Spring Horoscopes 2014

Hi and welcome to the verdant and vernal time of Spring 2014.  Andromeda Neptune
here, and I am the new astrologer to the stars and everyday people as well, for IWS Radio...Shall we begin our vernal celestial journey?  We shall...

Aries March 21-April 19...Your incredibly impressive set of tits will be auctioned off for 23 million dollars, but sadly,  will be returned post haste with a demand of a 10% surcharge for being phony and over fondled.

Taurus April 20-May 20...The 200 year old quill pen that you are so proud of, writes your own death certificate when the 200 year old eagle from which the pen feather was garnered, finds you alone, cooking brats on the grill.

Gemini May 21-June 20...Being the astrological sign of the twins, you shouldn’t be surprised that during the Spring of 2014, you will be doubly fucked.

Cancer June21-July 22...You find out far too late that eating Silly Putty is not a good way to make a cartoonish imprint of your digestive system. (Ed. Note:  Good job appealing to the 50 year old demographic, Matt-Man.)

Leo  July 23-August 22...Teaching Korean kids to tap dance is a worthy endeavor, but holding classes in the mine-laden demilitarized zone leads only to an international incident.

Virgo August 23-September 22...You finally achieve your dream of getting Boxcar Willie’s autograph when you meet him at a Waffle House in Memphis, and he uses his dirty, sweaty finger to sign your greasy napkin.

Libra September 23-October 22...The stars are aligned and are begging you to make a killing in the stock market, but…you ignore them, you stupid motherfucker.

Scorpio October 23-November 21...Ironically, upon retiring after 30 years of working at an artificial Christmas tree factory, you are outraged to discover that God does not exist, and your company’s Social Security payments have never been made.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21...Perhaps if you would quit selling those, “I Died on Malaysia Air Flight MH370 And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt”, T-Shirts in downtown Kuala Lumpur, people would quit beating the shit out of you.

Capricorn December 22-January 19...March Madness is a NCAA College basketball tournament, not sixteen days full of goose-stepping to the Flight of the Valkyries in hopes of winning Sudetenland.  Calm down you tip-toeing skinhead, you.

Aquarius January 20-Februrary 18...It’s unfortunate that when you go to the bank and try to get change for a hundred, that the hundred dollar bill has written on it, “Give me all of your money or I will kill you.”

Pisces  February 19-March 20...You meet the most beautiful mermaid in the world; she accepts your date, and oddly, you take her to a seafood restaurant.  Really?  Date over.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Making Things and Spring Happen

Not only did we all Spring Forward, well everyone except some weirdoes in Indiana and Arizona, but IWS Radio brought the funny this week as we Forced Spring to start a little early. And I think it worked too because there wasn’t any of the winter doldrums on this week’s IWS Radio. It was non-stop fun and excitement.

Well, there were some less that positive moments, but those weren’t because of any freezing weather, ice storms or gray gloomy skies. Jay did have to discuss the ordeal that has been attempting to get his laptop fixed. Oh it’s gonna get fixed, but it’s gonna cost THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS to do it.

We had a new sponsor this week too. The Black Sea Cruises offers some great deals on an amazing vacation in one of the most underrated vacation spots in the world. I don’t know about you guys, but I think vacationing on a cruise ship in the Black Sea near the Crimean coast sounds like a great idea!

There has been a bit of infighting at IWS lately and some of it has spilled over into the show. Last week we had Paul Piatt selling out and Kirk Douglas took a couple of cheap shots at Guy Ahnerdyck and Bobby Kraft. Well, Bobby and Guy both responded this week in their own special ways.

Speaking of which, shout out to Guy Ahnurdyck for winning a Dutchie! The first IWS correspondent to win a major award! Congrats Guy!!

After a couple of passive-aggressive swipes at Kirk, Bobby gave everyone some great advice on preparing for Tornado Season. Make sure you have a pen and paper handy cause you’ll want to take notes!

Once again Aunt Jackie rocked the house! This week she covered Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys are Back in Town!” It was awesome! Thanks Jaxxx!!

Martin was along to provide us with a great springtime meditation. We were all so relaxed I wasn’t sure we would be able to finish the show!

Stubby Stonehenge showed off his literary flexibility by sitting in for Paul Piatt in the Poet’s Corner this week. He was really great. I bet you’ll be surprised.

And sweet, lovable, adorable Schmoop stopped by to entertain us with her own brand of happy spring thoughts about Matt’s new “get to spend more time at home” schedule.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand soooooo much more! We rocked and rolled through the whole show once again this week. I don’t know what has gotten into us, but IWS Radio is on a real roll lately. Definitely check it out!

Check Out Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week: Oscar Pistorius, Bladerunner

Happy first day of Daylight Saving Time 2014 to you all, and speaking of time...

This week's IWS Person of the Week is a man who has put up World Record times on the Paralympic running track and probably wishes today that he was fast enough to turn back the hands of time as well.

The man who is faster than a speeding bullet; the man with looks that are to die for, South Africa's very own, Oscar Pistorius...

Oscar Pistorius made headlines around the world back in 2012 while participating in the London Olympics and Paralympics.  After garnering medals and shattering records, Oscar became known as the Bladerunner, or as we here at IWS more artfully monikered him, The Legless Usain Bolt...

Fame, fortune, and glory followed Oscar Pistorius as did his hot girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.  The two appeared to be headed to receive a gold medal atop the podium of love...

But, less than a year after his triumphs in London, tragedy befell the couple when on Valentine's Day night in 2013, Oscar allegedly mistook Ms. Steenkamp for a dastardly home invader and with the marksmanship of an Olympic biathalete, gunned her down.  And now his fate rests upon the courts...

It has been said of Oscar that the boy has anger issues, well?  We here at IWS Radio think that a person who has no legs, has the right to be angry.  So here's to Oscar Pistorius the IWS Person of the Week.  He's a gold medal winner in our hearts no matter what the verdict may be...

Congrats to Oscar Pistorius, the man who literally has a spring in his step, and speaking of Spring...

Join Jay and Matt and the IWS Radio gang on Blog Talk Radio LIVE from Noon-2 PM EDT as the IWS crew kicks Old Man Winter in the balls and jump starts Spring 2014.

So remember to spring ahead one hour and join us LIVE today and get your Spring on.  It's gonna be flora and fauna of funny.  To listen LIVE, click...

HERE!! 

Matt Said, Jay Said 661.244.9852 Spring Edition

Matt LOL’s, Jay ROFL’s, You LYFAO

Matt: Hiya!
Jay: Save it for the show!
Matt: Save what?
Jay: I know you had something funny to say.
Matt: No I didn’t.
Jay: You’re not funny anymore?
Matt: Of course I am.
Jay: So you had something funny to say.
Matt: Well I don’t have to be funny 24/7!
Jay: I guess.
Matt: Anyway … I forgot what I was going to say now.
Jay: It probably wasn’t funny anyway.
Schmoop: BAM!

Matt: Schmoop is in the kitchen.
Jay: Where she belongs!
Matt: Damn right!
Jay: What’s she doing in there?
Matt: Making tuna salad.
Jay: I did that last weekend.
Matt: I know you inspired me.
Jay: I’m very inspirational.
Matt: Yes you are.
Jay: HEY! Put Schmoop on.
Matt: She’s pretty busy. Why?
Jay: I gotta ask her something.
Matt: What is it, I’ll ask her.
Jay: It’s better if I ask her myself.
Matt: Now I really need to know what it is.
Jay: I need to ask her how her tuna tastes.
Matt: No, no you don’t.
Jay: I really do.
Matt: You really don’t.
Jay: Ask her for me.
Matt: I’m not doing it.
Jay: Oh you’re pretending to be a grown up now?
Matt: Just this once.
Jay: Whatever.
Matt: Sorry to ruin your fun.
Jay: I bet it’s delicious.
Matt: God damn right it is!

Matt: I’m so done with winter.
Jay: You and me both.
Matt: I shoveled the parking lot Monday just because I was bored.
Jay: That’s sad.
Matt: IKR?
Jay: We need a way to force the weather to change to spring.
Matt: If anyone can will that to happen it’s us.
Jay: Well then why don’t we!
Matt: Let’s do it!
Jay: We’ll celebrate spring!
Matt: Right. We have to spring forward anyway.
Jay: Oh that’s right!
Matt: Of course, this will cause trouble for so many people.
Jay: It’s a very hard concept to understand.
Matt: I know, but I love it.
Jay: I hate it.
Matt: It’s not THAT hard to change the time in your car.
Jay: I know, but I never think about it until I’m already driving.
Matt: You’ll be okay!

Jay: Anyway, we’re springing spring on folks this week?
Matt: Let’s do it.
Jay: We’re couple of rays of sunshine anyway.
Matt: We bring light and warmth to the people.
Jay: That we do.
Matt: Also, Guy has a response to Kirk’s cheap shot last week.
Jay: Oh really? I can’t wait to hear it.
Matt: How Bobby Kraft?
Jay: I haven’t talked to him, but I’m sure he’s beside himself.
Matt: Plus we need another Schmoop update this week.
Jay: More sunshine to spread around!
Matt: You know it!
Jay: Maybe some meditation from Martin.
Matt: Possibly Stubby Stonehenge discussing allergy season.
Jay: And maybe Kirk with Tornado Season Preparedness!
Matt: Always necessary!
Jay: And who knows what else!
Matt: Could be all kinds of surprises.
Jay: I can’t wait!
Matt: Me either!

So be sure to tune into IWS Radio on Sunday at 12 Noon ET for “Force Feeding Spring” and celebrate winter’s demise with us!