Getting Clean And Sober With Jesus Christ

With the help of their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang got clean and sober for nearly 93 minutes on last Sunday's show, and if you missed it LIVE, you can catch all of the quasi non-alcoholic hilarity right c'here...

Gretchen Carlson Hates Starbucks But Loves IWS Radio

Hi folks...Gretchen Carlson here for IWS Radio and while the holidays are yet a few days away from
kicking off, The Annual War on Christmas has already begun.

Starbucks in their infinite, secular wisdom have decided to remove all Christian symbols from their Holiday cups. That's right...

No longer will the birth of Christ be celebrated with red cups harking snowflakes, snowmen, ornaments, nor holly leaves, and I...Am...OUTRAGED!!

On top of that, holiday travel plans have to be made...winter clothes need to be washed...

The Thanksgiving menu needs to be planned, and liquor cabinets need to be fully stocked to fuel the petty and forthcoming family feuds. But worry not my fellow soldiers of Christ.

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team have a jam packed show in store this Sunday from 8 PM ET-10 PM ET to help you survive the onslaught of secularism, and help you navigate the turbulent holiday waterways. Take a look...

The Holidays are fast approaching and that means it's time for Matt and Jay to help folks deal with the pressures and stress of family and travel. We're gonna give you some tips on how to make your travel much easier and more enjoyable. Plus, we know that there really is such a thing as too much family time so we'll help you out with that too.

The Holidays also mean several other important things. The weather is turning colder and it won't be long before global warming is proven to be a hoax when it gets bitterly cold and snows in the northern parts of the U.S. We'll help you prepare for the White Death! Most importantly the Holidays mean the War on Christmas is raging once again. Starbucks fired the first salvo of 2015 with their offensive red cups. Needless to say Donald Trump is all over this outrage and he'll be here to discuss it.

And it's almost time for Jay to make his annual trip to beautiful, mysterious and exotic Omaha, Nebraska for Thanksgiving. Matt and Jay have some strong opinions on Thanksgiving foods and holiday treats and we will share those with you this week too. All this plus Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf and the IWS Players will be along to make everyone laugh, think and cry as always. All this and YOUR CALLS!

Sounds to me that these two studs are on the ball and are going to help us all out. So...

Join Jay and Matt LIVE this Sunday from 8 PM ET-10 PM ET as IWS Radio presents: Holiday Season 2015: The Red Cup Menace

You can catch all the action LIVE or later in archives by clicking HERE.

Person of the Week: The Easter Bunny!

Of course the Easter Bunny is the IWS Person of the Week for this week. How could he not be?

The Easter Bunny is friendly

The Easter Bunny is happy

The Easter Bunny is gentile

The Easter Bunny is patriotic

The Easter Bunny is sexy as hell!

Congrats to the Easter Bunny on being named the IWS Person of the Week!

Also, don't forget to join us for "Jesus Christ: Rebel Without a Cross" on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET! We're gonna blow the lid off the Easter Industrial Complex. Or something like that.

IWS Person of the Week...Satan!!

Happy Halloween season and who better to be the IWS Person of the Week than none other than that man of macabre mysticism and netherworld narcissism known as Satan!?

That's right, Mr. Satan...be he known as Satan, The Devil, Lucifer, or Nimrod...Satan is the dirty bomb, and our IWS Person of the Week.

Sure, he can appear to be creepy as he truly is...

But he has noteworthy powers such as taking on the looks of anyone or anything he desires.  Sometimes he shape shifts himself into a singular human being...

When this happens, sometimes, little children find him incredibly cute...

Once in a great while, he will appear to a doting public as a mere two-headed hydra of adorable proportions...

And then again, with anti-Christ hate deep within his non-soul, Satan often appears as an ill-informed and unholy trio as he mocks not only the Holy Trinity itself, but common sense as well...

So...Here's to Satan as we make him our IWS Person of the Week.  The Devil's Food Cake cake is on us.

And for more Halloween frivolity...Join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players as they celebrate all things ghoulish during their Halloween Spooktacular and Boobie Show LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Listen LIVE and call-in at 661.244.9852 and celebrate Halloween with the funniest show on the BTR Network.

To listen LIVE click HERE!!

IWS Person of the Week...Lepus Curpaeums

Happy Easter everyone.  In honor of this most joyous day of messianic resurrection, the staff of IWS Radio is proud to name the person who is responsible for this celebration made possible, today's IWS Person of the Week.

The Easter Bunny, or as we refer to him at IWS Radio HQ...

The Lepus Curpaeums Who Saved Jesus!!

For centuries after rescuing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ from a tomb of obscurity, the Easter Bunny has continued to work miracles and spread the gospel of Jesus joy to millions of children.  Children such as these two adorable ragamuffins...

And this precocious scalawag...

Some children initially rebuke the Easter Bunny's message of truth and righteousness...

But in the end, they too, come to love him...

So here's to Lepus Curpaeums also known as The Easter Bunny, The Reason for the Season, and now known as, The IWS Person of the Week.  Congrats!!

IWS Easter joy doesn't end with this post.  Oh Hell No!!  Join Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio team as we celebrate Easter LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Rev. Moneymaker, Paul Piatt, Phil Diller and Jesus Christ will be on hand as they throw down the funny. Annnnnnnd, even bigger than Christ himself?  Guy Ahnyurdyck interviews the Easter Bunny.  That's quality entertainment at a fair price right there!!

Jay and Matt will also being calling prayer lines as well as various foreign embassies including the Vatican so they can wish Pope Francis a Happy Easter.

All that plus your calls today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on the IWS Radio.

Celebrate the Christ with us LIVE today by clicking HERE.

Son of God: The Movie

Hiya Chuckleheads…This is the Matt-Man, and today I am spreading the good news of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

That’s right…Just like the parishioner patriots over at FOX News, I am here today to tout the forthcoming movie that revolves around Messianic miracles…a movie so SHOCKING, yet inspiring, and never before seen on screen…

The movie to which I refer?

Son of God.

Damn right…The 20th Century Fox movie, Son of God, based upon the successful HBO miniseries, The Bible, will be released this Friday, February 28th in theaters nationwide.

Son of God is produced by legendary TV guy, Mark Burnett, and his quasi-hot, actress wife, Roma Downey, of Touched by an Angel fame…

Well?  For some strange reason, the FOX News network is all over this, and have invited the Jesus producing couple onto their network nativity 24/7 the past few days, in order to promote the Son of God movie.

I understand the network promoting a movie by a sibling company, but Jesus Christ, FOX News has been all over the release of this movie like the lips of Judas upon the Son of God’s cheek.  And…FOX’s coverage is nearly as wet and grotesque.

The other night, Sean Hannity had a forty member or so “focus group” on his show, in order to critique the Son of God film which they were allowed to preview.

The focus group, made up of diverse right-wing Christian Conservatives such as Sean Hannity himself, gave it eighty thumbs up!!

I would have thought there might have been at least one Judas in the “diverse” focus group who only gave it one thumb up, but…no.  Praise Jeebus!!

I know…I know…

FOX News is praising this movie because it allows them to sing to the choir of their demographics.  Right-wing…Christian…God-Fearing people who everyday hear from FOX News, that Christians are day by sad Muslim loving day, being diminished, discriminated against, and ostracized, because well…

The 2-8% of non-Christians in America have been, and continue to, deface nativity scenes, kick Santa Claus out of cancer centers, and have sucked the once-powerful truth serum of laying one’s hands on the Bible prior to giving testimony during a court proceeding.

Fucking non-Christian antagonists!!

I understand where Hannity and FOX News are coming from.  They talk about how that Liberal snake-pit of Hollywood has failed to release a movie about the life of Jesus from birth to resurrection since the Greatest Story Ever Told was released some 49 years ago.

Oh sure, there have been more than a few dozen movies about Jesus in the meantime, but none that have covered his entire life from manger to ascension…and like most of my fervent Christian friends like Sean Hannity and William Donohue, I too, have found that troubling.

Not a day has gone by since 1965 that I haven’t cursed Hollywood for not making an updated, uber complete, life of Jesus movie.  It’s what I longed for, ever since FOX News told me to.

Ha…whatever.

FOX News exists in order to generate ratings and revenues like any other network, and currently they are doing it by playing the Son of God movie angle to their viewers.

That’s fine by me…however, I do have a bone to pick about this movie being heralded by FOX News to be the ENTIRE story of Jesus…

Jesus is supposed to come back one day; so, the movie is not complete, nor his story over.  And if, and when, the J-Man does come back…

Will he appreciate you guys at FNC exploiting his good will in order to pump up your ratings?

I don’t fucking think so.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Person of the Week: Jesus Christ!

IWS Radio is proud to announce that our Person of the Week is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Prince of Peace himself …. Jesus Christ!!

Jesus was born a really long time ago in Bethlehem (or Nazarene or Galilee or whatever) sometime between early fall and late spring, but we celebrate his birthday on December 25^th!!

Jesus was a great guy who liked to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable. He turned water into wine then got drunk and tipped over the bingo tables and drove out the money changers. Then he went and hung out with the strippers and hookers and other sinners. (Just like Jayman does!)

He is also the all-time Hide-and-Seek champion of the WORRLLLLLLDDDD!

So, from all us here at IWS Radio, a very sincere and heartfelt Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Don’t forget to join us for a Holly Jolly Festivus as we continue to celebrate Christmas and throw in a little Festivus at 12 Noon ET on IWS Radio!!!

Jesus Christ People, Leave Me Alone!

Hola to all the true believers, nonbelievers and everyone in between! Jesus People have really stepped up their game here in Redneckville over the last couple of weeks. I’ve been getting lots of church flyers on my door and even a few on my car which really annoys me. It’s supposed to be against the rules here at the Palatial Estates for people to go door-to-door or put fliers on cars but if anyone tries to run them off they’ll be accused of supporting El Diablo, Al Qaeda and/or Barack Obama. Of course most people here think Obama IS an Al Qaeda supporting Anti-Christ anyway.

Lately though, the Jesus People have gotten much more aggressive than just leaving flyers.  A couple of weeks ago a man and woman showed up at my door on a Saturday at 11 am hoping to talk to me about Jesus. They were from the Baptist Church which is the Big Dog of churches here in town. They pretty much dominate everything.

Anyhoodle, these two banged on my door and when I answered immediately handed me this little Jesus booklet talking about not just the history of Jesus, but the entire 6,000 year history of Earth. The highlight was the Eternal Life Birth Certificate…

Just fill it out and keep it with you at all times because that’s your ticket to Heaven! Just show St. Peter that and he will step aside and let you right in. Hell … er … Heck, you won’t even have to stand in line OR watch the orientation and safety video if you have one of those with ya.

After they handed me the booklet they attempted to invite themselves in so they could sit down, have a glass of lemon iced tea and talk Jesus with me. I politely yet firmly stood my ground and told them to have a nice day. The nerve of those people! Trying to come into my home and talk Jesus shit when there was college football on!

There was another Jesus related incident today. I had just finished my weekly shopping trip to Aldi and was returning my cart like a good member of society would when a woman walked right up to me and handed me yet another Jesus booklet while saying “Hello! You should read this.” Then she turns and walks off.

So this is how people are spreading the good word now? Harassing people in their own homes and accosting them in grocery store parking lots? Really? REALLY?!

I’m all for freedom of religion and I consider myself a Christian, but I’m also for freedom FROM religion. I shouldn’t be harassed both in public and at home by people who seem to believe that not only am I in need of saving but arrogantly believe that THEY have been chosen by God to do so.

I’ve never been a big fan of organized religion and don’t believe that you have to go to church every week or even ever to be a good Christian. In fact, I’ve found lots of churches that are full of really bad, fake Christians. So many people feel that just showing up for an hour or so every Sunday plus on Christmas Eve and hating gays is all it takes to get into Heaven.

I do know lots of people who have found great churches to attend and become involved in. They find lots of comfort in going to church and their church is like a family. That’s awesome! I’m very happy for them and honestly sometimes would like to find that too. Unfortunately that just doesn’t exist here in Redneckville.

Seriously though Jesus people, let me watch college football and do my grocery shopping in peace.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Resurrecting My Virginity

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and Happy Holy Thursday to you all.

And…it is very appropriate that I am writing what I am about to write on Holy Thursday because Holy Thursday marks the day that Jesus washed the feet of others and had his last supper.

I think…hmmm?

Maybe it was the day that he cured the blind man of his deafness…Y’know?

I get all of his acts of kindness and miracles mixed up, anyhoo…let’s assume this was the day of his washing of the feet thing and his last supper.  Okay?

Great, and thanks…

Early last week, I wrote about how I was has having writer’s block and in a kind of creative malaise.  I blamed various things.  I blamed other people…the weather…society…and to a much lesser degree, myself.

Well folks, I think I have put my finger, or in this instance, my right hand on the problem.

It’s sex, or more accurately, the lack of sex.

See? As many of you know, my BFF/OSP Schmoop took ill back in October, and while she is doing fine and now operating at 90-95% efficiency as a human being, we haven’t had sex in nearly six months.

This my friends, has weighed heavily upon my mind.  Some days, I can’t eat.  I can’t be myself.  I can’t write, because all I think about is how long it has been since I have had sex.  It’s debilitating!!

Some days go by that all I think about is, when is the next time that I’m going to get little sumpin sumpin’ from Schmoop!!?

That thought has brought my creative genius to its once prolific knees.  So…

I have decided that since being a witty writer and international internet radio show guy is who I am and want I to continue to be, the only way that I can remain to be that guy, is to give up sex in perpetuity, so that this current and cancerous thought of needing, yet not having sex, no longer clouds my once fertile mind.

I think I can do it, no…I KNOW I can do it.  Hell, it’s been six months already, what’s another six years?

Hell, in six years, my nuts will be suffering from rug burn, and my three inch dick will be three foot long but only one centimeter in circumference.  It’ll be looking like a Crazy Straw, and really?  Who wants to have sex with a Crazy Straw?

Man!!  I am feeling refreshed and re-invigorated already as I get this off of my newly sexless chest!!  This is awesome!!

Of course…I am going to have be strong and there will be a couple of minor changes that need to take place during my celibacy.

It’s going to be difficult to watch Schmoop cavort around the digs in a state of half-nakedness.  It’s going to be hard not to get excited when Jo pops into the IWS Radio chat room briefly prior to her leaving when she finds that she is still getting no audio.

And…the big change?

I currently call Schmoop my BFF/OSP (Occasional Sex Partner), unfortunately that will have to change and thanks to Jayman, I do have a new title for Schmoop…She will now be known as my…

BFF/FSP (Former Sex Partner)…I think that designation has a certain elegance and panache about it, which is rare.

As is my creative genius, which ironically in its rediscovered virginal state, can now once again go forth and multiply.

This has been the new Matt-Man who is reclaiming, rediscovering, and resurrecting his virginity saying unto you on this holiest of Thursdays…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

MSJS...A.D. 2013

Matt O’Speaks…Jay O’Speaks…You, O’Lis…

Stop It!!  Stop It!!…You tandem of secular, Baby Jesus hating sunzabitches!!  William Donahue, President of the Catholic League here, and I am going to put a stop to your sacrilegious shenanigans, and your Christphobic phhhhhhornication of the Holy Spirit.

It’s my turn to speak, and I am speaking on behalf of the 1.2 Billion Catholics, and by proxy, speaking on behalf of the billions of less holy, non-Catholic “Christians.”

Do you two Goddam nut jobs have anywhere close to that number of followers?  Hell no you don’t…you…you, rage against the Deus ex Machina bastards.

I saw your post about His Holiness Pope Francis I on Thursday, and to wanted smack you upside your simple and symbiotic heads with a bag full of hot nickels and piss Holy Water all over you twos.  And now…

I find out that you twos freakin’ amoral sunzabitches have scheduled a two hour long Blog Talk Radio Show on St. Patrick’s Day, this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET!!

WTF?  Only having forty-five minutes of bashing Jesus of Nazarene hasn’t been enough for you?

Oh yeah, I also read on your BTR promo where this Sunday’s is going to be a good time as you “celebrate” the venerable St. Patrick, but I know what is truly going to come out of the bowels of you twos during those two hours…

Heresy!!

You’ll make fun of stroke victims like Kirk Douglas, have some gay guy named Joshua give a report from the Babylon that is Hollywood.  You’ll mock Pope Francis I, make fun of Catholics and the Papacy, and knowing you guys, you’ll trash the likes of fine Christians like Dick Morris…Heathens!!

What else will you be airing funny boys?  Poetry from that patch on his elbows wearing Paul Piatt?  Is Matt-Man gonna sing off key again?  Is Slyder Balzcock gonna report on the All-Ireland Hurling finals and turn it into something dirty?

Oh, you two are a load…A load of anti-Messianic HATE!!

Hell at least the goddamn Jews and Romans only killed Christ once, you twos seem to do it every goddamn day!!  If I were Christ, and I think I am, I would rather spend two hours bleeding on the cross rather than listening to you twos IWS Radio Show this St. Patrick’s Day from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

I’m not going to listen to your show this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET, but I want everyone else to listen, and you know why?

I want them to discover what virulent, God-Hating, Anti-Christ Loving joke tellers you are.  I want them to see and hear the truth about you twos.

So my flock…In case you missed the obvious links in this post about these twos, you can catch their show Sunday the 17th from Noon-2 PM ET by clicking HERE.

Damn their souls…Damn Them!!

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,

Bill Donahue

Christians of Convenience

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads…

We are already a full week into Lent and before you know it, many will be celebrating the fact that Jesus dangled from a cross, got stuffed into a cave, and then a couple days later walked back out in order to roam the Earth for awhile, pick up some Chinese food, and then head up the astral staircase to lounge about with his dad for all eternity.

What a great time to be a Christian!!

Of course…anytime is a great time to be a Christian, well…provided it doesn’t interfere with one’s personal moral compass, or their bigotry, or their intolerance, or…their whoring, their judging, their hypocrisy, their…well, you get the picture.

Yes indeed, even more so than at Christmas, during the Easter season there are Christians, Christians all around, yet not a drop of grace to drink.

Certainly, there are plenty of people who call themselves Christians and proudly sashay down the runway of pretentiousness draped in bejeweled trappings of haughtiness and a tiara or top hat of arrogance, acting as though they had just been named Mr./Miss Jesus Christ is Lord 2013, but…

Beneath the saintly veneer of these self-regaling righteous ones, exists the anti-soul of the Devil, and persons who have no time for beatitudinal details.

Take my neighbor, Little Jimmy Stewart for instance…Claims to be a devout Catholic…a devout Christian. Believes in in God, guns, and his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Hell, he reminds me of Lt. Kendrick in A Few Good Men, albeit an out of shape Lt. Kendrick.

Seriously, ol’ Jimmy thinks of himself as a follower of Christ, so much that, he has scorned and chastised me for often using Christ as a comedy tool. “That’s not funny. You make fun of Jesus, and you are going to Hell.”

Two things about that…First of all, Jimmy boy has no sense of humor, because like it or not, using the purity and sanctity of Jesus and twisting it into something gross, sexual, and/or amoral is fucking funny, and secondly?

People like Jim, and there are plenty, shouldn’t tell me how offensive I am being by making Jesus jokes when their Facebook pages are littered with nothing but bigoted posts, anti-gay posts, Obama is a non-citizen nigger posts, and holding weenie roasts/Quran burnings like Jim did a couple of 9/11’s ago.

Hypocrisy I tellz ya…Hypocrisy in its basest and most definable form, and the pity is, most of them never see it, because, Jesus loves them this they know for their ignorance tells them so.

Hell I know a couple of women, one in particular.  She has the perfect family, the perfect marriage, goes to church religiously, and scorns me for not going to Church and like Jim, berates me for having some occasional comedic fun with the Holy Baby Jeebus. She too, has in the past, told me that I am going to Hell.

She’s really amazing because let me tell you, between her sinful vanity sessions of having her capped teeth cleaned, her manufactured tits adjusted, and giving blow jobs to the barber across town who is not her husband, I have no idea how the hell she has any time left in the day to judge me!!  But by golly, I guess the Lord gives her 25 hours in a day because…She’s a Christian!!

Uuch…

Listen folks.  It’s fine to call oneself a Christian.  I do, however…I admit my mistakes, my failings, my transgressions, and more often that not, publicly.  On Facebook.  Or on the air.  Or on here. Sometimes to Jayman’s chagrin…Anyhoo…

Here’s my Lenten message to all of you self-proclaimed Christians who rationalize your shortcomings and eat from the body of Christ ala carte…

Quit being such phony fucks.  There is no shame in failing as a human being and sinning here and there, but to pretend that you don’t, that is the greatest sin of all, because when you do that, you never seek forgiveness, and more importantly, you never change your ways.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
.

Matt Said...Jay Said XXXIII

Jay loquitur….Matt loquitur.  You…audire.

Jayman:  Hellooooooooo, is the lady of the hou---?
Matt-Man:  Man, this sucks.
Jayman:  What does?  That I called?  You told me to call you...you passive-aggressive little man, you.
Matt-Man:  No, no, no...that we have to do our show prepination on Friday nights now.

Jayman:  Well…If Drive-By Mikey would stop changing your hours and you wouldn’t take your kid out to breakfast, all would be on schedule.
Matt-Man:  Well…I have no choice when it comes to Mike, but my kid needs me.
Jayman:  You are the last thing Ryno needs.
Matt-Man:  Huh…That’s exactly what his mom says.

Jayman:  So Sunday’s show…The big Easter Extravaganza!!  Woo Hoo!!
Matt-Man:  Gonna be huge…What should we talk about?
Jayman:  Oh I don’t know…Easter stuff.
Matt-Man:  See?  That’s why you are a marketing genius.
Jayman:  Oh hush.  I don’t take compliments well.
Matt-Man:  Are you blushing?
Jayman:  Oh Hell no…I encourage compliments. I probably don’t get as many as I deserve.

Matt-Man:  We can talk about Easter memories from our childhoods.
Jayman:  That’s always a crowd pleaser.  We could also talk about the significance of Easter itself.
Matt-Man:  Exactly…We like to have fun, but be historically accurate and informational as well.
Jayman:  Right…and that is why we should shine the light on those who we deem to be God-Awful Christians.
Matt-Man;  Damn right…Some people take God’s name in vain, just by waking up in the morning.
Jayman:  Exactly…There are some alleged “Christians” who should simply be shot.  Just sayin’.
Matt-Man:  Word.

Jayman:  Sounds like a great show…Jay, Matt, and Jesus.  What the Hell could be better?
Matt-Man:  Damn right…Oh, and we could talk about what we are having for our Easter feasts.

Jayman:  Well, you’re pretty much having any dough like substance that doesn’t move, aren’t ya?
Matt-Man:  Oh yeahhhhhh, but that does NOT include Newt Gingrich…and you?
Jayman:  I’m keeping that under wraps until the show, baby.
Matt-Man:  Once again with the clever marketing, you stud, you.

Jayman:  Well, I guess we’re set.
Matt-Man:  I guess we are.
Jayman:  Okay then…
Matt-Man:  Alright…
Jayman:  Hang up now.
Matt-Man:  No, you hang up first.
Jayman:  Let’s hang up together
Matt-Man:  Okay
Jayman:  One…
Matt-Man: Two…
Schmoop (from the Bagwine dining room table):  Hang the damn phones up you insufferable Marys!!
Jayman and Matt-Man:  Hee...“click”

So guys and gals, join Jayman and Matt-Man tomorrow, Easter Sunday on I’m With Stupid as they break down all things resurrection related on their big Easter Extravaganza.

That’s tomorrow, Easter Sunday, live at 12 Noon ET on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

Oh…Need a link to the live show?  It’s in your Easter basket right…HERE!!

Cheers!!

"Christians" Ain't Got A Clue

“You need to give your life over to Christ.”

While in the throes of Super Happy Hole-ly Jesus Week™,  I posted on Facebook, Monday, that I wanted to have a sex change and become a lesbian porn star…

In reference to my remark, the aforementioned comment was internettally uttered toward me in the form of a Facebook comment by a woman whom I can only assume, professes herself to be a Christian.

While my response to her was something along the lines of, “Jesus and I are tight.”, I really wanted to say to her…

“Blow me you presumptuous bitch with the Glamour Shot picture.  How do you know that I am not one with The Lord, and secondly, what does your declarative statement actually mean?”

Does “giving my life to Christ” involve giving up smoking, drinking, out of wedlock sex, and refraining from making jokes about having a sex change and becoming a lesbian porn star?

Well…in the eyes of the woman who said this and many other “Christians”, yes, yes it does…However…

None of that shit makes a bit of difference in the eyes of The Almighty nor His Righteous, yet Bastard Offspring, Jesus Christ.

Nope.

In Matthew 5:3-12, we learn what the J-Man and his Pappy are all about.

Helping the poor.  Comforting those who mourn.  Lifting up the meek.  Refreshing those who hunger and thirst, and so on.

The Beatitudes people…The great Sermon on the Mount.  Those are words and directives that matter, and I try to adhere to that philosophy every damn day.

The chick who commented, “You need to give your life over to Jesus Christ.” probably doesn’t understand any of that.  And, she is not alone.

Many “Christians” think that the only way to heaven is to read a text that they do not understand, go to church on Sundays and well…sometimes Wednesdays, and most importantly, judge others.

These folks who lie moribund in their theology, doctrine, and ideology, think that stoicism and respectful silence are the pathways to Heaven.

Ha…Christ was a rebel!!

Jesus Christ was the James Dean of the First Century AD!!

He had a sense of humor…He ultimately took down an Empire…He turned water into wine, all the while saying, “Dig this; watch what I can do, Paul!!”

And they lauuuuuughed…

Far too many “Christians” like the commenter I mention, are stolid, inertiated, ass clowns who don’t see the true joy and will of Christ.

Christ isn’t a pretentious fella.  He’s a rad ass maniac who makes things happen, and hangs out with hookers, betrayers, and thieving tax collectors.

Christ doesn’t care what the hell one does, as long as they hurt no other, help when they can, and follow his sermon.  And yeah…

It’s that simple.

Following or not following the teachings of Christ cannot be summated and dissolved into a stupid lesbian sex change joke.

Following or not following his teachings is summed up by the lives we lead.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmaniws

Jesus Is Lord!! Not An Expletive, You Sunzabitches!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I mainly try to use them as a form of emphasis but I must admit, oft times I use them simply to be rude.

Anyhoo, IWS fans…

It is Super Happy Hole-ly Jesus Week ™ here on I’m With Stupid and as we countdown to the resurrection of Jesus, I thought I should cut back or refrain from cussing altogether.

This special holy week, I hope to avoid using any form of the word “fuck”, especially the phrase, “Jesus Fucking Christ.”

It wasn’t just my idea, nooooooo.

Jesus hizzelf told me to try to clean up my language during HIS special week.

He said unto me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please…try to avoid using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd.

Well trust me, it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and Christ would shout at John in Greek, insults like this...

“John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy."

And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ Dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; but go and sin no more, ye of the open legs and bitter herb crotch.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him, he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, sinning’, cuntmuppet.  She’s been cashin’ in on me and my daddy for years.  Bitch got no scruples.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says that.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jesus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language…especially as I stated, any phrase that uses HIS name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad, savior bastardizing language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

I trust that I can stay profanity free lo these last six days…

Oh well, I am doing well on giving up bread for Lent.  Can’t win em’ all.

*Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus  Praise Jesus* 

Yesterday on the IWS Radio Show, Jayman and I interviewed Dana and Mike.  Dana is 47 and Mike is 27, and let me tell ya, there’s a freaky age inappropriate relationship spilling over with those two.  To get all the juicy, lewd, and lascivious details you can listen in the archives:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

We hope you do...It was actually a good time, and at least the younger of the love struck interviewees seemed to have his head on straight.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
neshobadude@yahoo.com
@mattmanIWS

Jesus Christ Resurrected and So Am I

I had a bad week last week, and this week was starting off with a stench of a mood as well, however…

When I am in a bad mood or a funk, there are three things to which I retreat, until things improve.

The first source of comfort and equilibrium inducing harmony?

Pictures of Mindy Silvers:

The second?  Bacon…

And the third thing that comforts me, is my love for music.

Yeah, I know…Sometimes I may seem to be a complete Visigoth who has no more appreciation for the arts than Rick Santorum does for a hot, drunk chick who is taking birth control, however...

When I get really low down, I write poetry, polemics, and most of all…music.

And when Easter is but a full moon and two days away, I write music about my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. So let it be written; so let it be done…I have re-crafted a good song for you today.

Ladies and Gentlemen…The Resurrection of Jesus Christ…with Music and a Video.  Say Amen!!

And folks, if that wasn’t enough entertainment for you, Jayman and I did a radio show yesterday…Uh-Huh…none of ya showed for the show, but Jo, but we did it, and it was hilarious.

So if you’d like to listen as we made fun of Romney, Santorum, Paula Deen, and a cast of other stupid people while having a picnic, you can listen here:

                                                                                                       

A nice, pleasant to read, and hear post that is easy on the eyes, as we begin another Daylight Saving Time season.

I personally, and on behalf of IWS, would like to thank the uber-lovely Miss Silvers for agreeing to appear on our website today and being a good, non-uptight person.

Have a great week, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws

Lent 2012: Catholics Are Pussies

“He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter.” 

--Ben Franklin

Damn right bitches…

The 18th Century Rock Star who was Ben Franklin, as always, had his electrified kite flying right when he flew that little nugget of home spun ecumenical philosophity into the thunderstorm of religiosity.

Anyhoo…Today is Fat Tuesday, Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day, or as many know this day…Mardi Gras.

Today marks, especially for ye of the Catholic faith, the prequel to the solemn 46 day period of penitence and self-denial leading up to the celebration of the resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday, which this year falls on April 8th.

Ha…Seriously?  Solemn?  Penitence?  Self-Denial?  Pffffft…

Just as hard as many a Catholic Priest has gone down on an unsuspecting underage schoolboy, the Catholic Church has simplified and wimpified Lent to the MMth degree.

Back when I was a wee lad and being raised Catholic, Lent meant giving up something which I liked.

It meant sacrifice and self denial in order to figuratively mirror the sacrifice that Christ made as he wandered the desert for forty days prior to beginning his ministry here on Earth.

Today?

The Catholic Church eschews sacrifice during Lent.

Blitzkrieg Benny would rather you did something nice for the poor, the destitute, and those type of folks whom I, and others make fun of everyday, in order to honor Lent and the J-Man’s 40 day trek through an un-Godly desert.

Fuck Vobiscum, that!!

Hell’s Fire…The change in the attitude toward Lent may have been my breaking point between my soul and the Catholic Church.  Okay, maybe not…

My breaking point with the Catholic Church was when I turned 18 and said to myself…

“Mom and Dad can’t do a damn thing to me now other than shake their head at me if I don’t go to Church.”

And so it was, I was no longer going to church…a church like many other churches of like and similar denominations, that attempts to dictate one’s belief system.

Me?

I know the Bible.  I know the Bible as well, if not better, than most evangelists, “prophets”, and born-again nut job self-promoters, like the hideous and doomed to Hell, Joyce Meyer.

And my friends…That is where I seek my solace at times.  Even if I didn’t believe in God or Jesus Christ, I would still read the Bible because it is a philosophical roadmap to the destination of being a good person.

But remember…It is a roadmap that while, “from the voice of God and Jesus Christ” is one that has been edited by man.  Or in the case of the Catholic Church…by men.

I find it funny that while the words of Christ and his Apostles have remained constant forever, church dogma sways, it shifts…it redirects.

It started changing the words of Christ some years ago at Nicene, and has always evolved or more accurately, devolved, to meet its own needs.

The Church kept the books of Thomas the Contender and Mary Magdalene out of the Bible.  Pope Gregory made Mary Magdalene out to be a whore.  The Church sought money in exchange for Penance.

That arrogant and hierarchical attitude exists still today in many Churches, and yet…

While not a Catholic for years, nor a member of any organized church, I will observe Lent by giving up something I love.

This year, as I have in the past, give up bread, pasta, and most other carbohydrate type foods.

That alone, won’t win me a place in Heaven, but it will make me feel that I, have done something that is typically beyond me.

And dig it…

I, unlike Catholics who are allowed Sundays off during their sacrifice that they are no longer required to give, will do it on Sundays as well.

Pussies.

Cheers, 

Matt-Man

email:  neshobadude@yahoo.com
Twitter:  @mattmaniws