all Christmas truly is, I like that…a lot.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page    

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Matt Said, Jay Said...9373241798

Matt winces...Jay shudders...You see exactly why they are doing that.

Matt:  Wassssssssup!?
Jay:  Aren't we a little old to be answering the phone with, “Wasssssssup?”
Matt:  Oh I don’t know.  I guess. Maybe?  What?
Jay:  I don’t know…say what you want, I’m just feeling  a little…a little…um…
Matt:  A little what?

Jay:  Oh hell…and don’t make fun of me, but I’m beginning to question who I am and where I came from.
Matt:  What?  They don’t teach that in Arkansas?
Jay:  See?  You’re doing it again!!  It’s like--
Matt:  I’m sorry, please continue and I’ll be a most affectionate and attentive listener.

Jay:  Alright then…Don’t you ever wonder how you got to the point in your life at which you are?
Matt:  I try not to, because that is one ugly road map, but yes.
Jay:  And have you ever wondered where you will be in five or ten years.
Matt:  I do, but it usually involves me being buried next to my brothers, so I try to think of other things.
Jay:  I too think of those things.
Matt:  I can tell, and you do it with a Shakespearean cadence in your voice, and it’s hot.
Jay:  Me thanks you.

Matt: Sooooooooo, what should we talk about this Sunday on the show?
Jay:  Don’t you get it man!?  We should talk about our lives and why and how the way they are!!
Matt:  You mean, like open up about ourselves?
Jay:  Yes!!  Talk about our past failures and how we long for future glory.
Matt:  You mean, and do it in an honest sense?
Jay:  Hell Yeah!!  We all have regrets and future hopes that shape our lives.  Let’s lay them out there.

Matt:  That’s like being completely naked in front of a world wide audience.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  That’s kinda hot.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  So in order to go full frontal introspection, we should be naked during the show.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  Oh sorry…Yes we should.

Matt:  Sounds good, and maybe Guy Ahnyurdyck and Paul Piatt could weigh in with some introspection!!
Jay:  And Rev. Moneymaker and Bobby Kraft as well.
Matt:  And you know…Schmoop has a very compelling, “how I got to this point in my life” story.
Jay:  From what I know of you…er…I mean, know of her story…it’s not pretty.
Matt:  No…no it’s not.

Jay:  So?  Are you ready to do the, Who Am I and Why Am I Here show on IWS Radio this Sunday?
Matt:  Physically, yes I am.  Emotionally?  It could be very painful.
Jay:  Excellent.  I hope you, or I, or both of us break down.  That would be awesome for ratings.
Matt:  If that happens, as soon as I uncoil from my fetal position, I will thank everyone.
Jay:  We give our bodies.  We give our time.  We give our humor.  This Sunday…we give our souls.

Matt:  I love you.
Jay:  I love you too.
Matt:  Let’s get reaaaaaaaaaady to catharsisiiiiiiiize!!
Jay:  Boooooooo Yah!!

To listen to the IWS Radio Show LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio just click HERE.

And if you’d like to share YOUR life’s road map, victories, and heartaches, you can call-in at 661.244.9852.

Monday, June 17, 2013

The EAS Warning Tone is the Soundtrack of My Life

Cheers Bitches and suck it!!  Yeah that’s right…

I said that, and you know?

While I haven’t said that in quite awhile, after Jayman happily graciously bringing some things to my attention on the air yesterday during our IWS Radio Manabration broadcast, I should say that more often.

During our opening witty banter yesterday, Jayman pointed out to me that during our nearly three years on the air, a number of things have transpired in my life that are less than pleasant, and promulgate the theory that a metaphoric cloud does indeed hang above my head.

Since the inception of our radio show on August 29, 2010 Jayman noted that the following things have happened in my life…

My brother John died.

I was laid off for awhile.

Schmoop underwent a traumatic medical scare and subsequent major surgery that put her out of commission, unemployed, and in the dumps for several months.

Drive-By Mikey, the Beer Mine owner and my boss, lost his dad and his Mother-in-Law.

My brother Vince died.

Annnnnd as Jayman laughingly soberly pointed out…Schmoop and I had broken up and reunited 114 times.

What the hell?  Why do these things always happen to me?  These people dying, laying me off, and rebuking my undying love, are beginning to piss me off, damn it!!

It makes me realize that there isn’t a mere cloud that hangs above my head; it’s a super cell thunderstorm pregnant with the rain of ruination, lachrymose lightning strikes, and hailstones of heartache.  It’s a sad, sad situation, my friends.

I met the new year, this year, 2013 with hope as I knew that this is the Year of the Snake.  I mentioned back in February on our radio show that since I was born in the Year of the Snake, this was going to be MY YEAR.

I went on to state that especially this summer, the one that is but days away, was going to be the Summer of Matt, and guess what?

Last night I was writing about what I plan to do and/or accomplish during the Summer of Matt, but guess what happened at 11:34 PM yesterday.

I fricking assidently deleted the damn essay!!  Ha!!  Of course I did!!  Why wouldn’t I?

It’s very understandable why I did delete it.  My fingers slipped on the keyboard as the super cell thunderstorm above my head was raining ruination down upon me.

So last night after that unforeseen, yet totally expected incident in my life, I shut down the computer, took God’s name in vain, ate a most excellent hoagie, and then went to bed.

Sometimes I think I should just give up, but Jayman pointed out something to me yesterday during his listing of my maladies, that gives me hope.

He reminded me that summer doesn’t officially begin until this coming Friday, so it may very well still be the Summer of Matt.

I am going to cling to that shred of hope like grim death, well…

Until I wake up Friday morning, slip on the hailstones dropping from the metaphoric storm over my head, trip over the coffee table, and break my coccyx.

Uuch…I need to buy a metaphoric umbrella.

But in the meantime, I, as you should do as well, will listen to our IWS Radio Manabration show that aired yesterday.  It was good stuff, and you can catch all the hilarity right here:


Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Monday, April 1, 2013

Patience Is a Virtue

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Today, I want to talk about patience.  Not patience with things because I will have none of that, but rather…


Patience with people.


Believe it or not, I get compliments from many people on my patience.  Ironically, people think I am a sarcastic asshole, ha!!  If I actually had only half the patience that I do with people, you probably would have been insulted over the years.  Wait!? What!?


Anyhoo…


This came up yesterday on Twitter and Facebook, because well….I brought it up.


For the last twelve years that I have lived with my Schmoop, Ryno has never been here, and he has never seen me, other than the times that I have gone to his house (which used to be mine) or at a sporting event in which he was and/or is participating.


I have often laughed about this myself, but don’t you (especially you mothers) find this crazy?


I have always wanted my son to come over. I love him….He’s funny…He’s me…but no…


I get, 


“You live with a whore who had absolutely nothing to do with the break-up of our marriage which I refuse to divorce you from so, no….Ryno cannot come over and play."


I am not too far from the truth in that statement and when I think of that I find it even more ironic because said Mom is against Gay Marriage, but by God….“I will defend mine until one of us dies!!”


Uuch…The thing is…In tow months our sn will be 18 and graduated and I don’t HAVE to pay anything to them, but…


I’m Matt-Man and of course I will, but how much, and how so?


Currently I pay her $135.00 a week.  I am told, considering what I make, is very nice…and that was directed through a wink from a woman toward another woman in need…


Anyhoo…


My point is…I only have two more months of this and I have been putting up with it, for twelve years!!


My best friend ever, has for twelve years, seen me cry, rampage, and otherwise turn the world on its head over the lack of seeing my son and yet a stipend…And now?


The end is in sight.  I can pay or not soon.  I choose to pay and help him for college, but you know what?


I choose to help him out all I can, but…


He’s gonna have to come to the Bagwine digs to get it.


Cheers!!


Matt-Man


And by the way ....Jayman and I did an excellent Radio Show yesterday, full of God, Jesus, Easter, and on HOT Mrs. Mike!!  To listen to it in in archives click HERE.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I AM Everyone's Cup of Tea!!

Cheeeeeeeers Bitches!!

I don’t read a lot of blogs because well, as a famous internet radio star, my time is very limited, but yesterday I saw a link to a blog post pop up on Twitter that was written by none other than IWS’ favorite foil…

Dana Lu.

She wrote about how she wasn’t, “everyone’s cup of tea.”  She didn’t seem to mind that, but I thought the entire post to be sad, because, well…

I AM everyone’s cup of tea.

No, it’s true, and of course, you probably already knew that. I mean, who doesn’t like me?  Amirite?  Uh-huh.

Ohhhhhhh, there are a few doubters out there who don’t believe me, are there?  Let me tell ya…

Now dig it, let’s just start with my name, Matthew.  Do you know what the name Matthew translates to in Hebrew?

“Gift of Fucking God.”

Okay, I added the, “Fucking” for emphasis, but nonetheless, I am a gift…of God.  And if HE thinks of me as a gift to y’all, I must be pretty damn special from the get go.

But seriously…think about it.  Here’s this bald guy (moi), with a beer gut, bad eyesight, and waiting on dentures, running around Bagwine, Ohio like a crazy man driving the men and women wild.  It’s crazy!!

Well, maybe for a lesser man who isn’t everyone’s cup of tea it is.  But for me, even without my yet to come dental implants and oft times abrasive attitude, I am everyone’s Darjeeling, Orange Pekoe, and/or Irish Blend Breakfast Tea.

In fact from now on, I don’t want to be referred to as Matt-Man.  Knowing that I am everyone’s cup of tea, I want to be from here on out, lauded, Lorded, and referred to as, Earl Grey.

Yeah…I think I like that.

My boss at the Beer Mine always tells me…“What the hell is it with you Mahoney?  You’re just so likeable, and I don’t like anyone.”

When I worked as a Union Rep for SEIU, I represented the 600 Adult Parole Authority officers in Ohio.  One very outspoken one, an Italian guy from Youngstown named Sam Mariani who both loved and hated the union one day said to me…

“Y’know?  We had shitty union reps until you came along, and even though you are Irish, I’d take bullet for you Mahoney.”

And you know what just happened folks?  When I typed the Sam Mariani quote, I was going to continue on with some more funny proof as to why I am “everyone’s cup of tea”, but…

When I typed that out, I could not only hear, but I could see Sam and I in the bar when he said that to me, and well, Sam passed away all too young some seven or eight years ago.

So my sarcastic tea rant took a turn for the melancholy, but it’s not really sad, just bittersweet, because…

While I truly know that like Dana, I am not everyone’s cup of tea as it were, I was, at least for a moment in time, special to an Italian Parole Officer in Youngstown, Ohio who was taken from us all too soon.

And to paraphrase an old saying, you may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but to one person, you are their cup of tea.

And if you are, or know someone who is to you, drink it up while you can.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Monday, August 20, 2012

Lulu and Lizzy

A wonderful pal of the IWS website and radio show asked if we would give her some time, and of course, because she is uber-hot and listens to us twice a day, we said, "Yes, and we also said, how you doing, baby?"

As a woman who has lost a little sister, a sister who has left behind two daughters no less, one of IWS’ faves, Mischie, has written something for her nieces.

It’s cute as hell, and the story not only speaks to her sister’s kids, but to any child who has ever lost a parent…


A Journey for Lulu and Lizzy

Lulu and Lizzy are little bears with lots of family who love and care,
but Mommy isn’t with them now,
not right here, not right now.

In search of a kinship to their mother; they planned a journey with one another.
They wandered down a little path,
hopes held high, hands still clasped.

A bird was singing in a tree,
she sounded a lovely melody.

They listened with a grateful heart,
her song so soothing right from the start.

They watched the bird fly way up high,
and what was that up in the sky?

A great big rainbow that stretched for miles,
and when they saw it, they had great big smiles.

They climbed across a pile of rocks,
Lulu tore her jeans, and Lizzy tore her socks,

But when they reached the other side,
right before their very eyes,
a single daisy grew in the dirt,
it rose between them, almost a foot.

It grew alone, there were no others.
It was a favorite of their mother’s.

They wandered over to a stream.
They washed their clothes and got them clean.
They leaned against a tree to rest,
and couldn’t believe what they saw next.

A brilliant, sparkling firefly,
it buzzed around; it lit the sky.
She told the bears…

“I’ll lead you home,
no longer will you have to roam.

For she will watch you everyday,
and be proud of you in every way.

She’s not here the way you are,
you cannot see her, but she’s not far.

You are loved, both here and there.
Your family's love is everywhere.

She was here, and still your mother,
and what she gave you, was each other.

Never doubt, that you are loved,
that gift is free from up above."

© 2012 Michelle A. Burr

And folks...after a HUGE show last Sunday, we had one this Sunday...Mainly, it was huge because Matt-Man wasn't involved.  Jayman got hot and heavy with the Schmoop and they lit it up, so give it a listen:

Thursday, August 16, 2012

History Repeats, but Perspective Doesn't Always Echo

Happy Thursday kidz, or as I am referring to today as, “Old Folks Day at IWS.”

Yep.  I recently had a few thoughts about growing older, and at the ripe old age of 47, growing older type thoughts creep and sneak their way into my mind more often.

The good thing about that is, as I grow older, my aging mind forgets spontaneous thoughts nearly as fast as they come to mind, but these thoughts?

I wrote them down immediately, because as I am getting older, I knew that two minutes from their inception, I would forget them.

You see…

The other day on Twitter, Jayman and I were discussing his twenty something year old neighbors who are constantly partying it up loudly and obnoxiously.

We began to talk about how we in our forties, can’t do that every night any longer.

I told Jayman that, rest assured I can still party just as intensely as they do, but the duration and frequency of my hoopla is far less, and even on my craziest day of partying, involves a nap at some point.

After we briefly talked about that, I began to think about being forty-seven, and not in a bad way… just thinking about how when I was, say, anywhere from the age of sixteen to twenty-one, how differently I thought being the age of forty-seven would be, and vice-versa.

For instance…

Back in my teens, I never knew that at the age of forty-seven, I would spend Saturday mornings as I exited the bathroom, being asked by a woman if I had a good dump.  Never did I ever imagine that I would be asked in serious and quasi-concerned tone if my dump was, “satisfying.”

Worse yet, I never realized that I would respond in graphic detail as to why it was or was not, a satisfying dump, and neither of us thinking it to to be an awkward question nor response.

I remember being sixteen and having wet dreams…Holy Cow.

I’d wake up in the morning going, “Ewwwww, I’m all matted n’shit.”, and then I'd remember that I got that way because I had nocturnal emission sex with the red head in my HS Biology class.  Mmmmmmmm.

I figured by the time I hit the age of forty-seven, the wet dreams would be long over, but noooooo.  Just the other night, I had one, and I was having sex with the person with whom I live.

I was creeped out for a second, but I felt better knowing that I never at the age of sixteen, had a wet dream involving somebody that I lived with.

That would be creepy because growing up, I had six brothers and two sisters, which back then in the Kentucky Derby of Wet Dreams, would have put me having sex with one of my brothers, as a 1-3 favorite.

I don’t like those odds.  Those odds make me wince, especially if it was my brother Vince.  Uuch.

I never realized back then, that at my current age, a good fart would still be funny.  While they can be as noxious as always, they can still make a happy and lyrical noise.

When I was younger, I used to make fun of my dad for taking a ninety-minute nap every Saturday and Sunday, and now?

I need at least some semblance of a nap everyday, even if only for fifteen minutes.

At twenty or so, I was glad that the acne days were over, and then, they still come back even at my age. Some days now, I’ll look in the mirror and say…

“Holy Shit!!  I have face cancer!!”

Turns out to be just a huge pus-filled zit.  Oy!!

I have no point to today’s meanderings, just pointing out that as we glide along our personal timelines, some things change and some things don't, but it’s all fun, even when irritating at times.

I like being forty-seven, and not because forty-seven is my favorite number or anything; it’s because I like being where I am in life, and who I am surrounded by in my life, and knowing that, for good or bad, it will always be interesting, because…

As we experience new things or look back on hold experiences, as we age, our perspective changes, and in a way, that makes even the past seem new again, and I like that.

And better yet, I’ll like that fact differently tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Monday, August 6, 2012

Oh My God, Miss!!

Awhile back, Jayman introduced us all to his mean, troublesome, imaginary friend named, If.

Well, I have a friend I would like to introduce to you as well…

And while she is not imaginary, based upon what I am about to tell you about her, you would think she is, but no my friends, no.  She is all too real.

Her name is Missy, which of course is short for Melissa, well in most instances, however in this case, it is short for Michelle, because there was an obscure state law written in 1965 that required every graduating class of 1983 to consist of no fewer than 48 Missys, and being one shy, my friend was chosen to be the 48th Missy.

Of course around here at the Bagwine digs and within the confines of the IWS Media World Headquarters she is simply known as, Miss.

Personally, however, I refer to her as, Oh My God Miss, and let me tell you why.  I have never met a person who has had so many bad, strange, hilarious, and painful things happen to him or her in one, yet unfinished lifetime!!

And after each story she tells about her life’s happy accidents, I always say, “Oh My God Miss.”

Why?  Now dig it…

After a somewhat uneventful first seven years of life, Missy who was eight at the time, was enjoying a break from the teachings of a Catholic Jesus wannabe at St. Teresa Church while attending CCD classes.

The soon to be soldiers of Christ were playing dodge ball in God’s gym when a devil girl broke Missy’s arm in three places.  After a week in traction and nearly losing her arm to the less than healing powers of 1974 medical techniques, she survived.

All was well until three years later…When our sweet, sweet Miss turned 11, and life once again spiraled out of control.

Summer fun turned to embarrassment and heartache when while riding her bike down the busy street of Harding Rd. with her friend Amy, her jeans became entangled in the angry chain of her bicycle.

Unable to free herself, Amy went to get Missy’s mom and her mom, and together, with one mom holding up a towel to prevent a public viewing along the busy avenue, the other mom de-jeaned and then re-jeaned our tearful and woeful Miss.

I’m not sure because her personal tragedies comes so fast and furious, but this may have been the same summer that two of Missy’s friends tied her to a tether ball pole while they played a rousing match of said tether ball.

Poor Miss…she still weeps softly when she re-lives the sound of the whizzing and whirling of the cord and air-filled spheroid buzzing around her unjustly incarcerated body and incredibly vulnerable head.

And then that same year…three days before Christmas no less, our Miss was skating with a giant jawbreaker in her mouth when through an angry God’s intervention, a man fell in front of her, causing her to fall, and then a man behind her to fall on her.

She broke her jaw in three places, however, thankfully, the jawbreaker survived.

After seven and a half hours in surgery with her now all too familiar, 1974 medical team, her jaw was wired shut and saved, so she could one day experience the beauty that is speech.  However…

As Christmas turned in to the New Year and she went back to school, cruelty reared its ugly head…

Everyday at lunch, Missy’s friend, Ashlyn, would forcibly attempt to shove Doritos into her wired shut pie hole.

As Missy’s friend, I laugh cry openly when thinking of Missy’s eyes wide open in fear of being terminally asphyxiated by a Frito Lay product.

All of this and she was only eleven.  There’s much more to her story, but the word count grows long, so I will bring you more of Miss next month, but in the meantime, I will say this…

In spite of the wackiness that has and will undoubtedly happen to her in the future, she is a sweetheart, a devoted supporter of our IWS show and website, and a chick whom I just love to pieces, and call my friend.

So here’s to Miss and more of Miss in the future and in the meantime, you can listen to the IWS Radio Show we did yesterday.

It was all about the angst that exists on Social Media sites.  Let me tell ya, if nothing else, forward to minute 19 and go from there.  Things start a happening:

Cheers!!
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws 

Monday, July 9, 2012

Some Things Are Coming Less Easily To Matt

Cheers and suck my Schwedy balls people…

Ha actually, I don’t want you to do that, because it wouldn’t be good for either of us, but...

Man, it was hot.

In fact, I worked Friday and all Saturday at the Beer Mine, and it was 101 on Friday and 103 on Saturday.

And, because people are incredibly stupid, I wrote this directive:


Most people who actually saw the sign, laughed, and gave me a dollar, but as you know…I hate that, and as I am all about excellent customer service, and the sign was, well…funny….

I’ll take a dollar where I can get it, because while I am upright, I am also, destitute and unworthy…would you please…contribute…to a boy…like me?  Anyhoo…

When I wrote the, don’t ask how hot it is sign, I thought of a few other sayings I don’t want to hear, and which although gladly accepted in our culture, are completely stupid.  Annnnnnd, here they are bitches…

Easy Come, Easy Go… No…It was not easy to get her to COME marry me, and it is even harder to get her to GO and divorce me.

You Must Have a Kink in your Neck…What the hell is a kink?  Is it Ray Davie?  Did he get stuck in the bicycle chain of my fucking neck?  I don’t understand.

Plurals on Names…I hate that, and it sounds worse when I hear people say, “your Benito Mussolinis”,  “your Adolf Hitlers“, “your stupid people who evidently don’t know that these people are SINGULAR!!”

My A/C is ON THE FRITZ…What, who, and/or where is the damn FRITZ?  I understand that the FRITZ is not good, but could someone tell me what the who, what, or where the FRITZ is?

Ain’t Nothing but a Thing…What the hell is that?  That has to be the stupidest phrase I have ever heard. It makes no sense, other than that it is typically uttered by black people, and then the laziness of the phrase comes together.  Fucking lazy English speakers.

Do You Have dem Fitty Cent Juices?  Ha…No we don’t…Sure you do the people say, they’re right there.  Oh, I say, those are called Big Hugs and they don’t sell for “Fitty Cent“, dumbass.  Well gimme one uv dem.  Me?  Oy.

I like to speak and write colloquially, but I also respect the language when I am typing something serious.  Others, and well, many, don’t feel the same…they speak whatever they want anytime.

I like the English language.

I like to make the English language my bitch.

Unfortunately, many younger people like to make the English a second language.

Yeah, I’m an old man I guess, but if hating young people bastardizing the English language makes me old…I can live with that.

And kiddies...Jayman and Matt-Man talked to Carrie Welch yesterday...They talked about her days on the Food Network and what she is doing now at Little Green Pickle to hear it all, play on:


Monday, June 25, 2012

Haters Gonna Hate...But I Choose Not To

Hiya and Cheers Chuckleheads!!

Y’know…I’m pushing 50 years of age…I am a man with 47 years under his belt, and…

Jayman and I did a show yesterday about Haters.

They hate everything.  Prices at the pump…prices on smokes…the way people talk, and…you name it, some folks are simply born to be haters, and sadly, and most importantly…

Haters hate people.

Yep….They hate you.  They hate him.  They hate her, and ultimately, and more profoundly…

They hate me.

IKR!?

How could anyone hate the Matt-Man?  It’s like, a non-sequitir.

And yet…some people do, and I, until last night, hated them as well right back.  However…

I am flippin’ my hate and becoming, one magnificent Matt-Man Love Machine.  No, it’s true!!

Take last night for instance…

Typically on Facebook on Sundays after the IWS show, when I have nothing better to do other than to get drunk and raise Hell, I do so, and proceed to alienate my “friends” on Facebook.  Well folks…

Yesterday, I did none of that.  Nope.  I barely posted, and what I did post, was mainly a couple of old 80’s songs, and then guess what happened?

I announced to the world that I was going to go have a beer on my porch of the palatial digs, and I did….and then…

I wanted to do it again, so I went back to the digs, and on the way out after picking up my second beer, I knocked on my neighbor’s door.

He answered.  I said, “grab a beer and come out front with me.”  He did, and we chatted.  Through three beers and 45 minutes, our differences in politics, life, or whatever, dissolved into just two guys sitting out front.

We just, “shot the shit”, as it were.

Lasty week, some chick that I have known for six years or so, gave me shit because I favored a couple of women with whom I grew up more than her.

This same chick called me a popularity whore, a man who lacks loyalty, and one who has no class.  She went on to say that she had known me for six years and I was taking side with a couple of “newbies.”

Ha.

First of all, the women I sided with, and encouraged, and hoped to in the future make love to were not newbies. I have known them for almost four decades, but…

That’s not the point.

The point is, when one gets older, goes out on the porch, and looks up at a beautifully shaped crescent moon, one smiles.

When one knocks on the door of a guy who shares discordant political views and asks him to have a beer with him, and he accepts, one smiles.

And when a person can spend his life with his best friend through many ups and downs, he certainly smiles.

And THAT is the point.

Perceived likeness, loyalty, and the “hey I knew him first shit” got nothing on the quality of friendships.

There are a handful of people I would go down with on the ship of life, and guess what?

They are chicks I have known forevah, a skinny, non-cooking chick I have come to love, and a guy with whom I do a radio show.

As for the people who have been part of my disloyal, hit page whore parade…Go fuck yourselves.  I am too old to have time for that, and for you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws 

And by the way...Jayman and I did a show about Haters yesterday...No, it's true!!  Give it a listen and see if you were mentioned.  A lot of people were...I mean...a lot of haters were:


Monday, June 11, 2012

I Am a Prick, But I Think I Am Getting Better

“An excellent man, he has no enemies, and none of his friends like him.”
--Oscar Wilde

I dig Oscar Wilde.  Oscar Wilde and I are much alike, well…other than his penchant for enjoying the buggery type of sex, but I tell ya…

He was an Irishman who was as wise as he was witty, and that my friends is a unique gift, and I experienced that this weekend in the form of several incongruous meetings, chats, and happenstances.

Several “things”, spontaneous meet-ups, and kind words from the mouths of others, brought me out of a mild funk that I had been in, and the funny thing is…

I never feel that I deserve any of it, because to paraphrase the Wilde quote above, and how it relates to me…

I’m a prick!!  And yet, for whatever reason, people like me.  Still.

I do have to say, a lot of my prickness comes from years of biting my tongue where my kid and mother are involved and then just recently realizing of late…

“Hey, I only have 52 legally required payments left on that make and model, and then my check is all mine...well...Schmoop's.”

Those of you helping to support a child in addition to having an angry ex-spouse, or in my case, quasi-ex-spouse, know that feeling, and know how liberating that feeling is.

And so yeah, while I left my wife 14 years ago, only now, with a smirk, and anemic financial independence looming, do I have the self-aggrandizing freedom to tell her, and to all y’all…fuck off.

And I would do just that, however…I can’t.

I am one sick son of a bitch who has this nasty nice streak within him, which compels me to want everyone to be happy in spite of how much I my or may not hate them.

G-Dawg, I Hate It!!  And let me tell ya, I couldn’t act upon my prickishness this weekend because several good things happened.

Friday, we were only quasi-busy, but folks were tipping me like I was Scar-Jo on a Dance-Po.

Saturday?

My BFF/OSP Schmoop, and her brother came through.  They were both in good moods which for those of you who don’t know them, that happens once in 150 years.  Those two were like Venus in transit.

After a more than unexciting day, around 4 this chick came through.  She….was….hot.  And I knew her.  I have actually known her for some thirty years, and yet don’t know her.

She smiled at me, I got a hard-on, hid my bad teeth, and sent her on her way with a 12 pack of Bud Light bottles, as she handed me a dollar tip, and a feeling of not knowing where I was.

I stood there smiling until I heard the next customer chime in my ear, “Could I have a 24 of Labatt’s Ice and a Slim Jim?”

After I responded, “$3.47.”, and collected his money, my thoughts turned to the woman who had just  left and threw me off my game.  She came through because she liked me, as did Schmoop, and as do others.

And I thought…

“You’re such a jerk sometimes, Mahoney.  There are a lot of people who like you. Why don’t you accept that, and delight in the fact that you make some people smile, and ignore this one asshole?”

And my answer to myself is always the same…

“If only smiles came with money, and if only people knew I was becoming this callous.”

If that were the case, and to paraphrase my hero Oscar Wilde, my friends would not like me, but I’d have huge tips, and I would have no enemies.

Pffffft.....I'll take having the friends over the tips any day.  And enemies?  Bring em'on!!

Sorry Oscar...

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

We also did one helluva joke show on IWS yesterday.  Jay and Matt were cutting up and the lovely Schmoop called in with some joke about her boyfriend.  Good times were had by all, so give it a listen, if you haven't already...

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Father and Sun

“My father considered a walk among the mountains as the equivalent of churchgoing.”
--Aldous Huxley

Today June 5th, marks the once in a lifetime astronomical event when Venus transits in front of the Sun, and appears as a small, insignificant speck against our bold and life giving Sun.

Today also happens to be my dad’s birthday.  If he were alive today, that lovable bastard would be turning 91.

But of course he is no longer with us; he passed on nearly 14 years ago, which considering all he accomplished during his 78 years, was a pretty good run.

He helped to produce nine kids, two books of poetry, and had one wife to whom he was married fifty-two years, when he died.

Pretty good for a working class Irish-Catholic guy with nothing other than many mouths to feed, a high school education, a work ethic beyond reproach, a love for his wife and his kids, and most importantly, a love for the English language.

But let me share a secret with ya…My dad was one grumpy bastard for much of his life.

Sometimes he would be so grumpy that he would let loose his skilled use of the English language upon us children, and say something like…

“God Damn It!!”

Ha…As devoutly Catholic as my dad was, instead of shrinking and cowering to the distant teachings of the Pope, my dad felt that he HAD every right to invoke God’s name, and did so on numerous occasions.

My dad was also a nature lover, and if he were alive today, he would be watching Venus in transit across the sun today, as I will be.

In a rare occurrence, Venus will transit the Sun and appear as a speck across our larger than life celestial star today, and…well it kinda says something to me.

When I see Venus as a speck against the great and golden illuminating prowess of the Sun, I am going to see myself as that speck in the greatness that was my dad.

I’ll never be as successful as my dad.  I’ll never be as nice as my dad…I’ll never have the once in a lifetime love as my dad, but…

I’ll always have his love of words, his sense of humor, and his love for people.

And for me?

That’s enough, however…

He could have also given me his good hair, good gums, and good eyesight as well.

But instead I got Mom's; thanks a lot Dad.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws 

Monday, April 30, 2012

Divorce...A One Trick Pony

She's a one trick pony
One trick is all that horse can do
She does one trick only
It's the principal source of her revenue.

Ha.  I love Paul Simon.  In my lifetime, no one has summed up every aspect of life quite like he has.  The man is a genius, and soothsayer.

Me?

I’m nothing more than a purveyor of humorous political punditry, tawdry tales, and half truths.

Yet, we here at IWS pride ourselves on exposing the stupid…The lies in life…The infirmities of human civilization.

I have a half truth to expose here today, and it’s not pretty…Well, it…er, she….er…whatever, used to be pretty but now, not so much.

You see, I became an independent two years ago in order to shed myself of Pelosi, and then this year, became a Republican so I could vote for Santorum, and now, I feel it necessary to bear my soul about something else, in order to let you now what’s going on.

I am still married.

It’s true. I got married in 1987, left in 2000, and yet, the woman who sought and gained matrimony from me, continues to cling to it like grim death, and will not let me go.

I have said things like…I’ll write it up.  What’s the big problem with a dissolution?  You have the house and everything else, what gives?

And yet?

She clings to me, day by bitter day, with the courage to tell me that our permanent, yet impermanent separation is MY fault!!

She will cite and/or make up things like, “You have used me, and want to stay married to me so you don’t have to marry Beth.”  Ha!!

Or she’ll say….“We need an ironclad contract, so you don’t steal anything.”  Like What!!

Or she’ll say… “If only…blah, blah, blah.”  Seriously?

I don’t listen anymore.  I don’t care anymore.  I don’t love her anymore.  And if the truth be told…

She would tell you that she doesn’t love me anymore, but it has become a game of who can get what, and yet the funny thing is…

She's the only one playing and there is nothing left to give.

Although I didn’t have to…I signed away the house; I signed away the cars; I signed away our son.

Yeah, I did all that, and yet…

Even though she despises me so, she will not simply sign on the dotted line and go on with her life as I have with mine.

No, she would never do that.  She likes drama…She likes control…

She likes Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.

And well…there ya go.

Just had to get that off my chest and I feel better now.

Oh one other thing…As much of a jerk as I was to her, I was never that way when my son was involved.

I for one tried to keep the emotional health of the child separate from our problems, but...

Mizz I Was, But Not Really Diagnosed With Post-Partum Depression But Rather I Was Simply Lazy, Princess?

Not so much.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

She makes it look so easy
She looks so clean
She moves like god's
Immaculate machine

Annnnnd...We did a Prom show where we talk not only about this, but all things Prom-Related.  Such as cover bands, what not to say, and well...you'll just have to find out by listening below:


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Life Has Ups and Downs


Hola! How y’all doin’? Good. Man, there isn’t much going on these days. Oh sure, there’s lots happening in the world, but sometimes I just don’t give a shit. You know what I mean? Yeah, I figured you did. So, once again I’ll just meander a bit.

Last week I was at the store buying a few necessities. I got a green pepper, an onion, a can of crushed tomatoes, a can of red kidney beans and some kielbasa. After scanning each of the items, the lady running the register looked at me and said “Red Beans and Rice?” I told her “Oh yeah!” and she replied that she “luuuuuuuuuuuuvs” red beans and rice.

Of course, I immediately proposed to her. Any chick that loves red beans and rice is alright with me. But, she says she isn’t into commitment and has no desire to marry anyone. I can totally respect that and appreciate her honesty. You don’t find that too often these days. Not in this economy.* Anyway, I guess I’m back to my current plan of dying alone.

Earlier today, while I was minding my own business trying to do some guerrilla marketing to push I’m With Stupid podcast I heard a golf ball bang off my neighbor’s door and then mine and then theirs again. This type of thing happens a few times a year. It’s the risks of living on a golf course here at the palatial estates.

So, I took a look out the window and saw a guy on the third tee box hitting and he had the absolute worst swing I’ve ever seen. So, while he was getting another ball out of his bag (he shanked the shot into the water) I ran and got my camera. I turned it on and was just about to video tape his hilarious swing and my camera shut off and said “change batteries.”

Man, story of my life. I go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

Oh look! There’s that ridiculous Buick commercial starring Shaquille O’Neal? I hate that commercial. Do they really think we’re gonna believe he drives a Buick. Actually, they probably do. And, now that I think about it there probably are a bunch of people who do believe it. What a bunch of stupid idiots.

Aren’t all idiots stupid? I guess they are. I could look it up, but I’m just going to assume that an idiot is also stupid, which probably means I’m a stupid idiot too since I said it. This is actually one of my biggest fears. I make fun of people for being so stupid so much mostly because I’m afraid I’m one of ‘em. Kind of like how most men who think calling another guy “gay” is the ultimate insult are probably closet cases. Or something like that.

Damn, I’m almost at 500 words and I just now started getting deep and shit. Oh well, I’ll have to worry about that stuff some other time. Gotta keep blog posts short. I know how busy you guys all are.



*I know that didn’t really make any sense, but I’m trying to use “not in this economy” to explain people’s actions as often as I can.