Matt's Least Favorite Words

Cheers Chuckleheads…Continuing the continuity of our posts this week…As Jayman posted yesterday his least favorite words, I shall today, offer unto you-ins, my least favorite words.

So, heretofore, and to wit, are Matt-Man’s least favorite words…

Panties:  I tried and tried not to duplicate Jayman, but I hate this word so much, and with such fervor, that I cannot allow it to go unreplicated.  Sure, I enjoy from time to time wearing Schmoop’s underwear, but that is exactly what they are. Underwear…or as Jay called them, skivvies.  The word “panties” gives me a serious case of the goo.

Bologna:  It’s lunch meat folks.  There is no sense, even if it is spelled pretentiously, to call baloney, Buh-Lo-Nuh.  If I hear a person refer to the poor man’s steak as, Buh-Lo-Nuh, I turn red, piss my pants, and look for a baloney rind with which to strangle them.

Pro-Active:  Uuuuuuuch!!  Pro-Active literally (sorry Jay) means for action, but you know what? Most people who claim to be Pro-Active, typically want to hold a meaningless meeting and talk about the action of which they are for, yet nothing ever comes of it.

Sorghum:  It’s a fucking grass…a grass that can be turned into a molasses type fodder thing.  Ick…Say it. Sorrrrrr Gummmmm.  Merely on the level of pronunciation, it's an icky and sticky word.  I bet sorghum is a big commodity down in Jay’s part of the woods, but I would never hold that against him.

Breast(s):  Seriously?  Breasts?  They’re boobs…tits…fun bags!!  To hell with the clinical and sterile term, breast.  They can spurt out milk and are fun to play with.  Boobs and/or Tits, are much better names for such a jocular and happiness yielding creation.

Another thing that Jayman mentioned yesterday…Sammy, addy, and pressie.  In that vein, I would like to add another…“Bestie”.

“I want to show you all a picture of my newest bestie.”  You mean your new best friend?

How’s about I pour a gallon of fucking sorghum all over you and your "bestie's" bodies and place you both on a fire ant colony you idiot!?  Fuckin’“bestie”.

Hitler:  Oh Dear God!!  I think I like Adolf Hitler more than all of these present day politicians and political pundits who invoke his name in order to elicit outrage and score a political point that is always way off base. Hitler was a nut, who had one nut, and killed millions.  Neither George W. Bush nor Barack Obama is a, Hitler.

Blanch(e):  When cooking it is blanch; as a name, it is Blanche.  Either way, it is a discordant sounding word/name that makes me want to vomit (sorry Jay).

Christian:  Do I really need to say why I hate this word?  Okay, I will.  Because many people define it as, and live it as, a person who knows best for you, all the while, not observe the teachings of Christ by dictating to others, judging others, and cheating on their spouse.  Christian?  What a joke that word has become.

And there you have it folks…My list of least favorite words.

And if you’d like to hear some poetic words, you can catch the show that Jay and I did yesterday on Blog Talk Radio.  As usual, we were epically funny, and you can catch it all right here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Cheers!! Matt-Man mattmaniws@ymail.com @MattMan_IWS

Jay's LEAST Favorite Words

Hola y’all! Okay, so we’ve had two days of frivolity as I talked about my favorite words on Monday, followed by Matt-Man doing the same on Tuesday. So, what should I do today? Talk about my LEAST favorite words, of course. Heh … I swear, we’re so damn brilliant sometimes it hurts.

Anyway, off the top of my head here are some of the words that I can’t stand or possibly give me the heebei-jeebees…

Foodie: No, getting the brown mustard on your Gourmet Smoked Ham Club at Jimmy John’s does NOT make you a foodie. Foodies eat things not available at fast food joints or food carts. Even though foodies tend to be a bit pretentious and hipster-like, I don’t really mind them, just the word.

Panties: The correct word is “skivvies.” Skivvies is a much more festive word than “panties.” If you say “I’d love to see her in her panties” I would assume you were talking about a girl. But, if you say “I’d love to see her in her skivvies” I would assume she is not only a woman, but a woman doing something fun and exciting.

Potty: Do you have to go wee-wee? Or make dookie? No? Then you don’t have to go “potty.” Just excuse yourself or say “I gotta take a leak” or “I gotta wiz” or jump up and yell “PEE BREAK!”

Squishy: Pretty much anything that is squishy will also be slimy. I’m not a fan of either. Also, if something is squishy it probably squeaks and makes other very annoying noises. If something is squishy (and therefore slimy) I will have to use food safe gloves to handle it.

Vomit: This word is just too descriptive. It’s allows me to visualize what you did and even recall what it might smell like from previous vomiting by other people. Let’s just stick with “I got sick and threw up” Thank you.

Guacamole: I can’t stand either the word or the slimy (and therefore squishy) green disgusting food-like substance.

Plethora: This word is just used too often by people who think they’re soooo fancy-pants for using it. Enough!

Bling: Again, enough with this word. People are using to describe rings they find at the bottom of a Cracker Jacks box. If you’re not a gangsta or a rapper you don’t have any bling. Sorry.

Chum: Really? A word that can describe a really good friend OR chopped up fish, blood and guts used to attract sharks? I don’t think. And, if your local Mafia boss ever calls you “chum” you better go into hiding.

Using “Sammy” for “Sandwich” or “Addy” for “Address” or “Pressies” for “Presents.” They all bug the shit outta me.

Prudent: I don’t like prudes. Or prunes, not that they are related to prudes, but the words are similar so I just thought I’d throw that in there. Anyway, “prudent” means do something a prude would do. Or at least it does to me. Screw that.

Literally: “OMG! That list was so funny I literally laughed my ass off!” … No, you didn’t.

Okay, there you go. Words I can’t stand. Now be sure to let me know that you consider yourself a foodie who wears panties and has to go potty a few times a day and that you are very, very offended.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Matt's Favorite Words

Cheers and good day to all of you inglorious, yet lovable, bitches and bastards.

Yesterday on this here wildly popular IWS Radio website, the uber-sexy Jayman listed some of his favorite words.

Today I shall do the same, because, well…Jayman and I are beginning to practice something called, continuity, which of course is an ugly word, and will not be appearing on my list of favorite words.

Anyhoo (and in no particular order)…Let’s get to it.

Cacophony:  Yes, yes, I know…The definition is, a discordant mixture of sounds, which may seem to make it a “bad” word, an “irritating” word, but I love saying it. Ca cahhhhhh phoe neeee.  C’mon say it with me.  Ca cahhhhhh phoe neeee.  See?  Doesn't that feel good to say?  Of course it does.

Sojourn:  Oh sure one can stay for a day or two, or even a couple of months in one place, but it is much sexier to sojourn. Would you rather stay in Charleston, WV. for a week or sojourn in Charleston, WV. for a week?  I know that your answer is neither, but sojourning there is far more acceptable.

Epiphany:  One of my favorite words EVAH!!  And no, I am not talking Epiphany in the sense of the three Wise Men showing up at Jeebus’ barnyard cradle.  I am speaking of the word as when one has a revelation out of the blue as to something that was not previously understood.  Kinda like me sitting on the toilet, and all of a sudden I realize, “Hey!!  I just had an epiphany.  Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that fourth burrito!!”

Ubiquitous:  I dig this this word and it reminds me of my days in High School taking Latin for three years. Uuch.  It means omnipresent, easily found, everywhere.  As an example…“Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) is ubiquitous; he has stood and will continue to stand before any and every God Damn TV camera that has or ever will exist.”

Foulard:  It is pronounced foo-lard and it is a piece of clothing sewn of silk, typically a scarf or such, but…To me it is more delicate than that, and I have used the word in a poem before in which I described the snow-covered, winter landscape as being dressed in an ivory foulard.  It is a pretty word when one utters it softly.

Obsequious:  I loooooove this word because it sounds like a regal compliment yet it is anything but. Obsequious is a fancy and descriptive word for an ass-kisser.  Oh Lord, I have used this word often in my many and varied places of employment.  Here’s the trick…with a smile, tell the co-workers whom you loathe, that you find them to be so damned obsequious and chances are they’ll smile back and say, “Awwww, thanks!!”

Bacon:  My BFF/OSP Schmoop offered this one up, and seriously…When guys hear the word bacon they get a hard-on, and when women hear it, their nipples get hard.  It’s that simple.

Retard:  Oh I’m sorry…are your sensibilities offended?  If they are, well…suck it, you retard.  I love this word because I use it a tad bit differently than its mainstream sense.  I use it to describe people who through no known medically diagnosed mental challenges, still go through life dumb as hell. Rude, stupid, and oafish folks without a sense of humor get the “retard” tag from me.

And lastly…

While it has often been said that people with lesser IQs and lack of a solid vocabulary cuss a lot, I beg to differ, because I have a pretty damn expansive vocabulary, and my uber-favorite word is…

Fuck:  While it is primarily a verb, it can also be a noun and an adjective.  Verb:  I would like to fuck you.  Noun:  You are a stupid fuck.  Adjective:  You are a fucking moron.  See?  Fuck is a multi-faceted word, and I fucking love it.  And dig it…

If you combine the word fuck with retard, you get another word which I adore…Fucktard!!

May the lexicon of life smile down upon you, my friends.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws  

Jay's Favorite Words

Hola y’all! I struggled all day trying to come up with a subject to write about tonight. Well, actually I struggled for about 30 minutes this evening after Matt-Man casually mentioned not having to write to night and realizing that it is my turn.

It was then that Matt and I engaged in a brilliant and intense brainstorming session on Twitter to come up with something for me to write about. Well, being Matt he came up with something for HIM to write about and I could play along. Tonight I’ll list some of my favorite words and Matt will follow up tomorrow with his. We’re just so damn clever.

So in no particular order are some of my favorite words that I can think of right off the top of my head without giving this a whole of thought cause I’m on a deadline…

Shindig: Basically any event that includes more than two people is a Shindig. It can be a big, lavish party like a wedding or a Holiday Party or Bar Mitzvah. It can also be a group of friends gathering at the bar for some beer and nachos while watching the game. Can it be a family reunion? Sure! Hell, it doesn’t even have to be that formal. I could be three-way conversation on Skype. The thing they all have in common is people gathering to have a good time and maybe throw back a drink or two and have some food.

Discombobulated: Pretty much anytime anyone is even the slightest bit confused, I consider him or her to be discombobulated. One of the reasons I love the move version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” is because sweet little Cindy Lu Who (who grew up to be a Pretty Reckless chick) describes herself as feeling all discombobulated. So cute!! It’s just a fun word to use.

Verklempt: This word differs from “discombobulated” in that rather than just being out of sorts or confused, a person who is “verklempt” is very upset. It is possible to be both discombobulated AND verklempt though. Anyway, anyone who is even the slightest bit emotional over anything at all, even if it’s just a minor sadness, I consider to be “all verklempt.”

Loathe: I don’t dislike people. I don’t even hate people. I looooooaaaaaaathe them.

Superfluous: A great example of “superfluous” would be the extra “M” on Jon Hamm’s last name. I guess they thought they could make up for it by leaving the “H” out of his first name, but if you ask me that just compounded the problem.

Shenanigans: One can either call shenanigans or get into shenanigans. It’s a very versatile word.

Nefarious: Sometimes those shenanigans are nefarious.

Jocularity: I’ve always been a big fan of Father Francis Mulcahy. And I’m a big fan of engaging in all kinds of jocular activities because people rarely get physically injured like they would if it was a hubbub or hullabaloo.

Badonkadonk: Hey now! That’s totally a word. And, you guys all know that I’m an ass man.

Pithy: I like to keep most of my blog posts rather pithy. I know how short your attention spans are.

Gallivanting: Why would anyone want to just go about their daily activities like shopping, working, visiting friends or whatever when they could be GALLIVANTING ABOUT even if it’s something mundane.

Okay, that’s enough for now. This post might get a bit long and I hate if I get too verbose.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Also, if you are bored and have nothing else to do. You could always check out our "Internet Love and Friendship" show on I'm With Stupid. Jocularity abound!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

IWS Babe of the Week: Morning Mika

If it's Sunday , it's the IWS Babe of the Week.  This week?  The sultry Mika Brzezinski of Morning Joe fame which airs Monday through Friday 6-9 AM on MSNBC...

Mika is eye candy a top notch journalist and left wing foil to the conservative and irascible Joe Scarborough..

She's smart, funny, and charming, and she knows how to handle a lighter...I'd let her handle my Bic anytime...

She can also be incredibly feisty...To the point where it looks like she has a mustache...

And in the end, Mika, in all of her agenda pushing, nanny stater, preach til' my ears bleed beauty, has some really great legs...I just hope she doesn't turn up dead in Joe Scarborough's office...

Here's to Mika Brzezinski and her wake up call she provides every weekday!!

And speaking of a beautiful wake up call...Jay and Matt talked about the beauty of the internet and social media last night on the IWS Radio Show .  If you missed it LIVE, you can catch all of the hilarity right c'here...

Matt Said, Jay Said 777.777

Matt confabulates, Jay confabulates, You hang on every word.

Matt: If the phone rings I have to take the call.
Jay: How can the phone ring if you’re on the phone?
Matt: It doesn’t “RING” but it beeps
Jay: So, if the phone beeps you need to take the call?
Matt: Yes.
Jay: What will the “beep” sound like?
Matt: Well, I can’t really describe it.
Jay: Then how will you know when it happens.
Matt: Cause it’s the only “BEEP” I’ll hear.
Jay: You sure?
Matt: Well, I’ve been dealing with phones for a long time so, yes.
Jay: If you say so.
Matt: Well, I do.
Jay: I guess those old fashioned phones work that way.
Matt: Yeah, I guess they do.
Jay: Can you personalize beeps for different people who call?
Matt: I’m pretty sure you can’t.
Jay: That’s too bad.
Matt: Yeah, I’m devastated.
Jay: I'm detecting some sarcasm there
Matt: I don't know why.

Jay: So who will the caller be?
Matt: I can’t tell you?
Jay: Why not?
Matt: Well it may not work out.
Jay: What may not work out?
Matt: What I’m working on … Oh wait! It involves you!
Jay: I think you can probably tell me then.
Matt: Of course! I’m waiting on _____ to call.
Jay: Right! She’s calling about _________.
Matt: Hell yes!
Jay: If that works we can _________.
Matt: That would be so exciting!
Jay: I’m excited right now in fact.
Matt: You sick fuck.
Jay: What?
Matt: I don’t need to know about your excited state.
Jay: You dream about my excited state.
Matt: Maybe occasionally.
Jay: So when will we be able to tell everyone the big news?
Matt: It’s gonna be a while. Might take some time still.
Jay: We’ll tease them then.
Matt: That’s hot.

Matt: I followed the Pope on Twitter.
Jay: I tried to get him to ReTweet our Human Trafficking Awareness show.
Matt: Did he do it?
Jay: No
Matt: Nazi bastard.
Jay: I guess he supports slavery and sex slaves and all that.
Matt: There’s no other conclusion to make.
Jay: Exactly!
Matt: So … This week’s show?
Jay: We need to do a positive show.
Matt: We’re very positive guys.
Jay: Damn right we are.
Matt: Well, we can talk about the positive side of the internet and social media.
Jay: Sweet!
Matt: All the good people we’ve met.
Jay: The funny people!
Matt: The talented people!
Jay: The HAWT peole!
Matt: Awww yeah!
Jay: We can also talk about internet friends being REAL friends
Matt: I hate people who claim internet people are fake.
Jay: Me too.
Matt: They’re scared of the internet.
Jay: They think it’s the Devil’s Playground.
Matt: Yes they do.
Jay: Okay I guess we’re …
Matt: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Jay: Damn, there really was a beep.

So, don’t forget to join us for “Internet Love and Friendship” on I’m With Stupid Saturday at 11 PM ET!!

Wine Makes the Winter Go Quickly

Cheers and a cordial Friday to you all.  Matt-Man here.

A Matt-Man who is feeling, shall we say, slightly moderated and oh, I don’t know, rustic, in the sense of sharp cheese, crusty bread, washed back with a good wine kind of way.

Yes indeed, my friends.  I do get to feeling this way at this time of year…The time of year when the January winds blow cold and raw, ushering in nothing but snow…and ice…and of course, the gray, low hanging skies of despair.

This is the time of year when the light of the sun is turned way down low, and the howling winds along with the banshee cries of crows foraging for parking lot French Fries thrown asunder by Wal*Mart shoppers, de-harmonize into a cacophony of every awful 70’s porn sound track ever made.

And as the low winter sky dims, and the discordant symphony echoes through every forest, glen, and valley, Mother Nature and Old Man Winter get their groove on above us.

As their sick and surreal bodies writhe in pleasure during their frigid and frozen lovemaking, we, against our collective will, become the recipients and caretakers of their offspring.

The winter twins known as, Heartache and Sorrow.

But my friends, do not allow your timbers to be shivered, for there is hope.  There is a panacea that helps to preempt the evil duo’s procreation and prevent the prodigy of the pernicious winter pair from visiting your parlor.

I discovered it years ago during the, I Lost My Big Toe Due to Hypothermia Winter of Aught Three. It is called…Wine.

I know.  I know.  Matt-Man is a big beer drinker you say in disbelief, but c’mon, as you know, I also enjoy my share of Wild Irish Rose.

I know. I know. You reply once more, “But that’s not really wine. That’s a death sentence.”  Please…it is more than wine; it’s a life giving force.  However…

If you’re not into the, in your face force of Wild Irish Rose, you can always drink a wine called Flowerface in order to get you through the doldrums of winter.

I have tried it and I love it; although for me, it does have one drawback…It has an actual cork.  As more of connoisseur of twist off wines, I was at first hesitant, but…

I fear the cork no longer, and will drink it again and again especially in the winter, and why is that, you ask?

In addition to the well-noticed, but not overpowering taste, it is perhaps the most aromatic wine I have ever had.  The aroma is prefect for winter drinking, because once you open the bottle, it smells like spring.

When I opened a bottle of Flowerface the other night and the aroma embraced my nose, I was envisioning dancing naked ‘neath a warm and life-giving vernal rain shower, as flowers budded and burgeoned around me, and my neighbor screamed, “Why are you dancing naked in my garden?  I’m calling the police!!”

And while the dancing naked in a neighbor’s garden may be a bit of poetic license on my part, the smell of the Flowerface wine that I experienced, is not.  It is very good.

So there you have it.  Matt-Man being helpful as always, and helping you to get through the doldrums of winter with my ultimate word of advice…

Drink more wine, and if you’d like to drink a bottle of what Spring feels like, contact MCM Imports and they can hook you up on where to get some Flowerface, and their other fine wines.

Of course, as I am also true to my love of the Bagwine that is Wild Irish Rose…Here’s an old video of Jayman, for the first time, drinking a bottle of WIR that I had sent him:

                           
Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

People Jayman Can't Get Enough Of

Hola y’all! So, on Monday of this week, Matt-Man did his “People I Can’t Get Enough Of” post. I was going to follow that up on Tuesday with one of my own, but I just wasn’t in the right place emotionally to do it. So, I waited until today.

Also, being a loner means that my list isn’t really that long. Okay, actually there is a very long list of people I can’t get enough of, but I’m not very good at keeping up with people. Even people I very much want in my life and want to be part of their lives. It’s probably my shyness and lack of social skills that causes this. Anyway, here is a list of people that I’m extremely happy they do play a big role in my life and I can’t get enough of on any level.

First is obviously my family. The JayMom, JaySis, JayBro-in-Law. Without them I would probably be either the guy digging through Matt-Man’s dumpster for cans or the guy who keeps setting the Beer Mine’s dumpster on fire. Or both.

Matt-Man and Schmoopalicious. My partners in crime are caring, funny, supportive and all-around decent people. I know you’re surprised by that, but it’s true. They just don’t like to admit it publicly. They both love to talk about being "assholes" and are sarcastic as hell. But, the truth is they both have a heart of gold.

My friends who live inside my computer. I love Twitter. Facebook has its moments, Tumblr is full of very shallow, self-centered people, but I’ve found a couple of cool folks there too and Blogs are dying. But, Twitter still rules social media. I follow so many clever and funny people who make me laugh, think and even scream in anger. It’s great!

Also, did you see what Angie AKA: Fortune Cookie did? Did you see the IWS pic she made for us? See, that’s what I’m talking about. People on social media can be irritating, stupid, silly, and rude sometimes, but they can also be amazingly cool and thoughtful and supportive. And Angie definitely falls into the amazing, cool and thoughtful category and is one of those people I’m so glad to know even though I don’t know them as well as I should. Thanks babe!

Jo Sequist: Jo is wayyyyyyyyy smarter than me, but doesn’t make a big deal about it. Jo is also wayyyyyyyyyyyy more talented than I am, but doesn’t make a big deal about that either. In fact, she actually acts as if she isn’t a super-talented, magical being. Crazy huh? And, even though sometimes the whole social media thing gets to be a bit too much and she kind of disappears, when she goes *poof* and reappears we just pick up right where we left off having deep discussions about things like building Gingerbread Shanty Towns.

Sweet Pea: Let me tell you guys something. Sweet Pea is crazy. I mean down right “you don’t know what she’s gonna say or do next” crazy. And I love her for it. She’s hilarious, even when she doesn’t mean to be. She is endlessly entertaining and will cheer you up instantly if you talk to her or are around her. Sweet Pea is equal parts an open book for all to read and a total freaking mystery.

Warrior Kat: If you listen to the IWS Podcast, you have heard Kat introduced as my BFF many times. Well, it’s true. She’s not my fake internet girlfriend like Manti Te’o had or still has (it’s all very confusing) she’s a real person and a real friend. She’s loud (Cajun), spicy (Latina), beautiful, smart and funny and has an endless supply of love and compassion and support.

You might notice that my list is full of people who are smarter, funnier, more talented and better looking than me. It’s amazing that they allow me to hang around.

Honorable Mention: The NBA, cheeseburgers, “The Wire,” Rihanna, pizza, college football, air conditioning, tequila, Jennifer Lawrence, “Justified,” podcasts, dice with buddies, sports gambling, Drew Barrymore, Chris Rock, The Rolling Stones, New Orleans Jazz, New Orleans, the beach, Ireland, Dave Attell, 50’s-60’s-70’s-80’s Rock ‘n Roll, Politics, Gangster Movies, trashy reality stars (but not the shows), great legs, and of course, every single one of you guys.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Also, we rocked the house during our “Nothing and Everything” show on IWS. The lovely Dianne (who I’ll never get enough of) called in to hang out with us. It was a good time and you should totally check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Bitches, Bikes, and Guns with Jim Stewart

Hey all you un-American, Second Amendment hating, abortion loving readers of I’m With Stupid.  Jim Stewart here.

I’m a veteran, proud gun owner, proud American, and the neighbor of one arrogant, sarcastic, and fucked up freak of left wing nature, Matt-Man.

I normally like to stay away from these blogs…these…these…instruments of re-education, however…I saw a picture of Jayman’s neighbor on here yesterday…

And I said to myself…

“God intended that chick for me, and I think we could grow some right-thinking children together.”

She thinks like me.  Cusses like me.  Holds a weapon like me.  Oh sure…her name, Not Jayman’s Neighbor, is a bit weird, but just look at her and read her words on the IWS blog thing yesterday.  You’d have to be some kind of lunatic, gay, baby killing lib to let her fucked up name get in the way of getting in her pants. That bitch RAWKS!!

As soon as I saw her picture, I could see the Stars and Stripes blowing in the wind over amber waves of grain, and when I read what she had to say, it was like listening to the late great President Ronald Reagan.

Well, the Ronald Reagan before he lost his mind due to lib doctors and FEMA putting an Alzheimer’s chip in his head after he was shot, which resulted in him unknowingly and against his will, calling for a ban on assault rifles in the early 90’s.  They really fucked him up!!  It’s bullshit!!

Anyways, and as I was talking about…Not Jayman’s Neighbor needs to drop the Match.com bullshit and get a hold of JimStewartLoveGun.com.

She mentioned that she needed a man who had been tested for diseases n’shit yesterday…She doesn’t even have to wait on my test results.  As soon as I saw her on IWS yesterday, I went and got tested.

Other than a slight case of mange and anti-social disorder, I was given a clean bill of health.  And let me tell you, I know the test results are accurate because they were performed by one, Dr. David Smith.  An AMERICAN DOCTOR!!

They were NOT performed by some towel head doctor named Dr. Rawalpindi, or Dr. Akbar Hussein, or Dr. I Came Here Illegally to America in Order to Put Herpes and Lyme Disease in your Flu Vaccination!!

Nope, not a chance.  I use an American doctor every…fucking…time…I get…an American ailment.

So the following goes out to Not Jayman’s Neighbor:

I have the paper work proving I am clean. I own several guns, and I drink heavily.  I believe in God, the Baby Jesus, and the right to cut off a lib’s head and shit down his or her neck…I believe in the beauty and God-given sanctity of fucking all night in a drunken stupor with the windows open for all to hear.

In other words, Miss Not Jayman’s Neighbor…

I, Jim Stewart, am your soul mate.  And…

If you would do me the honor of hangin’ with me, I can pop a wheelie and shake the bitch off the back of my bike in no time, and we can ride into a red, white, and blue sunset together.

If you’re interested, get a hold of Matt-Man, because I'm sure that those Muslim lovin’ FEMA fucks are always sticking their big brown noses into my e-mail account.

Let freedom ring bitches, and keep your powder dry…

Jim Stewart

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws

P.S.  Don't forget...Jay and Matt broadcast LIVE at 11 AM ET today on Blog Talk Radio.  They will be talking Nothing and Everything, so join them LIVE today at 11 AM ET by clicking HERE!!

Jay's Hillbilly Neighbor Speaks!

Hola! Did I do that right? I don’t speak Mexican and don’t think they should be allowed to in this country either. But, whatever. Anyway, this Jayman’s loud Hillbilly neighbor Shastina! Jay thought it would be great if I guest blogged for him and this Matt-Man fella.

Of course, I didn’t know what a blog was. Jay seemed kind of surprised which surprises me cause that’s more credit than I thought he gave me. Anyway, he told me there’s like a billion blogs out there and I was like “Yeah, well if one shits on my car, there’ll be nine-hundred ninety-nine million nine-hundred ninety-nine.” Then I counted on my fingers and giggled and said “Well, you know what I mean!”

Anyhoodle It’s 7 pm and I’ve only been drinking vodka since 8 this morning, so I’m not really drunk enough to be funny, but I’ll give it a try. Am I allowed to say “fuck” on here? Cause if I’m not I might not be able to artic .. arctic … hell I won’t say what I mean. Shit, I gotta go outside and have a cigarette and call my mom. I’ll be back.

Hahaha … My fucking mother is so damn funny. She was slurring all over the place. Woman is 74 years old and she can still put it away with the best of them. You better not saying anything bad about her though or I’ll fuck you up. I’m not fucking kidding. I’m not afraid to cut a fucking bitch.

I heard that Jayman thought maybe I was stealing his paper for a while. That’s pretty fucking funny. What the fuck would I do with a newspaper? I ain’t got no birdcage to line with it. I’m sure as shit not gonna fucking read it either. It’s full of all kinds of bullshit and I don’t give a damn about the news. And I definitely don’t wanna hear about our HNIC WHO-SANE Obama or whatever. Besides, I ain’t even registered to vote or nothing.

I asked Jay, who is a sweetheart, what to write about and he said anything I want. Well, shit I don’t have no idea what that might be. I’m just a simple girl from Newton County, Arkansas who likes to smoke and drink and fuck and have a good time. I’m really loud too. I should have done this in all caps so you would know I was yelling what writing this, but Jay said that was “rude.” What the fuck to I care about being rude? What’s anybody gonna do about it?

I’ll tell you about my weekend cause Jay already heard about it. He didn’t have a choice cause I was standing outside his door talking as loud as I can to my friend. I met a really hot guy on Match.com and had a great time talking to him. We were gonna fuck but we both gotta get tested first cause we ain’t been tested in a while. Once we do that, it’s fucking on bitches. So, instead we just drank all day today.

Also, this damn bitch who lives here in Redneckville better stop talking shit about me. I’m gonna fuck her up if she doesn’t. She thinks she’s so much better than me since she grew up here in the big town and I’m from the country. Well bitch, I’ll show you some of the shit I learned down on the fucking farm if you don’t shut your fucking pie hole. You ain’t no better than me you cunt.

Well, I think I’m about to pass out. What a fucking pussy I am. Only twelve straight hours of drinking and I’m done. My momma would be ashamed of me for giving in so fast. Whatever. I’m horny but can’t do nothing about cause I haven’t been tested. I asked Jay if he had been tested and he said “for what?” Hahaha … He’s so fucking cute.

Well, that’s it. I hope you like my little blog post thingy. If not, I don’t fucking care. What are you go do about it? I’ll fuck you up! You just email Jay if you have something to say to me cause I don’t do computers and shit. God bless y'all!

Shastina 

Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

People I Can't Get Enough Of

Last night on Facebook, I asked for suggestions as to what to write about for today, and I received a modicum of suggestions, but none better than the one provided by Jayman.

After last week of the IWS site trumpeting posts about people and things that Jay and I have had enough of, Jayman thought that perhaps I could write about people and things of which I cannot get enough.

Say no more Jayman, and let’s get to it!!

First and foremost, and without hesitation…My best friend evah, the uber-lovely Schmoopster.

Ahhhhhhh, Schmoop.  I enjoy how she never tires of making fun of me and telling me what an egotistic asshole I am, but…She never fails to impart that fact upon me without love. And well…she may be the only person I have ever known where I can just sit with her, say a nary a word all night, and consider it a good time.  I love her.

Of course there is also the aforementioned Jayman. He is one funny fucker, and you people don’t know the half of it.  Oh the things I could tell you, but I won’t, because, well…I like him, and respect him and his love of history, because I am a history FREAK as well.  I like Jayman so much that I overlook his taste for Vienna Sausages.  Man, those are as nasty as Jayman is a sweetheart.  Uuch.

How can I do a post about people that I cannot get enough of without mentioning Missy?  She is one hot Miss. Ha.  See what I did there?  Miss is one of my best friends ever and has the uncanny knack of offering up quotes which when taken out of context, are hilarious (see right sidebar).  And well…she’s hot.

You know who else I can’t get enough of?  Katherine Webb.  She is so hot and talented.  I found this out the other day when my TV told me so.  She is just so super crazy good looking and knows how to work a microphone.

I can’t wait for her insight on the Super Bowl which she will cover for Inside Edition.  I bet she will have it going on, and probably win a Peabody Award like Bill O’Reilly did.  She’s…that…good.

Seriously though?

I can’t get enough of Jon Meacham.  I love him and hate him at the same time.  He's 43, acts likes he’s 63, and has an IQ of 8,000.  He is my man crush.  I only wish he would add an “h” to the spelling of his name.

Chrissie Hynde and Dolores O’Riordan.  If someone pulled a Manti Te’o on me and lied to me by saying that those two vixens were coming over for a three way with me, I would have a stroke due to all the blood rushing from my brain down to my naughty bits.  I listen to those two every night on You Tube.

SPAM, Johnsonville Brats, and Hamburger Helper, they're not people, but…Love them all. You say it’s not good for me?  Maybe not, but try to tell me that when I am sopping up the residue of each with a heavily buttered Pillsbury Grands biscuit..  Uh-huh, thought so.

Eh, there a lot of things of which I can’t get enough, but mainly, I can never have to much friendship, and I have received  a lot of that lately, especially through the recent, "Schmoop Scare of Aught 12."  I like it, and thank you.

I can be one sarcastic prick, but really?  I treasure my friends, and while I can be a jerk from time to time even where my friends are involved, well…I love you guys and can't get enough of you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

Annnnnd...If you missed the IWS Radio Show LIVE on Saturday, you can catch all the angst ridden hilarity right c'here...

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Babe of the Week: Kaley Cuoco

The IWS Babe of the Week is everyone's favorite Nerd Temptress from Big Bang Theory Kaley Cuoco! Kaley has literally grown up before out eyes and BOY HAS SHE grown up! Woo-Hoo!

Also, if you didn't get a chance to catch us live, Matt-Man and Jayman came out of the Asshole Closet last night. We talked about times we've been assholes to people or pulled dick moves and all that fun stuff. It was another classic episode so check it out!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Matt Said...Jay Said...Um...Let Me Get Back to You on Which Number This Is

Matt has the kvorka.  Jay has the kvorka.  You sit spellbound…

Matt:  Don’t you know it’s 10 o’clock here?
Jay:  You told me to call you.
Matt:  I didn’t say call me now.
Jay:  Yes, you did.
Matt:  I must be drunk.
Jay:  Of course you are.
Matt:  Eh, you’re probably right; I have no idea anymore.

Jay:  Y’know…Since we talked about the assholes of the world this week, we should…
Matt:  Talk about how you and I have over the years, been assholes ourselves?
Jay:  Exactly.  I mean, I’m sure the moments have been few and far between, but...
Matt:  Damn right.  We’re great guys.  Always on the up and up, but sometimes…we falter.
Jay:  Or something.

Matt:  I remember one night when I went out to eat with a buddy of mine, after dinner, I (listen to find out.)
Jay:  Ha….I once (listen to find out) to (listen to find out).
Matt:  Oh wow!!
Jay:  I know, right!?

Matt:  Should I talk about the time I said (listen to find out) about (listen to find out)?
Jay:  Totally.  Which reminds me; I once said (listen to find out) to (listen to find out).
Matt:  Seriously?
Jay:  Oh Hell Yeah.
Matt:  Damn, that was pretty ghetto.
Jay:  Oh yeah, I got some brutha in me from somewhere, mister.

Matt:  Should I mention the time that I hurled (listen to find out) at the (listen to find out) in HS?
Jay:  That was pretty mean……so yes, you should.
Matt:  Uh-huh…Setting me up to be the bad guy are you?  What about when you (listen to find out.)?
Jay:  That’s an internet rumor that I can neither confirm nor deny.

Matt:  Well, we’ll find out Saturday night at 11 PM ET.
Jay:  Damn right.  We’ll do the Jerk Store Show and call ourselves out on being assholes.
Matt:  Can we really fill that up for 45 minutes?
Jay:  Ha…You alone could fill up 2 hours of talking about being an asshole.
Matt:  That was hurtful.
Jay:  I know, but as you said on Twitter…”not untrue.”
Matt:  You keep very good records.
Jay:  That’s part of being an asshole.

Matt:  Word.
Jay: (ding)  Oooooooooo, my muffins are done; gotta go!!

So…Join Jay and Matt tonight, Saturday January 19th at 11 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.  They are outting themselves as assholes…well, to themselves because you already knew that.

To listen to all the frivolity LIVE tonight at 11 PM ET click HERE, and enjoy being an asshole with Jay and Matt tonight LIVE at 11 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Facebook is Pushy

Hola y’all! So my rage has finally settled down and I really couldn’t come up with anything to rant about today. Well, I could have written about Lance Armstrong being the worst person in the world, but that’s pretty played out. Or could have written about how Manti Te’o and I both have imaginary hot Asian girlfriends. Or maybe about how some people will tell me that the fake dead girlfriend was “Polynesian” and that’s not really Asian and blah blah blah, but that’s a lost cause discussion there.

So, I’ve turned my attention to Facebook and their new prompts. Have you see these? Facebook is now asking us “How are you feeling, Jason?” or “What’s going on, Jason?” and other stuff like that. It turns out they have rolled out some new prompts and they’re a little …. odd:

And, I really feel like this is going a bit too far and more than a little too personal.

Damn. I guess Facebook is getting a little clingy and desperate.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS

Poetry 'n' Such with Paul Piatt

Gentle and heartfelt greetings to all of you discerning drinkers of the warm and aromatic coffee of life that is the IWS website.

Renown poet and IWS Literary Editor, Paul Piatt here once again, in order to share with you some of today’s finest in the world of poetry, prose, and people.

Today during our continuing journey along the sullied yet hopeful boulevard of words made magical, and life’s pentameters made iambic, I artfully and empathetically attempt to put finger to keyboard, and apply a balm of solace to the rage that has angrily graced the pages of the IWS website this week.

Jay and Matt, as if twins of Joshua, have spent this week openly trumpeting their anger and disdain for others who practice, preach, and or exhibit less than what one might consider ideal human behavior.

I understand their frustration with the world that encompasses them.  I too, as a young man sojourning through middle America in the 60’s, experienced a similar frustration which I wrote about in a poem from 1963...

A Negro’s in Brooklyn

I slithered through the streets of Brooklyn
like the snake through the Garden of Eden.
I nostralized the greens a-cookin’
and heard a colored family screamin’…

“Greens again mama? I can no longer do.”
“You’ll get what I fix, and you’ll like it too.”
“I want a steak like the white folk eat.”
“Steak don’t grow on trees, eat your pigs’ feet.”

An overheard conversation righted my ship.
For it was then I knew…
Pigs’ feet keep one grounded.

See, gentle readers? I too knew angst and anger yet kept it in check by the writing of words, and I hope too, that Jay and Matt, can use this as a lesson in therapy and self-actualization.

I have another cathartic poem to offer unto Jay and Matt, and you as well today.

My longtime friend and fellow wordsmith, Blanche Carte has this piece of excellelexiconitry from her new book, “Riding Shotgun with Billy Joel.”  I give you…

The Angry Cucumber

Here I sit.

Atop a mound of dirt,
sweating in the oppressive heat of the seventh month sun.

A bit of water here, a tint of water there.
I am abused and manhandled as a mighty, yet gentle flavor grows within me.

Here I weep.

Beneath the August rain,
fighting the aphids, the rabbits, the kids next door.

A bit of tending here, a tint of tending there.
I am plucked from the vine like an orphan stolen from his parents.

Dipped in vinegar…Seasoned with salt…Bathed in Rosemary.

I am stuck inside a jar and when ready for the tongue, eaten by a toothless man.

My earlier anger seems trite.

I hope that my words and those of Blanche have comforted Jay, Matt, and all of you.

For now, as I travel the road less traveled,

Paul Piatt

mattmaniws@ymail.com
MattMan_IWS

Annnnnd…Jay and I bitched a lot yesterday on the IWS Radio Show…It was a good time, and if you missed it live, you can catch it all right c’here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

I Guess it's Bitch Week

Hola y’all! Well, it’s turned into Bitch Week here at I’m With Stupid.  I posted about people I’ve had enough of on Monday, Matt-Man did the same yesterday  and I’m continuing the list today.

- People who post a question on Twitter asking their followers to look something up. 

Really? Everyone on Twitter is your fucking secretary? People are just supposed to drop what they’re doing to look something up for you? That’s so fucking stupid. Besides, in the time it took you to Tweet, you could have just Googled it yourself dumb ass.

- People who believe crazy conspiracy theories. 

I have a couple of Facebook Friends who keep posting links to some video that claims to “tell the truth” about what “REALLY” happened in the Sandy Hook shootings. It’s just stunning to me that people are so willing to show off their stupidity publicly like that. How embarrassing.

Yeah, I know Obama’s coming for your guns. Jesus, this level of stupidity is just embarrassing. Do you really think background checks are going to prevent YOU from owning your guns? Hey, if you don’t have anything to hide, you don’t have anything to worry about!

- People who tell celebrities to “shut up.” 

Ever notice how people who complain about celebrities expressing their political views only do so when a celebrities says something they disagree with? Weird how that works. You don’t want celebrities to shut up, you want everyone who has an opinion that you don’t like to shut up.

Of course when you agree with a celebrity you not only have no problem with them, you ReTweet, ReBlog or Share whatever they say. Hell, I saw some people on Facebook sharing a post by a celebrity complaining about celebrities expressing their opinions. Really weird.

- Rude fucking people. 

My God they’re everywhere! Every day people become less and less respectful of others. People like my upstairs neighbor who sometimes comes home at 2:30 AM and vacuums. Yes! Vacuums at 2:30 in the fucking morning! You might think he’s just trying to be an asshole, but he’s not. He would have to give a shit about someone other than himself or have a little respect for others first. But, he doesn’t. He doesn’t know anyone else in this world even exists.

You see people like him all day long. They stand around in front of you in line talking on their phone, holding others up and generally annoying everyone. They weave all over the road or slow way down because they’re busy texting someone. They make all kinds of noise at the movie theater talking, texting or yelling at the screen. They throw their trash on the ground or at a trash can and miss but don’t pick it up. They stand outside the front door of a public building smoking and blowing their smoke at people trying to get in or out and then they throw their cigarette butts on the ground. It goes and on and on and on. It’s enough to make you never want to go out in public again.

- People who are always in the middle of some drama. 

There are far too many people who are always just looking to start or jump into the middle of some kind of drama. They pretend that they were insulted, or insult someone or post some stupid passive-aggressive crybaby shit online and then it just goes on all day long.

And worst of all, people post all these vague posts referencing the “drama” that’s going on but won’t link to any of it so I will know what the fuck they’re talking about. I NEVER know what is going on or who are beefing and while so many people I follow post about it, they never tell me who it is. Pisses me off!

And then there are the people who start a blog post with “There’s a lot going on right now, but I can’t talk about it.” Well then don’t fucking mention it at all!


Okay, that’s enough for now. Maybe I’ll have more later unless I can get it all out of my system during our Bitch Session on the live IWS Podcast Wednesday at 11 AM ET! Call in at let us know who or what is pissing YOU off!

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

More People We've Had Enough Of

Cheers Bitches!!

Yesterday, Jayman wrote about some people with whom he’s had enough.  He ended his insightful and biting piece of commentary with…

“I could go on, and on, and on. But, I won’t.”

I certainly understand that, however…I will pick up where the Jayman left off.

Hey Ray Lewis, Tim Tebow, other footballers, baseballers, basketballers, and NASCAR, um….ers…After a big play or a big win, don’t say it was God’s will and/or, He was watching over you. God doesn't give a damn who wins a football game, hits a home run, or nips another inbred driver at the checkered flag.

You can have, and enjoy all the personal faith and religion you want, but seriously?  When you say shit like that in your post-game interview?

God is looking down upon you saying, “What an asshole, I didn't even know they were playing today.”

There are a lot of Republicans not feeling the love of Obama wanting former U.S. Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE) to become his next Secretary of Defense.  Why is that?

Because among other things, Sen. C-Hage doesn’t kowtow to the Israeli lobbyists, and once said…

“The Jewish lobby intimidates a lot of people up here…. I’m not an Israeli senator. I’m a United States senator.”

GASP!!  Hagel doesn’t put Israel above all other nations, nor his own!?  Blasphemer!!

Y’know?

People who are appalled at that statement, need to shut the fuck up. Fuck both the government of Israel, and the U.S. legislators who are outraged when anything bad, or in this case, neutral, is said about the Israeli government and their biblical and svengali-like hold over the UNITED STATES Congress.

Hell…If Republicans and evangelicals had their way, Jerusalem’s answer to Terri Schiavo, one Ariel Sharon, would be our next U.S. Defense Secretary.

I thought Republicans were against Obama and his trip down Socialist Lane.  If  Republicans despise socialistic handouts, why are they not outraged that Israel is nothing more than a Middle East crack whore looking for a U.S. handout to the shofar tune of 80 Gazillion shekels a year?

Hey all of you self-absorbed morons who come through the Beer Mine while talking on your cell phone and have the audacity to give the, “Wait a minute finger.”  You are not that important, and I will tell you so and to move along, and if you want to complain to the owner?

Don’t bother…He’s not nearly as nice nor as diplomatic about that as I am.

Facebook?  Women on Facebook drive me nuts with their, "Women are special, but it takes the right man to see that."  Pfffffffft.

Women aren't any more special than men.  Some women are cunts, and some men are dickheads.  We're all human and some of us, including women, are assholes. You want equal rights?  Well, accept your equal rights, responsibility, and the fact that some of you are hideous, unlovable psychopaths.

Twitter People?  I love comments, retweets, and the like, but if it is in reference to something I tweeted six hours ago, just refrain from tweeting me something to the effect, “I absolutely agree, Matt-Man. Ha!!”

I will not have a clue as to what I said that you agree with.  I mean…I appreciate it and all, but six hours after the tweet?  Merely appreciate my tweet amongst yourself.

Don Imus, Sean Hannity, Ed Schultz, Rachel Maddow, and the Three Stooges on FOX and Friends in the mornings have their heads and egos up their asses so far, that they get hair on their tongue.

Especially Gretchen Carlson…Oh Dear God…That chick is proof positive that you need not be pretty on the inside nor the outside to be voted, Miss America.  Uuch.

Oh, and Lance Armstrong?  Just shut the hell up and change the name of your foundation from LiveStrong to LiveJuiced.

Cheater...pussy...crybaby...

Okay…I guess I am done for now…There are so many other people whom I have had enough of, but as Jayman said yesterday, I too, will simply say…

“I could go on, and on, and on. But, I won’t.”

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS

People I've Had Enough Of

Hola y’all! Man, some people are really getting on my nerves lately. Here’s a short list of the people who are pissing me off the most right now…

- People on Twitter who tweet about something awesome but don’t link to it. Cause linking to it is anti-hipster or something. Every day I see shit like this:

“OMG! Dr. Peter Wankmeoffer has written an amazing article on Gawker about the scourge of decency laws! You should read it!”
If it’s so freaking amazing then link to it! What’s even worse is if you go to Dr. Wankmeoffer’s Twitter page you’ll see that he’s RT’d all the people who have heaped praise on him, but not any links to his own damn article.

- Gorgeous women who post amazingly gorgeous pics of themselves on Social Media and say things like “Ugh! I’m such a mess today!” or “I can’t find any good pics of myself.” Jesus this is so annoying. I know! I know! I can’t say anything to them because they’re all suffering from bad self-esteem caused by skinny hot chicks on the cover of magazines and shit. So, I just let it go even though it pisses me the hell off.

- People who use their phone for virtually everything social media related but bitch about its limitations. I saw a report from CES about a watch that will notify you that you have email. The lady showing the watch off said “This way you don’t have to go to the trouble of getting your phone out if it isn’t an urgent email.” Really? Now it’s too much effort to check your phone? It’s bad enough that all these people tweet me with “Hey, can you email me that link you just tweeted? I’m on my phone” because they’re too freaking lazy to open the laptop sitting next to them.

- Anne Hathaway’s pretentious short hair. Enough already! Let your hair grow back out and stop taking yourself so God-Damned seriously.

- People debating the $1 Trillion Dollar Coin. Yeah, it might be a silly idea, but basically it’s a silly response to straight up irresponsible assholes in Congress. Worst of all are the people claiming that the government would have to mint a coin the side of the Empire State Building. Uh, you might notice that the $20 bill isn’t 20 times bigger than the $1 bill. Also, it didn’t take $100 worth of material to make a $100 moron.

And what about all the mint it would take to “mint a coin that size?” Would there be any left over for the Mint Juleps at the Kentucky Derby? Would the government use so much mint that they created a supply shortage that resulted in a huge increase in the price of mint? Nobody thought of that DID THEY?

- People who take it personally when I don’t like what or who they like. This one has always mystified me. Do you really think it’s necessary for us ALL to like the same music, movies, TV shows, etc…? How boring would that be? It just amazes me how many people get upset when I make a truthful statement like “Taylor Swift sucks.” There are always people who respond with something like “Well, I guess you think I suck too because I like her.”

No, I think your taste in music sucks, it’s not the same thing.

- Delusional sports fans who think that the only way their team ever loses a game is because the “refs cheated” or the refs were “out to get them.” Just take your ass whippings like grown-ups and shut up people!

Oh and by the way …. You had NOTHING to do with YOUR team’s win so stop taking personal credit for it.

Same goes to Southeastern Conference fans. Alabama’s BCS Championship is NOT yours, it’s theirs. If you’re a fan of another SEC school and you are celebrating Bama’s win because your team is in the same conference, you are a fucking moron.

I could go on, and on, and on. But, I won’t.

Jayman
Jayman3768@gmail.com
@Jayman_IWS 

Here She Is, Miss America...Mallory Hagan

Eh, if that's the hottest chick America has to offer, we're in trouble, however...

Jay and I did a great show Saturday night as we talked about our hometown news.  If you missed it, you can catch all the hilarity right here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio