Hope Springs Eternal In Springfield, Ohio

Cheers and a Happy Tuesday to you all from cold, desolate, and depressing Springfield, Ohio...aka Bagwine, Ohio.

Last year, the Winter of 2013-2014 was brutal.  It got cold in November and the fungus of frigidity stayed around til' damn near May, and...it seemed to snow every damn day.  Not a lot, but an inch or two all the fricking way from November through April.

This Winter?  The winter of 2014-2015 hasn't been as bad overall, but it has at this point become more depressing.  Allow me to 'splain.

Last winter, the weather turned brutally cold and snowy right around Thanksgiving and continued through May.  It was constant.  By January, I never even looked at the weather forecast prior to going into the Beer Mine because I knew what the forecast was...COLD and a good chance of snow.  I got used to it, and expected it.

This Winter however, after a cold November, December and most of January were tame.  We had very little snow, and temps that weren't a great departure from seasonal averages.

We at the Beer Mine, (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. in Bagwine, OH) and indeed all of the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio, were figuring on an average Winter and looking forward to an early Spring...and then?

February came...

Around February 9th, the temperatures plummeted and haven't jacked themselves off enough to get their impotent mercuries to rise out of the teens during the day while lying  flaccid in the below zero readings at night.  And on top of that...the snows have come.

After a nearly snow-less November-January, the snows have been raining down upon the greater Bagwine Metroplex leaving nothing but, high albedo, ill-used mixed metaphors, and or badly written allusions in their wake.

This February has been the most depressing February I can remember.  It has been fucking cold, and it has hampered my ability to be the creative and bon vivant person that I am, and that our vast and diverse worldwide IWS Radio expect, because unlike last year, this winter seemed to at first, be a less than snow-filled cupcake.

However, hope springs eternal...At the aforementioned Beer Mine, we have a board upon which I update how many days there are until Spring.  Sure, the owner Drive-By Mike chastises me and says to me...

"Spring is just an astronomical occurrence when the sun shines directly upon the equator during the vernal equinox.  It doesn't mean it will truly warm up."

Okay, he really doesn't say that in those terms, because well...he wouldn't know what that meant, but he does have a point.

However, as a pragmatic optimist, I have to believe that Spring with all of it's tulip bulbing, dogwood leaf bearing glory, is just around the corner.

If we can at some point, get into the thirties during the day, I could once again believe in seeing the pulchritudinal tulip bulbs burgeon into beautiful flowers on the plains of Bagwine, Ohio.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Stream of Haikuciousness...When Matt-Man Develops His Spontaneous Asian Side

Yesterday on the IWS website, Jayman posted an exquisitely done stream of consciousness post.  I mean…

It was so damn well done, that while the tears of James Joyce were falling from Heaven, Jayman was receiving a call from the Ted Cruz organization begging Jayman to be their filibuster writer from here on out.

So?  I thought I’d do a little stream of consciousness writing myself, however…

Just to mix it up a little, I thought I’d stream my consciousness in the form of haikus.

So here ya go, Matt-Man’s Stream of Haikusciousness…

This winter drags on
Will it end anytime soon?
I seriously doubt it.

This Steel Reserve
Is quite tasty and so warm,
Fuck Mother Nature.

I’m off this Sunday
Facebook friends better beware,
Ima gonna drink.

Sausage, toast, and eggs
That sounds incredibly good.
So much effort though.

I just lit a smoke
I take a deep drag, and smile
Newport Reds taste swell.

Lent is almost here
I need to give up something
Bread and pasta…Gone!!

My zipper is down
I find that extremely odd
Hands were typing keys.

I bet Kate Upton
Is really awful in bed
Not allowed to bite and mar her picture perfect tits.

My last Kate haiku
Did not follow haiku rules
Oh well…suck it, Kate.

Chicken nuggets, not eggs

eggs?

Nuggets are much less trouble.
Eggs may have to sit.

I just touched my dick.
No, I didn’t have an itch
I just wanted to.

Why do people judge?
Schmoop is sound asleep in bed
And I am horny.

Thank you, and have a great Thursday…I shall spend mine saying “5-7-5” to myself.

Today’s drawer at the Beer Mine is gonna be so fucked up.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Mother Nature and Old Man Winter Can Kiss My Clean Shaven Head

Cheeeeeers Bitches!!

Y’know?  I can’t speak for everyone…

But Old Man Winter and Mother Nature have been having a sub-zero FuckFest this winter at our expense.

These past three and half months here in Ohio, have been nothing but an endless stream of bullshit…And I’m talking cold, snowy, booger freezing bullshit.

It has snowed nearly every damn day, and the cold air clings to us like a Danish tiger clinging to a lifeless, yet delicious giraffe.

For weeks, I have told myself that weather patterns will change and we’ll at least hit our averages of mid-30’s during the day, but…no such luck.  We have been mired in the teens during the days, and in the single to below zero digits during the nights.

So?

I am taking extreme measures, and willing the temps to moderate using extreme measures of Karma.

After weeks of growing a beard and a sparsely populated head of hair in order to combat the polar vortices that have smothered our area this winter season, I have cleaned myself up, and shaved both face and head.

Here was my rugged winter chin at approximately 8:30 PM last night…

And here is my smooth, luxurious chin and face now…

Here was my fucked up looking think melon last night at the same time…

And here is my sexy, smooth container of a genius IQ now…

Pretty sexy, no?

Damn right, and let me tell you…

I know it’s going to continue to be cold for the foreseeable future, but mark my words, my courage in doing the follicle cleansing is going to make the Gods and Goddesses of Warmth shine upon me, and Old Man Winter and Mother Nature will be kissing my ass.

And they should…mainly because I am now bald, clean shaven, and most of all…I'm beautiful.

Or Something.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iwsradio
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This Winter Is Messin' With My Mind!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Y’know?  This winter is messing with my mind, my innate good-nature, and my body.  This winter is a wicked pissah!!

The previous two winters, at least here in Bagwine, Ohio, have been very above average…not so cold, not a lot of snow, but this winter?

The winter of 2013-14 has brought the “average” Ohio winter back to its average by being really nasty and really hurtful.

We have suffered through wind chill driven temps to 40 below.  It’s snows nearly every day.  It’s gray, gloomy, and menacing 85% of each and every week.

Listen to me, I am a guy who enjoys a bit of snow, a bit of booger-freezing temps, and some chaotic slip-sliding away traffic highlights on the news, but damn…

This winter, in a word…Sucks.

I hate this winter, mainly because, while I enjoy being a realist and having some self-control, and a “whatever will be, will be” attitude about all things uncontrollable…

I wish I could control Mother Nature enough that I could stick an ice pick crafted by Mother Nature’s very own uncaring hand, and ram it through her cold, callous, and unforgiving frozen heart…several times over.

Ma Nature, needs to die.  And even if I have to have a sex-change operation to make it realistic, I have no qualms about being the axe-wielding Lizzie Borden who strikes her down.

Hell…Even the days run together.  I never know what day it is, and neither does my boss.  When I get to work he will ask me…“What the hell day is it?”

I nearly always reply with the correct answer, but for winter-driven self-assurance, I add a question mark to my reply…

“Wednesday?”

Oh dear GAWD…this winter cannot end soon enough.  As I type this, we are getting hammered yet again by the dastardly douche bag that is Mother Nature, and the snow is falling like the anti-manna from the sky.

Am I bitter?

You’re Goddamn right I am.

The last two months have yielded nothing other than a ghastly, ice cold furnace that blows out nothing more than frozen confetti from the sky, and sub-zero heartache upon my soul…and more importantly, upon my nether regions.

And you know what?

I want my nether regions to be able to cooperate with my libido for at least a couple of more years.  I’m not asking for much.

I just want an average winter, which complies with the length of my manhood and with my average libido.

See?

During the winter season, I always tell Schmoop, that for every inch of snow we get, you will get an inch of Matt-Man

Well folks, we've had like 36 inches of snow this winter, which means one thing...

Yours truly has had to have sex with Schmoop 10 12 18 times the past two months!!

Thanks a lot Mother Nature; your demands are set way too high...and I hate you!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

You Won't Believe What Happened at Work Yesterday

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, Matt-Man here.

You are not going to believe what happened to me and the owner of the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Road in Bagwine, OH.) yesterday.

I got there, as I always do, around 2 P.M.  Mike (the owner) and I were making small talk about how cold it has been and how much colder it will be getting, and then?

BAM!!  SPLASH!! BAZINGA!! CRASH!!

We both raced out of the semi-warm office to find what the noise was, and lo and behold, we couldn‘t believe our own sets of paired eyes as we stared at the drive thru floor and cooler doors.

I looked at Mike, and asked him…

“Holy Cow!!  Can you believe that shit?”

And Mike responded with much the same disbelief…

“Damn, that is fucking crazy!!”

We stared in disbelief for twenty seconds or so, although it seemed like an hour, and then looked at each other, and spontaneously and simultaneously said to one and other with mouths agape…

“This is July 24, 2012 all over again!!”

Just as we were preparing to fix the catastrophe, our buddy and one of our regulars, Keith, pulls in and says…

“Holy Shit…What the hell just happened?  That’s fucked up.”

Mike told him that maybe he should just take his beer, quit staring, and move along, but shortly afterward, as Mike and I were discussing what to do, Casey pulled in.

Ah yes, the affable, adorable, and hot Casey of the long reddish-brown hair, perky personality, and perkier breasts pulled in and said…

“Ha!!  You guys have quite the mess on your hands.  Could I get a case of Bud Light, a pack of smokes, and a bottle of wine while you are cleaning up.?”

After Mike and I argued over who would wait on Casey while the other began to clean up the devastation, I gave Casey her change, collected a well-deserved tip, and Mike said to me…

“Matt-Man, come here…You ain't going to believe what this shit left behind.”

And I didn't…It was supernatural.

After the events of July 24, 2012, I never believed that this would have ever happened at the Beer Mine again, and then Mike said to me…

“You know? We go to work every day; we do right by the Lord, and yet?  This same shit keeps happening over and over again.”

I looked upon the catastrophe that had just taken place, and with Mike’s words in my head said unto myself…

“Mike speaks the truth, but damn, and in spite of the suffering that took place here today…That Casey chick is hot.”

And there you go…a story of mayhem, rue, and regret from the Beer Mine.  May your today be better than your yesterday.

And let me tell you...if this ever happens again, you will be the first to know!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Postcards From the Middle of January

Cheers Chuckleheads.  You know what happens today at Noon?

At Noon today, we will be smack dab in the middle of the month of January.

Smack dab, I tell ya.  And you know what else I say unto you?

January sucks!!

You know how bad January sucks, at least here in Ohio?

If you took the self-denial and sexual repression of Marcus Bachmann, stirred in the hate of Ann Coulter, blended it with a modicum of Barack Obama’s lack of a backbone, and gave it just a hint of the smell of Chris Christie’s asshole, then?

You would know what the middle of January in Ohio is like.

As I said…It sucks.

If January was an animal, it would be a donkey.

A big, gray, uncaring donkey with big, cold, steely donkey balls.  And every time the wind blows, which is often in January, those big donkey balls would smack one upside the head leaving nothing but heartache upon one’s soul, and testicular indentations upon one’s face.

January loves no one.  January feels for no one.  January is a cold, selfish bitch, and I am glad we are now halfway done with her, because the bitch that is January, cannot die soon enough.

January is the desert of the four winter months.  A desert of a month that contains no oasis, and holds no hope.

See, as far as three of the four winter months…

December ushers in the winter , but also the joy of the holidays.  February gives us Super Bowl parties, the love of Valentine’s Day, and the teasing of the warmer March spring to follow in but a couple of weeks, and when we do hit March, St. Patrick’s Day gives a joyous shout out to all in the form green beer and red mercury on the rise.

January?  What the hell does January give us?

A hangover on New Year’s Day.  Over-Hyped College Bowl Games.  Snow. Wind. Gray Skies, and as an exclamation point atop its rudeness…

January provides us all with our W-2 Income Tax Form, which puts into print and to the dollar and decimal point, just how insignificant and worthless we truly are.

January is a reminder that no matter how bad things were the last eleven months, they can always get worse, and do…at least for the thirty-one days during which she has her way.

January is many things…a hateful ex-wife…an IRS auditor…Dan Dierdorf…and the lack of joy and excitement inside of  Mika Brzezinski’s bedroom, all rolled into one insufferable month, but?

We are now a mere two weeks away from February…

A month that holds not only great Super Bowl party food, Cupid, and the birthday of yours truly, but the hope that spring will once again spring eternally, and on schedule as well.

So, and in summation…January blows donkey dicks, and its donkey balls, but there is hope, and…

It is always better to believe in the light of February rather than curse the donkey balls that are January.

Or something like that…however one puts it…January Sucks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Cold Jokes are as Dry as They are Weary

Happy Hump Day ladies and gentlemen…Matt-Man here with some not so funny stand-up comedic type jokes for ya…

Unless you live in the desert southwest and/or the fucking tip of Florida, you know that of late, it has been colder than Ann Coulter’s pussy.

Yeah, I said that…so in honor of the Polar Vortex that has gripped the nation, here are some, “It’s so cold outside…” jokes…

From Tiffany…“It’s so cold outside, I should wear socks.”  Ha Ha…Floridians are so damn funny.

From my wake-up buddy Amy…“It’s so cold outside, I peed an icicle.”  As Amy lives in Alabama, I understand that she pees outside as most Alabamians do.

Now our wonderful friend Jeff, imparted one that wasn’t half-bad…

“It’s colder than a room full of ex-wives.”

Not bad, but I have no idea why his reference dealt with plural ex-wives.  We may have to talk to him about that.

And then I heard this…

“It's so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself 
to women.”

And then there is this…

 “It’s so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.”

The only reason that I find this one funny, is because when working at the Beer Mine Drive-Thru during the winter?

It’s a constant 38 degrees sans wind in the beer cooler, and yeah, THAT big ass beer refrigerator keeps one warm relative to the actual outside.

Lastly, I got this one on Facebook last night…

“It's so cold outside that my sac feels like two peas in a mail mans leather bag.”

I have no idea what that means….I don’t know why a mailman/mail woman would be delivering pea pods, but I liked it because somebody participated in my shout out for jokes.

And that’s good enough for me.

Oh sure, this post could be longer and much more scintillating, but damn, it’s cold outside!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

matmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Preparing for Winter Storms

Hola y’all! When this post goes live we will be just about halfway through the Great Ice Storm of Death 2013 here in Redneckville. The sleet started around 9 a.m. Thursday morning and continued throughout the day mixed with some freezing rain, drizzle and snow. Sometime in the early morning hours it should change over to snow which will fall all damn day tomorrow. I know you are worried about my well-being, but let me reassure you that so far I am fine. There’s still a long ways to go of course.

As I endure this terrible ordeal it occurred to me that maybe I should help others should they be faced with a life threatening storm too. So, here are the rules of dealing with any Great Ice Storm of Death …

Panic: It’s never too early to panic. In fact, you’re much better off panicking too early than too late. If you wait too late then you are using up the energy you’ll need to survive and that’s no good at all. By panicking early you can make a LOOOOOOOOOOONG grocery list full of stuff that is bad for you and make sure you have enough stuff for dinners to last you well into the next year. It doesn’t matter that you will probably be able to get out of the house in a couple of days. This is no time for reason.

Worry: The more you worry, the less likely it is that things will get really bad. “What will I do if the power goes out and stays out for several days?” is a very common concern. If you worry about it then you will make very elaborate plans for what to do. You will get out a sketch pad and draw up a nifty little freezer made out of the ice and snow complete with the dimensions to make sure it will be big enough. Trust me, this works.

Groceries: Even if your pantry and fridge are full you STILL need some more groceries. You need milk, bread and eggs. Scrambled eggs and toast will provide you with the protein and carbs you need to get through any crisis. While you’re there you should get some comfort food too. You’ll need something to sooth your nerves. Chocolate will do nicely. Maybe something crunchy like Doritos or Cheetos too. Oh and how ‘bout stopping by the Pizza Pizza place and picking up two pepperoni pizzas for around $10. If the power goes out you can have cold pizza for a couple of days.

Alcohol: It’s going to be cold. The power might even go out and it will be even colder! What better way to warm up than with a little nip of some bourbon or scotch or tequila or red wine? NOTHING! Also, the alcohol will help calm your nerves and allow you to deal with the storm in a much more calm and rational manner. Plus, you can get drunk and drunk dial/text/message your friends to help pass the time and avoid boredom.

You do these simple things and you will be full prepared to weather the storm and the aftermath. You can just stay in your home for several days reading, surfing the net and watching movies and football on TV. You will be far less inconvenienced than all those losers who didn’t panic, worry and plan enough. Those poor saps will be out there trying to scrape the ice off their cars then risk their lives to get to Walmart to get beer, wine and cigarettes. And maybe some milk, bread and eggs.

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Winter and Masturbation...They Both Grow Old

cheers chuckleheads!!

Did that greeting sound, or read, like I forced it?

Well it should.

Poor ol’ Matty Boy is under the weather emotionally…Literally.  I have had enough of winter…especially this winter.

This winter drags on and on without significant snowfall or arctic temps.  It continues to be merely a quasi-cold, dreary, and gray winter, and yet clings to and tortures my soul and good nature like grim death.

And?  It somewhat mirrors where my life is right now, especially as to where my lack of sex life is concerned.

Listen…My BFF/OSP, and compadre Schmoop got very sick back in October.  And while her illness is no longer life-threatening, she had major surgery and still has an obnoxious tube jutting from her stomach.

It’s been five months and will be at least six months when all is said and done before I can once again touch her in the biblical sense.

And that’s predicated on the fact she’ll once again allow me to “touch her!!”  Which?  Always remains in question once she is free from her bile duct tube bondage.

Anyhoo…

With the lovely Schmoop sexually incapacitated over lo these many winter months, I have had to seek an alternative method of sexual fulfillment, namely, masturbation.  And you know what?

It’s just not doing it for me anymore.  It’s kinda like how I feel about winter itself.

I LOVE summer, but I still in my advanced years, get excited about the first snowfall.  It’s all pure, clean, and pretty, and then…after a few, long, turgid months of the alabaster shit, I am ready for the grass to once again grow green.

It’s been the same way about masturbating these past few months with Schmoop on injured reserve.  Sure the first few times were pretty cool, because I was envisioning dorking Tyra Banks, Kate Upton, and Jon Meachem, but lately?

As the winter grows long, so do the cramps in my hand and the callouses upon my penis, and my thoughts have turned to cheap and tawdry masturbation.

Due to the dreariness of this Ohio winter, in the morning when I awake and see yet another gray and melancholy sky…I touch myself and think of dirty, unwashed chicks like, Kristen Stewart and Amy Winehouse.

It’s just…not…right.  Especially the Amy Winehouse thing because she’s dead and it’s like I’m participating in some kind of Haitian necrophilia masturbation, voodoo ceremony.

Ick…

I long for Spring and its verdant and awe-inspiring colors, because if Schmoop still has the tube in her, I can at least jack-off in a better and more hopeful mood, and envision myself having a three-way with Kate Upton and Tyra Banks.

That would be nice.

So…During this Lenten Season, could you all say a prayer for me?  I have given up Rose.  I have given up Steel Reserve, and by de facto dictate I have given up sex, because, listen….

My hand is tired of me; I am tired of my hand, and Schmoop’s tube isn't coming out for another few weeks. So...help a brutha out and pray for me.  Aight?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Annnnnnd, if you missed Jayman and I yesterday LIVE on Blog Talk Radio, you can catch us in the archives. We talked Chuck Hagel, Seth MacFarlane, the Oscars, and cunts!!  It was awesome!!

Wine Makes the Winter Go Quickly

Cheers and a cordial Friday to you all.  Matt-Man here.

A Matt-Man who is feeling, shall we say, slightly moderated and oh, I don’t know, rustic, in the sense of sharp cheese, crusty bread, washed back with a good wine kind of way.

Yes indeed, my friends.  I do get to feeling this way at this time of year…The time of year when the January winds blow cold and raw, ushering in nothing but snow…and ice…and of course, the gray, low hanging skies of despair.

This is the time of year when the light of the sun is turned way down low, and the howling winds along with the banshee cries of crows foraging for parking lot French Fries thrown asunder by Wal*Mart shoppers, de-harmonize into a cacophony of every awful 70’s porn sound track ever made.

And as the low winter sky dims, and the discordant symphony echoes through every forest, glen, and valley, Mother Nature and Old Man Winter get their groove on above us.

As their sick and surreal bodies writhe in pleasure during their frigid and frozen lovemaking, we, against our collective will, become the recipients and caretakers of their offspring.

The winter twins known as, Heartache and Sorrow.

But my friends, do not allow your timbers to be shivered, for there is hope.  There is a panacea that helps to preempt the evil duo’s procreation and prevent the prodigy of the pernicious winter pair from visiting your parlor.

I discovered it years ago during the, I Lost My Big Toe Due to Hypothermia Winter of Aught Three. It is called…Wine.

I know.  I know.  Matt-Man is a big beer drinker you say in disbelief, but c’mon, as you know, I also enjoy my share of Wild Irish Rose.

I know. I know. You reply once more, “But that’s not really wine. That’s a death sentence.”  Please…it is more than wine; it’s a life giving force.  However…

If you’re not into the, in your face force of Wild Irish Rose, you can always drink a wine called Flowerface in order to get you through the doldrums of winter.

I have tried it and I love it; although for me, it does have one drawback…It has an actual cork.  As more of connoisseur of twist off wines, I was at first hesitant, but…

I fear the cork no longer, and will drink it again and again especially in the winter, and why is that, you ask?

In addition to the well-noticed, but not overpowering taste, it is perhaps the most aromatic wine I have ever had.  The aroma is prefect for winter drinking, because once you open the bottle, it smells like spring.

When I opened a bottle of Flowerface the other night and the aroma embraced my nose, I was envisioning dancing naked ‘neath a warm and life-giving vernal rain shower, as flowers budded and burgeoned around me, and my neighbor screamed, “Why are you dancing naked in my garden?  I’m calling the police!!”

And while the dancing naked in a neighbor’s garden may be a bit of poetic license on my part, the smell of the Flowerface wine that I experienced, is not.  It is very good.

So there you have it.  Matt-Man being helpful as always, and helping you to get through the doldrums of winter with my ultimate word of advice…

Drink more wine, and if you’d like to drink a bottle of what Spring feels like, contact MCM Imports and they can hook you up on where to get some Flowerface, and their other fine wines.

Of course, as I am also true to my love of the Bagwine that is Wild Irish Rose…Here’s an old video of Jayman, for the first time, drinking a bottle of WIR that I had sent him:

                           
Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS