Living in a Van Down by the River

Cheers Bitches, and Happy Monday…Matt-Man here.

There are quite a few things going on and going down in my life this week, so I’d thought I’d do a pre-cap of all the action that will be unfolding, so when I go over the edge, you’ll know what is going on and why I will have lost my mind.

Found out yesterday that my BFF/OSP Schmoop who hasn't worked since October 22 due to health issues, has been denied at least her first two weeks of unemployment compensation, and may not get any whatsoever.

Apparently, her newly former boss who laid her off, claims to the powers that be, when questioned by the those who give the thumbs up or down to a claimant’s request, that…

“Laid her off!?  Oh no, that’s crazy talk.  There’s plenty of work for her to do here.”

The whiplash that I incurred when Schmoop informed me that that is what the folks at unemployment told her that that is what they had been told by said boss left me feeling and sounding like Dr. Phil.

I…was…STUPIFIED!!

The entire thing would be inexplicable except for one incredibly undeniable and transparent fact…her newly former boss is, and always has been, a completely selfish and self-centered dick who has no regard for anyone unless they are making money for him.

And here is what really disconcerting and foremost in my mind…This Friday, the lovely, yet soon to be indigent Schmoop is going under the knife at OSU Medical Center.

She will be on the table and under the knife for anywhere from 4-7 hours, as Dr. Rawalpindi removes a mass from her bile duct.

It’s bad enough that she has to worry about that, but due to the actions of her newly former boss, she has to worry that after her discharge from the hospital, which will take anywhere from 7-10 days, Schmoop will have to worry if she and we, have a home in which to stay come January.

Am I being hokie?  Am I being melodramatic?

No.

During the chaos surrounding her surgery , the battles over not being compensated, and the trepidation she has over the possibility of having cancer, Schmoop has had only one overriding fear and a singular point of ultimate sorrow…

She said to me…

“This apartment, for as small as it is, is home. I never felt that way at my house growing up, nor when I lived with John, but this is our home, and I don’t want to lose it.”

Here is what this unfeeling, un-thinking, ego-centric, self -serving jerk of a boss doesn’t understand…

With the arrogant and flippant statement he made to the folks at the unemployment office, he not only prevented Schmoop from garnering her opulent unemployment salary of $230.00 per week, he may have kicked her out of the home she loves as well.

Perhaps he doesn't realize that, or…perhaps he does.  Either way…

Even after twelve years of dedicated and loyal service on Schmoop’s behalf to him and his company, confidence is high that he doesn't really care.

And sadly, because of his actions, instead of merely worrying about her surgery, Schmoop has to worry about the financial situation as well.

Well…As I am not one to stand idly by, I will make sure he has to worry about his as well.  Letting his customers know the truth about him and his business practices is one way to do just that.

It won’t make our financial situation any better, but when Schmoop and I are living in a van down by the river, it’ll make me feel much better.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

On a lighter note…Jay and I broadcast a most festive and astounding celebration of Hanukkah on the IWS Radio Show Saturday night.  We had music, frivolity, and a regaling of all things Jewish.  We also checked-in with Dour Mike and Ariel Sharon.  If you missed it live, you can catch the magic right here:

I Need a Ten Day Surrogate!!

Cheeeeers Chuckleheads; Matt-Man here for I’m With Stupid.

As many of you know, my BFF/OSP Schmoop, is awaiting to go under the knife of Dr. Rawalpindi on December 14th in order to have parts of several of her less than stellar performing internal organs removed.

As we await to see if we will have unemployment money coming in so we can remain in the Bagwine digs, we are making logistical plans in order to make this lifestyle upheaval relatively painless in spite of the cutting and gouging upon her gizzards and innards.

Her brother will take her to the hospital and remain with her through her three to seven hour surgery as well as her seven to ten day post-operative stay.

Schmoop, should she receive her unemployment benefits as she should, has already informed ODJFS to deposit her money grab of socialism directly into her bank account.

She and I have discussed household bill payments, food stockpiles, and my transportation issues to and fro work as the car will be in Columbus with her brother as he remains with her during her traumatic nearly two week stay at OSU Medical Center.

We seem to have been very practical and thoughtful in our considerations as to what needs to be in place prior to her departure, however, there is one infinitely more important item of business that overrides all of the aforementioned particulars that should be in place prior to her gutting…

I Need a Ten-Day Surrogate!!

That’s right.

Both Schmoop and I have agreed that I need supervision while she is gone, so…I am looking for a woman to come and be my companion for ten days and help me make it through this difficult time by offering emotional and moral support, as well as performing, “other duties as assigned.”

I wouldn’t ask this of any of you except for the fact that Schmoop being in a foreign hospital bed, surrounded by foreign doctors all what with their hands up inside of her, performing major life-saving surgery on her is one thing, but having it take place around the Christmas holiday?

Can you imagine how that makes ME feel?

More often than not, it’s all about the patient, while those like me, sit at home wondering if the love of his life made it through surgery, all the while searching for that elusive can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli in the cabinet, and desperately longing for a caring and friendly, feminine shoulder upon which to cry.

Seriously?  I don’t need that hassle, and more importantly, it’s just not fair.

Schmoop all gassed up, will be having highly trained medical professionals rummaging through her body, and afterwards will receive an adjustable bed, and catered meals.

And what will I be receiving for my worry and longing for her to be home? Uh-huh, that’s right…

Heartache!!

So, if you are a woman between the ages of 35 and 55, are able to make a good sandwich, can do laundry, light housekeeping, and can pop a top off a can of beer while wearing very little clothes while watching football with me, contact me.

I have a position open for you.  While it may last only ten days, if you really put out a good effort, it could be a temp to hire full-time position.

Send your resume and references to the following addresses…

Cheers!!
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

Dr. Rawalpindi Speaks...You Listen

Hallo.  Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi here wishing you all a morning of goodness, satisfaction, and Egg McMuffins.

I am the official physician for the IWS Radio team.

I am proffered for your acceptance from New Delhi via the University of Bombay, the Ohio State University of the Medical Arts, and an ill-gotten F-1 Student Visa from my Mexican doctor friend, Paco.

Say what you will, but trust me now, and regret me later…I know my medicinal arts.

I have treated the Matt-Man for gonorrhea.  I have treated Jayman for shingles.  I have treated many of you, their reading and listening audience, for bad taste.

My scope of practionocity is extremely limited and unvisible.  I am the Uber-Doctor, and?

The only thing that I have, that is more huger than my ego is the amount of malpractice insurance that I carry, because if I mishappenly perform a spinal tap on your vagina, I want you to cognizate that you would be duly compentrated for the pain and great cardio woefulness that I may or may not have persisted on you.

And your vagina.

I am currently praticinating and serving umbrage at the Ohio State Medical Center, and am having the glorious ability to treat one friend of IWS, Schmoop.

After parlaying my knowing eye upon her for a day or so, I know one thing to be true.

The Bitch is Yellow.

And here is where my medicinal expertise carry forth.

Is she Chinese yellow?  Is she Korean yellow, or….and I have a hunchback, is she Laotian yellow!?

Bringo!!  Yes her is!!

Uh-huh…I uttered that!!  Bitch is suffering from Laotian Disease.

She been resting here most gingerly for one half less than two days, so on this 24 hour period I shall run some exams in order to confirminate my diagnostics.

Laotian Disease is not what you Americans call, “attractive.”

Sure, when one contracts it, and is merely bespeckled in a yellow hue, it is manageable, however…

If left un-deblemished, the patient will begin to quote Mao, develop a taste for fetid water, and go see my colleague Paco for a passport so he or she can go to Vientiane in utmost hope of securing job sewing American flags and sweat socks at twenty-two cents a day.

I know that October is Breast Cancer Awareness 30 Day Period, but I think it is time that we regale some time to Laotian Disease.

Schmoop has it.  I’m on it, and in the finality…Something good will come of it…Probably.

With the Utmost Sincerity and Wishing you a Great Harvest and Three Cows,

Dr. Rajiv Rawalpindi

And in other news….Yesterday on IWS Radio, Jay and Matt discussed the medical field as our buddy Schmoop lies in Columbus, Ohio sick and suffering.

If you missed it, you can catch it all right here…

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Cheers,
Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com