Thursday, March 28, 2013

Resurrecting My Virginity

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and Happy Holy Thursday to you all.

And…it is very appropriate that I am writing what I am about to write on Holy Thursday because Holy Thursday marks the day that Jesus washed the feet of others and had his last supper.

I think…hmmm?

Maybe it was the day that he cured the blind man of his deafness…Y’know?

I get all of his acts of kindness and miracles mixed up, anyhoo…let’s assume this was the day of his washing of the feet thing and his last supper.  Okay?

Great, and thanks…

Early last week, I wrote about how I was has having writer’s block and in a kind of creative malaise.  I blamed various things.  I blamed other people…the weather…society…and to a much lesser degree, myself.

Well folks, I think I have put my finger, or in this instance, my right hand on the problem.

It’s sex, or more accurately, the lack of sex.

See? As many of you know, my BFF/OSP Schmoop took ill back in October, and while she is doing fine and now operating at 90-95% efficiency as a human being, we haven’t had sex in nearly six months.

This my friends, has weighed heavily upon my mind.  Some days, I can’t eat.  I can’t be myself.  I can’t write, because all I think about is how long it has been since I have had sex.  It’s debilitating!!

Some days go by that all I think about is, when is the next time that I’m going to get little sumpin sumpin’ from Schmoop!!?

That thought has brought my creative genius to its once prolific knees.  So…

I have decided that since being a witty writer and international internet radio show guy is who I am and want I to continue to be, the only way that I can remain to be that guy, is to give up sex in perpetuity, so that this current and cancerous thought of needing, yet not having sex, no longer clouds my once fertile mind.

I think I can do it, no…I KNOW I can do it.  Hell, it’s been six months already, what’s another six years?

Hell, in six years, my nuts will be suffering from rug burn, and my three inch dick will be three foot long but only one centimeter in circumference.  It’ll be looking like a Crazy Straw, and really?  Who wants to have sex with a Crazy Straw?

Man!!  I am feeling refreshed and re-invigorated already as I get this off of my newly sexless chest!!  This is awesome!!

Of course…I am going to have be strong and there will be a couple of minor changes that need to take place during my celibacy.

It’s going to be difficult to watch Schmoop cavort around the digs in a state of half-nakedness.  It’s going to be hard not to get excited when Jo pops into the IWS Radio chat room briefly prior to her leaving when she finds that she is still getting no audio.

And…the big change?

I currently call Schmoop my BFF/OSP (Occasional Sex Partner), unfortunately that will have to change and thanks to Jayman, I do have a new title for Schmoop…She will now be known as my…

BFF/FSP (Former Sex Partner)…I think that designation has a certain elegance and panache about it, which is rare.

As is my creative genius, which ironically in its rediscovered virginal state, can now once again go forth and multiply.

This has been the new Matt-Man who is reclaiming, rediscovering, and resurrecting his virginity saying unto you on this holiest of Thursdays…




I'm With Stupid said...

Oh God! You're not gonna be like those ex-smokers or ex-drinkers and bring the fact that you're an ex-sexer up in every conversation are you?


I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman: Of course n--...maybe. Cheers Jayman!!


Mike said...

The doctors never told Schmoop that semen causes bile blockage did they? That was supposed to be a guy secret.

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I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: I know. Damn doctors had to go and blow the lid off of that one didn't they? Cheers Mike!!


Katy Anders said...

I've talked to "that kind" of Christian about this issue, and it always amazes me.

"Virginity is the most precious gift in the world," I've had one say to me.

I think someone is REALLY making too big of a deal about sex.

On the other hand, if there is a certain amount of sex allotted to each of us during our lifetime and someone isn't using theirs, shouldn't we be able to trade sex point? You know, like corporations are able to buy and sell pollution points?

"What? You're not having sex? I'll buy your oral sex allotment off of you!"

This idea needs work, but I think there's something there...

I'm With Stupid said...

Katy: I believe you are on to something, but here's the thing. Even though you would simply be buying my allotment of sex, I still think that would make a hooker...How about this. You can just have it. Cheers Katy!!


Jo said...

That made me laugh really hard! Maybe I'll have a little Easter miracle, it's not like I'm asking to come back from the dead, just a bit of sound would be fucking brilliant.

Sexual frustration will either drive a man crazy or...nope, I think that's the only option. Yoga might help. I don't do it myself but I enjoy making fun of people who do.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: Sound would be good, wouldn't it? Hey, I like the yoga idea...Do you know where I could get some tres chic yoga pants second hand? Cheers Jo!!


Jo said...

If I was a man I'd wear sweatpants like Rocky when I wasn't dressed like Cary Grant. Does that help?

I'm With Stupid said...

Jo: That's HOT!! Cheers Jo!!