Looking for Love in the Dark Corners of the Internet

It used to be hard to find THE ONE. You had to go out and meet people. Go to bars, or parties, or singles functions at church or community centers, or get set up by friends or put personals in alternative weekly newspapers. It was all so difficult and required a certain amount of social skills. Well, thanks to the internet that's a thing fo the past. But, how well do online personals sites work? It seems as though there are a dozen horror stories for every happy ending. Well, Matt-Man and Jayman are going to investigate this whole online dating phenomenon and get to the bottom of it! We'll discuss our own experiences with online personals and open up the phone lines so you can share your experiences with the world too. 

As always our Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf will be here along with the IWS Players to add a little charm and sophistication to the show. There will be good and bad music, booze and another award-winning Witty Banter segment as well as some expert NFL Draft analysis. All this plus YOUR CALLS!

Tom Hanks is Hosting a Bachelor Party on IWS Radio!

Hey guys! Tom Hanks here for my good friends at IWS Radio. I'm sure you all know me as the very distinguished Academy Award winning actor from such movies as "Forrest Gump" and "Philadelphia." Well, there was a time in my career when I didn't hang out with super talented people like Matt-Man and Jayman. Oh no! I had to do a movie called "Bachelor Party" with Adrian Zmed and Tawny Kitaen once. IKR???

Luckily that is in my dark distant past and IWS is my present and future. But, I'm experiencing a little deja vu all over again as IWS Radio is throwing a wild and crazy bachelor party for Matt this week!

"The nine month's of freedom for IWS Radio's very own Matt-Man are coming to an end as his wedding to the lovely Schmoop is but days away, so it is fitting that Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio gang have a disgusting, drunken, and hilarious bachelor party LIVE on the air.

They'll be talking bachelor party food, sexy cake jumper outters, good and bad celebrity guests to invite, bad music to play, and discuss wedding preparations and Jayman's impending road trip from Redneckville, AR. to Bagwine, OH. so that he may share in the disastorous beauty of the forthcoming nuptials.

Previous bad bachelor/bachelorette party experiences will also be shared along with a call to the Vatican Embassy in D.C. and you phone calls at 661.244.9852. So, join the raucous hilarity as IWS Radio presents...IWS Radio Bachelor Party: Dead Matt Walking"

Honestly? I can't wait to get back into my silly "Bachelor Party" days and have fun with the vast and diverse worldwide audience of IWS Radio! I just hope Adrian Zmed isn't invited! Don't forget! Everyone is invited to "IWS Radio Bachelor Party: Dead Matt Walking" Sunday at 12 Noon ET on IWS Radio!

Weddings Don't Have to Be So Stressful

You know? There’s just no reason weddings should be so stressful. That was the basic theme of this week’s Wedding Season Extravaganza on IWS Radio. Matt-Man and Jayman dispensed all kinds of great advice for people planning a wedding along with some other stuff they needed to discuss …

BTR was in rare form this weekend with tech problems galore, but Matt and Jay improvised, adapted and overcame.

Matt-Man has been singing the new cash register blues down at the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rds in Bagwine, Ohio).

Jayman had a rare deodorant emergency this week.

IWS Radio is HUGE in the Philippines and Filipinos are delicious.

Matt and Jay were both mostly impressed with American Pharoah’s Triple Crown win.

Food is a big deal at wedding receptions, but can you ever go wrong with pizza, chicken nuggets, jo-jo’s and brats? No, you can’t!

You need entertainment and for that you should turn to DJ Cheezy-B!

You need music at your wedding too. Be sure to avoid the bad love songs though.

Robert the Taylor brought everyone to tears with a beautiful love story.

Guy Ahnurdyck’s sister Flipper got married and Guy was there. Maybe.

Rev Moneymaker presided over Flipper Ahnurdyck-Twoinfro’s wedding. Maybe.

George is getting married!

Five Star Facebook Comment of the Week!

Sarcastic Sam is bitter and thinks marriage is a trap

Robert the Taylor made yet another appearance with a beautiful love song he wrote and performed.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadn so much more …. 

                             

IWS Persons of the Week: For Those About To Wed, We Salute You!!

It's Sunday, so it's time for the IWS Person(s) of the Week, and since it is June, and we are into the summer wedding season, we name the 2015 Wedding Season Brides and Grooms as our IWS Persons of the Week!!

So you lucky dolts, you have met the person of your dreams and you are so in love that you decide to get married. While love is very important, a nice looking wedding ring is equally important, so unlike this guy, choose wisely...

If you are a guy and you had a little too much fun during your Bachelor Party, make sure that your wife-to-be doesn't find out...especially if she is trained in the martial arts...

After the wedding ceremony itself is over, and your hangover from the night before needs tendin' to, make sure that you reward all of your hard work of wedding planning in the form of having a blast at your reception...

So there you go. To all of you starry-eyed, head over heels in love, wanna get married couples out there...Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team wish you good luck, a great wedding, and give you two thumbs up...

If you would like more information on how to make your wedding day extra special, tune in LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET TODAY to IWS Radio as Jay and Matt present the:  IWS Wedding Season Extravaganza

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team will be offering info on such things as who and who not to invite, what food to serve, what types of alcohol to break out, and what constitutes good wedding music and bad wedding music.

All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852. So say, "I Do", and join us LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET by clicking right HERE.

Celebrating Marriage and Crushing Hitler!

It's June kids and that means it's wedding season! Weddings are beautiful, wonderful and really stressful. Well, IWS Radio is here to take the stress out of weddings and put the hilarity in. There's no reason to get all worked up over your wedding. All it takes is some good planning and a good attitude. Two things Matt-Man and Jayman are known for.

They'll help you plan your wedding right down to the smallest details. Who all should you invite? Should it be indoors or outdoors? In a Church or at the courthouse? Maybe you should just elope? Should you hire a professional planner or turn it all over to a family member? These questions need answers and the IWS team is here to provide them. Probably.

What about the reception? What foods should you serve? Should there be an open bar? (Hint: YES!) What music should be played? The questions never stop! No wonder people get so stressed out over weddings! But, don't worry Matt and Jay are here for you.

Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf and the IWS Players will be along as usual to bring even more insight to this very complicated topic. Who knows what else might come up. The NHL and NBA Finals are in full swing and the Duggars are in full damage plus all kinds of other crazy stuff going on in the world. All this and YOUR CALLS at 661.244.9852 on “Wedding Season Extravaganza” this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!!

Also, to get warmed up for Sunday’s show, you can watch how Matt-Man and Jayman took down Hilter courtesy of Robert the Taylor! 

                                 

Rev. Moneymaker LOVES IWS Radio and HATES Sin

Helloooo friends and frenimies...Rev. Moneymaker here. I think I attended the IWS Radio St. Patrick's Day Party yesterday, but I am not quite sure...

Also, I think I expounded biblically on yesterday's  IWS Radio Show.

You see...I have had some tragedy, despair, and disappointment in my life of late, and while I am pretty sure that I gave a sermon of some type on IWS Radio yesterday, I cannot be certain...

I do know that Jay and Matt talked about Matt-Man being sick because he doesn't believe in THE LORD.

And I do know that Jay and Matt talked about Jay being on the verge of a Facebook mail bride because she knows how to clean a house and that in her opinion, Jayman might be gay. But...

Everything else is just a big Lenten Free for All full of too much drink, and too much regret, and for that, I apologize.

I do remember that Jay and Matt played some spectacular and not so spectacular Irish music and that there was a lot of coughing in the background.

And now as it is all coming back, I remember John McCain being both for AND against the Irish, and I was cool with that, and it reminded me that I did in fact, say something yesterday.

So check out, Jay, Matt, the IWS Radio Players along with myself and Sen. John McCain.  If that isn't a God Damn St. Patrick's Day party, I don't know what is!!

God Bless You and Keep You,

Rev. Moneymaker

Justice May Be Blind, But I Hope She Isn't A Comedian As Well

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy D-Day to you all!!  What, you say?  What is this D-Day of which you speak? D-Day happened on June 6, 1944.

Yes, yes it did, the D-Day of the Normandy invasion anyway, but my friends…Today is another type of D-Day and one that is much more personal to me.

After nearly twenty-eight years of marriage including fourteen years of separation, yours truly goes to court today in order to finalize the legal dissolution of my marriage, and this guy is nervous.

People tell me, “Why be nervous? You’ll be in and out in 10-20 minutes.”  For most folks that would hold true, but people near and dear to me know that I have a dark cloud above my head that never fails to rain disruption and despair down upon my life.

So…even though the future ex-Mrs. Mahoney and I have signed the short, sweet, and concise agreement papers, here is a list of what could go wrong tomorrow and prevent me from becoming a free man.

The alarm clock here in the Bagwine digs is pretty old.  It may choose to fully unfunction and fail to wake me up in time for my court appearance.

Let’s say the alarm clock does do its job and I am well-prepared in plenty of time.  I go down to the car to drive to the courthouse, and…the battery is dead.  Can’t make it to court, and in this hearing, a no-show, is a no-go.

Let’s say we are all there in a timely manner and the judge having had a fallout with his wife earlier in the morning, is feeling melancholy and decides he cannot grant the dissolution because “you guys should attend counseling and give it one more chance.”

Dig this…Everything is going swimmingly and the judge asks me, “Mr. Mahoney, are you in agreement with the terms, and is this what you want?”  Being stricken with a sore throat from working in the elements at the Beer Mine, I at that point, lose my voice, and am unable to answer audibly.

I have mixed emotions about this next scenario…The judge denies the petition of dissolution because as he remarks, “I laugh my ass off every time Jay or Matt play Torn Between Two Lovers on the IWS Radio Show, and I don’t want to be known as the judge who put a stop to that.”

Lastly…My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is going with me, but will remain in the car during said proceeding, however…I can see her getting nervous, hop out of the car, and burst into the courtroom screaming, “Make them stay married.  If you don’t, Matt-Man will start asking me to marry him.”

Very Hurtful.

My friend, IWS Radio partner, and knower of the cloud above my head Jayman, has a bit of a different take on the outcome of today’s court proceedings.

He said to me, “Quit worrying. You’ll be in and out in fifteen minutes with no hassle…Of course Matt-Man…while walking across the street to get in your car to go home, you’ll be struck by a bus and die.”

That would be tragic.  That would be morbid.  That would be unfortunate, however…

That black cloud above my head would be gone forever because I would die knowing that for an instant, I died a happily unmarried man.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Bavarian Beer Garden Break-Up

With the exception of those uber-bitter ISIS thugs, folks all over the world are celebrating the 2014 Oktoberfest season.  Jay, Matt, and the staff of IWS Radio are no exception, and are having an Oktoberfest celebration of their own.

Cold beer, hot babes, and laugh out loud funny wit and satire from the IWS Radio Players are on the party menu.  In addition to Oktoberfest…

Matt-Man found out this week that after nearly twenty-eight years of less than wedded bliss, he will be getting that dissolution of marriage that he so richly deserves.

So, IWS Radio is celebrating a joyful uber-bash of all things German, all things beer, and all things divorce related this week.

On hand for the big soiree will be Jamie Mapleleaf, Bobby Kraft, Pete Nietzsche, and perhaps even the nearly recovered willy-willy survivor, Stubby Stonehenge.

Listen in, join the party, and chime in with your phone calls tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents a Bavarian Beer Garden Break-Up.

To listen LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, click HERE!!

Danke schön and Prosit!!

The Albatross Is Off Of My Neck!!

IWSRADIO.COM

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.  --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

For the past few months, I have been in quite the funk.  Not a depressing suicidal funk where I hate life and all which it entails, but rather a funk that comes from being in limbo…from spinning counter-clockwise in a whirlpool of uncertainty that results from being stuck in the Horse Latitudes of life.

I have been married for twenty-seven years.  Of course, for the past fourteen of them I have been separated.  I know, crazy, right!?  Anyhoo…Finally…After all of this time, my future former ex-wife has petitioned for a dissolution.

For years, I have joked about still being married. Made merry about it, and both the Jayman and I have played Torn Between Two Lovers countless times on our IWS Radio Show, however…

It has been bugging the hell out of me, that I in a sense, had that albatross of unfinished matrimonial business around my neck.  Well, my friends, that is now coming to an end and I feel happy about that.

I mean, I could whore around with the best of them in spite of still being legally married, but now, I have closure, so now I can whore around without even experiencing the scintilla of guilt that I never experienced in the first place.  Wait…What…Anyhoo…

On top of that good news…Yesterday around 7 PM, my brother Marty called me to tell me that a family closed on the purchase of my late brother Vinnie’s house, and his estate will finally be closed out after some sixteen months.

Marty put a lot of work into that house and has been busy taking care of bills and such since our brother’s death, and at long last, he can breathe easier and the entire clan can move on from the cold and methodical business end of the legal issues of death.

In other words, if Vince left me enough money in his will, after I buy a new set of teeth, there may be a line of IWS Radio T-Shirts and can cozies on the market.  Yeah…you heard me right.

But seriously…Loose ends no matter how great or small, while not necessarily giving a person the feeling of dread, fear, or as I mentioned earlier a case of the funk, they are just enough to create a feeling of ADD, lack of focus, or even worse, a sense of, why the fuck do I care about anything?

Anyway, yesterday was relatively full of good news, not because of the terminal and legal death of both a marriage and a brother, but because the outcomes give breeze to the sails of those who were stalling.

Swiftly, swiftly flew the ship,
Yet she sailed softly too:
Sweetly, sweetly blew the breeze -
On me alone it blew. --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Jayman is Giving Up on Marriage

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! As you may or may not recall, one of my New Year’s resolutions for 2014 was to get married. Yes it was. I even wrote about on this here blog. No, that wasn’t a joke! I was serious about that. I came to the conclusion that what’s missing in my life is the joy and companionship that only a life partner can provide. So, I set out to find a wife.

Well, it’s damn near October and I’ve made very little progress on the wife front. As you can imagine I’m very disappointed about this. I had hoped to be having an elaborate and beautiful wedding at the Justice of the Peace’s office by the time the college football season really got rolling. That would be about NOW if you didn’t know. As you can see, that hasn’t happened.

I have made the very difficult decision to suspend my search for a wife for the remainder of 2014. Obviously I consider this an embarrassing failure on my part and I take full responsibility for it. I should have done more, but I just didn’t. Now we’re staring down the barrel of the Holidays and it’s just too hectic a time of year to be wasting so much time on a fool’s errand.

I’ll have to resume my search sometime in early 2015. I’ll use these next three months, or what free time I have, evaluating what went wrong and what new strategies I can try when Wife Search 2015™ commences. One of the things I’m considering is widening the search area. Maybe not really widening the search area so much as changing the region I’m focusing on. I’m thinking about focusing on American women. Well, NORTH American women. I don’t think we can ignore Mexico and Canada. I’m sure I will come up with other ideas too.

There’s one other thing that has caused me to come to this decision. I have been very deeply affected by the news of George Clooney getting married over the weekend. I think Clooney getting married makes my failure to find a suitable wife all the more glaring. I don’t really blame George, but …. Well okay, I blame George a little. You see, George promised to provide all of us unmarried guys cover by never getting married again. He really let me down. What’s worse is that he suddenly gave up all the bimbos and married a human rights lawyer who is super smart and educated and all that shit. So, while George was wooing an Oxford and NYU Law School grad I was busy telling a sweet Asian girl on Facebook that she doesn’t have to call me “sir” and that “Daddy” would do just fine.

George’s marriage has made me question everything I’ve ever believed. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for it, but I’ll try. I hope everyone understands my anguish and respects my decision.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Looking For Love on Facebook

Hola lovers! As you might remember, not too long ago I started joining several Facebook groups to try and meet new friends from all over the world and made a commitment to get married this year. Well, it’s time to document some of my interactions once again.

Round 1: TC

TC: Hello!
Jay: Well hey there little lady!
TC: LOL!
Jay: What’s so funny?
TC: You are!
Jay: Really? Thanks!
TC: You’re welcome. How are you today?
Jay: I’m wonderful, how are you?
TC: I’m okay.
Jay: Just okay?
TC: I’m kind of lonely.
Jay: Awww … I’m sorry.
TC: Are you lonely.
Jay: Sometimes I get lonely.
TC: Are you single?
Jay: Single forever.
TC: That’s sad.

Jay: Wait. Now I’m sad? I thought I was funny.
TC: Hee Hee … You are funny!
Jay: Thank you for appreciating my comedy skills.
TC: You’re a comedian?
Jay: Can’t you tell?
TC: Yes! You’re funny like a clown.
Jay: Nooooooooooooo
TC: No?
Jay: Clowns are creepy. I’m not creepy.
TC: No, you’re not creepy at all.
Jay: Well I am a little creepy. You just don’t know me well enough yet.
TC: I hope not.
Jay: I’ll try to tone it down.
TC: Okay. What are you looking for?
Jay: A good time?
TC: LOL … I’m looking for a life mate.
Jay: Okay.
TC: Someone for me and my four little kids.
Jay: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
TC: Kids aren’t okay?
Jay: Well, I’m not good with kids.
TC: It’s okay. You will learn fast.
Jay: I was a terrible student in college.
TC: LOL!
Jay: I don’t want to be mean.
TC: You’re not mean!
Jay: I’m not looking for the same thing you are.
TC: It’s okay. We’ll just be friends.
Jay: Okay. And fuck buddies?
TC: *Defriends Jay*

Round 2: BW

BW: Hey there!
Jay: how YOU doin’?
BW: I’m fine.
Jay: Yes you are!
BW: How are you?
Jay: I’m GREAT!
BW: That’s good. You’re happy?
Jay: Very much so!
BW: Why?
Jay: Because I’m talking to you!
BW: That’s so sweet!
Jay: IKNOWRIGHT? I’m a sweet guy.
BW: I don’t know what that word means.
Jay: Sweet?
BW: LOL .. No, “iknowright” My English isn’t that good.
Jay: Oh that’s okay. No worries.
BW: Thank you.
Jay: No, THANK YOU!
BW: Why thank me?
Jay: Just for being you.
BW: hahahahahaha
Jay: So what’s up?
BW: Just looking.
Jay: Looking for?????
BW: A man.
Jay: Hell yeah!
BW: LOL
Jay: You’ve come to the right place babe.
BW: Can I get a full body pic of you?
Jay: NUDE?
BW: NO!! I don’t do that!
Jay: Oh. I would if you wanted me to though.
BW: No that’s okay.
Jay: Here’s a pic…
BW: You’re so big.
Jay: Yeah, all the girls say that.
BW: I like big.
Jay: Awwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhhh!

BW: What does that mean?
Jay: You’re looking for a big one?
BW: I’m happy with anyone.
Jay: Oh, okay. Girls say that all the time too.
BW: What do you do for a living?
Jay: I’m a writer.
BW: Really? What do you write?
Jay: Mostly Gay Erotica.
BW: I don’t read any of that.
Jay: Why not?
BW: I don’t know. Just haven’t.
Jay: Do you have a problem with bisexual men?
BW: Nope. That’s what I prefer.
Jay: Oh, that’s too bad.
BW: You aren’t bisexual?
Jay: Nope.
BW: But, that’s okay too.
Jay: Yeah, but I’ll obviously never be what you really want.
BW: That’s not true.
Jay: I’ll always fall short.
BW: How old are you?
Jay: I’m an old man.
BW: Good. I want a man over 55 or 65.
Jay: I’m only 46.
BW: That’s not bad though.
Jay: Sorry. Obviously I’ll never be what you’re looking for.
BW: You don’t know that.
Jay: Story of my life. Never quite good enough.
BW: Yes you are!
Jay: That’s nice of you to say. We can be friends right?
BW: Well I want more than friends.
Jay: Right. Fuck buddies it is.
BW: *Deactivates Account*

Well, that didn’t work out as well as I had hoped. Maybe next time.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS

Jayman is Getting Married!

Holaaaaaaaaaa y’all! That’s right, in shocking out-of-nowhere news, the Jayman is getting married! I just finally decided that dammit, I’m 45 years old and it’s time to settle down and get married. Enough of this footloose and fancy-free lifestyle of mine! It’s time to start acting like a grown up! There’s only one problem with my plan right now…

I don’t know whom I will be marrying.

That’s definitely a problem, right? Well, not to worry cause I think I’ve found just what I’m looking for. My friends, I have joined the “Finda Life Partner to get Married” group on Facebook! Oh hell yes! It even says “only for serious people” so I see no reason that I won’t be able to find a suitable bride, take her on a whirlwind romance and then get married within around six to nine months.

I think the key to this is to come up with a killer introduction of myself to the group. First impressions matter ya know? So, here are a few ideas I’m working on.

- “Hola y’all! International internet radio star here and I’m looking a co-host for life. Living in the spotlight is a lot lonelier than it seems and it’s time to find someone to enjoy life with. Plus, by marrying me you will automatically get to be featured on IWS Radio! You’ll record and edit audios for the show and write for the website two or three times a week! Other responsibilities will include posting to the Facebook fan page and Tumblr. Plus, there will be all the other wifey duties of cooking, cleaning and making sure that I’m happy, healthy, relaxed and focused. What do you say ladies?

- You: A scared, hot legal (barely) age girl living in abject poverty in some third world shithole that is about to explode in civil war.

Me: Your only real option.  Let’s do this!

- Howdy girls! My name is Jay. I’m 45, but have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. I’m considerably overweight and broke as hell. But, I’m full of love and am the World’s Greatest Cuddler. You could do worse, right?

- Sad, lonely and reserved middle aged male seeks shy, quiet girl for disappointing evenings out and possibly a long boring marriage. Email me for details. No fatties.

- So, are all you chicks here just a bunch of mail order brides, or what?

- Semi-successful speculative comedian here to make you laugh and giggle through life! If you don’t take life too seriously, I’m your guy. Let’s not worry about money and looks and all that superficial crap, let’s get deep and talk about what’s on the inside then Let’s. Get. Bizzay!

- Me: Old, fat and broke.  … You: Young, wild and free.  …. Opposites attract, right?

- Hey y’all! Just want to introduce myself to all the lovely ladies here. I’m a pretty average guy who is full of laughs and love. Let’s get to know each other and who knows, maybe it will lead to marriage or something. I mean, I prefer to just shack up for a while, but I’m open to other ideas. I’m even willing to travel so you don’t have to leave your family if you’re hot enough.  

- Okay enough of the bullshit. I’m lonely and you’re desperate. Let’s work something out. I’ll help out with the housework and do some of the cooking. You promise not to nag at me and put out every once in a while. We’ll work out all the other details as we go along. Sound good? Seriously y'all come on! If this doesn't work I'll have to join Asexuals Anonymous group! 

Man, it’s just so hard to decide which of those to use cause they’re all GOLD! I see no reason why I won’t be filling out foreign bride visa applications for some lucky lady damn soon! Or even better, I might be the one doing the moving! I’ll keep you guys updated, so start thinking about what you’re going to get us for our wedding gift!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Marry Me Vladimir Putin, Marry Me!!

Hello.  Schmoop here for IWS Radio.

Some of you know me as the somewhat shy, hate to talk on the radio foil for some of Matt-Man and Jayman’s childish IWS Radio jokes, however…

I am a real person...a real person with real feelings, and a woman…

A 47 year old woman, whose blood runs hot with a lust deeper than the Volga River, and higher than the highest apexes of the Caucasus Mountains.

I have never told anybody this, but when I found out in June of this year that Vladimir Putin was getting a divorce from his hag-bag of a wife Lyudmila Putina, I said to myself…

“Schmoop?  You need to rid yourself of this asshole Mahoney, this American malaise, and find a guy who wears the intrigue of the KGB upon his sleeve.  Who loves to go topless while riding horses, and who is sexy enough to say to the world…

“So the hell what?  Those dead bodies are Chechnyans. Who the hell cares?  Let’s take my Harley on a road trip, Baby!!  Who’s with me? You? YOU?”

Damn right…I like badasses, and Vlad?  You are a badass.  Meeeeeeeeeow.

You have it all.  You run an entire country with a steel hand.  You are a take-no-crap kinda guy, and yet, you have a softer side to you that perhaps only a woman like me can detect. And…

I bet you are crazy lovable hell in bed. I bet making love to you is like spending a night with Rasputin.  All freaky, wacko, and never say die shit. All I get here is, “Please!!  Don’t Touch Me!!”  And dig it, that’s me talking!!  Ha!!

Seriously Baby…Oh excuse me, President Baby…I want to become your American Mail Order Bride. Sad American men have been importing Russian brides for years; I think it is time to turn the tables upside down on the mail order bride business.

And when you and I do, we can laugh, drink vodka, and you can lick the scar on my stomach that looks exactly like the Volga River.  When you lick that baby…you won’t be saying “Oh Mommy!!”; you’ll be saying, “Oh Mother Russia!!”

And listen sweetie…I do have my own set of skills just like your ninja type KGB skills…

I’m verrrrrrrry flexible…

And I can look mean and stand-offish just like you…

We my dear are a perfect match.  Hell my sexy friend, we are, in addition to other commonalities, both 5’7. So please, pleeeeeeeease…send for me.  While I am an American through and through, I am a Cossack by inspiration.

And perhaps if you have me sent FedEx to Moscow and then marry me, our nations will have a common bond and we can all get along better.

I now this a hard move for you because you said the other day that American Exceptionalism doesn’t exist, but let me tell you…

Once you meet me, and marry me?  You will find that American Exceptionalism not only exists within my thighs, but more so...between my thighs.

Please Call Me, Mr. President of U-Sexy-Stan, callllllll me…

Schmoop

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Just Say Fuck It! And Listen to IWS Radio

Cheeeeeers!!

Y’know?  Something really not good happened yesterday.  What’s that you ask?

I think I may have grown up!!

IKR?

At the ripe old age of 48 plus, Matt-Man may have hit the mercury mark and as the mercurial metal of time and temperature rises, he says unto himself…

“I should really start acting my age…Okay, I should really act like I’m nearly 50...Fuck it, but can I at least have some sense of grown-up decency before I die for Godssakes and go out on top as an adult male, you old man!!?”

Y’know?  I think about my own demise…I don’t think of it in terms of how it will be regaled like the Lady of Shallot’s boyfriend being sailed down the river in a pine box, but I think that…

Considering my family history, I am not long for this world in relative terms of time and space, however, and here is what drives me…

I am doing what I want to  do, and dare I say, what I was meant to do.

I remember a couple of years ago, my wife, the uber-toxic Janet said to me…

“I told Ryno (my son) that if he didn’t he didn’t start getting better grades, he would end up working at a Drive-Thru like Dad.”

To which I thought to myself…

“This is the same woman who when I had a chest tube in me, asked if it would reach to the ATM Machine!!”

Nonetheless, it hurt my feelings…on both counts.

But over the last couple of years, while I used to carry anger toward her, I have chucked it away because really…

Can a sane person, really ask a hospital patient with over a gallon of lung funk in his body for money?  No, and a sane, self-described Christian person, doesn’t ask that of him.

So?  I just chalk her comments of hatred and belittlement of me up to, well…hurt, anger, and…bipolar craziness.

M’eh, I just don’t care anymore about that, and I am done knocking her…although it is quite fun, helps me to vent, and give a little of the same back to her from what I took from her the past thirteen years.

Of course, I would never claw her face, push her into the pantry, nor spit in her face like she did me.  What?

Anyhoo…

Yeah, I was going to start a segment about her on Sunday‘s Season Four IWS premier, but eh, it would just make me mad, and I don’t want that.

So instead, I chose to write about it, and now I feel better.

I know that this was not the funniest post ever, but maybe now, come Sunday on the IWS Radio Show, I’ll be funnier, because this has really been bothering me, and now?

I have let it go…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

Patience Is a Virtue

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Today, I want to talk about patience.  Not patience with things because I will have none of that, but rather…

Patience with people.

Believe it or not, I get compliments from many people on my patience.  Ironically, people think I am a sarcastic asshole, ha!!  If I actually had only half the patience that I do with people, you probably would have been insulted over the years.  Wait!? What!?

Anyhoo…

This came up yesterday on Twitter and Facebook, because well….I brought it up.

For the last twelve years that I have lived with my Schmoop, Ryno has never been here, and he has never seen me, other than the times that I have gone to his house (which used to be mine) or at a sporting event in which he was and/or is participating.

I have often laughed about this myself, but don’t you (especially you mothers) find this crazy?

I have always wanted my son to come over. I love him….He’s funny…He’s me…but no…

I get, 

“You live with a whore who had absolutely nothing to do with the break-up of our marriage which I refuse to divorce you from so, no….Ryno cannot come over and play."

I am not too far from the truth in that statement and when I think of that I find it even more ironic because said Mom is against Gay Marriage, but by God….“I will defend mine until one of us dies!!”

Uuch…The thing is…In tow months our sn will be 18 and graduated and I don’t HAVE to pay anything to them, but…

I’m Matt-Man and of course I will, but how much, and how so?

Currently I pay her $135.00 a week.  I am told, considering what I make, is very nice…and that was directed through a wink from a woman toward another woman in need…

Anyhoo…

My point is…I only have two more months of this and I have been putting up with it, for twelve years!!

My best friend ever, has for twelve years, seen me cry, rampage, and otherwise turn the world on its head over the lack of seeing my son and yet a stipend…And now?

The end is in sight.  I can pay or not soon.  I choose to pay and help him for college, but you know what?

I choose to help him out all I can, but…

He’s gonna have to come to the Bagwine digs to get it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

And by the way ....Jayman and I did an excellent Radio Show yesterday, full of God, Jesus, Easter, and on HOT Mrs. Mike!!  To listen to it in in archives click HERE.

Careful What You Wish For

Cheers and Hello my IWS friends.

Matt-Man here to give you a little something, something, about friendship.

Now, dig it…

Many months ago, I told a strange yet true story about how my wife would never divorce me, because well, it wasn’t on her “things to do list”, even though I had begged her to do so for years.

Well, lo and behold, I guess it is now.

It seems that as our son Ryno, is creeping upon college age, she would finally like to get divorced, so that he can accrue more Financial Aid and perhaps tuition relief than he would get if his mom were otherwise married to me.

Really? Not so fast, Miss Matriculation. Allow us to cover some facts…

We split up some twelve years ago…In those twelve years, you berated me, chided me, told me I was no good, and otherwise said to me and the world, “Matt sucks.”

In addition to never being able to see my own kid (because I’m a danger, and live with a woman who neither hits me nor spits on me) within the confines of my own house, which I could have court ordered that I did, I let it go, and amicably let by gones be by gones and serviced you with money.

But…You never seemed to want that divorce thing, and in fact, you said it was me that was preventing it. We both know that was, well…not true.

But I digress…Okay no I don’t ..In fact, I have more shit to say about you.

Nowwwwww it seems, you want that divorce so you can get a little more money from those who give financial aid. Sure, you make fun of my income because it comes from a Drive-Thru, all the while accepting my income in the form of child support, but now…You want to make it appear as though it doesn't exist.

I don’t hate you, however, you never really thought all this out did you? You just decided that you and Ryno could get by on life by hating me, and every month you could collect your version of 200 dollars and Go.

There were many nights that I cried, because you took hold of Ryno, and kept him from me. There were many days that I felt awful, because I felt that I did the wrong thing by leaving, but…

Not so much anymore, because of the things you do, and you do it with such a, “What? I am just trying to look out for Ryno.” M’eh…you are looking out for yourself.

And that’s fine, and whatever you want I’ll give to you, because I have been dreaming of this day for years, but just remember….

Once we get divorced, there is no tax-free money, there is no "can I have some extra", there is no anything, in fact…

Come June 2013, there is no nothing, other than what I give Ryno, and just like my soul at that point, you’ll have no control over it.

Cheers!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Divorce...A One Trick Pony

She's a one trick pony
One trick is all that horse can do
She does one trick only
It's the principal source of her revenue.

Ha.  I love Paul Simon.  In my lifetime, no one has summed up every aspect of life quite like he has.  The man is a genius, and soothsayer.

Me?

I’m nothing more than a purveyor of humorous political punditry, tawdry tales, and half truths.

Yet, we here at IWS pride ourselves on exposing the stupid…The lies in life…The infirmities of human civilization.

I have a half truth to expose here today, and it’s not pretty…Well, it…er, she….er…whatever, used to be pretty but now, not so much.

You see, I became an independent two years ago in order to shed myself of Pelosi, and then this year, became a Republican so I could vote for Santorum, and now, I feel it necessary to bear my soul about something else, in order to let you now what’s going on.

I am still married.

It’s true. I got married in 1987, left in 2000, and yet, the woman who sought and gained matrimony from me, continues to cling to it like grim death, and will not let me go.

I have said things like…I’ll write it up.  What’s the big problem with a dissolution?  You have the house and everything else, what gives?

And yet?

She clings to me, day by bitter day, with the courage to tell me that our permanent, yet impermanent separation is MY fault!!

She will cite and/or make up things like, “You have used me, and want to stay married to me so you don’t have to marry Beth.”  Ha!!

Or she’ll say….“We need an ironclad contract, so you don’t steal anything.”  Like What!!

Or she’ll say… “If only…blah, blah, blah.”  Seriously?

I don’t listen anymore.  I don’t care anymore.  I don’t love her anymore.  And if the truth be told…

She would tell you that she doesn’t love me anymore, but it has become a game of who can get what, and yet the funny thing is…

She's the only one playing and there is nothing left to give.

Although I didn’t have to…I signed away the house; I signed away the cars; I signed away our son.

Yeah, I did all that, and yet…

Even though she despises me so, she will not simply sign on the dotted line and go on with her life as I have with mine.

No, she would never do that.  She likes drama…She likes control…

She likes Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.

And well…there ya go.

Just had to get that off my chest and I feel better now.

Oh one other thing…As much of a jerk as I was to her, I was never that way when my son was involved.

I for one tried to keep the emotional health of the child separate from our problems, but...

Mizz I Was, But Not Really Diagnosed With Post-Partum Depression But Rather I Was Simply Lazy, Princess?

Not so much.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

She makes it look so easy
She looks so clean
She moves like god's
Immaculate machine

Annnnnd...We did a Prom show where we talk not only about this, but all things Prom-Related.  Such as cover bands, what not to say, and well...you'll just have to find out by listening below: