Gov. John Kasich Says, "Arkansas Sucks!!"

My fellow Americans, and especially my fellow Ohioans…

I come to you today on the webpage of IWS Radio in order to set the record straight about the Great State of Ohio after she and her citizenry came under a vile and vicious verbal attack yesterday by the Arkansas half of the IWS Radio tandem, Jayman.

Hi.  John Kasich, Governor of the Great State of Ohio here, but today you can call me…

Johnny Buckeye, the Stand-Up Comedian and today I am executive ordering a little rebuttal type ribbing toward those inbreds my friends down in Arkansas.

Now Jayman wants to get rid of Ohio by giving it to Canada.  He was nice enough to say that Ohioans who wanted remain part of the U.S., could move to Morgantown, WV.  I thought to myself…Why did he pick Morgantown, WV.?  And then it hit me!!

Morgantown is home to the University of West Virginia which just like Fayetteville, AR., houses one of the crappiest of college football programs in the country.  Jayman was simply going with what he is familiar with. O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

In Columbus?  We have THE Ohio State Buckeyes, a football program that knows how to win!!

Jayman went on by spitting his venom upon the grand and historic Ohio cities of Cleveland and Cincinnati.  He referred to them as ghettos.  Ghettos?  Hell if you want a ghetto move to Arkansas and live halfway between the towns of Pea City and Gassville.  Talk about a filthy stench hole!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also notice that in Arkansas, they have cities named Stuttgart and Hamburg.  Hmmmmm?  Maybe we should have bombed the Arkansas cities of Stuttgart and Hamburg instead of the ones in Germany during WWII.  O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

And Jayman lives in Harrison, a city that boasts a population of 12,943.  Ha.  Really?  That’s fewer people than I make in dollars in contributions during nine holes of golf.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Hey!!  What do you call a person in Arkansas that speaks perfect English, has perfect manners, and is married to someone to whom they are not related?  A tourist!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

On a serious note, however…Y’know?  Jayman’s post yesterday began around the tragic and terrifying kidnapping and ten year imprisonment and enslavement of Amanda Berry and the other two young girls.

Those young girls were forced to be chained against their will, have sex against their will, and sadly in at least one instance, become impregnated against their will by Ariel Castro.  And, as the Governor and Chief Comforter of Ohio, I have to say…

Here in Ohio, we call that a crime beyond all crimes.  In Arkansas?

They call that, one helluva rollicking good Family Reunion!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also find it funny that Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush 41, and Bush 43 retired to their home states after their Presidencies.  Bill Clinton?  Nope, he moved to New York all the while saying…

“Arkansas is a good place to be FROM!!”  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

But, as I keep this all good-natured, I have to say that I respect Arkansans, or Arkansawyers, or whatever the hell else they call themselves now, because they are part of the fabric that makes these United States of America great.

And seriously?  What would we do if we didn’t have Arkansas as part of our union, and our brotherhood, and our kinship?

Hmmmmm…Ha…We’d skip Wal*Mart and buy factory direct from China.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Thanks for your time ladies and gentlemen and remember there are only three things in life that matter…

Trying the veal, tipping your waitress, and passing draconian Right-to-Work legislation.

Peace Out,

Gov. John Kasich (R-OH)

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws

Do We Really Need Ohio?

Hola y’all! Like most of you out there I have been glued to the TV mesmerized by the saga going on in Cleveland. No, not the fact that Indians, Cavaliers and Browns will all continue to suck for the next decade, but the Ohio Kidnapping Case! *insert dramatic music here*

I just can’t stop watching the coverage of the story because it is the craziest kidnapping story I can ever remember. I would also like to take this time to invite Mr. Charles Ramsey onto IWS Radio sometime. He seems like a fun guy. While watching all of this, a few thoughts suddenly struck me. Like …

Is Ohio really necessary? Do we really need that state anymore? Could Ohio have outlived its usefulness for America?

Granted a few Ohioans have made very good contributions to America. People like Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Jesse Owens and Phyllis Diller come to mind immediately. Unfortunately, Ohio also produced Charles Manson and Charles Keating, so it all balances out, right? It really seems as though, unlike the rest of America, Ohio’s best days are behind it. Hell, After Ohio produced presidents, statesmen and captains of industry back in the day, things got pretty slow. Right now the only person of note Ohio has produced is THIS GUY …

 IKNOWRITE? Dark days for the Buckeye State, my friends. Speaking of Buckeyes … OMG! We could totally live without THE Ohio State University and their obnoxious, delusional fans. You can’t tell me that America doesn’t become instantly better by getting rid of tOSU.

Did you know that Ohio actually went to war with Michigan once over TOLEDO? Seriously! They went to war to KEEP Toledo. That’s how whack Ohio is. I just don’t think American needs that kind of silliness anymore.

My proposal is that we give Ohio to Canada. Think about it! We just gift Canada the entire state of Ohio as a gesture of goodwill and to further solidify the two country’s friendship. Canada gets both Cincinnati AND Cleveland. Both of those ghettos cities are way better than anything they have. Even though you have to give current (legal) Ohio residents the option of staying in America by moving to say, Morgantown, WV, Canada will still easily double its population, right? I mean, I haven’t run the numbers, but that seems right. AAAAAAND, Canada probably increases its number of black people by about 2,000% along with picking up a few Amish folks to boot! Diversity is a big deal to them.

Canada also adds TWO NFL teams, TWO MLB teams and an NBA team. You know they’ve been looking for a way to do that forever. They also get some farmland that isn’t frozen solid ten months out of the year. Most importantly Canada gets possession of the house that was used in “A Christmas Story” AND the Leg Lamp!

No way Canada turns all this down.

American on the other hand gets to rid ourselves of Ohio and the problems that state keeps bringing us. No more will we have to spend four solid years listening to MSNBC’s Chuck Todd droning on and on and on about how Ohio is the “most important state in the electoral college” while ignoring the fact that Colorado, Nevada and Virginia are actually ahead of Ohio on the “tipping point states” list. That combined with eliminating John Kasich and John Boehner as political figures and getting rid of tOSU fans makes this the best deal we could ever make. Maybe even better than the Louisiana Purchase.

I know there will be people out there who think Canada should probably pay us for Ohio. Or maybe Canada should swap Vancouver or possibly Windsor for Ohio. I say absolutely not. Besides, people who want compensation for Ohio forget that Canada has already given us something we can’t put a price tag on …. Celine Dion!

Giving them Ohio as payment for Celine Dion is the least we can do.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS