Bobby Petrino: Coaching Mercenary

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! It’s yet another cold snowy, sleety, shitty night here in Rendneckville, but apparently is a warm and exciting in Louisville, Kentucky! Former UofL, and Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino is returning to where his legendary coaching career really took off and will once again be the head football coach of the Cardinals. Those folks at Louisville are good, decent and forgiving people. Well, either that or they’re like a battered wife who keeps taking her abusive husband back. I’m not totally sure.

Let’s take a look at Petrino’s qualifications for the job …

- While head coach of the Louisville Cardinals he racked up a 41-9 record, led them to four bowl games including a BCS bowl!

- While head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks he cleaned up the mess left by Houston Nutt and was 21-5 in his last two seasons including a win in the Cotton Bowl and an appearance in the Sugar Bowl.

- In his one season at Western Kentucky he led the Hilltoppers to a respectable 10-2 record.

Wow! That is impressive! If you also include his years as offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach at various big time colleges and NFL teams you can see that Louisville got themselves one hell of a coach. But, what ELSE is on his resume?

- After his second season as offensive coordinator for Jacksonville, Petrino “disappeared” a day or so after the season ended. Nobody knew where he was or what he was doing. The next day they all found out he had taken the offensive coordinator position at the University of Auburn without telling anyone.

- In 2003 when Petrino was the first year head coach at Louisville he secretly met with officials from Auburn University. They discussed their plans to oust AU head coach Tommy Tuberville and bring him in as the head coach. The meeting was found out and the coup fell apart and Petrino had to go on the apology circuit.

- In 2004 Petrino secretly met with people from Florida, Mississippi and Notre Dame about their open coaching positions. None of the jobs panned out and he assured everyone he didn’t want to be anywhere but Louisville so they have him a new five year contract. Five days later he secretly met with LSU about their coaching job which eventually went to Les Miles.

- In the summer of 2006 Petrino signed a 10 year $25 million dollar contract with Louisville. In January of ’08, just six days after the Orange Bowl, he left Louisville for the Atlanta Falcons.

- With three games left in a miserable first season in Atlanta, Petrino informed owner Arthur Blank that he was resigning and said goodbye to the other coaches. He then got on a plane and flew to Fayetteville, Arkansas where he was introduced as the new head coach of the Razorbacks.

- On April 1 2012, Petrino was in a serious motorcycle accident. After insisting for several days that he was alone in the accident, he finally admitted that he had a rider on his bike. The rider was 25 year old Jessica Dorrell, who he admitted to having an “inappropriate relationship” with. A few days later we all found out that Jessica had also recently been hired into a position within the UofA’s athletic department which answered directly to Petrino. We also found out that she had no qualifications for this position and all other candidates who were passed over were all very qualified.  Oh, and Petrino had also giving Dorrell, who was engaged, a $20,000 “gift.” So, the UofA fired understandably fired him.

Woo-Weeeee! What a hell of a guy you’ve got Louisville! You must be so proud. Well, I’m sure Rick Pitino is happy now that he’s the SECOND sleaziest coach at that school. I’m sure you guys are all reassuring each other with statements like “Bobby knows he can’t screw up again” or “Bobby knows he has to straighten up and fly right” and other bullshit. Just admit that you put winning above all else and enjoy all the wins Petrino will bring you. Even though I know you will, please try not to act surprised when he fucks you guys over a second time. That’s what happens in these abusive relationships.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Delusional Hogs Fan Ready to Win it All

Howdy and WOOOOOOOO PIG SOOOOOOOOOOOOIE y’all! This is Stewie Stevens better known to most as “WooPigStewie!” in the online world and I’m here today to tell you all about how MY Arkansas Razorbacks are on their way to the BCS Champeeenship! WOOOOOOO!!!! GO HOGS GO!!!!

If you just happened to watch the Hogs dismantle Louisiana-Lafayette over the weekend you saw the beginning of something special. A National Champion was born right before our eyes! Arkansas took the field and not only looked nothing like that dismal team they fielded last year, but look like a team of DESTINY!!

I know you’re saying “But it was just ULL dude.” Yeah, but ULL is BY FAR the best second tier team in America. They’ll go undefeated from here on out and could probably beat every team in the ACC, Big 10, Big 12 and Pac 12. Their QB is gonna be an NFL star someday. And ULL’s coach, Mark Hudspeth is the only coach in all of America who is even close to Bret Bielema’s level.

Anyway, let’s just break things down factually, shall we?

- Arkansas has the best offensive line in all of America. Hell, some NFL teams aren’t as good up front as we are. Those guys are HUGE and athletic and every last one of them is a real student of the game. They study film and work on their technique day and night. I’ve never seen a more dedicated, hard-working and competitive group of young men in my life.

- Jonathan Williams is the best running back in all of college football. There is simply no argument. He’s has the most amazing combination of speed and power I’ve seen since …. Earl Campbell. IKNOW, IKNOW, IKNOW! But, he really is THAT good.  The only RB who might be as good as him is …

- Alex Collins is the best freshman running back I’ve ever seen in my life. Even better than Adrian Peterson. Not only does this guy have that “extra gear” that all great backs have, he has best vision of any running back around. He reminds me of …. Barry Sanders. IKNOW, IKNOW, IKNOW! But, I’m telling ya, he sees everything out there and can make defenders think they saw a ghost. The only guy in the country who could stop either Williams or Collins from winning multiple Heisman’s is ….

- QB Brandon Allen! One week in and I’m pretty sure Allen is the best QB to ever play at Arkansas. Forget Joe Ferguson, Ron Calcagni, Ryan Mallett and Tyler Wilson! BA is better than all of them combined. I think he reminds me most of …. Joe Montana. IKNOW, IKNOW, IKNOW but, darn it! BA is just like Joe in that you don’t think he has that strong of an arm until he fires one into a small window in traffic or drops one in the receiver’s bread basket 62 yards downfield. Of course, he’s probably more mobile than Joe was and has a bit more football intelligence than Joe had.

As you can see we are just loaded. All this amazing talent and Bielema’s coaching can only mean a BCS championship. Looking at our schedule I admit we might struggle with Bama or South Carolina or Florida or possibly LSU, but we’re definitely better than all of them. If we weren’t playing Bama, Florida and LSU on the road I’m sure we would stomp ‘em!

So, WOOOOOOOOOOOO PIG SOOOOOOOOOOOOOIE!!! We gonna win it all!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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In other news Season Four of IWS Radio kicked off yesterday and it was a BLAST! We talked about all the great options there are for dealing with Syria, Twitter’s reaction to Miley, heard from Slyder, Guy, Moneymaker, Rocky, Kirk and Paul Piatt  AAAAAAAAAANNNDDDD ….

We talked to TESS from Topless Equality! She was awesome and did a great job telling us all about her group and their movement to try and get states and cities to pass laws to allow women to be topless in public places just like men. And you know what? She was pretty convincing too! Check it out …

More Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Gov. John Kasich Says, "Arkansas Sucks!!"

My fellow Americans, and especially my fellow Ohioans…

I come to you today on the webpage of IWS Radio in order to set the record straight about the Great State of Ohio after she and her citizenry came under a vile and vicious verbal attack yesterday by the Arkansas half of the IWS Radio tandem, Jayman.

Hi.  John Kasich, Governor of the Great State of Ohio here, but today you can call me…

Johnny Buckeye, the Stand-Up Comedian and today I am executive ordering a little rebuttal type ribbing toward those inbreds my friends down in Arkansas.

Now Jayman wants to get rid of Ohio by giving it to Canada.  He was nice enough to say that Ohioans who wanted remain part of the U.S., could move to Morgantown, WV.  I thought to myself…Why did he pick Morgantown, WV.?  And then it hit me!!

Morgantown is home to the University of West Virginia which just like Fayetteville, AR., houses one of the crappiest of college football programs in the country.  Jayman was simply going with what he is familiar with. O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

In Columbus?  We have THE Ohio State Buckeyes, a football program that knows how to win!!

Jayman went on by spitting his venom upon the grand and historic Ohio cities of Cleveland and Cincinnati.  He referred to them as ghettos.  Ghettos?  Hell if you want a ghetto move to Arkansas and live halfway between the towns of Pea City and Gassville.  Talk about a filthy stench hole!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also notice that in Arkansas, they have cities named Stuttgart and Hamburg.  Hmmmmm?  Maybe we should have bombed the Arkansas cities of Stuttgart and Hamburg instead of the ones in Germany during WWII.  O-Hiiiiii-Oh!!

And Jayman lives in Harrison, a city that boasts a population of 12,943.  Ha.  Really?  That’s fewer people than I make in dollars in contributions during nine holes of golf.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Hey!!  What do you call a person in Arkansas that speaks perfect English, has perfect manners, and is married to someone to whom they are not related?  A tourist!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

On a serious note, however…Y’know?  Jayman’s post yesterday began around the tragic and terrifying kidnapping and ten year imprisonment and enslavement of Amanda Berry and the other two young girls.

Those young girls were forced to be chained against their will, have sex against their will, and sadly in at least one instance, become impregnated against their will by Ariel Castro.  And, as the Governor and Chief Comforter of Ohio, I have to say…

Here in Ohio, we call that a crime beyond all crimes.  In Arkansas?

They call that, one helluva rollicking good Family Reunion!!  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

I also find it funny that Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush 41, and Bush 43 retired to their home states after their Presidencies.  Bill Clinton?  Nope, he moved to New York all the while saying…

“Arkansas is a good place to be FROM!!”  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

But, as I keep this all good-natured, I have to say that I respect Arkansans, or Arkansawyers, or whatever the hell else they call themselves now, because they are part of the fabric that makes these United States of America great.

And seriously?  What would we do if we didn’t have Arkansas as part of our union, and our brotherhood, and our kinship?

Hmmmmm…Ha…We’d skip Wal*Mart and buy factory direct from China.  O-Hiiiiii-O!!

Thanks for your time ladies and gentlemen and remember there are only three things in life that matter…

Trying the veal, tipping your waitress, and passing draconian Right-to-Work legislation.

Peace Out,

Gov. John Kasich (R-OH)

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Jayman is Ready to Lead the Hogs to Victory!

Hola y’all! As you may or may not know, the University of Arkansas is in the process of hiring a new head football coach. I don’t know what was so bad about the one they had, but I guess they felt the need to get a new one. Oh wait. I do know what was so bad about him. Never mind on that. Anyway, I thought I would use this wildly popular blog as a way of publicly applying for the job. I have many great qualities that I think the UofA should be looking for.

- I can spell both “Arkansas” and “Razorbacks” without any assistance.

- I can find Fayetteville, AR on a map as well as at least 12 of the other 13 teams in the SEC. I’ve never made any attempt to find out where Auburn is, so I would have to look that school up.

- I have a southern accent so I will fit in.

- I LOVE fried chicken and potato salad so I’ll have no problem going all the football banquets all over the state.

- As a world famous internet radio star, I have excellent communication skills and would have no trouble dealing with the brutal Arkansas media.

- I have the most sincere and undeniable dislike of the University of Alabama of any candidate for the job.

- I can be trusted not to embarrass the school by hitting on Erin Andrews publicly.

- I totally understand the whole four downs and 10 yards to get a first down stuff.

- I get the concept that credit cards are for school expenses and cash is for strippers and players.

- I would give much better advice on a color scheme for the new uniforms than the previous coach did.

- I’ll take exactly half of what the new coach is asking for. Half the pay, half the housing allowance, half the car allowance, half the bonuses, etc. (This excludes the health insurance benefits. I would have to demand 100% of that one. I’m sure you understand.)

- You won’t have to worry about me having an affair with some chick that works for the school or the Razorback Foundation as I’ll be too busy dating strippers.

- I can use my skills as the aforementioned international radio star to promote the UofA and all the players student athletes and get the UofA lots and lots of publicity.

- I have plenty of red shirts already so you won’t have to spend too much on my clothing allowance. But, I would like a really sweet pair of red and white checkered polyester pants like Lou Holts used to wear by in the 70’s.

- I’ve got all the football coaching clichés like “give it 110% at all times” and “we’re scrappy” and “we’re tough to beat” and “that guy is a threat to take it all the way on any play” and “we’ve got some good match ups we can take advantage of out there” and all the others down pat. The media will always get a good quote from me.

- Unlike everyone else I love that big, silly blow up hog head that the players come running out of before home games, so you don’t have to worry about my getting rid of that since it seems like the UofA’s top brass is totally committed to keeping it anyway.

- I can use my internet savvy and social media experience to knock down and/or start rumors on message boards as needed.

- If, after three years and several millions of dollars in salary paid, things aren’t working out, I will graciously and quietly accept a reasonable buyout and step aside for someone else. I think the guarantee of no lawsuits (assuming a fair buyout) is something that should take a lot of pressure off school officials and be my top selling point.

So, as everyone can see I am very clearly a legitimate candidate for this position. I can’t imagine why the UofA would pass an opportunity like this up. I will keep my phone close to me as I await Vice Chancellor and Director of Athletics Jeff Long’s phone call.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS