Gov. John Kasich Says, "Arkansas Sucks!!"

My fellow Americans, and especially my fellow Ohioans…

I come to you today on the webpage of IWS Radio in order to set the record straight about the Great State of Ohio after she and her citizenry came under a vile and vicious verbal attack yesterday by the Arkansas half of the IWS Radio tandem, Jayman.

Hi.  John Kasich, Governor of the Great State of Ohio here, but today you can call me…

Johnny Buckeye, the Stand-Up Comedian and today I am executive ordering a little rebuttal type ribbing toward those inbreds my friends down in Arkansas.

Now Jayman wants to get rid of Ohio by giving it to Canada.  He was nice enough to say that Ohioans who wanted remain part of the U.S., could move to Morgantown, WV.  I thought to myself…Why did he pick Morgantown, WV.?  And then it hit me!!

Morgantown is home to the University of West Virginia which just like Fayetteville, AR., houses one of the crappiest of college football programs in the country.  Jayman was simply going with what he is familiar with. O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

In Columbus?  We have THE Ohio State Buckeyes, a football program that knows how to win!!

Jayman went on by spitting his venom upon the grand and historic Ohio cities of Cleveland and Cincinnati.  He referred to them as ghettos.  Ghettos?  Hell if you want a ghetto move to Arkansas and live halfway between the towns of Pea City and Gassville.  Talk about a filthy stench hole!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also notice that in Arkansas, they have cities named Stuttgart and Hamburg.  Hmmmmm?  Maybe we should have bombed the Arkansas cities of Stuttgart and Hamburg instead of the ones in Germany during WWII.  O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

And Jayman lives in Harrison, a city that boasts a population of 12,943.  Ha.  Really?  That’s fewer people than I make in dollars in contributions during nine holes of golf.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Hey!!  What do you call a person in Arkansas that speaks perfect English, has perfect manners, and is married to someone to whom they are not related?  A tourist!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

On a serious note, however…Y’know?  Jayman’s post yesterday began around the tragic and terrifying kidnapping and ten year imprisonment and enslavement of Amanda Berry and the other two young girls.

Those young girls were forced to be chained against their will, have sex against their will, and sadly in at least one instance, become impregnated against their will by Ariel Castro.  And, as the Governor and Chief Comforter of Ohio, I have to say…

Here in Ohio, we call that a crime beyond all crimes.  In Arkansas?

They call that, one helluva rollicking good Family Reunion!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also find it funny that Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush 41, and Bush 43 retired to their home states after their Presidencies.  Bill Clinton?  Nope, he moved to New York all the while saying…

“Arkansas is a good place to be FROM!!”  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

But, as I keep this all good-natured, I have to say that I respect Arkansans, or Arkansawyers, or whatever the hell else they call themselves now, because they are part of the fabric that makes these United States of America great.

And seriously?  What would we do if we didn’t have Arkansas as part of our union, and our brotherhood, and our kinship?

Hmmmmm…Ha…We’d skip Wal*Mart and buy factory direct from China.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Thanks for your time ladies and gentlemen and remember there are only three things in life that matter…

Trying the veal, tipping your waitress, and passing draconian Right-to-Work legislation.

Peace Out,

Gov. John Kasich (R-OH)

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Brutus Buckeye Says: Ohio State Football Fans Suck !!

OH-IO and Go Bucks to all my Buckeye Nation friends. Brutus Buckeye here for I’m With Stupid.

Much like you Buckeye Nation, as THE adorable face of THE Ohio State University football program, I am not thrilled with the team’s 3-3 start, but well, by golly, there’s something I need to get off of my waxy, tannin-colored chest, and say unto you, the Ohio State Football fans…

YOU are driving me freakin’ crazy to the point where my nut is about to explode!! Could you please stop with the whining, the wailing, and even more so, the gnashing of teeth? Oh Dear God, the gnashing!!  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it's noisy.

You’re diving me human!!

What the hell is wrong with you people? Have you so little in your personal and professional lives that you must live vicariously through a college football team?

That was a silly question…of course you must. As head nut for this university, I have seen them all.

Men who feel worthless if OSU isn’t on top every week. Men who in fact tie their very manhood to the Buckeyes.

It’s as if for some Buckeye Nation men, that the length of their manhood in inches, is in direct proportion to the number of victories Ohio State registers in a season.

And right now? 

There are a bunch of scarlet and gray clad men roaming the streets of Columbus and elsewhere in Ohio, with three inch dorks…and feelings of inadequacy.

It’s okay guys. Brutus Buckeye understands, but seriously? 

It’s time to move on…time to grow up…time for you to recognize that THE Ohio State University is just another football program, not THE football program.

You need to realize that OSU will not be great every year, because well, look at the kids we recruit to play here. I know, you think that each and every Buckeye football player is among the elite, but truthfully?

Our football team is made up of players who were too slow to get recruited by an SEC school, and too stupid to get accepted to an Ivy League school. And really...

We should be thankful that we don’t let athletes like that fall through the cracks…In fact, we could rename the team, THE Ohio State Safety Net.

See? We’re not Notre Dame, Boston College, or TCU, yet we are doing God’s work, but as we are a public university, don’t let the ACLU know. Anyhoo…

You guys toiling through this delusion that OSU is the end all and be all of football have to admit…We’ve had some real losers grace the gridiron grass of the ‘Shoe.

Art Schlichter, Andy Katzenmoyer, Maurice Clarett, Terrelle Pryor…Jim Tressel. And hell, look at our suspended “superstar” wideout, DeVier Posey!!

Holy Cow, he was suspended for being overpaid for work he didn’t do, and then super-secret suspended because he kept on doing it during the initial investigation. 

It’s nearly inexplicable, however, it does explain my previous postulate that Buckeye players are too stupid for an Ivy League school, anyway…

While Posey does have some WR skills, the dude has always had hands like a clock, and his time has run out, as it has on THE Ohio State University.

Buckeye Nation, listen to Brutus…

I know that you never got to play football yourselves. I know you think that you know the intricacies of coaching football, and don’t. I know that many of you say “we” when you speak of the OSU football team even though you never even attended the university, let alone played.

I know that you live or die on the success of the program because your personal and professional lives suck. I get all that, but c’mon…

Together, we can get through this rough patch in our otherwise sad, sad lives and move on.

After all, looking at the rest of the schedule, IF we can beat Illinois this weekend, we have a good shot at going 7-5, and really…

Is walking around the streets of Columbus, Ohio with a seven inch wanker, all that bad?

Keep the faith…but not too much,

Brutus Buckeye

P.S. As I am but a jolly and endearing mascot, please direct all hate mail to Matt-Man @:

neshobadue@yahoo.com

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS