South Carolina and Republicans Let Their Freak Flags Fly

Hola South Carolina! Look at you!! You’re all grown up and sexy as hell! I remember when you were such a prude too. You were completely disgusted with ANYTHING of a sexual nature AT ALL. Remember that? Remember when you were all “Family Values is the number one issue!” and “We are all values voters” and all that that shit?

And, now you’re voting big time for Newt Freaking Gingrich. That would be the Newt of the multiple marriages, multiple adulterous affairs and an attempt to get one of his ex-wives to agree to an open marriage. And the Newt who had to resign the Speakership because of multiple ethics investigations and the fact that it was obvious he was about to take the Republican Party over a cliff with him.

I know, I know, this was about standing up to the establishment and not letting them force Willard “Fraudy McFakerson” Romney on you guys. Sure thing guys. What better way to stick it to the establishment than to vote for the former Speaker of the House and Washington lobbyist Newt Gingrich AKA: “Mr. Outsider?”

Hey, I’m not complaining at all. I really love the new “Sassy” South Carolina look. I like the short dresses, the plunging necklines, the heavy drinking and smoking and even the jeans so tight on the guys they create that sexy bulge. I mean sure, it’s going to take some getting used to, but I agree that this new look is going to be great for you.

But, there are a couple things I need to ask you about. Now that a candidate for president’s moral character, past transgressions and down-right bizarre behavior no longer matter, should we go back and fix a few things? Maybe go back and give a few people a retroactive pass for their mistakes? I mean, it’s only fair right?

Let’s start by asking Mark Sanford if he’d like to be shadow governor of South Carolina. And, make sure he understands that he can go visit his muy caliente Argentinian girlfriend anytime he wants. He kind of did get run out of office and forced not to run for reelection after that whole thing. And, since those kinds of actions no longer matter, let’s make it up to him.

Oh and Eliot Spitzer is free to head up to Albany, NY and hang out with Gov. Cuomo up there. He can kind of be like the “Co-Governor” or something like that. No real power, but a nice title and his once very promising political career should be completely restored. And, when he runs for President in 2016 or 2020, there will be no mentions of his dalliances with prostitutes, right South Carolina? Remember, moral character no longer matters.

You know what. I just thought of something. You guys aren’t going to just suddenly up and go back to that whole “value voters” shit as soon as Newt is finished off either in the GOP primaries or in the general election are you? If you think about it, that would be a really dirty thing to do. Way beneath you guys. What’s that? You’re not? You promise? Oaky then, that’s great!  

Oh BTW, South Carolina and other republicans now supporting Newt Gringrich. Now that you’ve decided not to worry with morality anymore, you’ll have to go ahead and drop all opposition to Gay Marriage. HEY! I don’t make the rules, but there’s really no other choice. I know that’s gonna be a tough one to swallow, but it’s only fair.

Anyway, once again, love the new look South Carolina!

Jayman
Email: Jayman3768@gmail.com
Twitter: @Jayman_IWS

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In other news, on Saturday’s I’m With Stupid podcast, Matt-Man and Jayman laid out a very thoughtful, well thought out argument as to Why Women Suck. In fact, we made such a compelling argument, that even our hecklers on Twitter finally had to concede we were right. Well, not publicly or anything like that. No woman would ever admit to being wrong publicly.

Also remember that we will be on again doing some Show Prep and other stuff on Wednesday at 11 AM ET and then next Saturday we’ll be back again at 11 PM ET to talk about Why Men Suck cause we’re fair like that.

Anyway, please listen to our “Why Women Suck” episode and let’s see if we can’t drive this show right to the top of BTR’s ratings! And as always, thank you so much for your continued support. We love each and every one of you. 

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