Hola y’all! When this post goes live we will be just about
halfway through the Great Ice Storm of Death 2013 here in Redneckville. The
sleet started around 9 a.m. Thursday morning and continued throughout the day
mixed with some freezing rain, drizzle and snow. Sometime in the early morning
hours it should change over to snow which will fall all damn day tomorrow. I
know you are worried about my well-being, but let me reassure you that so far I
am fine. There’s still a long ways to go of course.
As I endure this terrible ordeal it occurred to me that
maybe I should help others should they be faced with a life threatening storm
too. So, here are the rules of dealing with any Great Ice Storm of Death …
Panic: It’s never too early to panic. In fact, you’re much
better off panicking too early than too late. If you wait too late then you are
using up the energy you’ll need to survive and that’s no good at all. By
panicking early you can make a LOOOOOOOOOOONG grocery list full of stuff that is
bad for you and make sure you have enough stuff for dinners to last you well
into the next year. It doesn’t matter that you will probably be able to get out
of the house in a couple of days. This is no time for reason.
Worry: The more you worry, the less likely it is that things
will get really bad. “What will I do if the power goes out and stays out for
several days?” is a very common concern. If you worry about it then you will
make very elaborate plans for what to do. You will get out a sketch pad and
draw up a nifty little freezer made out of the ice and snow complete with the
dimensions to make sure it will be big enough. Trust me, this works.
Groceries: Even if your pantry and fridge are full you STILL need some more groceries. You need milk, bread and eggs. Scrambled eggs
and toast will provide you with the protein and carbs you need to get through
any crisis. While you’re there you should get some comfort food too. You’ll
need something to sooth your nerves. Chocolate will do nicely. Maybe something
crunchy like Doritos or Cheetos too. Oh and how ‘bout stopping by the Pizza
Pizza place and picking up two pepperoni pizzas for around $10. If the power
goes out you can have cold pizza for a couple of days.
Alcohol: It’s going to be cold. The power might even go out
and it will be even colder! What better way to warm up than with a little nip
of some bourbon or scotch or tequila or red wine? NOTHING! Also, the alcohol
will help calm your nerves and allow you to deal with the storm in a much more
calm and rational manner. Plus, you can get drunk and drunk dial/text/message
your friends to help pass the time and avoid boredom.
You do these simple things and you will be full prepared to
weather the storm and the aftermath. You can just stay in your home for several
days reading, surfing the net and watching movies and football on TV. You will
be far less inconvenienced than all those losers who didn’t panic, worry and
plan enough. Those poor saps will be out there trying to scrape the ice off
their cars then risk their lives to get to Walmart to get beer, wine and
cigarettes. And maybe some milk, bread and eggs.
4 comments:
Too late Jayman...I needed this advice yesterday. Oh the Humanity!! Cheers!!
Matt
So you can now tell the girls you got 8".
Matt-Man: Story of your life man.
Jay
Mike: They still won't believe me.
Jay
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