Hola y’all! Mitt Romney here! I’m fresh off my spectacular
victory in the Florida primary last night. I racked up 47% of the vote which is
an amazing coincidence because not only have I changed my stance on 47% of the
issues we’ve discussed so far, but if you use “Mitt Math” I paid 47% of my
income in taxes last year. Only a truly great American such as myself would pay
that much.
I just wanted to let everyone know where we go from here.
And, I’ll do it while reading from notes printed out by a member of my staff
like a real American would not off a teleprompter like an America-hating
Christian-bashing loser would. And, I’ll do it while staying positive and not
engaging in any name calling like secret Muslims who wants to destroy
everything great about America would.
Don’t worry, I’ll keep this short. I’ve got my dog tied up
to a fence outside with a six inch leash and it’s raining heavily. But, he can
take it. And, speaking of how much I love my dog and other animals, I want to
address some scurrilous things that have been said about me lately.
Chief among these is that somehow, I’m being presented as
someone who looks down on people who haven’t worked hard like I have to make
myself into something from nothing and are much less successful than me. Worst
of all, these people are claiming that I hate poor people! Now this really
hurts. I don’t hate poor people. Everyone who works for me is poor. And, I love
all of them dearly.
If you look at my record in that state I was governor of
that I won’t actually name because it’s a very liberal state that follows very
liberal policies and has low unemployment, almost universal healthcare and best
in the nation schools. I’m opposed to ALL of the policies that resulted in all
those good numbers, even if they were mine. But, I do want to point out that as
governor I passed a plan that resulted in poor people having access to
healthcare.
A plan that was so damn good, that President Obama used it
as the model for ObamaCare. And, as president, I’ll repeal that bill. After
repeal people with preexisting conditions will immediately be tossed off their
insurance plans and all those poor people who were about to have access to
insurance no longer will. Trust me these people will be so much happier this
way. Honestly, it’s a matter of pride for most of them.
Folks, I keep saying that this is a battle for the Soul of
America. I know it’s a strange thing for someone with no soul to say, but I
really do believe it. I just honestly think we can do so much better. We can
return America to greatness! We can make our military great again! We can slash
taxes on everybody except working people! We can cut all this ridiculous
spending on lazy-ass people who are just living off government handouts! And by
cutting taxes dramatically, especially on rich people, and raising defense
spending big time, we will of course, balance the budget.
And what’s really great about it folks, is that it will be
painless. We can do it all without one bit of sacrifice on your part. All you
have to do is just kick back and let the greatness happen. How awesome is that?
Obama promises nothing but pain and sacrifice. He thinks Americans should do
silly things like “work together” and “take care of each other” and other
bullpoop ideas. Well, I’m here to tell ya folks, it just doesn’t have to be that
way.
Won’t it be wonderful when I, Mitt Romney, am president and
you no longer have any responsibilities? Won’t it be wonderful when nothing is
expected of you? Yes it will.
Austerity is just another word for paradise.
