Winter and Masturbation...They Both Grow Old

cheers chuckleheads!!

Did that greeting sound, or read, like I forced it?

Well it should.

Poor ol’ Matty Boy is under the weather emotionally…Literally.  I have had enough of winter…especially this winter.

This winter drags on and on without significant snowfall or arctic temps.  It continues to be merely a quasi-cold, dreary, and gray winter, and yet clings to and tortures my soul and good nature like grim death.

And?  It somewhat mirrors where my life is right now, especially as to where my lack of sex life is concerned.

Listen…My BFF/OSP, and compadre Schmoop got very sick back in October.  And while her illness is no longer life-threatening, she had major surgery and still has an obnoxious tube jutting from her stomach.

It’s been five months and will be at least six months when all is said and done before I can once again touch her in the biblical sense.

And that’s predicated on the fact she’ll once again allow me to “touch her!!”  Which?  Always remains in question once she is free from her bile duct tube bondage.

Anyhoo…

With the lovely Schmoop sexually incapacitated over lo these many winter months, I have had to seek an alternative method of sexual fulfillment, namely, masturbation.  And you know what?

It’s just not doing it for me anymore.  It’s kinda like how I feel about winter itself.

I LOVE summer, but I still in my advanced years, get excited about the first snowfall.  It’s all pure, clean, and pretty, and then…after a few, long, turgid months of the alabaster shit, I am ready for the grass to once again grow green.

It’s been the same way about masturbating these past few months with Schmoop on injured reserve.  Sure the first few times were pretty cool, because I was envisioning dorking Tyra Banks, Kate Upton, and Jon Meachem, but lately?

As the winter grows long, so do the cramps in my hand and the callouses upon my penis, and my thoughts have turned to cheap and tawdry masturbation.

Due to the dreariness of this Ohio winter, in the morning when I awake and see yet another gray and melancholy sky…I touch myself and think of dirty, unwashed chicks like, Kristen Stewart and Amy Winehouse.

It’s just…not…right.  Especially the Amy Winehouse thing because she’s dead and it’s like I’m participating in some kind of Haitian necrophilia masturbation, voodoo ceremony.

Ick…

I long for Spring and its verdant and awe-inspiring colors, because if Schmoop still has the tube in her, I can at least jack-off in a better and more hopeful mood, and envision myself having a three-way with Kate Upton and Tyra Banks.

That would be nice.

So…During this Lenten Season, could you all say a prayer for me?  I have given up Rose.  I have given up Steel Reserve, and by de facto dictate I have given up sex, because, listen….

My hand is tired of me; I am tired of my hand, and Schmoop’s tube isn't coming out for another few weeks. So...help a brutha out and pray for me.  Aight?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Annnnnnd, if you missed Jayman and I yesterday LIVE on Blog Talk Radio, you can catch us in the archives. We talked Chuck Hagel, Seth MacFarlane, the Oscars, and cunts!!  It was awesome!!

Matt Said, Jay Said 21613

Matt whimpers…Jay moans…You get their assisted living rooms ready.

Matt:  Hellooooo?
Jay:  Wait a minute…(garbled noise) (more garbled noise) Okay…Hi.
Matt:  What the hell were you doing?  Stuffing a dead hooker in your fridge?
Jay:  I was tryi----
Matt:  Hold on…my boss is calling me, I’ll you alert as to when he is done.
Jay:  Okay.

(five minutes pass, Jay calls back)

Matt:  Howdy.
Jay:  Could you answer your damn phone?
Matt:  I just did.
Jay:  I mean on the first ring.
Matt:  Hell no…I’m old, and my kidneys hurt.  Takes me awhile to get to it.
Jay:  Alright.
Matt:  How’s your back?
Jay:  It has felt like shit since I put together that table this week.
Matt:  Whatafuckingshame…What are we going to talk about on Saturday’s show?

Jay:  I was going to ask you.
Matt:  Well…I had two thoughts.
Jay:  Wow, that’s impressive…and unprecedented.
Matt:  Cute…Either, Open Phone Line Saturday, or a President’s Day show type thing and...
Jay:  Giving up Rose and Steel Reserve has made you more lucid, but I dunno, those ideas seem a bit….
Matt:  Orrrrrr…We could talk about guys who are afraid to give up Pepsi for Lent.

Jay:  I loooooove the Open Phone Line Saturday idea.
Matt:  Yeah. I mean the President’s Day thing would be good, but…
Jay:  But who really cares?
Matt:  Exactly…we want numbers and ratings.
Jay:  Damn right, we’re not beneath putting quantity before quality.
Matt:  Never have been.
Jay:  Never will.

Matt:  We can encourage listeners to call-in and get whatever is on their chest, off their chest.
Jay:  They could speak their mind about the Russian meteor, Chuck Hagel, or the State of the Union.

Matt:  They could chime in on Oscar Pistorius the legless sprinter who killed his girlfriend.
Jay:  Frankly, I am stumped as to why he did that.
Matt:  IKR?
Jay:  We could open up the phone lines for opinions on Christopher Dorner, and what constitutes a cabin.
Matt:  Excellent!!  We could also talk about the fact that today is Singles Awareness Day.

Jay:  It’s what?  Sing---?
Matt:  Singles Awareness Day.  After Valentine’s Day, single people have their special day.
Jay:  Oh wow…I didn't know that.
Matt:  Well now you do, so I guess in this case, an “Awareness Day” actually worked.
Jay:  How ‘bout that?  Fascinating.  I’ll make sure to nuke a special Hormel Meal for One today.

Matt:  So I guess we’re set.  Hope the listeners support our efforts and call-in, but if not…
Jay:  If not, we have plenty of magic with which to work our speculative comedy.
Matt:  Alrighty then. I will see you on the air at 11 PM ET tonight!!
Jay:  Yep…Provided my back doesn't go out again.
Matt:  And my kidney pain doesn't flare back up.
Jay and Matt:  I think we’re ready for Open Line Saturday!!

If you’d like to listen in, and or call-in LIVE TONIGHT at 11 PM ET on the IWS Open Line Radio Show you can click right : HERE
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More People We've Had Enough Of

Cheers Bitches!!

Yesterday, Jayman wrote about some people with whom he’s had enough.  He ended his insightful and biting piece of commentary with…

“I could go on, and on, and on. But, I won’t.”

I certainly understand that, however…I will pick up where the Jayman left off.

Hey Ray Lewis, Tim Tebow, other footballers, baseballers, basketballers, and NASCAR, um….ers…After a big play or a big win, don’t say it was God’s will and/or, He was watching over you. God doesn't give a damn who wins a football game, hits a home run, or nips another inbred driver at the checkered flag.

You can have, and enjoy all the personal faith and religion you want, but seriously?  When you say shit like that in your post-game interview?

God is looking down upon you saying, “What an asshole, I didn't even know they were playing today.”

There are a lot of Republicans not feeling the love of Obama wanting former U.S. Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE) to become his next Secretary of Defense.  Why is that?

Because among other things, Sen. C-Hage doesn’t kowtow to the Israeli lobbyists, and once said…

“The Jewish lobby intimidates a lot of people up here…. I’m not an Israeli senator. I’m a United States senator.”

GASP!!  Hagel doesn’t put Israel above all other nations, nor his own!?  Blasphemer!!

Y’know?

People who are appalled at that statement, need to shut the fuck up. Fuck both the government of Israel, and the U.S. legislators who are outraged when anything bad, or in this case, neutral, is said about the Israeli government and their biblical and svengali-like hold over the UNITED STATES Congress.

Hell…If Republicans and evangelicals had their way, Jerusalem’s answer to Terri Schiavo, one Ariel Sharon, would be our next U.S. Defense Secretary.

I thought Republicans were against Obama and his trip down Socialist Lane.  If  Republicans despise socialistic handouts, why are they not outraged that Israel is nothing more than a Middle East crack whore looking for a U.S. handout to the shofar tune of 80 Gazillion shekels a year?

Hey all of you self-absorbed morons who come through the Beer Mine while talking on your cell phone and have the audacity to give the, “Wait a minute finger.”  You are not that important, and I will tell you so and to move along, and if you want to complain to the owner?

Don’t bother…He’s not nearly as nice nor as diplomatic about that as I am.

Facebook?  Women on Facebook drive me nuts with their, "Women are special, but it takes the right man to see that."  Pfffffffft.

Women aren't any more special than men.  Some women are cunts, and some men are dickheads.  We're all human and some of us, including women, are assholes. You want equal rights?  Well, accept your equal rights, responsibility, and the fact that some of you are hideous, unlovable psychopaths.

Twitter People?  I love comments, retweets, and the like, but if it is in reference to something I tweeted six hours ago, just refrain from tweeting me something to the effect, “I absolutely agree, Matt-Man. Ha!!”

I will not have a clue as to what I said that you agree with.  I mean…I appreciate it and all, but six hours after the tweet?  Merely appreciate my tweet amongst yourself.

Don Imus, Sean Hannity, Ed Schultz, Rachel Maddow, and the Three Stooges on FOX and Friends in the mornings have their heads and egos up their asses so far, that they get hair on their tongue.

Especially Gretchen Carlson…Oh Dear God…That chick is proof positive that you need not be pretty on the inside nor the outside to be voted, Miss America.  Uuch.

Oh, and Lance Armstrong?  Just shut the hell up and change the name of your foundation from LiveStrong to LiveJuiced.

Cheater...pussy...crybaby...

Okay…I guess I am done for now…There are so many other people whom I have had enough of, but as Jayman said yesterday, I too, will simply say…

“I could go on, and on, and on. But, I won’t.”

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS