Matt Said, Jay Said 661.244.9852 Spring Edition

Matt LOL’s, Jay ROFL’s, You LYFAO

Matt: Hiya!
Jay: Save it for the show!
Matt: Save what?
Jay: I know you had something funny to say.
Matt: No I didn’t.
Jay: You’re not funny anymore?
Matt: Of course I am.
Jay: So you had something funny to say.
Matt: Well I don’t have to be funny 24/7!
Jay: I guess.
Matt: Anyway … I forgot what I was going to say now.
Jay: It probably wasn’t funny anyway.
Schmoop: BAM!

Matt: Schmoop is in the kitchen.
Jay: Where she belongs!
Matt: Damn right!
Jay: What’s she doing in there?
Matt: Making tuna salad.
Jay: I did that last weekend.
Matt: I know you inspired me.
Jay: I’m very inspirational.
Matt: Yes you are.
Jay: HEY! Put Schmoop on.
Matt: She’s pretty busy. Why?
Jay: I gotta ask her something.
Matt: What is it, I’ll ask her.
Jay: It’s better if I ask her myself.
Matt: Now I really need to know what it is.
Jay: I need to ask her how her tuna tastes.
Matt: No, no you don’t.
Jay: I really do.
Matt: You really don’t.
Jay: Ask her for me.
Matt: I’m not doing it.
Jay: Oh you’re pretending to be a grown up now?
Matt: Just this once.
Jay: Whatever.
Matt: Sorry to ruin your fun.
Jay: I bet it’s delicious.
Matt: God damn right it is!

Matt: I’m so done with winter.
Jay: You and me both.
Matt: I shoveled the parking lot Monday just because I was bored.
Jay: That’s sad.
Matt: IKR?
Jay: We need a way to force the weather to change to spring.
Matt: If anyone can will that to happen it’s us.
Jay: Well then why don’t we!
Matt: Let’s do it!
Jay: We’ll celebrate spring!
Matt: Right. We have to spring forward anyway.
Jay: Oh that’s right!
Matt: Of course, this will cause trouble for so many people.
Jay: It’s a very hard concept to understand.
Matt: I know, but I love it.
Jay: I hate it.
Matt: It’s not THAT hard to change the time in your car.
Jay: I know, but I never think about it until I’m already driving.
Matt: You’ll be okay!

Jay: Anyway, we’re springing spring on folks this week?
Matt: Let’s do it.
Jay: We’re couple of rays of sunshine anyway.
Matt: We bring light and warmth to the people.
Jay: That we do.
Matt: Also, Guy has a response to Kirk’s cheap shot last week.
Jay: Oh really? I can’t wait to hear it.
Matt: How Bobby Kraft?
Jay: I haven’t talked to him, but I’m sure he’s beside himself.
Matt: Plus we need another Schmoop update this week.
Jay: More sunshine to spread around!
Matt: You know it!
Jay: Maybe some meditation from Martin.
Matt: Possibly Stubby Stonehenge discussing allergy season.
Jay: And maybe Kirk with Tornado Season Preparedness!
Matt: Always necessary!
Jay: And who knows what else!
Matt: Could be all kinds of surprises.
Jay: I can’t wait!
Matt: Me either!

So be sure to tune into IWS Radio on Sunday at 12 Noon ET for “Force Feeding Spring” and celebrate winter’s demise with us!

Jay's LEAST Favorite Words

Hola y’all! Okay, so we’ve had two days of frivolity as I talked about my favorite words on Monday, followed by Matt-Man doing the same on Tuesday. So, what should I do today? Talk about my LEAST favorite words, of course. Heh … I swear, we’re so damn brilliant sometimes it hurts.

Anyway, off the top of my head here are some of the words that I can’t stand or possibly give me the heebei-jeebees…

Foodie: No, getting the brown mustard on your Gourmet Smoked Ham Club at Jimmy John’s does NOT make you a foodie. Foodies eat things not available at fast food joints or food carts. Even though foodies tend to be a bit pretentious and hipster-like, I don’t really mind them, just the word.

Panties: The correct word is “skivvies.” Skivvies is a much more festive word than “panties.” If you say “I’d love to see her in her panties” I would assume you were talking about a girl. But, if you say “I’d love to see her in her skivvies” I would assume she is not only a woman, but a woman doing something fun and exciting.

Potty: Do you have to go wee-wee? Or make dookie? No? Then you don’t have to go “potty.” Just excuse yourself or say “I gotta take a leak” or “I gotta wiz” or jump up and yell “PEE BREAK!”

Squishy: Pretty much anything that is squishy will also be slimy. I’m not a fan of either. Also, if something is squishy it probably squeaks and makes other very annoying noises. If something is squishy (and therefore slimy) I will have to use food safe gloves to handle it.

Vomit: This word is just too descriptive. It’s allows me to visualize what you did and even recall what it might smell like from previous vomiting by other people. Let’s just stick with “I got sick and threw up” Thank you.

Guacamole: I can’t stand either the word or the slimy (and therefore squishy) green disgusting food-like substance.

Plethora: This word is just used too often by people who think they’re soooo fancy-pants for using it. Enough!

Bling: Again, enough with this word. People are using to describe rings they find at the bottom of a Cracker Jacks box. If you’re not a gangsta or a rapper you don’t have any bling. Sorry.

Chum: Really? A word that can describe a really good friend OR chopped up fish, blood and guts used to attract sharks? I don’t think. And, if your local Mafia boss ever calls you “chum” you better go into hiding.

Using “Sammy” for “Sandwich” or “Addy” for “Address” or “Pressies” for “Presents.” They all bug the shit outta me.

Prudent: I don’t like prudes. Or prunes, not that they are related to prudes, but the words are similar so I just thought I’d throw that in there. Anyway, “prudent” means do something a prude would do. Or at least it does to me. Screw that.

Literally: “OMG! That list was so funny I literally laughed my ass off!” … No, you didn’t.

Okay, there you go. Words I can’t stand. Now be sure to let me know that you consider yourself a foodie who wears panties and has to go potty a few times a day and that you are very, very offended.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Just Showing Up

Hola y’all! Comedic genius and loving stepfather Woody Allen once said “Eighty percent of success is just showing up.” I don’t know if he stole that line from someone else, simply made it up or read a legit study that got that number scientifically, but I tend to agree with it. So, when I saw this story about Maine Senator Susan Collins having never missed a single vote in the senate in her entire career I was impressed.

Since being sworn in back in January of 1997, Sen Collins has never missed a day of work. Sometime soon she will cast her 5,000th consecutive vote. Wow!

When I heard about Collins’ record, the first thing I wondered was if she has been getting a cool “Perfect Attendance” certificates and maybe a gift card to Walmart or something? I know that’s what corporate America loves to do. Man, companies just love people with perfect attendance. I know because I did the perfect attendance thing several times. I never received more praise for anything I ever did than I did for just freaking showing up every single day.

Hell, I’m not sure they cared what I did when I was there, they just wanted me there. It was like it just made them feel better to have me around. I guess it was my positive attitude and cheery disposition that they were addicted to. If I wasn’t there, the mood was probably dark and depressed.

There’s also a certain amount of scorn for having perfect attendance though. A lot of people were obviously jealous of my certificate (not framed) and Walmart gift card so they made fun of me for “not having a life.” I feel bad for such sad people, trying to drag me down to their level. Luckily though, another bonus to having perfect attendance was that we got our pictures taken with our certificate and gift card and those pics were put on the “Wall of Perfection” From that wall we could look down upon the lesser folks who can’t even be bothered to just show up every day.

Of course, for some people perfect attendance isn’t enough. I remember one supervisor I had who was giving me my 6 month review once who was pretty notorious for noting giving high scores. The review was pretty straight forward with several lines like “Works well with others” or “Keeps work area organized and clean” or whatever. On each of these he had to rate us from 1 (fire this moron immediately) to 10 (greatest employee ever). Anyway, despite my perfect attendance he gave me 9/10 in that category.

I didn’t really care that much because overall my review was very good, but I couldn’t resist asking him about that. He said “Well, you’re attendance has been really good” and I was like “Yeah, as in been here every single day.” He looked at his attendance charts and said “Hey, that’s really great, but I don’t give 10’s for anything.”

Anyway, the only thing Susan Collins gets for her perfect attendance is a pat on the back. That hardly seems fair. Well, she does get $174,000/year with an automatic COLA increase each year, some great health insurance benefits, lots of free trips all over the world either as part of an “official” government group (and lots of great getaways paid for by lobbyists) and that sweet pension. So, I guess it works out okay.

Anyway, my point is … Well, I don’t really have a point. But, I did show up today, just like Susan Collins. And, as Woody points out, showing up is what really matters.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

--

Speaking of showing up, former Food Network exec Carrie Welch showed up on IWS on Sunday and was freaking great! The show is getting great traffic and we’re getting lots of great feedback too. Thanks to everyone who listened. We really appreciate it.

If you haven’t listened, check it out. You need to know what Bobby Flay and Rachael Ray are like behind the scenes. You also need to know who Carrie had to institute a “No Fighting” rule for and you ESPECIALLY need to know what food Carrie refuses to eat cause you’ll never guess.

And then you need to hear about Feast Portland, Little Green Pickle and the Portland food scene. Yes, you do too!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

The Food Network Sucks

Hola foodies and cooks! Hey! Let me ask you guys a question. Is it just me, or does Food Network fucking suck? I swear FN used to be so damn cool, but now? I can barely stand to watch any of it. Yes, even Giada de Laurentiis. Hell, especially Giada. Like I fucking care about her precious over-privileged spoiled little snowflake’s love of chocolate and Russian caviar. Big fucking deal.

I really never thought I would come to this point in my life where I hated Food Network so much. Oh sure, I probably should have known it would happen. Especially after the way HGTV has disappointed me over the last few years. I know nothing ever stays the same, but why change it to something so shitty?

Just as HGTV went away from lots of great home improvement and gardening shows to stupid high end home updates and non-stop real estate glorification crap, Food Network has gone from instructional cooking shows with smart, talented hosts to preparing fancy, expensive meals with fabulous celebrity chefs and their super rich friends. And if they aren’t doing that on FN, they’re celebrating eating 17 lb hamburgers or hanging out with the regular folk at some dive with the biggest fucking douchebag in the world Guy Fieri.

Remember the good old days? You know, back when you could turn on and Sara Moulton would be making a good, affordable meal and actually showing and telling you how it was made? Or Mario would be explaining how to make good Italian food? Or Emeril would be reminding you that there’s no reason to be afraid of cooking and that it isn’t rocket science? Now, all of their hosts are pretending that cooking is almost as difficult as brain surgery and treating chefs as if they actually were brain surgeons.

AND THE SALT! Oh sweet Jesus the salt! Every single show I watch, I find myself screaming at the TV to back off the salt. Hosts like CHEF Anne Burrell will say things like “we have to salt each step in the process.” Well, maybe so, but you don’t have drain the Great Salt Lake to get enough salt to do it with.

How ‘bout ruining a good steak? They can all do it. Take a really great piece of meat and smother it with blue cheese so you won’t be able to taste the meat anymore. What’s the point of that? Why do they always insist on covering up the taste of the food they’re preparing? Same goes for pasta. We all love cheese, but why pile up the asiago or parmesan so high? The asiago is spicy and parmesan is salty! And worst of all, you don’t ALWAYS have to substitute ground turkey for ground beef.

Hell, they can’t even spare the desserts. They just have to add things like Cayenne Pepper to chocolate. Give it a fucking rest! Everything doesn’t have to be gourmet.  Everything doesn’t have to be full of spices and herbs. Sometimes it’s best to just let the food speak for itself.

And a couple of other things that really bug me too. When you grab a spoon and stir the sauces and then taste it, don’t STICK THE GODDAMN SPOON BACK INTO THE SAUCE! You might as well just stick your finger in it you disgusting freak. And, if you don’t mind, when you’re handling poultry and seafood, doing things like cutting it up, fileting or maybe removing that digestive tract from shrimp, wear some food safe gloves. It grosses me out.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 



Be sure to check out the I’m With Stupid podcast! The #1 Comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio