Friday, December 6, 2013

Preparing for Winter Storms

Hola y’all! When this post goes live we will be just about halfway through the Great Ice Storm of Death 2013 here in Redneckville. The sleet started around 9 a.m. Thursday morning and continued throughout the day mixed with some freezing rain, drizzle and snow. Sometime in the early morning hours it should change over to snow which will fall all damn day tomorrow. I know you are worried about my well-being, but let me reassure you that so far I am fine. There’s still a long ways to go of course.

As I endure this terrible ordeal it occurred to me that maybe I should help others should they be faced with a life threatening storm too. So, here are the rules of dealing with any Great Ice Storm of Death …

Panic: It’s never too early to panic. In fact, you’re much better off panicking too early than too late. If you wait too late then you are using up the energy you’ll need to survive and that’s no good at all. By panicking early you can make a LOOOOOOOOOOONG grocery list full of stuff that is bad for you and make sure you have enough stuff for dinners to last you well into the next year. It doesn’t matter that you will probably be able to get out of the house in a couple of days. This is no time for reason.

Worry: The more you worry, the less likely it is that things will get really bad. “What will I do if the power goes out and stays out for several days?” is a very common concern. If you worry about it then you will make very elaborate plans for what to do. You will get out a sketch pad and draw up a nifty little freezer made out of the ice and snow complete with the dimensions to make sure it will be big enough. Trust me, this works.

Groceries: Even if your pantry and fridge are full you STILL need some more groceries. You need milk, bread and eggs. Scrambled eggs and toast will provide you with the protein and carbs you need to get through any crisis. While you’re there you should get some comfort food too. You’ll need something to sooth your nerves. Chocolate will do nicely. Maybe something crunchy like Doritos or Cheetos too. Oh and how ‘bout stopping by the Pizza Pizza place and picking up two pepperoni pizzas for around $10. If the power goes out you can have cold pizza for a couple of days.

Alcohol: It’s going to be cold. The power might even go out and it will be even colder! What better way to warm up than with a little nip of some bourbon or scotch or tequila or red wine? NOTHING! Also, the alcohol will help calm your nerves and allow you to deal with the storm in a much more calm and rational manner. Plus, you can get drunk and drunk dial/text/message your friends to help pass the time and avoid boredom.

You do these simple things and you will be full prepared to weather the storm and the aftermath. You can just stay in your home for several days reading, surfing the net and watching movies and football on TV. You will be far less inconvenienced than all those losers who didn’t panic, worry and plan enough. Those poor saps will be out there trying to scrape the ice off their cars then risk their lives to get to Walmart to get beer, wine and cigarettes. And maybe some milk, bread and eggs.


I'm With Stupid said...

Too late Jayman...I needed this advice yesterday. Oh the Humanity!! Cheers!!


Mike said...

So you can now tell the girls you got 8".

I'm With Stupid said...

Matt-Man: Story of your life man.


I'm With Stupid said...

Mike: They still won't believe me.