Preparing for Winter Storms

Hola y’all! When this post goes live we will be just about halfway through the Great Ice Storm of Death 2013 here in Redneckville. The sleet started around 9 a.m. Thursday morning and continued throughout the day mixed with some freezing rain, drizzle and snow. Sometime in the early morning hours it should change over to snow which will fall all damn day tomorrow. I know you are worried about my well-being, but let me reassure you that so far I am fine. There’s still a long ways to go of course.

As I endure this terrible ordeal it occurred to me that maybe I should help others should they be faced with a life threatening storm too. So, here are the rules of dealing with any Great Ice Storm of Death …

Panic: It’s never too early to panic. In fact, you’re much better off panicking too early than too late. If you wait too late then you are using up the energy you’ll need to survive and that’s no good at all. By panicking early you can make a LOOOOOOOOOOONG grocery list full of stuff that is bad for you and make sure you have enough stuff for dinners to last you well into the next year. It doesn’t matter that you will probably be able to get out of the house in a couple of days. This is no time for reason.

Worry: The more you worry, the less likely it is that things will get really bad. “What will I do if the power goes out and stays out for several days?” is a very common concern. If you worry about it then you will make very elaborate plans for what to do. You will get out a sketch pad and draw up a nifty little freezer made out of the ice and snow complete with the dimensions to make sure it will be big enough. Trust me, this works.

Groceries: Even if your pantry and fridge are full you STILL need some more groceries. You need milk, bread and eggs. Scrambled eggs and toast will provide you with the protein and carbs you need to get through any crisis. While you’re there you should get some comfort food too. You’ll need something to sooth your nerves. Chocolate will do nicely. Maybe something crunchy like Doritos or Cheetos too. Oh and how ‘bout stopping by the Pizza Pizza place and picking up two pepperoni pizzas for around $10. If the power goes out you can have cold pizza for a couple of days.

Alcohol: It’s going to be cold. The power might even go out and it will be even colder! What better way to warm up than with a little nip of some bourbon or scotch or tequila or red wine? NOTHING! Also, the alcohol will help calm your nerves and allow you to deal with the storm in a much more calm and rational manner. Plus, you can get drunk and drunk dial/text/message your friends to help pass the time and avoid boredom.

You do these simple things and you will be full prepared to weather the storm and the aftermath. You can just stay in your home for several days reading, surfing the net and watching movies and football on TV. You will be far less inconvenienced than all those losers who didn’t panic, worry and plan enough. Those poor saps will be out there trying to scrape the ice off their cars then risk their lives to get to Walmart to get beer, wine and cigarettes. And maybe some milk, bread and eggs.

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Blood on the Pillow

Hola y’all! You know what would be really weird? You know how when you wake up in the morning usually the first thing you have to do is pee, right? Okay, so you get out of bed and you go do that and then you’re still not totally awake but you’re kind of staggering around the place. Then you go get on the computer to check email, Facebook, blog comments, Twitter and show stats or whatever it is you don online.

Okay, so now you’re starting to wake up a bit and you’re loosening up and things are starting to flow so it’s time to do your morning bidness. You know what I mean, right? Yeah, shit, shower and shave. So, after that now you’re awake and thinking fairly clearly and you wander back into the bedroom to get dressed and whatever and then something catches your eye. You turn to inspect whatever it is and you see that ..

You bled on your pillow last night! Weird, right? Kinda freaking out now, right?

So now you have to figure out how you bled and where from. First thing you do is check to see if there is a horse’s head in your bed. Then you think of the obvious places to bleed from. That would be the holes in your head. Ears, nose and mouth. The worst of these would be the ears. Man, if you bled from the ears you are in GRAVE dangers. Nothing good could ever come of that. I mean, that would be your brain bleeding out your ears or some shit.

But, you think about it for a few and realize it couldn’t have been the ears. You totally would have noticed if there was dried, crusty blood on or in one of your ears. That would just be … well, you would just notice it. It would feel like one of your ears had an earplug in it and no way you wouldn’t have investigated that weird feeling.

So, now that you’ve eliminated the ears you’re feeling a little better because you’re PROBABALY not going to keel over today. Next you figure it was probably the nose. With your bad allergies nose bleeds aren’t that uncommon. But, then you realized that you blew your nose six times and sneezed eleven times and didn’t notice any big gross blobs of blood this morning, so that’s probably out.

You guess your gums could have bled and it could have oozed out onto your pillow while you slept with your mouth open and snored up a storm. I mean, that’s conceivable. But, again, bloody teeth would have been something you would have noticed, right? This is getting really disconcerting guys.

At this point the best thing to do is reassess the situation. Okay, there’s blood on the pillow. Your brain isn’t bleeding out of your ears so you’re probably not in any danger. You didn’t blow globs of blood and snot out of your nose and your teeth weren’t red and bloody either. You didn’t cut yourself shaving before going to bed and you didn’t have any big zits that were ready to pop.

While doing this assessment of the situation you suddenly realized that you’re standing there scratching an itch on your back just below your neck. And then it hits you! THAT’S where the zit was that bled on the pillow while you were lying on your back masturbating sleeping! Oh man! Thank God that little mystery is solved!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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