Happy St. Andrew's Day: Scotland Sucks!!

Cheeeeeers, Happy Friday, and more importantly, Happy St. Andrew’s Day to you all!!

What?  You didn’t realize that today is St. Andrew’s Day?

Hell yes my friends, and today, 5.2 million Scots already are, or will be, engaging in drunken celebrations in honor of St. Andrew, the patron Saint of Scotland.

Drunken, whorish, Scottish ladies sporting plaid skirts, white stockings, and no underwear, will spend the day and night being hunted down like sheep by drunken, whorish, Scottish men sporting plaid skirts, white stockings, and no underwear.

One might say that today is going to be Tartan-Palooza in the great country of Scotla----er…um…the great nation of Scot---…oh wow, um.

Scotland isn’t really a country is it?  Not a nation unto itself either really, it’s more like…let’s see…It’s like Canada, yeah that’s it…It’s like Canada!!

Well, no I guess not, ‘cause, I mean, c’mon…

Canada has its own currency…its own armed forces…its own Prime Minister.  Canada is even allowed to fly their own flag, field their own Olympic teams, and negotiate directly with other governments.

The Scottish government and her people?  What are they permitted to do on their own?  Not a damn thing other than beg for scraps from the table of the once mighty nation of Britain.  It’s sad, pathetic really.

Oh sure today, on St. Andrews Day, the Scots will sit around the pubs of Edinburgh and elsewhere, juiced up on warm ale and tales of the glory days that lie fossilized in their collective consciousness, and scream…

“Death to England.  Death to the Queen!!”, and then…

Saturday December 1st, like most other days for the Scots, they’ll wake up on their bathroom floor with a hangover, a skirt over their face, and incoherently mumble…

“We drank the country…er nation…er…whatever we are, dry last night; could somebody please call Prime Minister Cameron down in London and plead for a new allotment of ale?”

Yep, sad indeed.

On St. Andrews Day, every Scot parties, yells, and engages in Scottish braggadocio with the gusto, courage, and fire of William Wallace and Robert the Bruce, and then?

The next day when their collective eyes clear, their liver discharges, and drunken remembrances of their salad days have wilted and turned gray, their bluster and nationalism will sound more like Oliver Twist in all of his girlish, pre-pubescent voice asking dutifully of the Prime Minister…

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

When I think of these things, I say to myself…

“Braveheart is one of my favorite movies, but if it was based on today’s Scotland and her people, it would be called Gayheart.”

Scotland sucks, and you know what?

St. Andrew is too good for you guys.  You should adopt a new patron saint.

Perhaps…

St. Richard of Simmons, or…St. Mike McQueary, or…St. Cowardly Lion.

I truly want all of you Bobby Burns loving Scots to enjoy your day today, but man…

When you wake up tomorrow, while your alcohol induced hangover will recede over time, the hangover of knowing that you are not nearly as tough as even the Canadians will never leave your head, and knowing that fact is harder to swallow than a plate full of haggis.

Cheers!!
Matt-Man (A Descendent of the Free State of Ireland)
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Mitt Romney Shocked He Lost the Powerball

This is an IWS World News™ exclusive…

Calling it “more like WEAK-Ball, amIright?” Former GOP Presidential nominee Mitt Romney is reportedly “shocked” that he didn’t win the $500 million dollar Powerball Lottery. Romney is so stunned in fact, that he is refusing to acknowledge the loss while huddling with his advisors and family. There was a large crowd of mostly middle aged and older white males who had gathered at the Super Stop and Shop on Everett St in Boston, where Romney bought the ticket, to help the former Massachusetts governor celebrate, but they are mostly sad and dejected.

“We’re all just stunned” said one aid who asked to remain anonymous because he’s embarrassed to be associated with the Romney’s, “we’ve got all these Asians who all have PHD’s in statistics and mathematics and stuff, and they assured us that we had the right numbers.” Others are still holding out hope though, some have pointed out that the drawing isn’t official yet and they have a team of lawyers ready to roll on Mr. Romeny’s order.

Going the legal route isn’t without risk though. One member of the Romney team pointed out that they have to worry about public perception too. “What if the winner is a black or Hispanic single mother? It would be an absolute public relations disaster to go after someone like that. We have to be careful.”

But, there are still other supporters who think it’s worth a risk. Conservative firebrand Todd Akin says a minority single mother is the perfect target to go after and take the $500 million from. “She’ll just blow it on birth control and sexy toys,” says Akin. “That’s all those people think about, you know. It’s just disgusting. I think America would be absolutely appalled to see an irresponsible woman with loose morals win something as important and pure as the Powerball.”

Even Mitt Romney’s supporters in the media are at bit red-faced tonight. Conservative columnists Michael Barone and George Will both predicted that Romney would win the drawing. “When the ping pong balls have all come bouncing down that plastic and metal slide and lined up in an orderly fashion, Gov. Willard “Mitt” Romney will have won $500,000,000 American Dollars. I’m convinced it will happen. If it doesn’t, I’ll eat my bowtie,” said the Dean of the Washington Punditry, George Will.

Fox News’ Dick Morris couldn’t be reached for comment this evening. He has been the most vocal over the last couple of days in certainty that Romney would win. “Unless this thing is fixed, Romney has it nailed down. I’ve been running the numbers all day in my head and I see no scenario in which Romney loses.” Morris isn’t without his critics though, Matt-Man and Jayman, hosts of the wildly popular #1 Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio “I’m With Stupid” have both pointed out that it was Dick Morris who once went on The O’Reilly Factor and declared that there was “no way whatsoever the Maginot Line can be penetrated by the Germans.”

Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) who was Romney’s running mate has been pretty quiet. “I’m not a numbers guy, you know. It’s all just a bit too fancy and complicated for me,” said Ryan. “I’ll just concentrate on helping to put together the 2013 Federal Budget and let them work this out.”

IWSWN™ will stay on top of this story and bring you the latest updates as we learn them.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

I Need a Ten Day Surrogate!!

Cheeeeers Chuckleheads; Matt-Man here for I’m With Stupid.

As many of you know, my BFF/OSP Schmoop, is awaiting to go under the knife of Dr. Rawalpindi on December 14th in order to have parts of several of her less than stellar performing internal organs removed.

As we await to see if we will have unemployment money coming in so we can remain in the Bagwine digs, we are making logistical plans in order to make this lifestyle upheaval relatively painless in spite of the cutting and gouging upon her gizzards and innards.

Her brother will take her to the hospital and remain with her through her three to seven hour surgery as well as her seven to ten day post-operative stay.

Schmoop, should she receive her unemployment benefits as she should, has already informed ODJFS to deposit her money grab of socialism directly into her bank account.

She and I have discussed household bill payments, food stockpiles, and my transportation issues to and fro work as the car will be in Columbus with her brother as he remains with her during her traumatic nearly two week stay at OSU Medical Center.

We seem to have been very practical and thoughtful in our considerations as to what needs to be in place prior to her departure, however, there is one infinitely more important item of business that overrides all of the aforementioned particulars that should be in place prior to her gutting…

I Need a Ten-Day Surrogate!!

That’s right.

Both Schmoop and I have agreed that I need supervision while she is gone, so…I am looking for a woman to come and be my companion for ten days and help me make it through this difficult time by offering emotional and moral support, as well as performing, “other duties as assigned.”

I wouldn’t ask this of any of you except for the fact that Schmoop being in a foreign hospital bed, surrounded by foreign doctors all what with their hands up inside of her, performing major life-saving surgery on her is one thing, but having it take place around the Christmas holiday?

Can you imagine how that makes ME feel?

More often than not, it’s all about the patient, while those like me, sit at home wondering if the love of his life made it through surgery, all the while searching for that elusive can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli in the cabinet, and desperately longing for a caring and friendly, feminine shoulder upon which to cry.

Seriously?  I don’t need that hassle, and more importantly, it’s just not fair.

Schmoop all gassed up, will be having highly trained medical professionals rummaging through her body, and afterwards will receive an adjustable bed, and catered meals.

And what will I be receiving for my worry and longing for her to be home? Uh-huh, that’s right…

Heartache!!

So, if you are a woman between the ages of 35 and 55, are able to make a good sandwich, can do laundry, light housekeeping, and can pop a top off a can of beer while wearing very little clothes while watching football with me, contact me.

I have a position open for you.  While it may last only ten days, if you really put out a good effort, it could be a temp to hire full-time position.

Send your resume and references to the following addresses…

Cheers!!
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

If You're Happy, I'm Happy

Hola y’all! One of the things I tell people all the time is “If you’re happy, I’m happy.” I’m always amazed at how often people think I’m being a smart-ass or joking with them when I say that. It’s a little hurtful even to be honest with you. Why would people think I’m not being sincere? Why do people always think I’m joking when I’m being serious and think I’m being serious when I’m just joking?

ANSWERS! I WANT ANSWERS!

Actually I know the answer. It’s because most people are the opposite. They love it when others are miserable or when bad things happen to them and are themselves miserable when good things happen to their “friends.” I’ve never quite understood this attitude, but I see it play out all the time on social media sites.

Anyhoodle, as you probably know, I’m a pretty good sports fan. I have a few teams that I’m a die-hard fan of. I’m a fan of the Arkansas Razorbacks, San Antonio Spurs, St. Louis Cardinals, New Orleans Saints, New York Knicks and the Houston Texans.

I really on have a few teams that I dislike and never root for: Alabama, Auburn, Duke, THE Ohio State University, Los Angeles Lakers and the Chicago Cubs. For the most part this is because of their fans more than anything else.

Generally the rest of the teams don’t mean much to me, unless I’m friends with someone who is a fan of a certain team. In that case, I generally root for my friend’s team to win because I want my friend to be happy.*

Hell, this weekend Arkansas lost to LSU in football, but I wasn’t that upset about it. That’s because my BFF, the lovely and talented Ms. Warrior_Kat is a HUGE LSU fan and I knew she would be happy that they one. And I like it when she’s happy, so that mitigated the disappointment in MY TEAM losing. (It also helped that Arkansas is a piece of shit football team and I already knew they would lose, but I was still happy that Kat was happy.)

I used to hate Notre Dame. I ranked them right up there with Ohio State and Duke when it came to rude, obnoxious, condescending and generally insufferable fan bases. And, I have an irrational a perfectly legit and reasonable dislike of Lou Holtz. But, over the years as Notre Dame has struggled, I’ve found their fans to be far less delusional than fans of other schools and pro teams when their teams begin to suck.

And, my good friend and lover partner in crime Matt-Man is a big Notre Dame fan. So, I’ve actually found myself rooting the Irish this season, which feels a little weird. If Matt wasn’t a big Notre Dame fan, I would have still watched them this season because they’re a good team and I would certainly be ready to root for them in the BCS Championship against Alabama! But, because he is a fan, I have actually rooted for them all season.

I know people have the exact opposite attitude. Or even worse, they feel the need to refer to everyone other than their team as the enemy and find a reason to HATE them and their fans. I have a former friend who is a former friend because she took this to real extremes over … BASEBALL! Yes, the most insignificant of all sports and for her everyone her team played was full of horrible human beings and the fans of her team’s opponents were all scumbags and whatever other names she came up with to call them. I just don’t understand that shit.

This “If you’re happy, I’m happy” attitude extends beyond sports too. That was just the best example I could come up with. I know a lot of people live pretty miserable lives and I guess that’s why they get so much pleasure out of bad things happening to others. I don’t understand why though, it’s not like it makes your life any less miserable for other people to suffer too. I guess getting pleasure out of other people’s misfortune is just a character flaw.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

*This attitude doesn’t extend to politics though. While I feel bad for you if your team loses a big game and you’re down or sad, I can’t feel that way because you were hoping Mitt Romney would win. Sorry.

In other news we had a “Cyber Monday Extravaganza” on a special Monday edition of IWS. There was a minor technical glitch early on, but after we got past that, we had a pretty good time. So, check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Greed is Good...Greed Works

Welcome back to I’m With Stupid coming to you liiiiive from the palatial digs in Bagwine, Ohi---

Oh sorry, we haven’t done a radio show since the 18th and I guess I was jumping the gun, but that’s okay, because we will be doing a show today at 11 AM ET, so I am all better now.

Okay…no…even though we will be doing a show today, I am still not alright.

I am nervous.

My BFF/OSP Schmoop has some health problems and if her unemployment is not approved, we will be hurting more than Evander Holyfield getting his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson.

Here’s the thing…Her employer, actually her boss and owner of the company, said that she was being laid-off and told her to file for unemployment, so…she did.

And what happened?

Because of what he told the ODJFS, which contradicted what he had told Schmoop and what Schmoop told ODJFS based on their conversation, her claim is in limbo and under microscopic review.

The entire process seemed easy enough at the beginning, but knowing her boss as I do, I knew there would be a bend in the tracks.  I knew that somehow, he would twist and bend the rails of her financial security as he happily chugged along as the conductor of his self-serving crazy train.

I have no use whatsoever for this guy.  I worked for him for nearly four years, and well, he’s an idiot.  He’s not completely unlikable, but well, he’s an idiot because he has a trait that a few small business owners that I know have.

What is that you ask?

They go into business for themselves, and then complain about the Federal and State regulations that they are under, knowing what those regulations were, prior to going into business!!

Uuch!!

Here’s the thing though…He doesn’t want to pay Schmoop unemployment, even though it is already paid for, but he wants to continue in his business that she helped him to build over the last twelve years.

To me, that is kinda greedy.

I know that job creators are all good, and want nothing to do but make a barely minimal living, so all the while they can help those who create their products to make a decent living as well, but it would be nice if this job creator would live up to his word.

Here’s the thing, and I know that this post at this point becomes disjointed, but I have a couple of things going through my mind right now.

I am trying to help Schmoop get her unemployment to which she is deserving, and this past Friday, throngs of pajama pants wearing Americans, with no bras, and unattended toddlers left in their cars, were running through mega-stores demanding their Black Friday sale prices.

The demands issued by Schmoop and the Black Friday shoppers are both based upon a promise made by the owner of a particular company, but there is a distinct difference.

If Wal*Mart, Kohl’s, or others like Best Buy don’t live up to their promise, families go without a big screen TV, and they immediately raise hell.

When Schmoop’s boss goes back on a promise, we don’t eat, and we move out of our home of twelve years, and try to find an acceptable option while crying.

Greed, be it on the side of the those who produce or consume, is an ugly, yet powerful force.

I just want to continue to live in a small apartment with Schmoop.  I guess to some, that is the definition of greed, and cannot be tolerated.

Cheers!!
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

P.S.  Oh and by the way, we are doing an IWS Radio Show today at 11 AM ET so check us out...It's going to be hilarious: Cyber Monday Extravaganza 

Babe of the Week: Heidi Klum

IWS is proud to announce that UBER Supermodel, hottie and all around awesome chick Heidi Klume is our Babe of the Week!

Just like fine wine, Heidi gets better and better with age…

She can wear the most daring outfits and make them classics …

And then wear something even MORE daring …

And then remind everyone that she’s one of the great bikini models of all time …

Matt Said...

“We change, whether we like it or not”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hi kids…Matt-Man here with an IWS Radio update in lieu of our regularly scheduled Saturday morning edition of Matt Said, Jay Said.

It’s that time of year when the Beer Mine at which I work loses one of its three social workers for the winter, leaving only myself and the owner Drive-By Mikey to man the operations of supplying Bagwine, Ohio drinkers and smokers with quality alcohol and tobacco products at a fair price.

Thusly, my hours of work have been changed for the next few months, and as a result, Jayman and I have had to change the hours during which we broadcast our twice weekly IWS Radio Show on BTR.

We will broadcast our next show on Monday November 26 at 11 AM ET as we re-cap our exciting Thanksgiving weekends and what not.

After that, our next show will air live on Saturday December 1 at 11 PM ET, and we will be discussing the War on Christmas as it continues to devastate the lives and common sense of the millions of Americans who watch FOX News with regularity.

Following the December 1st show, we will be back on our Wednesday at 11 AM ET routine followed by the new Saturday at 11 PM ET time slot.

So, to recapitulate…

Beginning December 1, 2012...The IWS Radio Show will air LIVE at 11 PM ET on Saturdays, and LIVE at 11 AM ET on Wednesdays.

In the meantime, Jayman and I will do a show LIVE this Monday November 26 at 11 AM ET.

I know this can be confusing for those of you who of the FOX News mentality, and trust me, I tried to get Glenn Beck and his chalkboard, and Karl Rove and his whiteboard to diagram this for you, but neither returned my calls, so…

Re-read each sentence carefully, and maybe it’ll come to you, and you won’t miss each action packed and hilarious moment of our upcoming shows.

I hope this information is helpful to you, and I would also like to say something else that is related to the IWS Radio Show.

IWS Radio has for the last couple of months, typically been Number One on BTR’s Comedy category, always in the top three, and the last couple of shows have topped 10,000 listens with one topping 16,000 listens.

We appreciate that, and hope those of you who listen regularly, keep spreading the word and help IWS grow even larger.

Jay and I laugh when we think about how just a few months ago, we were happy to get 600 listens and just have our show make it to the first page of BTR rankings.

So, thanks a lot for listening because we appreciate the hell out of it, but there’s one thing…

Could some of you call-in to the show when we do it?

I mean as much as Jay and I like talking to each other and are enamored hearing our own wit and charm cascade across the internets, we need some fresh voices!!

Have a great Saturday, a great weekend, and we hope to “see” you Monday at 11 AM ET on IWS Radio.

Cheers!!
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Thanksgiving Fun Never Ends

Hola once again y’all! As our fun-filled week here in the sensible, yet wacky capital of the American Midwest comes to an end, I give you one last meme. Don’t worry about the numbering; it’s the questions and answers that are most important. I think.

2. Favorite Place to eat a romantic dinner? Western Sizzlin?

3. Last time you Puked from Drinking? I guess the night we had homebrew, whisky, tamales and fresh baked chocolate cookies.

4. When is the last time you got drunk and woke up in a strange place? Never, that I know of.

5. Name of your First Grade Teacher? Mrs. Langston. She wielded a mean yardstick too.

6. What do you really want to be doing right now? Travelling

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? A lawyer.

8.How many colleges did you attend before you settled on the one you graduated from? One College, but I attended it twice (kinda)!

9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? It was clean.

10. Gas Prices! First Thought? Reagan eliminated most federal funding for researching alternative energy resources in the 80's.

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would you go and who would you take? Somewhere in Europe, maybe Amsterdam and I'd take anybody that wanted to come along.

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? No alarm, but when I woke up my first thought was, as usual, "I gotta pee".

13. Last thought before falling asleep last night? "Why do I have so much trouble falling asleep?"

14. Favorite style of underwear? Boxerbriefs unless I'm going commando!

15. Favorite style of underwear for the opposite sex? Any or none. Whatever you want is fine with me.

16. What errand/chore do you despise? Doing laundry. It's dangerous.

18. Sex or Sleep? Both, in that order.

19. Your Favorite Cartoon Character? The Tick “SPOOOOOOOOOOON!”

20. Favorite non sexual thing to do at night with a girl/boy? Play basketball?

22. What was your first car? '79 Cutlass, and it was a BEAST!

23. Your best your mama joke? "Yo momma so stupid, she sold her car for gas money"

24. Your favorite lunch meat? Smoked ham, I guess

26. Beach or Shore? What's the difference? Beach I guess

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20? For some people, but for others it’s great.

28. Who do you stalk? There are a lot of people I WANT to stalk, but I would get caught immediately.

29. Favorite guilty pleasure? Taco Bell? Celebrity gossip? Keeping up with Jennifer Lawrence?

30. Movie you watch whenever it’s on but wouldn't want anyone to find out about? Grease 2.

32. Cowboys or Indians? Indians

33. Cops or Robbers? Fuck da Police!

34. Do you cheer for the bad guys? In movies and on TV? We’re supposed to, right?

35. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best? Oh, totally Brad Pitt hahahaha

37. What do you want when you are sick? To be left the fuck alone

38. Who from High School would you like to run into? I try to avoid all of them

39. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? Some heavy metal station. When I'm hope it's usually on ESPN Arkansas.

42. Norm or Cliff? Norm, Cliff is a bore

43. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? Simpsons.

44. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back? Me just being me usually ruins everything.

46. If you could get away with it who would you kill? Oh no, no no no no .... Do you guys with the NSA think I'm stupid or something?

47. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Bill Clinton

49. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose? Yes

51. Do you have a teddy bear? No, I AM a Teddy Bear ..

52. Strangest place you have ever had sex? umm ..... uhhh ..... well ... that'll have to remain a secret since family members read this blog.

53. Strangest Place you have ever wanted to have sex? see #52

54. How many times a day do you text? Very few.


Okay, damn, that was fun, wasn’t it? Anyway, hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Also, listen to IWS Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jayman Jayman3768
@gmail.com
@Jayman-IWS

Step Back, Relax, and Give Thanks

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”

--Thornton Wilder

As many consistent readers and listeners of IWS know, life has hit a rough patch here in the Bagwine digs for Schmoop and me, and it would be easy, on this day of thanksgiving, to write about how my spirit, soul, and optimism have experienced blunt force trauma to the skull, but I refuse to allow that to happen.

After all…It’s Thanksgiving Day here in America, and in spite of  personal setbacks, serious illness, and what could only be called, plain bad luck, I am very thankful for many things.

In spite of my oft times public displays of cynicism and sarcasm, I am at heart, a bit of an optimist, and perhaps that is why Thanksgiving has always been and has remained, in spite of its growing irrelevance in the eyes of many Americans of late, my favorite holiday.

Don’t get me wrong; Christmas is fantastic…

Christmas shines with the glow of dazzlingly wrapped gifts, the colorful lights, good-natured ho ho ho’s, and smiles on the faces of babes, but Thanksgiving has for me, always contained something much warmer, more comforting, and much brighter than the wonderful excitement that abounds at Christmas.

Growing up, Thanksgiving was the family day.

With no interference or distractions of giving and receiving presents, my family of eleven would spend the day doing nothing, as we all burrowed within my mom and dad’s house while waiting for the Thanksgiving Day feast to be fully cooked and presented.

But by spending the day doing nothing, I mean, watching football together.  Playing football together.
Drinking beer together.  Making fun of each other together.  Smiling together, and having a great day together.

On those Thanksgiving days more than any other day of the year, we…were…family.

And to me?

It was the greatest feeling in the world, especially when I was eight years old or so, and was stuck eating at the kids’ table, which happened to be a rickety red card table with discolorations and indentations resulting from years of spilled beers and fist poundings from my Uncle Eddie’s inability and lack of luck to draw to an inside straight.

It didn’t matter; it was family…And today, on this glorious day of Thanksgiving…

In spite of Schmoop’s health challenges, I will be putting aside my angst, nervousness, and worries as to how our future will unwind, and do nothing but cook, drink, and enjoy my family.

I will spend the day calling my immediate family.  I will shoot my long-time friend Richard a call.  I may talk to my beloved partner in crime and friend, Jayman.  And I will of course…

Spend the day with my best friend of twelve years, Schmoop.

And a couple of things about Schmoop and I spending Thanksgiving together.  We won’t be spending it alone.

You see, a friend of mine, a very sweet friend…one of my very best friends Miss, came through the Beer Mine the other night and dropped some things off for Schmoop and I to have for Thanksgiving.

It was inordinately generous, and I said to her, “Miss, thank you so much, and I am sure I will thank you a hundred more times in the near future.”

Miss said to me, “Don’t thank me.  We are family. Family doesn't have to thank one and other.”

And she’s right.  Although not related, she and I have become family, because a deep and true friendship is like being family.

And that is how I feel about Miss, about Schmoop, about Jayman, and about a handful of my other friends.

And in spite of Schmoop’s bad turn, we have that family on which to fall, and rest, and chances are...many of you do as well.

And on this day of Thanksgiving, we need to take a second to realize that, and appreciate those who make life's slumber sound.

Cheers!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Jayman is Fascinating

Hola Y’all! While I’m off enjoying Super Happy Margarita Night here in the Jewel of the Midwest, here’s another fun meme to keep you entertained.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Not a real cop.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
I don’t ride roller coasters.


3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Years and years and years ago.


4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Well, you know that I *AM* the world’s greatest cuddler.


5. Do you believe in ghosts?
Definitely.  I’ve seen lots of ‘em.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Sometimes, I guess.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
I have no doubt whatsoever.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
Team Aniston

9. Do you stay friends with your exes?
Kinda

10. Do you know how to play poker?
I know the basic rules and idea behind Texas Hold-Em, but I’m not very good at it.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Cocaine is a hellova drug.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
It’s an old one but “I LIKE TACOS!”

13. What are you allergic to?
Mangos and success.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?
No, ‘cause you know there is a cop pretty close and he'll nail me.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
More than one.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Niether. OH GOD I HATE THEM BOTH AND THEIR FAN BASES SO MUCH!

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yes, a long, loooooooooooooooooooooooong time ago.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
About half the time.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
During our Lesbian Celebration show.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Hey Jude
Revolution
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Dear Prudence
Get Back

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?
Holy crap those margaritas are good!

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is?
No, but I've known a few Barbies who lived in the Ghetto

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes, always.

24. What cell service do you use?
Net 10 cause I’m fancy like that.

25. Do you like Sushi?
No, cause my sister tried to use it to kill me once.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Yes

27. What do you wear to bed?
Nothing. Sexy, right?

28. Been caught stealing?
Caught? No.

29. What shoe size do you have?
12.5 or 13.

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
Yes, but I'm trying to get past that. It’s bad to hate.

31. Classic Rock or Rap?
I love and hate both of them.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Sofia Vergara

Or, Zhang Ziyi

33. Favorite Song?
There’s no way to come up with ONE favorite song.

34. Have you ever sung in front of the mirror?
Haven’t we all?

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Mayonnaise

36. Do you sing in the shower?
Not usually.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?
Many times, in fact I’d be willing to play with many of you right now.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
No more than you have.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
Yes.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes.


Woo-Hoo! Another fascinating trip to Jaymanville!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 


Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

He's Not Even Black, but Dr. Rawalpindi Will Cut a Bitch!!

Salutations and a joyous and effervescent day after Monday to all of you most well perusers of the IWS blog web.

I am IWS staff medico, Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi, here with an update on the adorable yet less than affable, personage called Schmoop.

I witnessed her in my office yesterday at the fifteen minute interval that follows the ten o’clock hour of AM.

On the upside, her neon yellow skin tone has salvaged itself all the way down to what a painter would refer to as, a dull ochre, or in my terms, a Cambodian yellow softened a tich by the subtle maize-like sheen of Guamanian pigment.

Medicinally speaking, this is much above average in its goodness.

Anyhoodle…

The day before the one in which we are currently residing, I explained to Schmoop the vastness and invasiveness of the acts I shall perform upon her with stealth, acumen, and a very pointy scalpel on a day in December numbered the 14th.

I put her at ease as I told her that her surgery will transpire at the half past seven hour of AM which means instead of anesthesia she can just be euphoric from the fact that she won’t encounter heavy Columbus traffic on her sojourn over here.

Ha Ha…I jested with her.  That is the nugget of my charm that excoriates me to others, but I digress, and need to allow myself to task to you what is at hand.

Schmoop’s bile duct is plugged.  Plugged tight.  In fact, it is plugged so tight that I can’t see if the pluggage in question is cancerous or not until I rip her open and take a look see.

Man, this entire thing is going to take a goodly amount of time and labor.  Schmoop could be on the bed of operations for three to seven, sixty minute periods.  Do you realize how many Indians are born every three to seven sixty minute periods?

Enough Indians to fill every God Damn call center in the world and still have ranch hands available to wash every God Damn sacred cow in in the Punjab region.  Wait?  Where I was?  Oh…Schmoop…

She will remain mostly fine as we seize the maleficent intruder from her sexy, even at the age of two score and six, nubile body.  I shall not let you lovers of Schmoop cascade downward in your mood from up.

That is where we stand erect at this point.  Myself and arraignment of medicinal cohorts will do all we can to make Schmoop whole again even though we will be removing vital organs.

That’s right IWS fanaticals…Even though she will actually be half the person she was prior to surgery, she will be more complete, or as Matt and Jay say…or something.

Annnnnnd….After her post-operative stay of 7-10 days, Matt-Man may very well have her home for your traditional war on holiday known as Christmas.

If that doesn’t put a smile on your Christmas tree, my name isn’t…

Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Eat to Live, Live to Eat

Hola y’all! Since I’m busy corrupting the simple and decent people of Omaha, NE this week, I will use old memes as fodder on the days that it's my turn to post. IKNOWRIGHT!? So very exciting!

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled or over-easy

How do you take your coffee/tea: When I do drink coffee I like cream and sugar. Or some Jameson’s Irish Whiskey or some Baily's Irish Cream

Favorite breakfast foods: Bacon, eggs and hash browns

Peanut butter: smooth or crunchy? Smooooooooooth

What kind of dressing on your salad? I prefer French, but I can live with Italian or a balsamic vinaigrette

Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi!

You're feeling lazy. What do you make? Maybe just a hamburger patty and some fries or one of those frozen breaded chicken patties on a bun and some fries. Or maybe a frozen pizza.


You're feeling really lazy. What kind of pizza do you order? Being a simple kind of guy, I normally just get a pepperoni pizza with extra sauce on thin crust from Pizza Hut

You feel like cooking. What do you make? Lots of different chicken meals, sometimes with pasta, sometimes with rice and maybe even meatloaf and sometimes pork.

Do any foods bring back good memories? Mostly stuff like prime rib or really good steaks we would have at “family” gatherings at my dad’s house on holidays. Or big holiday meals with my REAL family.


Do any foods remind you of someone? When I have red beans and rice I think of my sister cause she makes GREAT red beans and rice. Oh and an awesome pork stew.


Is there a food you refuse to eat? When I was a kid there were, but now, I think I'd try most things. Well, not rodents.

What was your favorite food as a child? Burgers

Is there a food that you hated as a child but now love? Probably green veggies. Although I will not eat that nasty green pile of sludge that comes out of a can that they try to pass off as spinach. I like my spinach fresh and in a salad, thank you.

Is there a food that you loved as a child but now hate? Can't think of any.

Favorite fruit or vegetable: Veggie: Actually I love mixed vegetables with the green beans, corn peas, carrots and little lima beans. Fruit: Grapes

Favorite junk food: Doritos Nacho Cheese Chips

Favorite between meal snack: I love those peanut butter crackers or just saltines

Do you have any weird food habits: You mean as in do I get freaky with food? I love strawberries and bananas and cereal, but I HATE strawberries or bananas IN my cereal. I love maple syrup over my sausage, but HATE maple sausage. And, as you probably know, I’m not a fan of handling foods so I wear food safe gloves.

You're on a diet. What food(s) do you fill up on? Veggies and Chicken

You're off your diet. Now what would you like? Great big old BBQ pork sandwich from Bodacious BBQ.

How spicy do you order Indian/Thai, etc? Spicy foods tend to cause me problems, but I do love Indian food. Normally if I’m at an Indian Restaurant and they give us the choice of how spicy we want our food, I go with “not too spicy” just to save myself the trouble.

Can I get you a drink? Scotch or Cabo Wabo Tequilla or Woodford Reserve Bourbon

Red wine or white? Yes please. I love wine and will drink both reds and whites at any time.

We only have beer: German or Belgian please. Or just good old Coors Light.

Favorite dessert? A big warm brownie with an even bigger scoop of vanilla ice cream and some chocolate syrup poured over it.

The perfect nightcap? In the winter time some hot chocolate is always good.


Okay, that was fascinating wasn’t it kids? Yeah, I thought so.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Also, on Sunday we had a great time just shooting the breeze on the I’m With Stupid Podcast. Originally the idea was to give out advice to folks for dealing with the holidays, but we didn’t really get around to doing much of that. But, it was still a fun time of just talking about whatever came up. So, you should totally check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

IWS Babe of the Week: Thanksgiving Hotties!!

Thanksgiving is a few days away so let's gobble up some Thanksgiving Day Babes of the Week IWS style...

Anytime I see Rachel Ray pulling a hot, moist turkey from her oven, I get an incredibly hard wishbone...

Democrats and Republicans may fail to get along, but Indians and Pilgrims not only can, they have an estrogen-filled good time doing so... 

Can you say, Poke-a-Hottie..?

I hope that the oysters that she is cooking up for the dressing are going to make her go mad for me...

We already met Poke-a-Hottie, now allow me to introduce you to, Sock-It-Me-Uh...

Not a big fan of Rachel Ray, but I bet her pie tastes awesome...

Jay and I give thanks for her everyday, but on Thanksgiving, both of us always give a special thanks to our friend, the uber-lovely Tamra...

Happy Thanksgiving all, and...if you need advice on how to handle the stress, family in-fighting, and normal idiocy that transpires during the holidays...

You need to listen to IWS Radio today LIVE at Noon ET, as we offer advice on how to handle the clusterfuck that is the Holiday Season.

You can listen live today at NOON ET by clicking HERE, and/or...

Call us live with your questions and dilemmas at 661.244.9852.

MSJS 69.69

Matt jibbers, Jay jabbers, You roll your eyes.

Matt: HOW DARE YOU CALL HERE!
Jay: Wha?
Matt: Oh it’s you.
Jay: Who did you think it was?
Matt: Eh, it’s a long story.
Jay: One you haven’t made up yet?
Matt: I’m working on it.
Jay: How’s Schmoop?
Matt: I’m not answering that until you ask how I am.
Jay: I refuse.
Matt: Fine we’ll just sit here until you give in.
Jay: Okay.
Matt: Okay.
Jay: I’m calling through Google so it’s free.
Matt: Shit.
Jay: I’ll compromise a little.
Matt: Okay.
Jay: How are Schmoop and Matt?
Matt: Make that Matt and Schmoop and I’ll answer.
Jay: No
Matt: Oh okay.
Jay: Well?
Matt: Oh! Well … I’M great and Schmoop is tired but good.
Jay: That’s good to hear.
Matt: Ha! I won. I told you how I was first!
Jay: Very mature.
Matt: I’m a winner!

Matt: Hey, you know my schedule is going to change again pretty soon.
Jay: Yeah, I know. Stupid winter hours.
Matt: I’ll be working seven days a week.
Jay: Slacker.
Matt: I know. It’s just the way I am.
Jay: And you won’t know your schedule until the last minute before the change.
Matt: We don’t do that advance planning crap in these parts.
Jay: You just wait until the winds tell you to change the hours.
Matt: Well, kind of actually. The longer it stays mild, the longer we stay open late.
Jay: That’s just not a solid enough schedule for me.
Matt: Gotta learn to be flexible.
Jay: Whatever. We’ll do the show at 7 am if we have to.
Matt: Damn right! Or midnight.
Jay: Yeah, we tried that.
Matt: Oh yeah, that didn’t work out well.
Jay: It’s not easy to be coherent at midnight.
Matt: Well, it’s harder than usual at least.
Jay: Ha! Yeah, that too.

Jay: So we’re gonna set up the Holiday Season for everyone this week?
Matt: Yeah, people like advice and they need holiday season advice the most.
Jay: Things like “How to deal with your family.”
Matt: Drink
Jay: And how to deal with co-workers at holiday parties
Matt: Drink
Jay: How to deal with holiday depression
Matt: Drink and eat
Jay: You’re good at this.
Matt: I’m a wise and learned man.
Jay: Is that contagious?
Matt: Well, in a way.
Jay: Is it dangerous?
Matt: To some people, yes.
Jay: Okay, Advice for the Holidays then?
Matt: It’ll be very educational.
Jay: And I can use that pic of the Victoria’s Secret model in the Native American Headdress that so many people are pissed off about!
Matt: Hell yes! If someone is offended by it, we should use it.
Jay: It’s what we do.
Matt: Damn right! Hold on I have another for you.
Jay: Okay
Matt: It’s one of my favorite pics of Jesus.
Jay: A cell phone pic?
Matt: No, Polaroid. Use it for the show.
Jay: Okie dokie dude! We’re ready!
Matt: That we are! Goodnight and God Bless.


Damn, those guys are awesome, aren’t they? Anyway, be sure to tune into I’m With Stupid’s “Advice for the Holidays” Sunday November 18, 2012 at 12 Noon ET! It’ll be fun and exciting. Probably.

Holiday Horoscope 2012

Hi all my darlings...Lana Jouray here with my astral tea leaf reading of whether this holiday season you will enjoy the gift of life, or spray yourself down under the mistletoe of indignity...

Aries March 21-April 19

Sure it’s nice to know that grabbing the winning side of the wishbone is yours to make a wish, but it is less nice to know that you spent your wish wishing it hadn’t come out of your own rib cage.

Taurus April 20-May 20

You will discover that saying to your Thanksgiving Day sex partner, “Oh it’s just too many cranberries.”, is in no way a good cover for the fact that you have hemorrhoids.

Gemini May 21-June 20

Your wife tells you that she wants this Christmas to be perfect.  That’s why you string the lights in an awesomely straight line, and then move to Tahiti and have sex with a chick who can suck an entire breadfruit through her mouth without gasping for air, and more importantly, not putting on weight in spite of the carbs. Perfect!!

Cancer June 21-July 22

It’s nice that you volunteered for the Salvation Army, but telling people, “I don’t need donations God Dammit, I just like to ring bells.”, is not helpful to the cause.

Leo July 23-August 22

Hanukkah is great, but that doesn't mean that you, celebrating your Judaism, have to spin your girlfriend atop your dreidel for eight straight days against her will, while yelling at her, “Antiochus Must Die!!”

Virgo August 23-September 22

You will become famous overnight, when it is discovered that you are the one person in the world, who truly enjoys the fruitcake that you received.

Libra September 23-October 22

You’ve always believed in the theorem, “The love you give, is the love you receive.”, and that is why on Christmas Eve, an evil man holding a ten pound sledge hammer will be decking your cranial halls.

Scorpio October 23-November 21

Sure, he fucked your wife, but after you took pictures, extorted him, and received a new gas grill and a Jaguar for your efforts, you believe in Santa Claus even more.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21

The late President Millard Fillmore will resurrect himself, buy a gun, greet you with a “Merry Christmas”, and then shoot you.  He will then say to the Washington Post, “At least people will remember me now.”

Capricorn December 22-January 19

A bearded man and his wife from Galilee will come to your hotel, and unfortunately you will have to tell them that you are full.  You will come to regret this when a little boy continuously plays drums outside your establishment.

Aquarius January 20-February 18

On TV, Yukon Cornelius said that Bumbles bounce, but unfortunately for you, they bite as well.

Pisces February 19-March 20

A New Year brings hope and inspiration, which is why the hope you had after your parole will bring you the inspiration to knock over a liquor store three days later.

Ad Astra per Aspera

Lana

The Worst Blog Post Ever

Hola y’all! Man, I don’t know why everything has to be such a hassle. You might remember the ridiculous effort it took to just change out a burned-out tail light back in the summer on my car? Well, that thing is at it again, causing trouble. Now it’s the windshield wipers. What could be more basic than that, right? WRONG! You can’t just use ANY wipers. Oh no! The driver’s side gets a different size than the passenger’s side and apparently not too many people make any that will fit.

My plan is to try and find just the blades and see if I can rip the old ones out (they’re already ripped anyway) and then slide new ones in. But, we all know I’m going to end up having to get the expensive shit and use some stupid adapter to make them fit. Why do car companies do this? Can we drop another atomic bomb on Japan to make me feel better? Please?

It’s always the little things isn’t it? When big things happen, you just sit back, take it all in and then figure out how to deal with it and move forward. But, the little things? Things that should only take a few minutes out of your day and be simple that turn into huge half-day efforts full of running all over town and getting dirty? That’s when you have to keep your cool.

I really should work on that. Maybe I’ll make that my New Year’s Resolution. Or not. I can’t be bothered by shit like that right now, I’m too focused on getting ready for my big trip.

Shit. You know what? This is the worst blog post I’ve ever done. And that’s saying something too cause I’ve done some stinkers. I’m talking about my windshield wipers like y’all give a crap. I’m sure each of you are on the edge of your seat saying “Damn! Which company still makes wipers that fit your car? Hope it’s not Rain-X cause that’s some expensive shit right there. I know it isn’t Bosch cause they never make anything anyone needs. Or something. I don’t really know, I just read it on the internet.”

Yeah well, EXCUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEE! I live a very quiet and boring life. The only exciting thing that happened to me all year was when my apartment building nearly burned to the ground a couple of weeks ago.

I was originally going to outline my reasons for wanting Arkansas to secede from the union, but I don’t really have any. I mean, what would Arkansas do as an independent country? We can’t even field a decent football team. Our state army would get its ass kicked so fast it wouldn’t even be funny. Probably by Louisiana as they seem like the mostly likely to start some shit with other states that have seceded and are giving it a go as an independent nation. Then Louisiana would control our precious rice fields and they would get to export the rice to Asia and make all that money. Fuck that.

Unless we entered into some kind of alliance with Texas and they agreed to whip up on anyone who messed with us. That would be a pretty sweet deal. They probably wouldn’t do it. Texas wouldn’t get anything good out of it. What could we offer them? Not a damn thing. So, that whole secession idea sucks.

Oh hey! I’m closing in on 600 words. That means it’s time to wrap it up. You never want a blog post to be too long because people have really short attention spans. I mean, people are busy. Yeah, that’s it.

So what have we learned today kids? My car needs wiper blades that aren’t easy to find, little things get annoying really fast and Arkansas wouldn’t last two days as an independent nation. I’m pretty sure none of that shit matters to you, but there you go.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Be sure to check out the I'm With Stupid show! We're hilarious!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Poetry 'n' Such with Paul Piatt

Gentle, yet heartfelt greetings to all of you discerning drinkers of the warm and aromatic coffee of life that is the IWS website.

Renown poet and IWS Literary Editor Paul Piatt here once again, in order to share with you some of today’s finest in the world of poetry, prose, and people.

Today during our monthly and continuing journey of words made magical, and life’s pentameters made iambic, I introduce you to a fellow sommelier of intoxicating words, my friend and fellow poet, Vincent St. Millay.

Vincent hails from the rich and resplendent rolling hills of the eastern Kentucky coal mining cottage town, of Pikeville, KY., and writes in a tone and temper that reflects the austere background, and prevalent communal illiteracy in which his familial rearing took place.

Whenever I talk to Vincent at this time of year, he undoubtedly oratorically waxes lovingly in timbre and song much like that of the lucid and lyrical tones of a happily impregnated indigo bunting, as he verbally relives the festive Thanksgiving celebrations he experienced while growing up in a town of 6,892 people who were all related to one and other.

And while much of his poetry is sprinkled and written on the bias of good times for all, Vincent, in his award winning book from 1994, Maybe I’d Be Happier If Didn’t Smoke Bluegrass, sums up Thanksgiving from a different point of view…

That of the turkey…

View of a Turkey*

The turkey lay on a barrow dead.
It weighed, Eustis said, as much as three of Aunt Sheila’s head.
Its eyes closed, pink white feathers.
Its trotters stuck straight out.
Such weight and thick pink bulk
Set in death seemed not just dead.
It was less than lifeless, further off, but us it will fed.
It was like a sack of wheat.
I thumped it without feeling remorse.
One feels guilty insulting the dead,
Walking on graves. But this turkey
Did not seem able to accuse.
It was too dead. Dead without a head.
A poundage of lard will cook it up nicely.
No more dignity, just a few spicelies
It was not a figure of fun.
Too dead now to pity, but man, oh yum!!
To remember its life as he cackled about
Of earthly pleasure that had been cut out
Seemed a false effort, and off the point.
Too deadly factual. Its weight
Oppressed me — how could it be moved?
And the trouble of cutting it up!
The gash in its throat was shocking, but not pathetic.
And when I did cut him, I became apoplectic
To catch a strong gobbler
That was faster and nimbler than a cat,
Its squeal was the rending of screwing a chick who was fat.
Turkeys must have hot blood, they feel like ovens.
Their bite is worse than a horse’s —
They chop a half-moon clean out.
They mock you and curse you with their evil poultry shout.
Distinctions and admirations such
As this one was long finished with.
I stared at it a long time, and knew it would be delicious…ith
We scalded it clean
Scalded it and scoured it like a doorstep…

And then, we gave thanks, and ate it like ravenous wolves.

Feasting upon the death of a turkey, cranberries in their hemorrhoidal glory, and a Jell-O mold that looked like a liver gone bad.

Happy Thanksgiving gentle readers!!

For now, as I travel the road less traveled,

Paul Piatt
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

*With apologies to one of my favorite poets, the late Ted Hughes…

It's About to Get Hectic ... For Some People

Hola y’all! Well, the election is almost a week old and it’s time for us all to move on to new things to obsess over. For most of us that will be the rapidly approaching Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa holidays. There may be a few others in there that I missed. Unless you’re the Secretary of State of Arizona cause that dude’s still got a lot of work to do since there are FOUR HUNDRED EIGHTY-FIVE THOUSAND ballots still to be counted there. What the hell are they doing out there? Working on their winter tans?

And of course David Petraeus has a few other things to worry about too. Like keeping all of his mistresses from getting into a huge cat fight. You’d think all those years of dealing with warring factions in Afghanistan would have given him the training he needed to handle some crazy chicks. Worse than that he now has to sleep on the couch with one eye open every night. You think he was already paranoid about how dangerous the world was? I guarantee you he’s far more worried about what Mrs. Petraeus might do to him.

And then there’s me. It’s not my style to brag or anything, but I don’t have to worry so much about the “hectic holiday season” like so many of you guys. I don’t have any kids (that I know of) so I don’t have to put with them asking “When is Santa coming?” every day. I don’t have a big family to buy for so I don’t need to make long lists and go on big shopping trips.

Since I never get invited to any holiday parties, I don’t have to worry about keeping my social calendar straight. Yup, I’m a simple man living a simple life. I’ll be kicked back, eating Christmas cookies and drinking Shiner Holiday Cheer Beer while you guys are wearing yourselves out trying to get everything done and juggle all your school, family and social obligations.

Hell, I even stopped sending out Christmas Cards because it was too much of a hassle. It took me all afternoon to address all the envelopes and I can still taste the glue from having to seal all of those things. I still have a Word Document with everyone’s address though. The only thing I use it for is to put your addresses into Google Street View and get a look at your houses. That’s pretty much the laziest stalking ever right there.

We’ve got a lot great stuff planned for the blog and the IWS Podcast for the holidays though. Okay, not really. I just said that because I starting to look a little pathetic there. Although I’m not sure what I’m worried about, this post is already four times longer than Matt’s post for yesterday was. Shit, I’m really worried about getting old after reading that one!

Anyway, the only thing I have on my holiday schedule is my annual trip to lovely, mysterious and exotic Omaha, Nebraska to hang out with my sister and brother in law. This Saturday, I’ll load up the car, check the air in the tires and make the 431 mile drive north to the Jewel of the Midwest for Thanksgiving week.

While I’m there and before things get crazy, I’ll do the bit of Christmas shopping that I’m not doing online. So, when I get home a week later all I have to do is get the already put together and mostly decorated fake Christmas Tree out of the closet and put it on the table and all my Christmas decorating will be done. After that, all I have to do is plan when I’m going to make the Christmas fudge and that’s it.

See? It’s a simple time of year folks.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS