Jayman's Relationship Advice

Hola y'all! From time to time people ask me for advice. And, being the world famous internet radio star, I know that I should be there for them. Today someone emailed me about a very serious dilemma and I felt like I should answer him publicly because it might help many more people out there.

Anon asked:

So, there’s this chick that I really REALLY like.  She’s super cute and I think we would make a great couple together.  Problem is, I can’t seem to figure out how to get her attention and get her to notice me.  Got any ideas?

You’re in luck.  I’ve been in this same situation and I know just what to do.  First thing you do is google this chick.  See how much you can find out about her.  If you’re lucky you’ll find her phone number and maybe even home address.  Also, she might have an old Myspace page that she just left sitting there when she moved over to Facebook.  This is always a great place to learn more about your new victim love.

On that Myspace page you will probably find pictures of her. Maybe even some of her in a bikini.  Save those so you can make your shrine to her.  Also, you will find out who her friends are and what kind of music she loves and shit like that.

Then start learning the places she likes to hang out at.  Like coffee houses, bars, restaurants and if she likes to go for walks at the local park or whatever.  After you do this, start scouting those places out at different times of the day and find out when she’s there.

Don’t go in immediately.  Just sit back and watch.  It helps to wear a disguise and park in an inconspicuous location while doing your research.   Gather all the info you can.  Take pictures, make notes and be thorough.

Now that you have all this down, formulate your plan.  Start showing up at her favorite places and bumping into her.  Be like “HEY! Didn’t I just see you at Starbucks earlier today?” And she’ll be like “Oh yeah! I saw you there!”

You know why? Cause she noticed that you were wearing a t-shirt of her favorite band and ordering the exact same thing she was about to order.  THIS is where your research is paying off.  And, now? Now you’re at the park, staying shape like she likes to do and you’re walking your pet bulldog that you just got at the local animal shelter after reading her blog about how she still missed her pet bulldog “Brutus” that died when she was 12 on her old Myspace page that she forgot she had. 

This is important.  Don’t use her current Facebook page, blog or Twitter for research.  It needs to be on that old page she forgot about.  That way it won’t seem weird or creepy. Women don’t notice things like this and won’t put all the pieces together until it’s much too late you guys are already in love

So, now you can ask her for her phone number and you’re in!  Just start calling her like every half hour asking her out and telling her how much you love her and how you can’t live without her.  Tell her how you saw her at her favorite bar the other night with her friends and how her ass was looking delicious in that short dress.  And then ask her about that guy she was grinding on while dancing.  Be forceful wanting to know who he is and stuff.

Then, tell her about how you were driving by her house every hour or so all night long and noticed that she seems to go to bed around midnight cause that’s when the lights go out.  And you saw that she leaves the house at around 7:30 in the morning.  But that you noticed that she didn’t get home until around 5 am the night you saw her at the bar and ask just what she was doing all night.

Finally, tell her about how you fantasize about her while you’re masturbating every single night.  Be graphic.  Don’t leave any details out.  Chicks really love that. 

Hope this helps.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Careful What You Wish For

Cheers and Hello my IWS friends.

Matt-Man here to give you a little something, something, about friendship.

Now, dig it…

Many months ago, I told a strange yet true story about how my wife would never divorce me, because well, it wasn’t on her “things to do list”, even though I had begged her to do so for years.

Well, lo and behold, I guess it is now.

It seems that as our son Ryno, is creeping upon college age, she would finally like to get divorced, so that he can accrue more Financial Aid and perhaps tuition relief than he would get if his mom were otherwise married to me.

Really? Not so fast, Miss Matriculation. Allow us to cover some facts…

We split up some twelve years ago…In those twelve years, you berated me, chided me, told me I was no good, and otherwise said to me and the world, “Matt sucks.”

In addition to never being able to see my own kid (because I’m a danger, and live with a woman who neither hits me nor spits on me) within the confines of my own house, which I could have court ordered that I did, I let it go, and amicably let by gones be by gones and serviced you with money.

But…You never seemed to want that divorce thing, and in fact, you said it was me that was preventing it. We both know that was, well…not true.

But I digress…Okay no I don’t ..In fact, I have more shit to say about you.

Nowwwwww it seems, you want that divorce so you can get a little more money from those who give financial aid. Sure, you make fun of my income because it comes from a Drive-Thru, all the while accepting my income in the form of child support, but now…You want to make it appear as though it doesn't exist.

I don’t hate you, however, you never really thought all this out did you? You just decided that you and Ryno could get by on life by hating me, and every month you could collect your version of 200 dollars and Go.

There were many nights that I cried, because you took hold of Ryno, and kept him from me. There were many days that I felt awful, because I felt that I did the wrong thing by leaving, but…

Not so much anymore, because of the things you do, and you do it with such a, “What? I am just trying to look out for Ryno.” M’eh…you are looking out for yourself.

And that’s fine, and whatever you want I’ll give to you, because I have been dreaming of this day for years, but just remember….

Once we get divorced, there is no tax-free money, there is no "can I have some extra", there is no anything, in fact…

Come June 2013, there is no nothing, other than what I give Ryno, and just like my soul at that point, you’ll have no control over it.

Cheers!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Facebook...A Gateway To Cowardice

Happy Friiiiiiiiiday Bitches and welcome to the weekend on I’m With Stupid!!

Oh what a week it has been and let me tell you…if past is prologue, I have one fucked up future on my hands.  Or, possibly not.  Or…well, you decide.

I have many pet peeves, but one reared its ugly head last night, and by that, I mean, late last night which pissed me off, because I write in the moment and had to stay topical so I had to…

Erase my initial post and…oh sorry…Delete my initial post, and start over.

Anyhoo…

Something transpired over an innocuous Facebook post yesterday, that sent me into a tizzy.  And, if you don’t know what a tizzy is…

It is a state of heightened, what the fuckness. Anyway, a chick that I was close to up til’ some TWENTY-SEVEN years ago, commented on my Facebook page over a picture I posted.

Her response was funny and was in keeping with, her penchant for comedy, which proceeded a few more funny comments which were posted by others and then…?

Her comment was gone.

My old High School girlfriend deleted her comment.  It pissed me off.  It made me angry, and most importantly…

It made my most funny comeback to HER comment look as though I was talking to myself.  I hate that!!

The deletion of her comment made me angry because it revealed to me, something that I had always known.

People are fucking dicks.

And the worst thing?

People who are the closest, or at least used to be the closest, are the biggest dicks of all.

The chick who deleted her comment, gave me some lame excuse that it wasn’t worded well, and that’s why she did it.

Well, ten minutes after she typed that, and a like later, she “discovered” that.  Gimme a break.  She just doesn’t want to cause waves within her relationship.  And seriously, that’s fine, and if that is what it takes, have at it.

However…

If you are in a relationship with a person who doesn’t understand that women and men have been, will be, and can be friends with people from their past, present, and future in spite of their opposite gender, than really, do you really want to be part of their less than complex mentality?

I strike the theme with my friend as an example, but have seen it all too many times in others.

If a person loves you, they love you.

If they don’t?  They don’t.  It really is that simple.

A person can try to keep away other assumed suitors, interlopers, and tempters and temptresses, but in the end?

She loves you, and you love her; or you don’t.

In the meantime, there’s no reason to label a person who would like to talk to an old buddy, a threat.

Cheers!!
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Rebound Relationships: Leave Them to the Professionals

Hello and Happy Monday to all of you warm and wonderful I’m With Stupid fans, and fine folks everywhere.

Right now you are probably asking yourselves…

“Who is this man of quasi-handsome, yet non-threatening good looks….of nebulous ethnicity, of youngish age, and indeterminate tax bracket, religious affiliation, or social status?”

Well, IWS friends…

My name is Bryan DeBroun and I am the official Rebound Relationship Guy of I’m With Stupid.

Along with the dozens of hot chicks who know me, many of you men know me, as well…well, many of you with ex-girlfriends anyway.

Oh sure, you may not know me as Bryan DeBroun, but know me rather as the guy into whose arms your most recent, yet now former and broken-hearted ex-girlfriend fell while seeking solace and harbor from the emotional upheaval of your break-up.

Over my lifetime, I have been many things to many women…a shoulder on which to cry, a friendly face with which to share a long sought after laugh, as well as a Freudian Surgeon who can repair a shattered ego.

While I cherish my lot in life as Rebound Relationship Guy, it is one that does not come without its difficulties and risks to both mind and body.

For instance…Now that I have revealed my identity, I’m sure that there are more than a few of you guys reading this, that want to track me down and beat the living shit out of me.

Please…I am not the guy upon whom you should exact your violent and infinite justice.  Nooooo.

I am but a mere teller of hopeful tales, a spinner of feel good yarns, and court jester to those ladies in need of a few weeks of faux love in order to rebuild their feline fiefdoms of sexual prowess and femininity within their core being.

You see guys?  I am not here to replace you permanently.  Hell, I don’t have the staying power nor the desire for that.  I am simply here to put your ex-gal on track.  To right her ship…To wish her "Bon Love-age", and send her back to the sea of singleness with a firm and even keel upon her stern.

I am not some diabolical emotional rapist who preys upon the vulnerabilities of a woman who has recently gone through the heartbreak and troubled waters of a romantic split.  Quite the contrary.

In fact, I am the Bridge Over Troubled Water that prevents the ladies from falling into the rushing waters of the abyss while helping them to reach the other side.

And guys, to reiterate my point, it’s the guy she meets at the other end of the bridge that you want to beat the shit out of, not me.

Now I know some of you are saying…

“Jesus Christ, DeBroun.  I don’t care what you say.  You are doing this for the rebound sex!!”

Not true…I rarely have sex with the rebound chicks.  We typically engage in tight hugs for her reassurance. A friendly swat on the ass, in order to let her know she’s still attractive, and mutual giggling as I innocently look in on her as she showers and ask her what she would like for breakfast.

In full IWS disclosure however…

There have been times during my myriad of 4-6 week rebound relationships that over our third bottle of wine while watching Steel Magnolias during the part where Julia Roberts dies, that I have innocently and inadvertently brought up how the chick’s last guy pushed her down the stairs, set fire to the stuffed animal he won for her at the amusement park, or got drunk at her mom’s funeral.

Whenever I make a slip up like that, they seem to want to cry, be held, kiss, and then just roll wet and naked with it.  It’s wacky, but I promise, never pre-meditated on my part.

Well my friends…I just wanted to say hi, introduce myself, and let you know that I am here to help you out should you need to rebound.

To all the guys, keep your chins up and fists off of mine, and to all the ladies out there…

When it's time to cross that bridge, remember...I am that bridge.

With the Deepest of Temporary Love,

Bryan DeBroun

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

And folks...Jayman interviewed the Matt-Man live on I'm With Stupid Saturday night. If you want to listen to a gut wrenching, deep, yet hilarious interview, give it a listen. It is 45 minutes of stellarosity...

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Mr. Advice Giver

Hola Bitches! You know, one of the burdens/benefits of being a world famous internet radio host is that people often times write me for advice. Now, I try not to get too involved in the lives of the little people, but I am a man full of deep thought and wisdom, and I guess that really shines through here and on the show. Every once in a while I feel that I should help a few people out and hopefully others who have the same problems will get some help too. So here are a few emails I have received recently from people in need of good advice…

“Hey Jay, this might seem like I’m overanalyzing things, but I need your advice on something. There’s this chick I met on the internet who I’m kind of smitten with and I’ve been trying work slow so as to not mess things up. I haven’t been getting much feedback and I’ve been worried it’s because she didn’t like me.

Then I sent her a “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year” email and tried to make it pretty clear that I wish I was spending the holidays with her without saying anything too corny, you know? Anyway, she emails me back thanking me and then says “I hope you get everything you deserve in the New Year.”

At first I thought this was really nice, but now I’m wondering what she meant by “deserve.” I mean, if she doesn’t like me and thinks I’m a creep, she might think I deserve to have my ass kicked by some gang members or something. What do you think? Was her holiday wish good or bad?”

- Worried Willy in Wilmington

Dear Willy, I’m afraid you’re fucked. More than likely she thinks you’re a weasely stalker type who is too much of a pussy to just come out tell her how you feel. She figures she would be able to walk all over you and women hate that. Best thing to do is to send her an email telling her that you’re sick and tired of the way she treats you like shit and you can do so much better than ghetto trash like her. She’ll rent a car or get a plane ticket to come visit you and beg you to be her man.

“Hola Jayman! I have a major decision to make and you’re the only one who can help me out. I’m a high school senior and I have to decide between the Air Force Academy and West Point. Which one should I go with?”

- Patriotic Paul in Peoria

Dear Paul, more like “Pretentious Paul” amirite? That email was the most pathetic HumbleBrag email ever. But, in the outside chance that you aren’t just trying to remind me of my past and present academic and professional failures, I would say go with the Air Force. The army might send you to some pretty unsavory locations while you could get stationed somewhere really mysterious and exotic in the air force like Minot, ND.

“Jayman! I need your help sooooooooo bad! I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and we finally started having sex. But, there’s a problem. He’s really HUGE. I mean freaking HUNG dude. And, it just isn’t comfortable for me. I don’t know what to do? Will it get better?”

- Sore Sherry in Sheridan

Dear Sherry. Leave him now before you become more attached to him. It won’t get any better at all. His best option is to just admit that he’s gay and come on out of the closet. I know this is shocking, but we all know that all men who are really well endowed are gay. It’s a proven fact.

So, there you have it folks. As you can see I’m a brilliant advice giver and am great about staying completely impartial and never let my emotions or biases get the better of me. So, if you have any big dilemmas that you’re facing, don’t hesitate to get in touch with me and I’ll do the best I can to help you out.

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook: Jayman68
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS