Arizona: Leviticus for Thee, but Not for Me

Holaaaaaaaaa! I know a lot of wonderful people who live in Arizona. They’re smart, educated and decent and in some cases hot as hell. Arizona seems like it should be a great place. The weather is awesome. Phoenix is a great city with lots to offer its residents. It’s too bad that most of people who live there are not only batshit crazy, but are also despicable pieces of human debris full of hatred and bigotry. That’s unfortunate but obviously true otherwise they wouldn’t keep voting for people who pass blatantly discriminatory laws. So, to help Arizona out, I came up with some new state slogans for them.

Welcome to Arizona …

- The Uganda of the West

- Our Borders and Minds are Always Closed

- Gay Money is no Good Here

- Hate Lives Here

- Stay in the Closet Please  

- Where Bigots Come to Play

- A Straight White Man’s Paradise

- Because Idaho is Extreme Enough

- No Rear Entry  

- Go Be Gay Somewhere Else 

- The KKK Loves Us

- Guns Guts and God

- NO HOMOS! 

- Equal Protection Under the Law for Some

- Even God’s Rainbow isn’t Welcome Here

- It’s Worse than You Imagine

- Our Hate is Real

- Only the Heritage Foundation Supports Us

- Open for Business for SOME People

- Papers Please

I know Jan Brewer vetoed SB1062. Blah, Blah, Blah … Basically she told everyone to just wait until after Super Bowl XLIX and then try again.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS 

Stream of Haikuciousness...When Matt-Man Develops His Spontaneous Asian Side

Yesterday on the IWS website, Jayman posted an exquisitely done stream of consciousness post.  I mean…

It was so damn well done, that while the tears of James Joyce were falling from Heaven, Jayman was receiving a call from the Ted Cruz organization begging Jayman to be their filibuster writer from here on out.

So?  I thought I’d do a little stream of consciousness writing myself, however…

Just to mix it up a little, I thought I’d stream my consciousness in the form of haikus.

So here ya go, Matt-Man’s Stream of Haikusciousness…

This winter drags on
Will it end anytime soon?
I seriously doubt it.

This Steel Reserve
Is quite tasty and so warm,
Fuck Mother Nature.

I’m off this Sunday
Facebook friends better beware,
Ima gonna drink.

Sausage, toast, and eggs
That sounds incredibly good.
So much effort though.

I just lit a smoke
I take a deep drag, and smile
Newport Reds taste swell.

Lent is almost here
I need to give up something
Bread and pasta…Gone!!

My zipper is down
I find that extremely odd
Hands were typing keys.

I bet Kate Upton
Is really awful in bed
Not allowed to bite and mar her picture perfect tits.

My last Kate haiku
Did not follow haiku rules
Oh well…suck it, Kate.

Chicken nuggets, not eggs

eggs?

Nuggets are much less trouble.
Eggs may have to sit.

I just touched my dick.
No, I didn’t have an itch
I just wanted to.

Why do people judge?
Schmoop is sound asleep in bed
And I am horny.

Thank you, and have a great Thursday…I shall spend mine saying “5-7-5” to myself.

Today’s drawer at the Beer Mine is gonna be so fucked up.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

No Punctuation Necessary Stream of Consciousness Blogging

Hola y’all! On our Write Drunk Edit Sober show this week we talked about a writer’s block and some of the ideas of how to deal with it and one of them was to do a stream of consciousness post so I think I’ll do that tonight hell I might not even put any punctuation in here just one long sentence won’t that drive some of you grammar Nazis fucking nuts hahahaha I love it you people get all pissed over stuff like this in fact I’m rather enjoying this even though I know that nobody has probably lasted this long and is still reading but if you are you are my friend and I love you I guess I should do some paragraph breaks in here though so maybe what I’ll do is put a period at the end of each paragraph and then start another long stream of consciousness paragraph with no punctuation what do you think about that okay cool I’ll do it.

Maybe this won’t be nearly as annoying if I do it this way although I’m sure there will be someone who will bitch about well maybe not since nobody really reads this blog anyway other than the 100 to 1200 people who might come over from Stumble Upon that site has suddenly been pretty consistent about sending us some hits each day and made things a little happier in these parts cause while blogging can be fun anyone who says they only write for themselves is so full of shit cause we all totally want page views that’s what were really do this for I mean if it wasn’t about page views would I just up and post a pic of Lupita Nyong’o who stars in 12 Years a Slave just because she’s nominated for an Academy Award and is making the rounds on the talk shows and people will be searching for her hell no I wouldn’t.

Okay that’s not necessarily true cause I saw her on Conan Monday night and she was really very charming and beautiful and almost made me want to see 12 Years a Slave but more than likely I’ll just wait and see what she’s in next and hope it’s a movie I’ll be more likely to want to see anyway I’m totally fine with her winning the Oscar this coming Sunday on ABC even though that means she will beat Jennifer Lawrence that doesn’t mean I’m no longer a Jennifer Lawrence fan it cause I totally am and I’m sure I always will be and I have no doubt that she is also a big fan of IWS Radio even though she hasn’t responded to my efforts to get her to come on the show.

Another thing we talked about on Sunday was how pissed off people get over the use of some words I brought up the fact that Matt-Man used the word piddle meaning that he wasn’t doing anything but just hanging out and wasting time but a lot of people insisted that he meant he was pissing I found this hilarious because while the word piddle does mean both wasting time and pissing it can be used either way and it was very obvious that he meant wasting time because he posted a picture of himself with his feet up relaxing the next day it suddenly hit me that if I had been thinking I could have said no Matt isn’t pissing cause if was he would have posted a picture of himself pissing like I did on my old blog back in the day which got all kinds of hilarious responses cause back in the day the bloggerhood was so much more of a community like that.

Anyway this stream of consciousness shit is easy and really fast I’m already up to 640 words holy shit you can really rack up the word counts this way oh sure most of it nonsensical and would be cut if I was going to edit this but I’m not I know you think I won’t be able to stand it but you’re wrong buddy I’m gonna post it as is and just let it sit there oh sure I might not ever look at this post again in my life after posting it cause it will really bug the shit outta me but as long as I’m not looking at it everything will be okay well I gotta go now cause this is getting long and I totally had way too much to eat at dinner tonight fajitas and a couple of taquitos are really filling and so damn delicious I think I could have them every night well not every night cause I gotta have some pizza every once in a while but you know what I mean right okay then good talk y’all have a great day and remember that I love well most of you some of you more than others but really almost all of you okay bye.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook (10 new friends in two days!!!)
@Jayman_IWS

Son of God: The Movie

Hiya Chuckleheads…This is the Matt-Man, and today I am spreading the good news of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

That’s right…Just like the parishioner patriots over at FOX News, I am here today to tout the forthcoming movie that revolves around Messianic miracles…a movie so SHOCKING, yet inspiring, and never before seen on screen…

The movie to which I refer?

Son of God.

Damn right…The 20th Century Fox movie, Son of God, based upon the successful HBO miniseries, The Bible, will be released this Friday, February 28th in theaters nationwide.

Son of God is produced by legendary TV guy, Mark Burnett, and his quasi-hot, actress wife, Roma Downey, of Touched by an Angel fame…

Well?  For some strange reason, the FOX News network is all over this, and have invited the Jesus producing couple onto their network nativity 24/7 the past few days, in order to promote the Son of God movie.

I understand the network promoting a movie by a sibling company, but Jesus Christ, FOX News has been all over the release of this movie like the lips of Judas upon the Son of God’s cheek.  And…FOX’s coverage is nearly as wet and grotesque.

The other night, Sean Hannity had a forty member or so “focus group” on his show, in order to critique the Son of God film which they were allowed to preview.

The focus group, made up of diverse right-wing Christian Conservatives such as Sean Hannity himself, gave it eighty thumbs up!!

I would have thought there might have been at least one Judas in the “diverse” focus group who only gave it one thumb up, but…no.  Praise Jeebus!!

I know…I know…

FOX News is praising this movie because it allows them to sing to the choir of their demographics.  Right-wing…Christian…God-Fearing people who everyday hear from FOX News, that Christians are day by sad Muslim loving day, being diminished, discriminated against, and ostracized, because well…

The 2-8% of non-Christians in America have been, and continue to, deface nativity scenes, kick Santa Claus out of cancer centers, and have sucked the once-powerful truth serum of laying one’s hands on the Bible prior to giving testimony during a court proceeding.

Fucking non-Christian antagonists!!

I understand where Hannity and FOX News are coming from.  They talk about how that Liberal snake-pit of Hollywood has failed to release a movie about the life of Jesus from birth to resurrection since the Greatest Story Ever Told was released some 49 years ago.

Oh sure, there have been more than a few dozen movies about Jesus in the meantime, but none that have covered his entire life from manger to ascension…and like most of my fervent Christian friends like Sean Hannity and William Donohue, I too, have found that troubling.

Not a day has gone by since 1965 that I haven’t cursed Hollywood for not making an updated, uber complete, life of Jesus movie.  It’s what I longed for, ever since FOX News told me to.

Ha…whatever.

FOX News exists in order to generate ratings and revenues like any other network, and currently they are doing it by playing the Son of God movie angle to their viewers.

That’s fine by me…however, I do have a bone to pick about this movie being heralded by FOX News to be the ENTIRE story of Jesus…

Jesus is supposed to come back one day; so, the movie is not complete, nor his story over.  And if, and when, the J-Man does come back…

Will he appreciate you guys at FNC exploiting his good will in order to pump up your ratings?

I don’t fucking think so.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Write Dunk Edit Sober Then do a Podcast

Sunday was the “Write Drunk, Edit Sober” show on IWS Radio and let me tell ya folks, the show was jammed pack with awesomeness! Hell, we were rolling along so hard we didn’t even realize it was almost over until there was 1.5 minutes left. We probably could have gone on for another hour easily.  We also had a great crowd in the chat room. None of them called in, but listening is fine too.

We started out talking about our good friend Angie’s struggles with From You Flowers. If From You Flowers thought that was behind them, this week’s show was a sad reminder that it’s not even close to being over. Hell, when we were finished talking about how IWS Radio brought From You Flowers to their knees, we just wasted several minutes making fun of their name.

Thennnnnnnnnnn things really got rolling!

We ended the From You Flowers disaster segment with the lovely and talented Aunt Jackie singing Al Green’s classic “Let’s Stay Together.” That set a great tone for the rest of the show! Damn Jaxx is talented!

After that we bantered back and forth about writing and what a beautiful struggle it is…

We covered writer’s block and some ideas of how to deal with it. Some people pace, some surf the net, some just power through and do some stream of consciousness writing.

Tammy Tibbles wandered by to lift our spirits with her brand of positive inspirational writing.

Rev Moneymaker reminded us that it’s important to keeps things positive and not write anything sleazy or unseemly.

We talked about our writing processes and how we come up with our brilliant blog posts. Plus we discussed writing on a deadline and falling victim to going for too much click-bait rather than relying on the quality of the writing. You know, just randomly posting tawdry pics of say, Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry kissing or something equally disgusting.

Paul Piatt took exception to the whole “be yourself” theory to writing and then came back later with some great tips.

Schmoop simply unloaded on Jayman and Matt-Man in one of the most hurtful rants in the history of IWS Radio.

We talked about what kind of book we would write if we were to do so.

And soooooooooooooo much more! You’ve gotta check this one out y’all!

More Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week: Rush Limbaugh, Patriot and Author

America has a rich tradition of producing some of the world's greatest writers.  Mark Twain, William Faulkner, John Steinbeck, and of course, IWS Radio's very own...Paul Piatt.

But ladies and gentlemen, a list of the true greats of American literature would be but an empty and pallid bust of Pallus if atop that bust sat not the King of American Literature...Our IWS Person of the Week...

That Great American, die-hard Patriot, and master of both history and the written word...

Rush Limbaugh!!

Not only is Rush Limbaugh a sexy and talented voice for right-thinking Americans, his knowledge of history is unequaled...

He put his extensive knowledge of American history into a bestseller last year when he penned, Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims...

And 2014 is no different...Rush Limbaugh is following up his bestseller on March 12, 2014 with the sequel to his now classic kid's history book, with Rush Revere and the First Patriots...

Rush Limbaugh is talented, sexy, smart as hell, and that is why this lovable giant of both the spoken and written word is our IWS Person of the Week...

And speaking of giants of literature and writing in general, join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team LIVE tonight on Blog Talk Radio from 8-10 PM ET as they broadcast their BTR Staff picked episode, Write Drunk, Edit Sober.

The Number One Comedy Show on Blog Talk Radio will be talking writing tips, fave authors, bad writing, and all the while taking your calls at 661.244.9852.

So join IWS Radio LIVE TONIGHT from 8-10 PM ET on the BTR Network.  You can catch all the literary hilarity by clicking HERE!!

Matt Said, Jay Said, In Written Form

Matt mumbles, Jay grumbles You listen intently. 

Matt: Well hey there!
Jay: Hidy Ho!
Schmoop: Hiya!
Jay: Oh hey there Schmoopalicious!
Schmoop: Matt had to pee
Jay: Already?
Schmoop: It’s cold here this morning.
Jay: Oh, I understand.
Schmoop: Luckily he’s a great multitasker.
Jay: True. Wait. What?
Schmoop: He’s prepping for show prep while peeing.
Jay: Oh okay.
Schmoop: Unfortunately he pees really fast and doesn’t get much prep done.
Jay: Man, things just never work out for that guy.
Schmoop: IKR?
Matt: Hey-OOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jay: You didn’t pee all over the seat did you?
Matt: God no! I’m not some kind of savage.
Jay: That’s good to know.
Matt: You probably just pee all over everywhere don’t you?
Jay: Noooooooooo … I do my best to maintain control.

Matt: Uh-huh … You quiet always in control types are dangerous.
Jay: Nah. When I blow it won’t be something that simple.
Matt: Any chance I can get a little warning so I’m not in the blast zone?
Jay: I’ll see what I can do.
Matt: Maybe you should aim your blast at From You Flowers?
Jay: Oh we will!
Matt: We’ll have to shoehorn that into the show Sunday.
Jay: We’re not just letting that go.
Matt: We can’t! 

Jay: We’re here to defend the good and decent people from shitty companies.
Matt: That’s right. We stand for truth, justice and the American way.
Jay: Totally.
Matt: Standing up for the little guy!
Jay: Holding people and corporations to the highest of standards.
Matt: Just like we do for ourselves.
Jay: Absolutlehahahahahaha … I mean, damn right!
Matt: Or something.

Jay: So it’s time for another show about writing?
Matt: Damn, this is so creepy.
Jay: What?
Matt: I was just thinking the same thing.
Jay: Man, that’s scary.
Matt: We can talk all about writing.
Jay: Oh yeah. Authors, books, the writing process.
Matt: Different styles of writing.
Jay: Who gets to call himself a writer.
Matt: Oh that one is getting tough.
Jay: Yeah, we’ll have to break that down for people.
Matt: In a totally fair and honest way.
Jay: That’s the only way we know how.
Matt: We can talk about what kind of writing we would LIKE to do.
Jay: How much we love to write UNLESS WE HAVE TO!
Matt: Then it’s more about getting it done than anything.
Jay: Yup and trying to include “click bait”
Matt: That’s a problem sometimes.
Jay: We can also talk about writing movies and TV shows.
Matt: And songwriting.
Jay: Oh hell yes!
Matt: And writing fiction vs non-fiction.
Jay: Yeah, essays, short stories and opinion pieces.
Matt: And the assholes who write for newspapers.
Jay: Oh man, there’s a lot of ‘em.
Matt: Paul Piatt, Guy and Tammy Tibbles!
Jay: Mediations by Martin, Bobby K w/ deep thoughts and Rev Moneymaker!
Matt: And whatever else we think of.
Jay: All about the writing process!
Matt: And the angst, loneliness and alcohol that comes with it.
Jay: Definitely.

So tune into “Write Drunk, Edit Sober” on IWS Radio Sunday night at 8 pm ET! Also, call us up and talk about your writing hopes and dreams. Or likes and dislikes. Or whatever. Just call us at 661.244.9852!

FromYouFlowers.Com...Your Customer Service Is Wilting

Happy Friday and I hope all of you will have a wonderful weekend and have had a most happy time during this post-Valentine’s Day week.

I know…again with Valentine’s Day?  I know…It’s passed…it’s gone…it was sooooo LAST week, you say.

Well…not for a very close friend of the IWS Radio Show.

Our friend Angie, purchased a guaranteed Valentine’s Day delivery of flowers that looked something like this from fromyouflowers.com for her wife…

Well…Angie’s wife didn't get them on Valentine’s Day because there were “issues”…Meaning, fromyouflowers.com screwed up, but….we will never know what those issues were.

Perhaps, it was incompetence, but who am I to judge or speculate?

Here’s the thing…when the flowers that Angie did order arrived on Monday the 17th, they looked like this…

Appalled as Angie should be, she contacted fromyouflowers.com and rightfully demanded reciprocity for the late, skanky-ass looking dead flowers that her spouse received on Valentine’s Day, three days late no less.

Well here is what Angie’s wife received from fromyouflowers.com as an acceptable replacement for what Angie purchased for $50 and arrived late…

Seriously?

Why not send Angie and her wife a bucket full of milkweed and call it even?

Sad.

If fromyouflowers.com has any respectability and a sense of corporate responsibility, they will send Angie and her wife something like this…

AND…they will send them a coupon for a free dinner at a nice restaurant in their area.

I mean c’mon…they spoiled Valentine’s Day for Angie and Macey, so do the right thing and make it up to them.

If fromyouflowers.com is truly in the love and happiness business, they will make this happen for one of the cutest couples I have ever known, and they can get a hold of me in order to do so, and I will supply their information.

And if they don’t?  There is going to be hell to pay this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Looking For Love on Facebook

Hola lovers! As you might remember, not too long ago I started joining several Facebook groups to try and meet new friends from all over the world and made a commitment to get married this year. Well, it’s time to document some of my interactions once again.

Round 1: TC

TC: Hello!
Jay: Well hey there little lady!
TC: LOL!
Jay: What’s so funny?
TC: You are!
Jay: Really? Thanks!
TC: You’re welcome. How are you today?
Jay: I’m wonderful, how are you?
TC: I’m okay.
Jay: Just okay?
TC: I’m kind of lonely.
Jay: Awww … I’m sorry.
TC: Are you lonely.
Jay: Sometimes I get lonely.
TC: Are you single?
Jay: Single forever.
TC: That’s sad.

Jay: Wait. Now I’m sad? I thought I was funny.
TC: Hee Hee … You are funny!
Jay: Thank you for appreciating my comedy skills.
TC: You’re a comedian?
Jay: Can’t you tell?
TC: Yes! You’re funny like a clown.
Jay: Nooooooooooooo
TC: No?
Jay: Clowns are creepy. I’m not creepy.
TC: No, you’re not creepy at all.
Jay: Well I am a little creepy. You just don’t know me well enough yet.
TC: I hope not.
Jay: I’ll try to tone it down.
TC: Okay. What are you looking for?
Jay: A good time?
TC: LOL … I’m looking for a life mate.
Jay: Okay.
TC: Someone for me and my four little kids.
Jay: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
TC: Kids aren’t okay?
Jay: Well, I’m not good with kids.
TC: It’s okay. You will learn fast.
Jay: I was a terrible student in college.
TC: LOL!
Jay: I don’t want to be mean.
TC: You’re not mean!
Jay: I’m not looking for the same thing you are.
TC: It’s okay. We’ll just be friends.
Jay: Okay. And fuck buddies?
TC: *Defriends Jay*

Round 2: BW

BW: Hey there!
Jay: how YOU doin’?
BW: I’m fine.
Jay: Yes you are!
BW: How are you?
Jay: I’m GREAT!
BW: That’s good. You’re happy?
Jay: Very much so!
BW: Why?
Jay: Because I’m talking to you!
BW: That’s so sweet!
Jay: IKNOWRIGHT? I’m a sweet guy.
BW: I don’t know what that word means.
Jay: Sweet?
BW: LOL .. No, “iknowright” My English isn’t that good.
Jay: Oh that’s okay. No worries.
BW: Thank you.
Jay: No, THANK YOU!
BW: Why thank me?
Jay: Just for being you.
BW: hahahahahaha
Jay: So what’s up?
BW: Just looking.
Jay: Looking for?????
BW: A man.
Jay: Hell yeah!
BW: LOL
Jay: You’ve come to the right place babe.
BW: Can I get a full body pic of you?
Jay: NUDE?
BW: NO!! I don’t do that!
Jay: Oh. I would if you wanted me to though.
BW: No that’s okay.
Jay: Here’s a pic…
BW: You’re so big.
Jay: Yeah, all the girls say that.
BW: I like big.
Jay: Awwwwwww yeahhhhhhhhhh!

BW: What does that mean?
Jay: You’re looking for a big one?
BW: I’m happy with anyone.
Jay: Oh, okay. Girls say that all the time too.
BW: What do you do for a living?
Jay: I’m a writer.
BW: Really? What do you write?
Jay: Mostly Gay Erotica.
BW: I don’t read any of that.
Jay: Why not?
BW: I don’t know. Just haven’t.
Jay: Do you have a problem with bisexual men?
BW: Nope. That’s what I prefer.
Jay: Oh, that’s too bad.
BW: You aren’t bisexual?
Jay: Nope.
BW: But, that’s okay too.
Jay: Yeah, but I’ll obviously never be what you really want.
BW: That’s not true.
Jay: I’ll always fall short.
BW: How old are you?
Jay: I’m an old man.
BW: Good. I want a man over 55 or 65.
Jay: I’m only 46.
BW: That’s not bad though.
Jay: Sorry. Obviously I’ll never be what you’re looking for.
BW: You don’t know that.
Jay: Story of my life. Never quite good enough.
BW: Yes you are!
Jay: That’s nice of you to say. We can be friends right?
BW: Well I want more than friends.
Jay: Right. Fuck buddies it is.
BW: *Deactivates Account*

Well, that didn’t work out as well as I had hoped. Maybe next time.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

North Korea: Crimes Against Humanity...I'll Fix Them!!

I don’t think of myself as a less than intelligent kinda guy, but one thing I can never get my mind around is
how brutal, dictatorial bullies not only exist, but even today, thrive as rulers of countries, and as “most-exalted” slave masters of large populations of men, women, and children…

Men and women who in most cases, just want to work, perhaps raise a family of kids who want to learn, grow, play, laugh, and then watch their kids renew that cycle with the kids that they bring into this world.

Of course, this type of thing doesn’t happen in North Korea, noooooooooooooo.

The other day the United Nations came out with a report containing “crimes against humanity” in North Korea that have been, and are being, conducted by the affable, adorable, and eternally Presidential, Kim family.

Oh sure…the allegations that have been presented are nothing which hadn’t already been assumed, presumed, or otherwise thought to be fact, but now the speculation is corroborated by testimony.

The testimony includes a myriad of stories of political prisoners being starved, urinated upon, forced into having abortions, beaten, raped, and of course…murdered.

The odd thing about this transparency of human horrors taking place, is that nobody does a damn thing about it, because well…this is a “very sensitive diplomatic issue”…

“China could reign Kim Jong Un in, but we shouldn’t bum rush the Chinese into doing so…we wouldn’t want to upset the rickshaw, now would we?”

Yep…We should proceed cautiously because after all, only two-thirds of the 25 million North Koreans are drinking Chinese coal drenched rain water and eating pigeon shit sandwiches to get by, and well?  They can get by on that for awhile longer.  Unless of course…they protest.

Kim Jong Un, is nothing but the latest in a familial lineage of a short-dicked, shallow gene-pool dwelling, bullies, whose family has access to both nuclear weapons and drunken former husbands of Carmen Electra.

The North Korean government is not a government. It is a prison.

It is a prison run by a warden who is a child.  A child who learned too well from his predecessors that there is little food to go around, so he eats first, his military eats second, and the rest of the folks can lick the plates.

And?  If those plate lickers complain?  Throw them in the hole, and let them drink piss…before he kills them.

I wish just one prominent diplomat, world leader, or ambassador would come out and say what even the leaders in China are probably thinking…

“North Korea is a fucking shit hole, and we should do something about it, because it’s the right thing to do.”

And of course the Chinese would add…

“Because we sure as hell don’t want to take care of millions of North Korean refugees.”

Hell, I wish that some North Koreans who merely longed for some food would get together and topple the subhuman Weeble that is Kim Jong Un.

But if that doesn’t happen…I would be more than happy to meet Kim Jong Un on the street mano a mano, without his bodyguards and nuclear weapons, and even at my dilapidated 49 years of age, feign a left hook to his head.

He would wince.  He would cry.  And then, he’d wet his pants.

And I would say…

“Thought so…you pussy.”

Cheers!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

Everyone Loves Online Quizzes!

Hola all you inquisitive folks out there! Do you love taking online quizzes on sites like Buzzfeed and others? Don’t lie, you know you do! If you didn’t you wouldn’t post the results on Facebook all day long! I know, I do the same thing. They are kind of addictive and sometimes even fun. But, if you aren’t my friend on Facebook then shame on you! I mean, I will list all of my quiz results here for you. Or at least all the ones I can remember.

- One quiz says I should live in California. That’s a brilliant idea. I would love to move to Cali if I could.

- Another says I should be living in Portland, OR. I would be good with that too. It is a bit TOOOO liberal and way too hipster for me, but there’s a lot of cool stuff about Portland too. Aaaaaaaaaand it’s the strip club capital of the world.

- I should be a writer. Great! Pay me to write and I would do it. I don’t know if “international internet radio star” was one of the options or not.

- My hidden talent is a painter. I don’t have any real artistic ability. Well, I can’t draw. I guess there are lots of definitions of “art.”

- If I were a Muppet I would be the Count! I’m totally a numbers guy.

- Which Family Guy Character am I? Lois, of course.

- What kind of G-Chatter am I? I’m a “goon.” That’s somebody who isn’t all that social on there and doesn’t go “live” all the time.

- I AM HELVETICA FONT!

- I scored 130 on an intelligence test and they say I’m “smart.”

- Of all the Disney Princess I am ….. Belle.

- I straddle the line between being cool and uncool. This is pretty funny cause we all know I’m totally NOT cool.

- The arbitrary thing that I am is a “Fat Squirrel.”  THAT IS HURTFUL INTERNET!!!

- Which Twin Peaks character am I? Leo Johnson, of course. I’m told he’s a “really bad guy.”

- I am NOT holy enough to receive communion. This comes as a surprise to no one.

- Which declining social media site am I? Friendster. This means I have limited social skills. Like we didn’t all know THAT already.

- What kind of Bathroom etiquette do I have? I’m a “polite pisser.” Apparently someone who sprays the toilet with disinfectant before and after taking a crap and then washes his hands with antibacterial soap afterwards is just “polite.”

- And finally I’m a tie between being Abraham Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt.  I have no idea what that really means, but okay. I did try another “Which President are You?” quiz but when I saw that they list Pat Buchanan as a former president I curled up in the fetal position and cried for two hours and never finished the quiz.

Okay, so there you! I’m sure you found this every bit as fascinating as I did. This does NOT mean that you don’t need to be my friend on Facebook any more though. You totally do!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Happy Presidents' Day from IWS Radio

Hail to the Chiefs and Happy President’s Day Chuckleheads!!

If you have the day off today in honor of the American Chief Executives past and present, bully for you and enjoy your time off.

And…

For those of you who do have the day off.  There is no better way to spend your time off than by listening to IWS Radio.

Let me tell you.  Last night, Jay, Matt, Dixie Ozark, Phil Diller, Bobby Kraft, and a cast of thousands entertained and informed the masses.

IWS covered, the Winter Olympics,  Presidential history, truly American cuisine, re-capped Valentine’s Day, and as always, broke down what’s going on weather wise.

In addition to the informative hilarity that took place, both the switchboard and our hearts lit up, when we received a call from our favorite and hottest Canadian ever, Jaaaaaaaaaaaamie.  Oh Canada, Baby!!

So today, while you are solemnly respecting the history and office holders of the American Presidency, listen to IWS Radio.

If you don’t listen, it can mean only thing…

You are, at best, un-American, and at worst…probably Norwegian.

Cheers!!

Oshie Can You See the IWS Person of the Week!?

The IWS Person(s) of the Week is TEAM USA HOCKEY! In case you missed it, and if you did shame on you, USA defeated Russia yesterday in a thrilling shootout!

The big hero of the day, the guy putting the biscuit in the basket during the shootout was T.J. Oshie!

T.J. is a fine example of what American Exceptionalism is all about!

And while T.J. was doing the scoring, Jonathan Quick was standing tall between the pipes stoning the Russians!

Another All-American man!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand don’t for get to get updated on all the news, weather and sports by Matt-Man, Jayman and the whole gang at IWSRadio Sunday night at 8 pm ET!!!!

Matt Said, Jay Said...Unfocused Like A Fox

Matt’s mind wanders…Jay’s think melon is distracted, you ask…Can’t the two of you focus on one thing?

Matt:  What up dawg?
Jay:  Nothing other than getting ready to enjoy some temps in the 50’s as soon as Friday.
Matt:  Ohhhhh…goooood…fooooor…yooooou.
Jay:  I thought you’d be happy for me.
Matt:  Eh, actually I am, at least one of us isn't miserable weather-wise.
Jay:  We could talk about that this Sunday.
Matt:  Talk about what?

Jay:  Talk about this miserable winter FINALLY showing signs of departing.
Matt:  We could do that, because it’s suppose to moderate here next week.
Jay:  But then again, we should also talk about the happenings in Sochi.
Matt:  True…The Olympics will be winding down this Sunday.
Jay:  We should talk about how those fucking Norwegians are cheating their way to the top.
Matt:  I HATE the Norwegians, and their crimes against humanity within their prisons.

Jay:  Okay…We’ll talk weather and the Olympics.  Cool.
Matt:  But Jayman…This Monday is also President’s Day; we should touch on that as well.
Jay:  Yeah.  You’re right.  Okay we’ll do some funny Presidential stuff as well.
Matt:  Hail to the Funny!!
Jay:  We’ll impeach all of the President’s through humor.
Matt:  We’ll skewer them with four score and seven jokes.
Jay:  Okay, okay…save it for the show.
Matt:  Aight.

Jay:  Okay…We’ll talk weather, Olympics, and President’s Day.  Cool.
Matt:  And we should probably re-cap Valentine’s Day.
Jay:  Good point.  We'll figure out and report on how many millions of worthless dollars were spent.
Matt:  And get a body bag count of how many people died from a broken heart.

Jay:  Okay…We’ll talk weather, Olympics, President’s Day, and Valentine’s Day.  Cool.
Matt:  Wow…we’re going to be all over the place topic wise.
Jay:  I know…Hmmmmmm?  Maybe we need some help covering all of this.
Matt:  Well…I can ask Stubby Stonehenge, Phil Diller, Malcolm Eckstein, and Tammy Tibbles to weigh in.
Jay:  Excellent.  I’ll see if Dixie Ozark, Martin, Joshua, and maybe Aunt Jax are available.

Matt:  Holy Cow…This is going to be a huge and diverse show!!
Jay:  Just like our IWS Radio audience.
Matt:  It’s gonna be a veritable potpourri of information and laughter!!
Jay: It’s gonna be a Potpourri Extravaganza!!

Matt and Jay:  What a great title…Potpourri Extravaganza!!
Jay:  News!!
Matt:  Weather!!
Jay:  Sports!!

Matt:  I think we are more than ready.
Jay:  I know we are.
Matt:  We’re fucking geniuses…er…genii.
Jay:  It’s okay…geniuses sounds better.
Matt:  Word.
Jay:  Byyyyyyyyye.
Matt:  Byyyyyyyye.

Catch IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

We are going to cover everything that is happening on this Big Blue Marble of ours and cover you in laughter.

So to listen LIVE click HERE, and remember, you can always call-in at 661.244.9852.

See you Sunday on the radio!!     

Funny Headlines Have Returned Yet Again!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s time for more headlines!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

LeBron James says he belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of the NBA. When asked where it is replies “Damn, I don’t know … Colorado?”

CDC says 2,739 American women have injured themselves trying to dace like Beyoncé did at the Grammy’s.

President Obama laughs uncontrollably as he can’t stop making “short jokes” at Vladimir Putin’s expense.

NFL prospect Michael Sam clarifies his announcement that he’s gay: “I’m more ‘Rock Hudson’ gay, not ‘Johnny Weir’ gay.

Pope Francis says it’s important to love the homeless. Homeless say that’s nice but “we can’t buy 211’s with love, man.”

Men’s Doubles Luge outlawed in Kansas.

Ted Cruz demands to know if Obama pronounces it “tomato” or “tomahto” before committing to one side or the other.

In shocking development, talk radio caller remembers to turn down his radio first.

Area woman is sick and tired of men with “scruffy beards.”

Sad, lonely man puts up a good front pretending not to care about Valentine’s Day.

Male prostitute uses hidden shotgun in the headboard trick to rob johns.

Rand Paul missed the debt ceiling vote because we out trying to find the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to give himself.

President Obama still angry over not winning any southern states in 2012 orders up a series of winter storms as punishment.

Americans intrigued by Olympic Curling say it could become popular here if it can be made more violent.

Arkansas County Quorum Court finds laws to be too confusing so everyone just goes home.

CNN gets into the scripted show business because nobody gives a shit about the news anyway.

Amanda Knox turns down sweet job offer as tour guide for Perillo Tours of Italy.

Comcast and Time Warner Cable agree to a merger promise half the service and quality with twice the shittiness.

New Yorkers angry that Mayor de Blasio didn’t order schools closed during snowstorm. De Blasio replies “Who knew Al Roker would be right?”

Facebook announces users will have 50 gender options. “Other” not one of them.

2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition to be delivered with some pages “pre-stuck together.”

Area man can’t explain why he finds curling so damn fascinating, he just does.

Okay, that’s enough.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Phyllis Diller's Brother Breaks Out The Punchlines

Hey there all you crazy guys and dolls. Phil Diller here for IWS Radio.

You’re probably asking yourself right now, “Who the hell is this guy?”

Well, I just told you…I’m Phil Diller.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

Seriously though…For the throngs of you who are unfamiliar as to who I am, I am the late Phyllis Diller’s obscure and un-publicly-recognized younger brother.

Hell, just check out Phyllis’ Wikipedia page...there is no reference to me whatsoever. You know why? Because when Phyllis was born, and they saw what she looked like?  My Dad shouted at my Mom…

“Look Honey, it’s the son we always wanted!!”, and they kept it that way.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

Seriously though…I was conceived during the October 14, 1937 FDR Fireside Chat on the Unemployment Census.  Hell…Mom and Dad both had jobs; it was a cold night in Lima, Ohio, and the President’s radio chat wasn't doing much to keep them warm, so they found an alternative source of heat.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime Uhhhhhhh!!

Anyway, during my days growing up in the Diller household, Mom, Dad, and my sister would tell me that I was just a stray that they picked up in their front yard on July 14, 1938 during an out of control Bastille Day Party.

“Why would a German/Irish family such as the Diller’s celebrate France?”

And he replied…

“We thought it would be our last time to make fun of the French before Hitler and that midget dago wiped them off the map.”

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

I never bought that line.

Anyway…Mom and Dad died when I was around eleven years old, but my sis Phyllis was working and kept me around.  She would always tell me…

“Phil, even though you are not my brother, I feel the need to take care of you, so…you can stay here and be my gardener.”

It was nice to have a place to stay, but the entire time that I’m out there busting up turf in order for Phyllis to plant her vegetable garden, I’m thinking…

“Listen, Bitch!!  My name is Phil DILLER, not Phil TILLER!!”

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhhh!!

Don’t get me wrong, as much as she and the entire family denied my familial bond, they did take care of me…well, until she died in 2012.

After my sister Phyllis died, her kids kicked me out of the gardener’s guest house and ass flung me straight to the curb.  I felt as though I was Ned Beatty getting my salad tossed in a Burt Reynolds’s flick and the movie was titled…

Diller-iverance.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

So, I’m out on my own now, and I am incredibly grateful to Jay and Matt for bringing me on board the TEAM IWS chuck wagon so I can make a living.

I’m going to be there this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET on the IWS Radio Show with some funny President Day jokes, so don’t miss out, and don’t miss out on this Sunday’s show which you can catch live right HERE!!

Until then…Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhhh!!

Phil Diller

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

We Must Save Curling in America

Hola y’all! As you probably know by now, the US men’s and women’s curling teams are a combined 0-5 at the Sochi Olympics. This is unacceptable. Obviously curling needs to be saved and quickly! This morning Matt-Man and I discussed the idea of an Olympic Bikini Curling League with Chrissy Teigen as the team captain, but she never responded on Twitter so that’s probably out. However, I do think I have an idea how to save curling in America.

We should make a fun movie about curling! You know, one of those “triumph of the human spirit” type movies. A uniquely American story where a guy overcomes a bunch of obstacles in his life, pulls himself up by his bootstraps and not only makes curling popular, but turns America in a world curling powerhouse. As we should be!

Our main character is a sad man who hasn’t really accomplished anything in life other than be elected as the mayor of Paducah, Kentucky. At first I thought of Matt Damon in this role, but I don’t think he’s that kind of guy. So, Kevin James it is! Of course, he needs a wife. The only logical person that a socially awkward overweight failed businessman who is elected mayor of a small town on the Ohio River could be married to would be played by Priyanka Chopra, right?

If you’re gonna have a simple, lovable mayor try to fulfill his dream of turning Paducah into the curling capital of the world and make it a tourist attraction then you have to have an evil enemy who wants to scuttle the whole thing for his own financial gain. That cruel, greedy and all-around sleazy guy will be played by Tom Hanks, of course.

Every evil man must be married to an equally evil, scheming and conniving cunt of a wife. Gwenyth Paltrow is perfect for this role. She could just play herself, right? No effort at all. But, I don’t want to give her that easy money opportunity. So, the only other option here is Sandra Bullock.

Basically Paducah, Kentucky is a poor, economically depressed town with no future and Mayor Kevin James has a plan to save the town by building the biggest curling center in the world. People are skeptical and Tom Hanks takes advantage of this and tries to get Kevin James recalled. If his evil plan works, Hanks could be mayor and take big kickbacks from coal and oil interests and possibly run for governor and then president someday.

It looks bleak for Mayor James and his young exotic wife when a miracle happens! America’s greatest curler shows up in town one day and is interested in his plan. The curler, played by Jared Leto loves it and brings in all kinds of fundraising from socially and environmentally aware groups and the recall fails!

Then the curling center is built and on opening day people come from all over the world to check it out. All the big sports cable networks are there and all are bidding big money to televise tournaments from the Paducah Curling Center and God Bless America!

It could totally work y’all! I bet it would … SWEEP … the Oscars! Hey-OOOO!!!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS