Monday, July 9, 2012

Some Things Are Coming Less Easily To Matt

Cheers and suck my Schwedy balls people…

Ha actually, I don’t want you to do that, because it wouldn’t be good for either of us, but...

Man, it was hot.

In fact, I worked Friday and all Saturday at the Beer Mine, and it was 101 on Friday and 103 on Saturday.

And, because people are incredibly stupid, I wrote this directive:

Most people who actually saw the sign, laughed, and gave me a dollar, but as you know…I hate that, and as I am all about excellent customer service, and the sign was, well…funny….

I’ll take a dollar where I can get it, because while I am upright, I am also, destitute and unworthy…would you please…contribute…to a boy…like me?  Anyhoo…

When I wrote the, don’t ask how hot it is sign, I thought of a few other sayings I don’t want to hear, and which although gladly accepted in our culture, are completely stupid.  Annnnnnd, here they are bitches…

Easy Come, Easy Go… No…It was not easy to get her to COME marry me, and it is even harder to get her to GO and divorce me.

You Must Have a Kink in your Neck…What the hell is a kink?  Is it Ray Davie?  Did he get stuck in the bicycle chain of my fucking neck?  I don’t understand.

Plurals on Names…I hate that, and it sounds worse when I hear people say, “your Benito Mussolinis”,  “your Adolf Hitlers“, “your stupid people who evidently don’t know that these people are SINGULAR!!”

My A/C is ON THE FRITZ…What, who, and/or where is the damn FRITZ?  I understand that the FRITZ is not good, but could someone tell me what the who, what, or where the FRITZ is?

Ain’t Nothing but a Thing…What the hell is that?  That has to be the stupidest phrase I have ever heard. It makes no sense, other than that it is typically uttered by black people, and then the laziness of the phrase comes together.  Fucking lazy English speakers.

Do You Have dem Fitty Cent Juices?  Ha…No we don’t…Sure you do the people say, they’re right there.  Oh, I say, those are called Big Hugs and they don’t sell for “Fitty Cent“, dumbass.  Well gimme one uv dem.  Me?  Oy.

I like to speak and write colloquially, but I also respect the language when I am typing something serious.  Others, and well, many, don’t feel the same…they speak whatever they want anytime.

I like the English language.

I like to make the English language my bitch.

Unfortunately, many younger people like to make the English a second language.

Yeah, I’m an old man I guess, but if hating young people bastardizing the English language makes me old…I can live with that.

And kiddies...Jayman and Matt-Man talked to Carrie Welch yesterday...They talked about her days on the Food Network and what she is doing now at Little Green Pickle to hear it all, play on:


I'm With Stupid said...

Well, what can you do? I mean, it is what it is.


Mike said...

I looked up 'on the fritz'. The official answer is unknown. So nobody knows who knows what it means. I even translated fritz. from german to english. It means fritz. Bummer. Lifes' a bitch, eh?

Beth said...

True dat, my man! Ha! See what I did there?

I'm With Stupid said...

Jay: You are the most helpful son of a bitch I know. Cheers Jayman!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: If you can't find the answer, all is lost. Cheers Mike!!


I'm With Stupid said...

Beth: Word. Cheers Schmoop!!


Mike said...

I just listened to the IWS/Carrie show. You guys are going to have a TOUGH time topping that show.

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Why thanks Mike, but I'm thinking we can...probably. Cheers Mike!!


Jo said...

I'm currently hating "You Only Live Once" and the horror of it becoming YOLO.

I thought "on the fritz" had something to do with the derogatory slang from the world wars but apparently it's because of the electric frizzle sound of the word. (wiki)

The show was great and you guys practiced more restraint than I thought possible when Carrie said that bit about being a salt lick.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: We were both going to be all over that, but....we, in that second, showed restraint. Sarcasm flowed from my ears, and I am sure Jay felt discomfort holding it in as well, but we practiced maturity. Oy, it's so hard. Cheers Jo!!


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