Hola y’all! It seems like almost everyone is just wandering
around being grumpy all the time these days. We’re all in a bad mood and we’re
taking it out on each other. But, WHY are we in such a bad mood all the time
lately? Well …
We have to constantly worry that the guy standing in line in
front of us at Walmart who can’t stop hacking and coughing might give us some
nasty virus like Ebola. Oh sure, government officials keep telling us how hard
it is to contract Ebola, but THE MOST TRUSTED NAME IN NEWS might beg to differ:
Not only are we worried that we or our family and friends
could catch something nasty we are also worried that our computers, tablets and
mobile devices could too:
Because of that we find ourselves looking for a distraction.
Maybe a distraction like Canadian tennis superstar Eugenie Bouchard in a
bikini, eh?
Of course that kind of distraction leads us to engage in
other no-so-wholesome activities:
But, halfway through that activity a little voice in our
heads reminds us of something that ruins the mood:
So now we know that when we reach the Pearly Gates we’re
gonna be asked why we were doing THAT and our only answer will be “I don’t
know. Boobs.”
We all know how THAT will work out:
So that’s why we walk around town all day with a frown on
our faces and are so grumpy all the time:
Hola y’all! Oh look! It’s my turn to post again. That’s great. That’s just fucking great! I’m so excited. Can’t you tell? Is anyone out there? Helloooooooooooooo? Give me a sign if you are. Tell me how much you love me. Or tell me I suck. I don’t give a shit. Okay, that’s not completely true. Well it depends on who says it. Most people could say that and I wouldn’t care. Some of you would hurt my widdle fee-fees. Not that I don’t want people to be honest with me. I totally do. I just have to warn them that their constructive criticism might not make any real difference. I mean, just like the late, great Don Williams* once sang “We’re all gonna be what we’re gonna be … So what do you do with good ol’ boys like me?” Dude was a freaking genius!
Holy shit I’m like a quarter of the way through this blog post already. I don’t know why I complain about it so much. Shit is easy! Oh sure, I spend all day trying to think of something good to write about and then when I’m about out of time I just open up MS Word and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH all over the page. Maybe someday I’ll actually come up with something interesting to write about. We’ll see. I’m a busy man though, so don’t get your hopes up.
I’ve got all kinds of crazy ideas going right now. This little infection thing, even though it’s not really that big of a deal, has got me thinking about being more healthy and shit. I told you guys recently that I was down to just one Pepsi a day, right? Well, now I’m done to ZERO Pepsi’s a day. How ‘bout that shit? I might still have one on Sunday afternoons while I’m sitting around not doing a damn thing though. Sunday is kind of a free day. Anyway, no more Pepsi and now I’m instituting a NO MEAT night once a week for dinner! On top of that, I’m gonna start meditation. Martin from Martin’s Muffler and Meditation Emporium has done inspired me…
That’s pretty damn HAWT right there! You know, I really should vlog more. I think I’ve said I was going to a few times and I just haven’t. What else is new? But, that takes time and effort and I’m a busy man. And now if I’m gonna be mediating and exercising and maybe even taking up yoga and shit, I’ll have even less time. Not to mention the lack of energy from not eating meat one night a week. That could be a killer! We’ll see. I haven’t done any driving around videos in a long time; maybe I should do some more of those. Hell, I don’t know. I’ll think about it.
You know, I might need a whole new online persona. I don’t know what that would be. It’s all just so complicated. I mean, just being myself would be the easiest, right? Wrong! There’s nothing easy about that at all. Everything is just so complicated. Why is that? It’s totally not fair. Of course, now that I think about it, I pretty have just been myself online. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I have multiple personalities and don’t realize it? People on TV who have multiple personalities don’t usually know it. Of course, one of their personalities always ends up killing someone who I hope that isn’t the case.
Well, Monday Night Football is about to start so I’ll worry about all this shit another time. I don’t like to be distracted when I’m watching football. I need to be able to focus on all the stupid things that Jon Gruden says while also being annoyed that he doesn’t have an “h” in his name. That shit just pisses me off. By the way, this is why I opposed President Obama’s nomination of Jeh Johnson as the new Secretary of Homeland Security. He spells his name “Jeh” but pronounces it “Jay?” I don’t think so Scooter. They should do away with the Department of Homeland Security anyway. But, that’s a discussion for another time.
*Update: My apologies to Don Williams who apparently is still alive. My bad dude, I'm a huge fan.
Did that greeting sound, or read, like I forced it?
Well it should.
Poor ol’ Matty Boy is under the weather emotionally…Literally. I have had enough of winter…especially this winter.
This winter drags on and on without significant snowfall or arctic temps. It continues to be merely a quasi-cold, dreary, and gray winter, and yet clings to and tortures my soul and good nature like grim death.
And? It somewhat mirrors where my life is right now, especially as to where my lack of sex life is concerned.
Listen…My BFF/OSP, and compadre Schmoop got very sick back in October. And while her illness is no longer life-threatening, she had major surgery and still has an obnoxious tube jutting from her stomach.
It’s been five months and will be at least six months when all is said and done before I can once again touch her in the biblical sense.
And that’s predicated on the fact she’ll once again allow me to “touch her!!” Which? Always remains in question once she is free from her bile duct tube bondage.
Anyhoo…
With the lovely Schmoop sexually incapacitated over lo these many winter months, I have had to seek an alternative method of sexual fulfillment, namely, masturbation. And you know what?
It’s just not doing it for me anymore. It’s kinda like how I feel about winter itself.
I LOVE summer, but I still in my advanced years, get excited about the first snowfall. It’s all pure, clean, and pretty, and then…after a few, long, turgid months of the alabaster shit, I am ready for the grass to once again grow green.
It’s been the same way about masturbating these past few months with Schmoop on injured reserve. Sure the first few times were pretty cool, because I was envisioning dorking Tyra Banks, Kate Upton, and Jon Meachem, but lately?
As the winter grows long, so do the cramps in my hand and the callouses upon my penis, and my thoughts have turned to cheap and tawdry masturbation.
Due to the dreariness of this Ohio winter, in the morning when I awake and see yet another gray and melancholy sky…I touch myself and think of dirty, unwashed chicks like, Kristen Stewart and Amy Winehouse.
It’s just…not…right. Especially the Amy Winehouse thing because she’s dead and it’s like I’m participating in some kind of Haitian necrophilia masturbation, voodoo ceremony.
Ick…
I long for Spring and its verdant and awe-inspiring colors, because if Schmoop still has the tube in her, I can at least jack-off in a better and more hopeful mood, and envision myself having a three-way with Kate Upton and Tyra Banks.
That would be nice.
So…During this Lenten Season, could you all say a prayer for me? I have given up Rose. I have given up Steel Reserve, and by de facto dictate I have given up sex, because, listen….
My hand is tired of me; I am tired of my hand, and Schmoop’s tube isn't coming out for another few weeks. So...help a brutha out and pray for me. Aight?
Annnnnnd, if you missed Jayman and I yesterday LIVE on Blog Talk Radio, you can catch us in the archives. We talked Chuck Hagel, Seth MacFarlane, the Oscars, and cunts!! It was awesome!!
This is an introspective Matt-Man writing today about the end of a year gone bad, a year of hope and inspiration turned sour, and personal resolutions I am bound and determined to make over the upcoming Year of our Lord, 2013.
The year of 2012 started off well for me. In fact, the first nine and a half months were nothing but sunny skies, climbing ratings, and flowing wine…and then?
Tragedy struck when my best friend, soul mate, and bane of reason for my existence, Schmoop, took ill in late-October, thereby shattering our stained glass window of happiness and success, and kicking us to the curb of life just like the Gospels of Thomas and Mary Magdalene being kicked out of inclusion into the Bible, lo those many centuries ago…or something.
Anyhoo…
Some things that I do, and some character flaws that I have depress even me, so I am going to work on those and hopefully improve my karma, and thereby my life and luck, and hope that the fickle face of fate smiles down upon Schmoop and I in 2013.
I am going to eat healthier. We are big fans of frozen pizzas here in the Bagwine digs, but sometimes I devour a Totino’s Triple Meat Pizza. I think that perhaps this year, when I decide on a frozen Totino’s pizza, I will curb my carnivorous avarice and go with a mere pepperoni or sausage pizza. Why do I have to eat THREE meats when one will suffice?
I am going to discontinue being such a sarcastic prick, especially on Facebook. I mean, c’mon? Sure, I laugh out loud in the confines of my living room as I make fun of others, but seriously, where does it get me? Nowheresville, that’s where.
I have been drinking a lot of Wild Irish Rose lately. What does that do for me? Nothing…I mean, other than waking up with a hangover, and having remembrances of a dream that involved me in a three way with Anna Nicole Smith and Jayne Mansfield, and last I checked, they are both still dead. Sad.
So...I'll simply drink more Steel Reserve.
See what I mean? A lot of this stuff pisses me off about myself , and I need to change these habits and characteristics.
For instance, I am going to become an anti-procrastinator. Sometimes, like tonight, as I write this, I have waited until 10:30 PM to begin to write it, even though we have an unwritten deadline of 12 AM.
No more…No more I tell you!!
As God, you the IWS readers, and an unbelieving Jayman look upon me, I swear that in 2013 I will be a day ahead on my posts.
And lastly, with Schmoop lazying about with three tubes hanging out of her, I know not when I may have sex with her again, but read this now and comprehend it later…
I am done engaging in daily masturbatory experiences involving pictures of Michelle Keegan…
So there you have it…My New Year’s Resolutions, er…
You know what? I don’t think I can manage to accomplish all of those, so I think that instead of being depressed and disappointed in all of my flaws, my New Year’s Resolution will be but one very simple one…
I will not only accept all my flaws, but embrace them and expound upon them. Oh Yeah, this is gonna be a great year!!
Hola freaks and weirdos After months of involuntarily listening in on my upstairs neighbor’s activities I have suddenly put all together. Well, it wasn’t so sudden really. It actually took several nights of lying awake in my bed while listening to a rhythmic squeaking and banging noises going on above me.
My neighbor gets a lot of action. I always figured that he was either a really charming guy or had access to great drugs that girls were willing to do anything for. But, the more action he got, the more things didn’t seem to add up.
See, it sounded like my neighbor had an air mattress that he used as his “sex bed” because it wasn’t bed springs or a bed frame type squeaking. If you've ever slept on an air bed you’ll know what I mean. It sounds like squeezing a beach ball.
Here’s the weird part. I've never hear any HUMAN noises up there. No moaning or screaming or cooing or anything. No talking beforehand or afterwards. Also, after he’s through he jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom. But, nobody else does. In fact, there’s only one person walking around up there EVER.
Hell, three minutes before he’s in bed getting bizz-ay he’s outside talking on his cellphone. Next thing you know he’s squeezing the beach ball for ten minutes and that’s it. Then, after a trip to the bathroom, he goes into the other bedroom, gets into a bed that has a real squeaky frame and goes to sleep.
So, I think we all know where this is going, right? Yup … My upstairs neighbor has a girl drugged and chained to an air mattress in his apartment.
Wait … No, that’s not it. I hope. His girlfriend is a blow up doll.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And I’m certainly not one to judge, but it’s just one of those things that seems odd and one feels they must share on their blog with the whole world.
Has anyone out there ever tried a blow up doll? I guess maybe some people just need a little help when it comes to masturbating. If this dude was in the blogosphere or twitter he would meet more than enough hot babes to fantasize about and maybe he wouldn't need something like that and wouldn't have worry about hiding his “girlfriend” in case maintenance came into his apt when he was gone. And that’s exactly what’s going to happen if I can talk the maintenance dude into to. I’m totally going to try to get him to go in there and look. Just for confirmation, not so I can mock him again. I would never do something like that. But, just so I’ll know if my months of detective work were worth it.
If there is no blow up girlfriend up there, I will have to ask him where he finds all these deaf and mute girls. Unless he’s good at finding girls who don’t mind having duct tape over their mouths during sex. That would be kinda hot.
Also, on Wednesday we had a great show talking about the Presidential Debate, Nicki Minaj vs Mariah Carey, speaking Canadian and Drive-By Mikey called in to update us all on the Great Mouse Hunt of 2012. All that and so much more! Check it out!
