What IWS Fans Are Saying

Showing posts with label Tim Tebow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tim Tebow. Show all posts

Friday, September 6, 2013

Rush Limbaugh Children's Book Author

Hola ya’ll! Right-wing windbag, philanderer and drug addict Rush Limbaugh is now a children’s book author and I couldn’t possibly be more excited! In fact, IWS World Media has a little sneak peek of some of the wrongs Rush tries to right in his book. Check ‘em out …

- In the 1600’s large numbers of black people from Africa immigrated to the US to work on plantations and farms in the south. The work was hard and the hours were long but it was gratifying for them and the conditions were wayyyyyyyy better than back in Africa.

- The Civil War, more precisely the War of Northern Aggression had absolutely nothing to do with slavery. It was all about state’s rights, privacy and the Confederate States defense of free enterprise.

- Ronald Reagan was the only president to ever cut taxes and eliminate the deficit while never raising a single tax in his eight years in office.

- Child labor laws passed by liberals have deprived children of the opportunity to earn money of their own and made them dependent upon the government when they become adults.

- Despite what the liberal media tells us, America won smashing victories in the War of 1812, Korea and Vietnam.

- Kate Upton was created in a supermodel laboratory located deep underground in rural Montana.


- Martin Luther King Jr. was a republican who opposed the expansion of social programs like Social Security and would NEVER have supported Obamacare or any form of universal health insurance.

- FDR is generally considered one of the worst presidents in American history.

- George W Bush often times was depicted as inarticulate or even not very intelligent because he was so much smarter than everybody else and no one in the media would admit it.

- There is actually no such thing as a concussion. It’s something that liberals made up to try and destroy the game of football and the NLF because the NFL is pro-America.

- Al Gore came up with the idea of Global Warming to justify is desire for 75% corporate tax rates and 75% income tax rates on middle class Americans to use on social programs for the lazy unproductive people (blacks, Hispanics).

- FDR knew the Japanese were about to attack Pearl Harbor but did nothing about it because he knew it would draw American into WWII.

- LBJ had JFK killed.

- 99.92% of all murders in America are committed by black people.

- The Obama administration threatened the NFL with all kinds of legal action if the Patriots didn’t cut Tim Tebow.


- White people are on the receiving end of racism five times more often than blacks and Hispanics combined.

- Obama directed the CIA to hire James Holmes to shoot up a theater in Colorado and Adam Lanza to shoot up a grade school in Connecticut to help push gun control laws and confiscate American’s guns.

- Bill Clinton had Vince Foster murdered by the CIA because Vince was having an affair with Hillary.

- The republicans have spent the last 50 years fighting to expand the school lunch programs and increase funding for children’s healthcare, but democrats stopped them by. The dems said they would only agree to those things if republicans agreed to allow child molesters be teachers.

- President Obama doesn’t care about white people.

As you can see, Rushbo is ready to bring the truth to our children in hopes that American will finally become the great country we all know she can be!



Tuesday, January 15, 2013

More People We've Had Enough Of

Cheers Bitches!!

Yesterday, Jayman wrote about some people with whom he’s had enough.  He ended his insightful and biting piece of commentary with…

“I could go on, and on, and on. But, I won’t.”

I certainly understand that, however…I will pick up where the Jayman left off.

Hey Ray Lewis, Tim Tebow, other footballers, baseballers, basketballers, and NASCAR, um….ers…After a big play or a big win, don’t say it was God’s will and/or, He was watching over you. God doesn't give a damn who wins a football game, hits a home run, or nips another inbred driver at the checkered flag.

You can have, and enjoy all the personal faith and religion you want, but seriously?  When you say shit like that in your post-game interview?

God is looking down upon you saying, “What an asshole, I didn't even know they were playing today.”

There are a lot of Republicans not feeling the love of Obama wanting former U.S. Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE) to become his next Secretary of Defense.  Why is that?

Because among other things, Sen. C-Hage doesn’t kowtow to the Israeli lobbyists, and once said…

“The Jewish lobby intimidates a lot of people up here…. I’m not an Israeli senator. I’m a United States senator.”

GASP!!  Hagel doesn’t put Israel above all other nations, nor his own!?  Blasphemer!!

Y’know?

People who are appalled at that statement, need to shut the fuck up. Fuck both the government of Israel, and the U.S. legislators who are outraged when anything bad, or in this case, neutral, is said about the Israeli government and their biblical and svengali-like hold over the UNITED STATES Congress.

Hell…If Republicans and evangelicals had their way, Jerusalem’s answer to Terri Schiavo, one Ariel Sharon, would be our next U.S. Defense Secretary.

I thought Republicans were against Obama and his trip down Socialist Lane.  If  Republicans despise socialistic handouts, why are they not outraged that Israel is nothing more than a Middle East crack whore looking for a U.S. handout to the shofar tune of 80 Gazillion shekels a year?

Hey all of you self-absorbed morons who come through the Beer Mine while talking on your cell phone and have the audacity to give the, “Wait a minute finger.”  You are not that important, and I will tell you so and to move along, and if you want to complain to the owner?

Don’t bother…He’s not nearly as nice nor as diplomatic about that as I am.

Facebook?  Women on Facebook drive me nuts with their, "Women are special, but it takes the right man to see that."  Pfffffffft.

Women aren't any more special than men.  Some women are cunts, and some men are dickheads.  We're all human and some of us, including women, are assholes. You want equal rights?  Well, accept your equal rights, responsibility, and the fact that some of you are hideous, unlovable psychopaths.

Twitter People?  I love comments, retweets, and the like, but if it is in reference to something I tweeted six hours ago, just refrain from tweeting me something to the effect, “I absolutely agree, Matt-Man. Ha!!”

I will not have a clue as to what I said that you agree with.  I mean…I appreciate it and all, but six hours after the tweet?  Merely appreciate my tweet amongst yourself.

Don Imus, Sean Hannity, Ed Schultz, Rachel Maddow, and the Three Stooges on FOX and Friends in the mornings have their heads and egos up their asses so far, that they get hair on their tongue.

Especially Gretchen Carlson…Oh Dear God…That chick is proof positive that you need not be pretty on the inside nor the outside to be voted, Miss America.  Uuch.

Oh, and Lance Armstrong?  Just shut the hell up and change the name of your foundation from LiveStrong to LiveJuiced.

Cheater...pussy...crybaby...

Okay…I guess I am done for now…There are so many other people whom I have had enough of, but as Jayman said yesterday, I too, will simply say…

“I could go on, and on, and on. But, I won’t.”

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Friday, March 23, 2012

Slyder Balzcock: The Bridges of Madison Square Garden

Hey there, sports fans…

IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock with your, “Welcome to the Weekend Sports Update.”

This past week has been mocked, marred, and made interestingly enough by a whole lotta stuff, so let’s dust off home plate and kick off the pigskin.

Seems that the Indyapolis Colts have ridden Payton Manning as far as his ball talent will carry them, as they released Manning to ride another type of horse to the Denver Broncos.

In my opinion, Manning will be lobbying six point STDs to WRs, Eric Dicker, and newly and recently acquired former Cleveland Bengal, Anthony Caldwell, from the first kickoff to the last at bat in no time.

If only the Broncos still had their great RB from the 70’s, Floyd Patterson, they could probably make a Super Bowl rung this year.

I guess the best news of this entire deal, is that Archie Manning said that the trade, move, and amount of money offered to Payton was, “adequate.”

Arch is always on the look out for his little boy, God Bless him.

In a relative story…

Newly former Denver Bronco QB Tim Tebow is now a New York Jet.

And as Big Apple West Siders, Action, A-Rab, and Big John say on Broadway…

“When you’re a Jet, you stay a Jet.”

So I guess Tebow is there until he throws a Touchdown pass or until the Trinity Broadcasting Network offers him more money with fewer bruises, than the NFL, whichever comes first.  Here he comes God-Lovin’ TBN fans!!

Speaking of bruises, former Seattle Supersonics basketball defensive stand out and now currently former News Orlean Saints football coach Gary Payton, has been bruised by a suspension and huge fine by the NFL.

Apparently Payton and the Saints organization were paying blood money to their employees if they tackled opposing players meanly and left them with soiled uniforms.

Trust me, I have seen the Saints play outside the domed environment on real turf and have never witnessed them leaving a player soiled, but so be it...If Gary Payton is gone, and they need a new coach?

Dust off former Saints head coach Hank Stram, and viola,  "Lazay-Lay Bon-Tom Roulay."

Sure, Hank may be a little rusty, but in the immortal words of Canadian Rock and Roller, and former British Labour Party leader Neil Kinnock…

“Rust Never Sleeps.”

And there you have it folks…Your week in sports from IWS, and yours truly.

For now, this is Sports Director Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ to the showers…

Slyder can be reached through Matt-Man at the following addresses:

E-Mail:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Roger Goodell's Authoritarian Life


Hola Thugs and Cheap Shot Artists! By now you probably know that His Excellency Most Beloved and Feared Supreme Leader and Grand Poobah of the NFL, Roger Goodell has dished out the discipline in the Saints Bounty Program matter. Rockin’ Roger suspended Gregg Williams indefinitely and rescinded Williams’ superfluous “G” from his first name. Goodell then gave Sean Peyton a one year suspension and docked the Saints some draft choices. Afterwards, sportswriters all over the country dropped to their knees, licked their lips and stared longingly at Goodell’s raging authoritarian manhood.

What a lot of people don’t know though, is that Roger Goodell has a long history of laying down the law. He has had a no tolerance policy since he was a little kid. And, our crack staff here at IWS World Media has uncovered some of the times his authoritarian streak has appeared in the past.

Summer of 1964: A five year old Roger Goodell informed his mother that, since it was Tuesday, he would be having peanut butter and jelly for lunch. But, it turned out that Mother Goodell didn’t have any peanut butter in the house, so she attempted to serve Roger a baloney sandwich. While being a fan of baloney, Roger simply couldn’t allow his mother to deviate from the weekly schedule. So Roger suspended his mother from watching General Hospital for the rest of the week, and fined her one extra Twinkie for him to eat at a later date when he was craving one.

Summer of 1968: After watching the CBS Evening News and becoming enraged at all the “DIRTY FUCKING HIPPIES” protesting against the war in Vietnam and the government, Goodell ordered Walter Cronkite suspended from appearing on the family TV for two full weeks and ordered the family to instead watch the Hunt-Brinkley report.

Summer of 1976: Roger’s brother Tim accidentally scratched and ruined Roger’s Barry White “Can’t Get Enough” album. Roger wasn’t understanding at all. He suspended Tim from borrowing any albums indefinitely. A suspension he didn’t lift until 2002. He also fined Tim his Roberto Clemente and Lou Brock rookie cards. Harsh!

Winter of 1980: Roger had always allowed his roommate at Washington and Jefferson College permission to wear one of his sweaters when going on a date, but one time the roomie wore it without asking. Incensed at this breach of protocol, Roger was forced to deny his roommate use of any of his sweaters AND forbid him from getting any condoms out of Roger’s stash for the remainder of the semester.

Spring of 1990: After his dog Rufus chewed up his copy of The Road to Power by Josef Stalin, Roger was exasperated. He had already given Rufus his one warning three years earlier when Rufus peed on the Persian Rug in the basement. So, Goodell suspended Rufus from going to the dog park for three months and took one of Rufus’ squeaky toys away. He then went on to warn Rufus that if there were any other indiscretions he would be sent to live with Mitt Romney.


So, as you can see, Roger Goodell has been preparing his whole life to be the Supreme Leader of the NFL or some other organization in desperate need of a daddy to keep everyone in line. There have been many other examples of Goodell’s authoritarian training, but honestly, they’re just too disturbing to report on. Yes, even more disturbing than sending his dog to live with Mitt Romney.


--

In other news, we had a really Wild Wednesday on I’m With Stupid this week. We talked about the Illinois primary, Peyton Manning and Tim Tebow. After that we discussed the Tayvon Martin situation and then launched a few more Molotov Mocktails in what is fast becoming our best all-around segment. So, totally check it out!!


Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Monday, January 9, 2012

Tim Tebow Needs a Reality TV Show


Hola Bitches! Well, he did it again. Tim Tebow led his Denver Broncos to another unlikely win. This time, he did it on the big stage of the NFL playoffs and against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Nobody thought the Broncos had a chance in hell of even staying close. Well, nobody except Tim Tebow and yours truly. I told the Matt-Man on Friday that the Broncos had a chance. And, as so often is the case, I was right.

I got to thinking about all the Tebow hate and have come to a conclusion that it goes much deeper than what most people think. Generally people in the media and sports fans simply say that the Tebow hate is because of how he is so public about his religious beliefs. Many people say that Tebow hate is actually hatred against ALL Christians.

While there certainly is some backlash against his very public Christian beliefs, I don’t think disliking him means someone hates ALL Christians. In fact, for a lot of people I think it’s more personal. Not personal about Tim, but personal about themselves. See, everything always seems to work out great for Tim Terrific. And for most people, well, things don’t work out well. At least, we don’t feel like they do. So, when we see someone who seems always get the lucky break, we get jealous.

That’s right kids. Tim Tebow is the NFL’s Ferris Bueller (with a better set of ethics and morals) and we’re all Cameron just sitting there staring at him trying to figure out how it is that EVERYTHING always works out for him.

So, I think it would be great to create a reality TV show just following Tim around all day long as amazing things constantly happen to him. It would get huge ratings because people who love him AND the people who hate him would all watch. The Tebow Lovers will be thrilled and amazed at Tim’s great life and the haters will be driven to drink and spiral further and further into self-hatred and despair.

Here’s what an average day would be like for Tim Tebow…

- Tim will be running late in the morning, but amazingly there will be some Krispy Kreme Donuts on the counter. How lucky is that?  And, as he’s driving to the stadium for practice, every single traffic light will turn green.

- He goes to Target to get some jeans. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything with inseam longer than 36” and Tim needs 38”. Of course, being Tim he was cool with this and decided to check out their shirts. While he was doing that, an employee comes by and restocks the jeans shelf and there are two pairs of jeans with 38” inseam! So awesome!

- Tim then goes to Best Buy to look at plasma TVs. He finds one he thinks is perfect, but it’s really expensive and buying it would be way to showy for a guy like him. Suddenly, an employee walks by and puts a “Today Only! 60% Off” sign on top of the plasma TV he wanted. So, he gets an amazing bargain!

- By this time it’s snowing heavily in Denver, so Tim has to be very careful driving home. But, amazingly enough just as he turns onto the road that goes to his neighborhood he sees the snow plow is in front him, so he just pulls in behind it and has a much safer drive home than it would have been.

- Tim gets home, hooks up his new TV, turns it on and Gilmore Girls is on! While watching Gilmore Girls Tim gets hungry but then realizes he forgot to go to the store and he has absolutely nothing good to eat in the house. Right at that moment, Lindsay Vonn shows up with a freaking pizza.

There you have it folks. It isn’t just football that works out for Tim all the time. Every single thing in Tim’s life works out in mysterious ways. That’s what every episode would be. Just following Tebow around while he lives his perfect freaking life and everyone at home either celebrates or gets really pissed off. 

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook: Jayman68
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Christians Dumping Jesus for Tim Tebow

Many Christian Americans say Jesus just doesn’t do it for them anymore. So, they’ve dumped the son of God for Denver Bronco’s QB Tim Tebow. Turns out people are finding Tebow to be more reliable and more responsive to their prayers. Now that the Broncos have won six in a row and seven of their last eight games since installing Tebow as their QB, people are starting to become true believers.

“There’s something special about him,” said George McMartin of Arvada, Colorado, “he’s not winning these games with luck or skill. He’s doing with … well … something else.” That “something else” seems is an uncanny knack for sucking worse than any QB in the history of the NFL in the first three quarters of games and then suddenly being John Elway, Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas all rolled into one in the fourth quarter and crunch time.

He’s also benefited from some pretty strange happenings like opponents inexplicably running out of bound to stop the clock, dropping open passes and fumbling at critical moments. But, for many out there, there’s nothing strange about it at all. According to Tiffany Walters of Spartanburg, South Carolina it’s pretty obvious what is going on here. “These things happening once or twice could be just a coincidence, but every week? There’s something else going on. And that something else is God’s will.”

For most people though, their reasons for dumping Jesus for Tim Terrific are much more practical. “I’ve been praying to Jesus ever since I was a little boy,” says Willard Parsons of Blue Ball, Pennsylvania “and he hasn’t answered me yet. I’m tired of waiting. I get answers from Tim Tebow every Sunday afternoon.”

Others, like Amanda Ferrari of Pocahontas, Arkansas, Tebow is just more believable. “I’ve read the bible and I know all about Jesus turning water to wine and walking on water, but there’s no proof. I mean, there aren’t any YouTube videos of it or anything like that. I’ve seen the miracles Tim Tebow has performed. They’re real and I can actually relate to them. Plus, Jesus was a long haired-hippie looking foreign dude while Tim is a clean cut, all-American white boy. I can relate to him better.”

But, according to Carlos Garza of Del Rio, Texas, it’s clear that Tim Tebow is the real son of God. “I like Hey-Zuss berry mucho, but Teem Tebow, he performing miracles right before our very eyes. I not want to believe at first, but now? I no can deny it.”

The faithful aren’t the only ones who have taken notice of Mr. Tebow either. Paul Smudders, a leader in the World Atheist Society says his group is keeping a close eye on the Mile High Messiah. “Obviously, we’re prepared to discredit any claims people might make that Tebow is some kind of spiritual being worthy of being worshiped. The things that have happened that have led to the Broncos’ recent dramatic victories are easily explained. The opponents have simply sucked worse than Tebow does. And that’s something we’re about to start pointing out; that Tim Tebow really does suck.”

Smulders went on to add that he’s not impressed with Tebow and doesn’t think you should be either. “He has a string of bullshit wins and anyone who can actually think for himself knows that. We can’t control weak-minded uneducated cult followers out there though. All we can do is state the facts. State them in as loud, obnoxious and rude a way as possible. And while doing that we need to remember to be smug and condescending dick bags. It’s a style we’ve used for years with great success.”

So it looks like a new front has been opened in the great religion war going on in America. The only question now is: Will Jesus come back to stop all this ‘Tim Tebow is the new Messiah’ talk or is he happy to have the attention on someone else for a while, giving him a bit of a break?

Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Tim Tebow Has Returned To Save Us All...


Hola faithful followers! It is I, your savoir, Tim Jesus Christ II Tebow, and I’m here to lead all Denver Broncos fans to the Promised Land. On Monday morning my father God, acting through Broncos coach John Fox named me the starting quarterback. All your prayers have been answered.

On Sunday, Oct 23, I will travel across America to the city of the Jews, Miami. Along the way crowds will gather and cheer with glee, singing songs of praise and pleading to be saved.  Then, despite the fact that there will be many doubters there, and may people who seek to do me harm, I shall ride the on the shoulders of Ryan Clady, who is hung like a donkey, past the palm trees and into the stadium.

Man, it’s gonna be a beautiful day. I can’t wait. Did you see that comeback I made against the Chargers this last Sunday? It would have been complete if Brother Brandon Lloyd hadn’t dropped that two point conversion.

At first I was angry. I know it’s wrong to express anger in that manner, but defying me the way Lloyd did is unacceptable. I, like my biggest disciple Skip Bayless, believed that Lloyd dropped that two point conversion on purpose. He betrayed me. Dude gave me the football version of the Judas Kiss right there in the end zone.

But, then I realized that wasn’t the case. No, Brandon didn’t want to drop that pass. He had no control over it. He didn’t have a crisis of faith as I feared. He tried to the best of his ability, but just couldn’t quite haul it in. And why, couldn’t he make the catch?

EL DIABLO! That’s why.

The Devil himself took over Brandon’s hands and forced him to drop that pass. It’s the only explanation. I was being tested. And I passed that test. Just like the person who took my tests at the University of Florida for me passed all those tests. Once again I showed the world that I cannot be defeated by evil.

I cannot promise that we will make to the Super Bowl this year. For our journey will be long. There will be many great challenges along the way. But, if you keep me in your hearts and never lose faith, then we will make it someday. You’ve just got to believe.

Pay no attention to people like Merril Hoges. The doubters. The people who seek to diminish me and who I am in your eyes. There will be many of them. Most will come in the form of so-called “football experts.” They will say that I have bad mechanics, which is 100% not true. My new Mercedes has a maintenance plan with it and the mechanics at the dealership are outstanding.

They will say I have bad footwork. Again, not true. I’ve been working on both the Tango and the Pasodoble with Karina Smirnoff of Dancing with the Stars to improve my skills and make me lighter on my feet.  So, remember my brothers and sisters, they don’t know what they’re saying when they speak ill of me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

God Bless.
Tim Jesus Christ II Tebow

P.S. If you feel the need to contact me, you may do so through Brother Jayman
jayman3768@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/Jayman_IWS