Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Brutus Buckeye Says: Ohio State Football Fans Suck !!

OH-IO and Go Bucks to all my Buckeye Nation friends. Brutus Buckeye here for I’m With Stupid.

Much like you Buckeye Nation, as THE adorable face of THE Ohio State University football program, I am not thrilled with the team’s 3-3 start, but well, by golly, there’s something I need to get off of my waxy, tannin-colored chest, and say unto you, the Ohio State Football fans…

YOU are driving me freakin’ crazy to the point where my nut is about to explode!! Could you please stop with the whining, the wailing, and even more so, the gnashing of teeth? Oh Dear God, the gnashing!!  Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it's noisy.

You’re diving me human!!

What the hell is wrong with you people? Have you so little in your personal and professional lives that you must live vicariously through a college football team?

That was a silly question…of course you must. As head nut for this university, I have seen them all.

Men who feel worthless if OSU isn’t on top every week. Men who in fact tie their very manhood to the Buckeyes.

It’s as if for some Buckeye Nation men, that the length of their manhood in inches, is in direct proportion to the number of victories Ohio State registers in a season.

And right now? 

There are a bunch of scarlet and gray clad men roaming the streets of Columbus and elsewhere in Ohio, with three inch dorks…and feelings of inadequacy.

It’s okay guys. Brutus Buckeye understands, but seriously? 

It’s time to move on…time to grow up…time for you to recognize that THE Ohio State University is just another football program, not THE football program.

You need to realize that OSU will not be great every year, because well, look at the kids we recruit to play here. I know, you think that each and every Buckeye football player is among the elite, but truthfully?

Our football team is made up of players who were too slow to get recruited by an SEC school, and too stupid to get accepted to an Ivy League school. And really...

We should be thankful that we don’t let athletes like that fall through the cracks…In fact, we could rename the team, THE Ohio State Safety Net.

See? We’re not Notre Dame, Boston College, or TCU, yet we are doing God’s work, but as we are a public university, don’t let the ACLU know. Anyhoo…

You guys toiling through this delusion that OSU is the end all and be all of football have to admit…We’ve had some real losers grace the gridiron grass of the ‘Shoe.

Art Schlichter, Andy Katzenmoyer, Maurice Clarett, Terrelle Pryor…Jim Tressel. And hell, look at our suspended “superstar” wideout, DeVier Posey!!

Holy Cow, he was suspended for being overpaid for work he didn’t do, and then super-secret suspended because he kept on doing it during the initial investigation. 

It’s nearly inexplicable, however, it does explain my previous postulate that Buckeye players are too stupid for an Ivy League school, anyway…

While Posey does have some WR skills, the dude has always had hands like a clock, and his time has run out, as it has on THE Ohio State University.

Buckeye Nation, listen to Brutus…

I know that you never got to play football yourselves. I know you think that you know the intricacies of coaching football, and don’t. I know that many of you say “we” when you speak of the OSU football team even though you never even attended the university, let alone played.

I know that you live or die on the success of the program because your personal and professional lives suck. I get all that, but c’mon…

Together, we can get through this rough patch in our otherwise sad, sad lives and move on.

After all, looking at the rest of the schedule, IF we can beat Illinois this weekend, we have a good shot at going 7-5, and really…

Is walking around the streets of Columbus, Ohio with a seven inch wanker, all that bad?

Keep the faith…but not too much,

Brutus Buckeye

P.S. As I am but a jolly and endearing mascot, please direct all hate mail to Matt-Man @:

http://twitter.com/#!/MattManIWS

7 comments:

I'm With Stupid said...

I'm glad you could be there comfort the sad and depressed Buckeye fans. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if your little pep talk here doesn't do down in tOSU lore right along with Archie Griffin.

Jay

I'm With Stupid said...

Jayman...While not an Ohio State fan myself, I felt as a denizen of this wondrous state, I should help to heal the wounds. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

jack mehoff said...

having gradumatated from the school whose luck was in high gear this past sat, i must say with the utmost confidence that had your qb not gotten hurt my beloved scarlet & creme would not have been victorious. we are the newbies to the big 10, we are the whipping boy, we are the hated i am sure amongst a tradition and history rich frenzy of schools who were fine without adding the big red to their list.

be that as it may, i for one am excited for the new rivals, tired of the old ones (choke and die big 12) and humble to be in likes of the legends and leaders of this conference

personally i cant wait to play our neighbors to the east - i think that is a rivalry that will put that of NU vs OU to shame

best of luck to the entire big10

Mike said...

They need to get another coach that can tackle.

I'm With Stupid said...

Jack: That was put so warmly and poetically. My take? I loathe the Big 10...Slow, stupid, and second rate is no way for a conference to go through life. Cheers!!

Mike: Ha...You're killin' me. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

jack mehoff said...

slow stupid and second rate...well hell then we fit right in!

theres just something about being in a conference where we (potentially) could play michigan, ohio st, penn st, wisc & iowa - among the others. you guys have tradition - we had pissing matches over who got the most tv time and who brought in the most money. thats all it was becoming - it was/is texas' conference just because the rednecks cant pool all of their talent into a couple schools they have to have a bakers dozen. ive digressed.

you are always your own worst critic

I'm With Stupid said...

Jack: Ha I understand that, and know what you are saying. The Big Ten IS "traditional" college football, and in that sense fun stuff, and Nebraska already got to experience the mayhem and good times of playing Wisconsin at night at Camp Randall. Doesn't get better than that. They are fun-nutty up there. Cheers Jack!!

Matt-Man