Hola y’all! Like most of you out there I have been glued to
the TV mesmerized by the saga going on in Cleveland. No, not the fact that
Indians, Cavaliers and Browns will all continue to suck for the next decade,
but the Ohio Kidnapping Case! *insert dramatic music here*
I just can’t stop watching the coverage of the story because
it is the craziest kidnapping story I can ever remember. I would also like to
take this time to invite Mr. Charles Ramsey onto IWS Radio sometime. He seems
like a fun guy. While watching all of this, a few thoughts suddenly struck me. Like
…
Is Ohio really necessary? Do we really need that state
anymore? Could Ohio have outlived its usefulness for America?
Granted a few Ohioans have made very good contributions to
America. People like Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Jesse Owens and Phyllis Diller
come to mind immediately. Unfortunately, Ohio also produced Charles Manson and
Charles Keating, so it all balances out, right? It really seems as though,
unlike the rest of America, Ohio’s best days are behind it. Hell, After Ohio
produced presidents, statesmen and captains of industry back in the day, things
got pretty slow. Right now the only person of note Ohio has produced is THIS
GUY …
Did you know that Ohio actually went to war with Michigan
once over TOLEDO? Seriously! They went to war to KEEP Toledo. That’s how whack
Ohio is. I just don’t think American needs that kind of silliness anymore.
My proposal is that we give Ohio to Canada. Think about it!
We just gift Canada the entire state of Ohio as a gesture of goodwill and to
further solidify the two country’s friendship. Canada gets both Cincinnati AND
Cleveland. Both of those ghettos cities are way better than anything they have.
Even though you have to give current (legal) Ohio residents the option of
staying in America by moving to say, Morgantown, WV, Canada will still easily
double its population, right? I mean, I haven’t run the numbers, but that seems
right. AAAAAAND, Canada probably increases its number of black people by about
2,000% along with picking up a few Amish folks to boot! Diversity is a big deal
to them.
Canada also adds TWO NFL teams, TWO MLB teams and an NBA
team. You know they’ve been looking for a way to do that forever. They also get
some farmland that isn’t frozen solid ten months out of the year. Most
importantly Canada gets possession of the house that was used in “A Christmas
Story” AND the Leg Lamp!
No way Canada turns all this down.
American on the other hand gets to rid ourselves of Ohio and
the problems that state keeps bringing us. No more will we have to spend four
solid years listening to MSNBC’s Chuck Todd droning on and on and on about how
Ohio is the “most important state in the electoral college” while ignoring the
fact that Colorado, Nevada and Virginia are actually ahead of Ohio on the “tipping
point states” list. That combined with eliminating John Kasich and John Boehner
as political figures and getting rid of tOSU fans makes this the best deal we
could ever make. Maybe even better than the Louisiana Purchase.
I know there will be people out there who think Canada
should probably pay us for Ohio. Or maybe Canada should swap Vancouver or possibly
Windsor for Ohio. I say absolutely not. Besides, people who want compensation
for Ohio forget that Canada has already given us something we can’t put a price
tag on …. Celine Dion!
Giving them Ohio as payment for Celine Dion is the least we
can do.
