Friday, March 29, 2013

Blood on the Pillow

Hola y’all! You know what would be really weird? You know how when you wake up in the morning usually the first thing you have to do is pee, right? Okay, so you get out of bed and you go do that and then you’re still not totally awake but you’re kind of staggering around the place. Then you go get on the computer to check email, Facebook, blog comments, Twitter and show stats or whatever it is you don online.

Okay, so now you’re starting to wake up a bit and you’re loosening up and things are starting to flow so it’s time to do your morning bidness. You know what I mean, right? Yeah, shit, shower and shave. So, after that now you’re awake and thinking fairly clearly and you wander back into the bedroom to get dressed and whatever and then something catches your eye. You turn to inspect whatever it is and you see that ..

You bled on your pillow last night! Weird, right? Kinda freaking out now, right?

So now you have to figure out how you bled and where from. First thing you do is check to see if there is a horse’s head in your bed. Then you think of the obvious places to bleed from. That would be the holes in your head. Ears, nose and mouth. The worst of these would be the ears. Man, if you bled from the ears you are in GRAVE dangers. Nothing good could ever come of that. I mean, that would be your brain bleeding out your ears or some shit.

But, you think about it for a few and realize it couldn’t have been the ears. You totally would have noticed if there was dried, crusty blood on or in one of your ears. That would just be … well, you would just notice it. It would feel like one of your ears had an earplug in it and no way you wouldn’t have investigated that weird feeling.

So, now that you’ve eliminated the ears you’re feeling a little better because you’re PROBABALY not going to keel over today. Next you figure it was probably the nose. With your bad allergies nose bleeds aren’t that uncommon. But, then you realized that you blew your nose six times and sneezed eleven times and didn’t notice any big gross blobs of blood this morning, so that’s probably out.

You guess your gums could have bled and it could have oozed out onto your pillow while you slept with your mouth open and snored up a storm. I mean, that’s conceivable. But, again, bloody teeth would have been something you would have noticed, right? This is getting really disconcerting guys.

At this point the best thing to do is reassess the situation. Okay, there’s blood on the pillow. Your brain isn’t bleeding out of your ears so you’re probably not in any danger. You didn’t blow globs of blood and snot out of your nose and your teeth weren’t red and bloody either. You didn’t cut yourself shaving before going to bed and you didn’t have any big zits that were ready to pop.

While doing this assessment of the situation you suddenly realized that you’re standing there scratching an itch on your back just below your neck. And then it hits you! THAT’S where the zit was that bled on the pillow while you were lying on your back masturbating sleeping! Oh man! Thank God that little mystery is solved!



13 comments:

Mike said...

'but you’re kind of staggering around the place'

Nope. I've already gone back to bed.

I'm With Stupid said...

Brilliant deduction!! You're a regular Ellery Queen!! Cheers Jayman!!

Matt-Man

Dana said...

Ummmm ...

EEUUUWWWWW!!

I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: Once I'm up, I'm up. No going back to bed for me.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: I'm so analytic. Or something.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Dana: Oh you're squeamish are ya? ;-)

Jay

Jo said...

oh my god.

Jo said...

It was getting really suspenseful...I thought you were going to find dried blood on your--in weird places--and then maybe traces of the wild night you had in Bangkok.

I had an issue with bad nosebleeds when I was a kid so I've actually woken up with a blood-soaked pillow & crusted blood in my hair. It was awesome because it made my sister throw up & I got ice cream. Good memory. Thanks.

Knight said...

I was waiting for the head wound find. That's what always happens to me. Drunken street fight gets out of hand, you don't remember, gravel is stuck in your skull... same old.

Jo...wow. Just wow.

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