Cupid Hearts IWS Radio

Hi all!!  Cupid here, and let me tell you, I am going to be so God Damn busy today.  I’ll be firing arrows of love throughout the world today.  I’ll be pulling on my bow string so much today that my wrist will be
quivering with carpal tunnel.  Ha!!

Get it?  Quivering?  Arrows?  Ha…I fucking crack myself up.  I have to keep myself joyful today because while I enjoy bringing people together, it’s ponderous man; it’s fucking ponderous.

But let me tell ya…When Valentine’s Day is over, I am going to go home, sleep in, and then get up Sunday at Noon ET so I can listen to those two other Gods of Love, Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show.

They have a hilarious and love-filled show on tap for all y’all.  In fact, I read the press release in this week’s Variety Magazine and it read:

Jay and Matt sweep up the broken pieces of the pathetic men who bought overpriced crap and the pathetic women who were “under-appreciated” and/or had their hearts broken on Valentine’s Day. They also spend time feigning outrage and overtly mocking the nationwide cinematic opening of Fifty Shades of Grey. But wait, there’s MORE!!

Presidents’ Day is upon us and it is incumbent upon the IWS staff to make fun of each and every Oval Office inhabitant that has ever tried to govern this great nation. If that isn’t enough, IWS Radio drinks in the debauchery of Mardi Gras and talks of repentance with the arrival of Lent. Jay and Matt will also talk candidly and openly about the moral and ethical question facing us today…

Should Jay and Matt begin to post pictures of fully-exposed boobs and bare-naked booties upon the IWS Radio website?  All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as IWS Radio celebrates Pathetic People, Presidents, and Boobies!!

After a full day of spreading love, it will be nice to sit back, relax, and listen to this dynamic duo pick up where I left off.  So…

Listen tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents, Pathetic People, Presidents, and Boobies!!

To listen LIVE click right HERE.

As always and of course with LOVE,

Cupid

Happy Presidents' Day from IWS Radio

Hail to the Chiefs and Happy President’s Day Chuckleheads!!

If you have the day off today in honor of the American Chief Executives past and present, bully for you and enjoy your time off.

And…

For those of you who do have the day off.  There is no better way to spend your time off than by listening to IWS Radio.

Let me tell you.  Last night, Jay, Matt, Dixie Ozark, Phil Diller, Bobby Kraft, and a cast of thousands entertained and informed the masses.

IWS covered, the Winter Olympics,  Presidential history, truly American cuisine, re-capped Valentine’s Day, and as always, broke down what’s going on weather wise.

In addition to the informative hilarity that took place, both the switchboard and our hearts lit up, when we received a call from our favorite and hottest Canadian ever, Jaaaaaaaaaaaamie.  Oh Canada, Baby!!

So today, while you are solemnly respecting the history and office holders of the American Presidency, listen to IWS Radio.

If you don’t listen, it can mean only thing…

You are, at best, un-American, and at worst…probably Norwegian.

Cheers!!

Matt Said, Jay Said...Unfocused Like A Fox

Matt’s mind wanders…Jay’s think melon is distracted, you ask…Can’t the two of you focus on one thing?

Matt:  What up dawg?
Jay:  Nothing other than getting ready to enjoy some temps in the 50’s as soon as Friday.
Matt:  Ohhhhh…goooood…fooooor…yooooou.
Jay:  I thought you’d be happy for me.
Matt:  Eh, actually I am, at least one of us isn't miserable weather-wise.
Jay:  We could talk about that this Sunday.
Matt:  Talk about what?

Jay:  Talk about this miserable winter FINALLY showing signs of departing.
Matt:  We could do that, because it’s suppose to moderate here next week.
Jay:  But then again, we should also talk about the happenings in Sochi.
Matt:  True…The Olympics will be winding down this Sunday.
Jay:  We should talk about how those fucking Norwegians are cheating their way to the top.
Matt:  I HATE the Norwegians, and their crimes against humanity within their prisons.

Jay:  Okay…We’ll talk weather and the Olympics.  Cool.
Matt:  But Jayman…This Monday is also President’s Day; we should touch on that as well.
Jay:  Yeah.  You’re right.  Okay we’ll do some funny Presidential stuff as well.
Matt:  Hail to the Funny!!
Jay:  We’ll impeach all of the President’s through humor.
Matt:  We’ll skewer them with four score and seven jokes.
Jay:  Okay, okay…save it for the show.
Matt:  Aight.

Jay:  Okay…We’ll talk weather, Olympics, and President’s Day.  Cool.
Matt:  And we should probably re-cap Valentine’s Day.
Jay:  Good point.  We'll figure out and report on how many millions of worthless dollars were spent.
Matt:  And get a body bag count of how many people died from a broken heart.

Jay:  Okay…We’ll talk weather, Olympics, President’s Day, and Valentine’s Day.  Cool.
Matt:  Wow…we’re going to be all over the place topic wise.
Jay:  I know…Hmmmmmm?  Maybe we need some help covering all of this.
Matt:  Well…I can ask Stubby Stonehenge, Phil Diller, Malcolm Eckstein, and Tammy Tibbles to weigh in.
Jay:  Excellent.  I’ll see if Dixie Ozark, Martin, Joshua, and maybe Aunt Jax are available.

Matt:  Holy Cow…This is going to be a huge and diverse show!!
Jay:  Just like our IWS Radio audience.
Matt:  It’s gonna be a veritable potpourri of information and laughter!!
Jay: It’s gonna be a Potpourri Extravaganza!!

Matt and Jay:  What a great title…Potpourri Extravaganza!!
Jay:  News!!
Matt:  Weather!!
Jay:  Sports!!

Matt:  I think we are more than ready.
Jay:  I know we are.
Matt:  We’re fucking geniuses…er…genii.
Jay:  It’s okay…geniuses sounds better.
Matt:  Word.
Jay:  Byyyyyyyyye.
Matt:  Byyyyyyyye.

Catch IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

We are going to cover everything that is happening on this Big Blue Marble of ours and cover you in laughter.

So to listen LIVE click HERE, and remember, you can always call-in at 661.244.9852.

See you Sunday on the radio!!     

Phyllis Diller's Brother Breaks Out The Punchlines

Hey there all you crazy guys and dolls. Phil Diller here for IWS Radio.

You’re probably asking yourself right now, “Who the hell is this guy?”

Well, I just told you…I’m Phil Diller.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

Seriously though…For the throngs of you who are unfamiliar as to who I am, I am the late Phyllis Diller’s obscure and un-publicly-recognized younger brother.

Hell, just check out Phyllis’ Wikipedia page...there is no reference to me whatsoever. You know why? Because when Phyllis was born, and they saw what she looked like?  My Dad shouted at my Mom…

“Look Honey, it’s the son we always wanted!!”, and they kept it that way.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

Seriously though…I was conceived during the October 14, 1937 FDR Fireside Chat on the Unemployment Census.  Hell…Mom and Dad both had jobs; it was a cold night in Lima, Ohio, and the President’s radio chat wasn't doing much to keep them warm, so they found an alternative source of heat.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime Uhhhhhhh!!

Anyway, during my days growing up in the Diller household, Mom, Dad, and my sister would tell me that I was just a stray that they picked up in their front yard on July 14, 1938 during an out of control Bastille Day Party.

“Why would a German/Irish family such as the Diller’s celebrate France?”

And he replied…

“We thought it would be our last time to make fun of the French before Hitler and that midget dago wiped them off the map.”

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

I never bought that line.

Anyway…Mom and Dad died when I was around eleven years old, but my sis Phyllis was working and kept me around.  She would always tell me…

“Phil, even though you are not my brother, I feel the need to take care of you, so…you can stay here and be my gardener.”

It was nice to have a place to stay, but the entire time that I’m out there busting up turf in order for Phyllis to plant her vegetable garden, I’m thinking…

“Listen, Bitch!!  My name is Phil DILLER, not Phil TILLER!!”

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhhh!!

Don’t get me wrong, as much as she and the entire family denied my familial bond, they did take care of me…well, until she died in 2012.

After my sister Phyllis died, her kids kicked me out of the gardener’s guest house and ass flung me straight to the curb.  I felt as though I was Ned Beatty getting my salad tossed in a Burt Reynolds’s flick and the movie was titled…

Diller-iverance.

HA!!  Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhh!!

So, I’m out on my own now, and I am incredibly grateful to Jay and Matt for bringing me on board the TEAM IWS chuck wagon so I can make a living.

I’m going to be there this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET on the IWS Radio Show with some funny President Day jokes, so don’t miss out, and don’t miss out on this Sunday’s show which you can catch live right HERE!!

Until then…Hy-Muh Lime-Uhhhhhhhh!!

Phil Diller

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

It's President's Day, Hail to the Chef!!

What better way to laud our Presidents than to create an Executive Office restaurant with a full menu of culinary delights in their honor?

So to wit, and heretofore…

Welcome to the best eatery anywhere…Air Force Yum.

Ready for breakfast? How about trying an Abra-Ham and Cheese Omelet? Instead of eating it along with boring slices of toast, try our Mary Todd Lincoln Crazy Bread.

If you phone ahead, you can even reserve the coveted John Wilkes booth.

Eggs not your first choice? Perhaps you are more of a pancake and sausage kind of person, and prefer JFK to Honest Abe. No problem...

Order a plate full of our Bay of Pigs in a Blanket. The cakes are fluffy and the sausage has a hint of Cuban spices. Bueno!!

You can always stop by for lunch as well.

If you like a good hamburger try our Cow-Vin Coolidge Burger. We cook the beef until well done so the meat doesn't make a sound. Silent Cal would have it no other way.

A well made Club Sandwich is increasingly hard to find, but not at our place. We use three layers of the best turkey, ham, roast beef, and the freshest tomato and lettuce in ours.

This is a giant sandwich inspired by a giant in American Politics, Franklin Roosevelt.

Order this, and the only thing your hunger will fear will be the deliciousness of our Cripple-Decker Club.

Maybe you’d like to nosh on a few appetizers. We got ’em. Try our Teddy Roosevelt inspired, Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fried Cheese Stick.

Another popular snack is our William McKinley Buffalo Wings. They are to die for.

Another appetizer was recently added in speculative honor of the man who may be elected President in 2016.  We are now offering deep-fried whale nuggets.  So ahoy and climb aboard, as you delight in our new, Crisp Christie Bites.

We have plenty of dinner entrees from which to choose as well. One popular dish is our Chester A. Arthur Mutton Chops. These mutton chops are big and delicious just like Chester’s…minus the hair.

Not a glutton for mutton?

A rising star on our dinner menu is the other white meat in the form of our uber-juicy James K. Polk Chops.

These chops are butterflied and stuffed with spinach, bleu cheese, and seasoned with copious amounts of obscurity. Who knew that our eleventh President tasted so good!?

We also offer tribute to former White House Wizard, George W. Bush. For a big, Texas-Sized appetite try our Iraq of Lamb. Upon trying this dish, President Bush said, “Dang, these is some good.”

We offer some great Italian fare too. Start off with our Benjaminestrone Harrison soup, followed by a James A. Garfield of Arugula salad, and top your repast off with our award winning Harry Trumanicotti.

Are you more a fan of seafood and Obama? We've got you covered. Try either our Oysters Barackerfeller or our Deep Fried Mishellfish Platter.

Ready for dessert?  Delight in our Andrew Johnson Impeachment Cobbler, Sherbet Hoover, or even our world renown Hasty Tasty Pasty Cakes in honor of our only gay President, James Buchanan.

Well there you have it, a menu fit for a President. And don't forget...

If you like the food here and want to come back again and again, sign up for huge discounts by purchasing our William H. Taft Frequent Diner Card.  And folks…

Celebrate President’s Day by having a cocktail at Air Force Yum, as well.

We mix blue vodka, a splash of sweet Vermouth, a dram of Manischewitz, a shot of ego, and voila…

Mmmmm...I love a good Bill Clintini in the morning. Happy Presidents Day!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Matt Said, Jay Said 21613

Matt whimpers…Jay moans…You get their assisted living rooms ready.

Matt:  Hellooooo?
Jay:  Wait a minute…(garbled noise) (more garbled noise) Okay…Hi.
Matt:  What the hell were you doing?  Stuffing a dead hooker in your fridge?
Jay:  I was tryi----
Matt:  Hold on…my boss is calling me, I’ll you alert as to when he is done.
Jay:  Okay.

(five minutes pass, Jay calls back)

Matt:  Howdy.
Jay:  Could you answer your damn phone?
Matt:  I just did.
Jay:  I mean on the first ring.
Matt:  Hell no…I’m old, and my kidneys hurt.  Takes me awhile to get to it.
Jay:  Alright.
Matt:  How’s your back?
Jay:  It has felt like shit since I put together that table this week.
Matt:  Whatafuckingshame…What are we going to talk about on Saturday’s show?

Jay:  I was going to ask you.
Matt:  Well…I had two thoughts.
Jay:  Wow, that’s impressive…and unprecedented.
Matt:  Cute…Either, Open Phone Line Saturday, or a President’s Day show type thing and...
Jay:  Giving up Rose and Steel Reserve has made you more lucid, but I dunno, those ideas seem a bit….
Matt:  Orrrrrr…We could talk about guys who are afraid to give up Pepsi for Lent.

Jay:  I loooooove the Open Phone Line Saturday idea.
Matt:  Yeah. I mean the President’s Day thing would be good, but…
Jay:  But who really cares?
Matt:  Exactly…we want numbers and ratings.
Jay:  Damn right, we’re not beneath putting quantity before quality.
Matt:  Never have been.
Jay:  Never will.

Matt:  We can encourage listeners to call-in and get whatever is on their chest, off their chest.
Jay:  They could speak their mind about the Russian meteor, Chuck Hagel, or the State of the Union.

Matt:  They could chime in on Oscar Pistorius the legless sprinter who killed his girlfriend.
Jay:  Frankly, I am stumped as to why he did that.
Matt:  IKR?
Jay:  We could open up the phone lines for opinions on Christopher Dorner, and what constitutes a cabin.
Matt:  Excellent!!  We could also talk about the fact that today is Singles Awareness Day.

Jay:  It’s what?  Sing---?
Matt:  Singles Awareness Day.  After Valentine’s Day, single people have their special day.
Jay:  Oh wow…I didn't know that.
Matt:  Well now you do, so I guess in this case, an “Awareness Day” actually worked.
Jay:  How ‘bout that?  Fascinating.  I’ll make sure to nuke a special Hormel Meal for One today.

Matt:  So I guess we’re set.  Hope the listeners support our efforts and call-in, but if not…
Jay:  If not, we have plenty of magic with which to work our speculative comedy.
Matt:  Alrighty then. I will see you on the air at 11 PM ET tonight!!
Jay:  Yep…Provided my back doesn't go out again.
Matt:  And my kidney pain doesn't flare back up.
Jay and Matt:  I think we’re ready for Open Line Saturday!!

If you’d like to listen in, and or call-in LIVE TONIGHT at 11 PM ET on the IWS Open Line Radio Show you can click right : HERE
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